TresSugar

You Asked: Am I Expecting Too Much Too Soon?

DearSugar — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 13:01:57 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now. We got together while I was still with my previous partner, something that I'm not proud of, but everyone involved has come to terms with it and we've all moved on. I was
with my ex for five years, and marriage was always top of mind for me, but I realized we were not meant to be. Now that I'm with my new boyfriend, I still have those nagging feelings. I am so in love with him and I really feel that we are perfect for each other, however he's had a failed engagement, so he's naturally scared about making a mistake again.

I understand his need to be cautious, but I want more assurance that I'm not going to have to wait another five years to get married. When I try to talk to him about it, we don't get far - he just says that he eventually wants to get married, but he never gives me a straight answer on timing. Am I expecting too much too soon? I just want to know that I'm not going to be waiting forever and that he's not going to be too scared because of his past experience. Help! - Jumping the Gun Gina

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Dear Jumping the Gun Gina,

Getting engaged is a funny thing; once you have your mind set on it, it's hard to let it go, but putting too much pressure on your boyfriend could end up backfiring on you if he's simply not ready. While I understand your need to get reassurance in your relationship, asking for a set time might be asking for too much. I'm hearing you when you say you don't want to wait again, but as hard as it might be, you must separate your past relationship from this one - just as you want him to do.

If I were you I'd have a calm heart to heart with your boyfriend about your future - get the answers you need to feel secure in the relationship, but if you're not ready to give him an ultimatum, I suggest you go easy on the wedding talk. When the time is right, it'll happen for you, so in the meantime, try to enjoy the relationship you have now.

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A Do or a Don't: Ultimatums

DearSugar — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Giving an ultimatum is supposed to be a last-ditch effort in trying to change a particular situation. Most of the time this approach is only used in the most desperate times. However, even as a last resort, ultimatums can be very problematic. Not only can they completely backfire on the person giving it, but they also put the receiver in a very defensive position.

Needless to say, sometimes they don't work out as planned. If you’ve ever given an ultimatum, how did it turn out? If you haven’t, would you? Or do you think it can cause more problems than it’s worth?

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DearSugar Needs Your Help: He's Thinking About Living With Two Women, But He Won't Live With Me!

DearSugar — Sat, 03 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend of one year currently lives in a three bedroom apartment with two of his guy friends. He's lived there for five years and absolutely loves the place. He's comfortable there, he doesn't have to pay much rent, and it's in an amazing area of the city. Both of his roommates are moving to another state and he has one month to either move out of the apartment, or find two new roommates. I currently live in the same city (about a 15-minute walk from his place) in a beautiful, roomy one-bedroom apartment. He was really stressed when he first found out he was losing his roommates (and possibly his place), so I brought up the idea of him moving in with me. I completely understand that he may not be ready to take this next step, but he said he'd think about it.

In the meantime, he put an ad on Craigslist looking for two new roommates. He's set up a bunch of appointments with different people to come over and see the place and as it turns out, one of these "appointments" is with two college girls, and he's 30! When he first started the roommate search, I asked him about the possibility of living with women and he made it very clear that the only woman he'd live with would be me, yet now he's entertaining the idea of living with not one, but two girls! This is obviously really upsetting to me and I'm completely NOT okay with the thought of him living with two random college girls. Am I being irrational? Why would he want to live with them over me? He's not the type of guy who would do well with an ultimatum or a jealous tantrum, but this is simply something I am not willing to compromise on. I feel like he should have jumped on the opportunity to live with me! Please give me some advice before it's too late!

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Where Do You Stand: Withholding Sex to Get What You Want

DearSugar — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 13:00:38 -0700

Let's say your man smokes cigarettes and you want him to quit. You've tried talking to him about it, but nothing changes. So you throw him an ultimatum: No sex until he quits. Of course, that proves that you mean business, but is it right to withhold sex to get what you want?

How about you? Have you ever kept your pants on until your partner agreed to something or did something for you? Has anyone ever refused to give you sex because they wanted something? Is this an innocent little ploy or unacceptably immature?

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Dear Poll: Has an Ultimatum Ever Backfired?

DearSugar — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 16:00:00 -0700

According to a previous poll, 51 percent of you said you'd never give a marriage ultimatum, but 31 percent of you said you would. The thing with ultimatums is, you have to be willing to put it all on the line and accept the outcome if the other person doesn't oblige. Sure, a lot of times they light a fire under someone, but other times, they send people running. Playing hardball is often worth the risk, but what I want to know is, have you ever given an ultimatum and had it backfire?

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Dear Poll: Would You Give a Marriage Ultimatum?

DearSugar — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 16:00:00 -0800

Ultimatums, they can either destroy a relationship or give the man a much needed push in the right direction. We've all heard the saying, s**t or get off the pot, but sometimes, when you're in the relationship, it's easy to get a little too comfortable and fear taking the next step.

I know two couples whose engagement came to be because of an ultimatum, and on the flip side, I know other couples who have been together for years and years with no engagement in sight because one refuses to put the other on the spot. I hope I never have to give one, but ladies, tell me, would you give your boyfriend an ultimatum if you were ready to take your relationship to the next level?

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You Asked: Is It Ultimatum Time?

DearSugar — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 16:30:00 -0700

DearSugar --

I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 years and living together for 2 1/2 years. Every time I talk about marriage with him he blows me off. I have a 7 year old daughter and she realizes that we are living together and we are not married. I want to be a good example and role model for my daughter, and lately I've haven't been feeling like one. Should I give my boyfriend an ultimatum. Either man up and marry me or I'm moving out. ~ Fed-Up Phoebe

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Dear Fed-Up Phoebe --

I'm really sorry your boyfriend blows you off when you attempt to discuss marriage. Something in that feels really disrespectful and unkind. The first thing I'd recommend is a real heart-to-heart, during which he knows in no uncertain terms that you love him, remain committed to him, and expect to be married to him by [pick a date]. Tell him he has six more months to decide whether he needs more time or is ready to be your husband. That will make a grand total of 8 years together, so I'm feeling alright suggesting some kind of time limit for these deliberations.

Suggest he make two lists for himself, one that includes the reasons why you two should get married and one that includes the reasons why not. Come to think of it, Phoebe, I'd sure like it if you made those lists, too. Now, you need to get yourself prepared for a scenario that might not be altogether rosy. By the spunk in your note, I'm thinking you can swing it. Start setting money aside now. Get organized. If you he needs more time come 6 months, I'd suggest one of you move out. Discuss whether or not you'll date. The point here is that you both need to shift the dynamic and the comfort level, and to create a situation that encourages new priorities, new consequence, and new decision-making.

I don't know if this qualifies as an ultimatum or not. But if your partner won't discuss his fears, reservations or concerns about marriage with you -- and if he won't be available for your needs and concerns -- then it's important to act for yourself and act in alignment with your values, your needs, and your expectations. But think about this very clearly and carefully, Phoebe. It will lead to a crossroads. Good luck, and know that we'll be wishing you the best.

Ladies . . . Anyone been through this? Know someone who has? Think there's a better way to negotiate this, when someone won't negotiate? Please share.

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Matt Damon Still Perfecting Bourne Ultimatum

Molly — Tue, 15 May 2007 15:32:40 -0700

The fact that Matt Damon is back filming The Bourne Ultimatum in NYC concerns me. This is the second time that he's been back doing reshoots for the movie, which is scheduled to be released August 3. The trailer for Bourne Ultimatum was pretty exciting, but hopefully the fact that they're going back to the drawing board isn't a totally horrible sign about the film. I mean, it's got Matt so it can't be so bad, right?

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Will Matt Stop at Bourne Ultimatum?

PopSugar — Tue, 30 Jan 2007 13:25:48 -0800

Matt is still busy on the set of The Bourne Ultimatum in Berlin, the third installment of the Bourne series. I have to say while I have loved the first two I was really disappointed that we didn't learn more about Jason's real identity at the end of Supremacy. So will Jason finally learn the whole story at the end of the third film? Here's highlights:

"He will by the end of this one," Damon said. "I don't know how long we can ride that pony. Maybe he'll get a bump on the head at the end or something."
On doing a fourth Bourne film:
"We have a story and we have a story to tell, but looking at it, to be fair, we go, 'Okay, I think this should be the last one' because I'm half joking, but how long can you [revisit it?] His search for identity is definitely going to come to an end."
Damon continued to joke about the possibilities of a fourth film, in a "Rocky Balboa" sense of tapping the well 20 years later. "I would love that. If I'm like 100 pounds heavier, 'They pulled me back in! They won't let me go!' They're like, 'No, we don't give a sh*t about you. What are you talking about?' Yeah, I think that's actually probably the only way to do another Bourne movie would be to do it 20 years down the road."

Hey, it sorta worked for Sylvester Stallone. As for the series ending after Ultimatum, we hope it's not true, but there were originally only three books in Robert Ludlum's series. Plus we're dying to finally figure out what happened to Jason. For more of my favorite Matt on the set just read more

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Happy Bourne Ultimatum Friday!

Molly — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 00:29:04 -0700

It's been three long years, but the time has come: The Bourne Ultimatum finally hits theaters today. It's been a blast seeing charismatic Matt as the one man promotional show for this movie, but it's time for the main event. Last night on the way into The Daily Show to chat with John Stewart (for like the 7 minutes he leaves for interviews), Matt careful not to wrinkle his suit by changing into it before the green room. So cute. As for the movie, it's been getting awesome reviews which is such a relief. We were a little worried when it kept going back for reshoots but the perfectionism has paid off. Buzz loved it -- check out her full review here! Now it's just counting down the minutes until I get into that theater...

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