TresSugar

Relationship Protocol: How Often Do You Fantasize About Others?

DearSugar — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 15:00:00 -0800

When you're in a committed relationship, it's not uncommon to fantasize about other men during those intimate times with your significant other. We often feel guilty about it, but let's be honest, men do it too! So ladies, tell me, how often do you fantasize about other people while getting it on with your special someone?

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What's Your Favorite Fantasy? The Results

DearSugar — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 16:00:00 -0700

The results are in, and I can't say that I'm too surprised that being dominated surpassed all the other choices with a whopping 53 percent victory. Though I must say that almost famous's fantasy, hot sex in Summer rain, certainly doesn't sound bad either! Perhaps we ladies are just more creative! To check out the ranking in Men's Health, read more.

Stimulating yourself while he watches
Being dominated
Having sex in public
Making a sex video
Threesome with another woman

I find it really fascinating that Men's Health number one was our very last choice, coming in below "other" with only three percent of votes. I guess we prefer it when he's in control - at least when it comes to sex. According to the article, being dominated allows women to act out the forbidden fantasy of becoming an object of desire. Do you agree? For those of you who voted it as your fave, what is it about domination that's such a turn on?

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Dear Poll: What's Your Favorite Fantasy?

DearSugar — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 13:00:00 -0700

In the March issue, Men's Health shares the top five female sexual fantasies as determined by a pretty hefty poll of 10,000 people. According to the results, the top female fantasies are actually the same as the top male fantasies - how convenient! While I'm thrilled that the article helps men figure out how to please their partners, it's hard to believe that we share the same fantasies. Let's see if DearSugar readers match the stats. Vote below and tell me which one of these, if any, is your number one fantasy and I'll be back tomorrow to tell you how you measured up!

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You Asked: I Don't Enjoy Sex With My Boyfriend

DearSugar — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

For the last eight months or so, I haven't enjoyed sex. My boyfriend tries hard to please me and helps me in every way possible, but I just DON'T want it. Well, actually I don't want it from him. I want sex all the time but when it comes down to it, I get turned off by the little things - him not being shaved down there, it being too late, I'm too tired, I have to work tomorrow - I give him every excuse in the book.

I have tried to figure out ways to make myself want to have sex with him, but I am tired of it because it's so boring. It's the same thing every time. I can predict his every move and what will happen next. I feel like I would have more fun masturbating alone (and usually do).

I have a common fantasy that I have wanted to share with him but don't
know how to bring it up without sounding weird. We're pretty open with our sex life and love to try new things, but I think this is one of those things that has to be handled delicately. I want him to be my "masseuse" and "trick" me into sleeping with him. I want him to use sly hand movements, no speaking, and just touching. I'm nervous about him messing it up though, with a lot of talking or rushing in to it. Should I bring it up to him?

-Wanting More Mandi

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Wanting More Mandi,

You say that you are bored with your sex life because it's the same all the time, but then you also said that you two are really open to trying new things so I'm a little confused. Does he know that you're restless? If so, is that why he tries new things? Or does he try new things and it still leaves you unsatisfied?

All good and solid relationships are built on respect and openness. You've got to be honest with him about everything and trust that he'll listen and be supportive. Sex is a really important aspect of a relationship because it's a special way that you can express how you feel for one another and he should know that you are wanting more. It's great that you have this sexual fantasy and you should definitely share it with him. Be specific about what you want and try not to be so strict about it, or have such high expectations. Just let things happen and try to remember that this is all about sharing love and being together. I'm sure he already knows that he hasn't been pleasing you lately, and he might even have a complex about it, so you don't want him to become any more self-conscious than he already is.

If everything else is great about your relationship, keep working on this and have some patience. As long as you are willing to discuss what you want and need from him, and he's willing to try, I'm sure you'll be able to improve your sex life. Good luck.

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You Asked: My Sexual Fantasies Are Ruining My Relationships

DearSugar — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I have been living with a boyfriend for some time now. No matter how good my relationship is, and I've been in a few lovely ones, I cannot stop having sexual obsessions about other people. I have incredibly realistic sex dreams, and I think about them while masturbating and even while having sex with my partner. I feel horrendously guilty about this. My sexual fantasy people are casual acquaintances usually, no one glamorous or unattainable, which worsens the situation. It comes to the point where I can no longer stay in that relationship, because my secret just eats away at me.

I never follow through with these fantasies because cheating is immoral, but how can I be in a relationship ever? This is scaring me. Also my current boyfriend is the loveliest man I've ever met. He keeps telling me he loves me the way I am, but I cannot ever tell him my shameful secret, so I am betraying his trust. Is this nymphomania?

-Sex Constantly on My Mind Maria

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Sex Constantly on My Mind Maria,

Many people, both men and women, fantasize about having sex with other people. I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with it, if it's every once in a while. The problem here is that you're thinking about other people constantly, and it's getting in the way of you being able to enjoy your relationships.

Since these sexual fantasies are something you are in control of, then maybe when you're alone or with your boyfriend, try and think up fantasies involving him and you, so you don't feel like you're cheating. Maybe you can even suggest that you act some of your fantasies out.

I don't think this will solve your problem entirely because there's got to be a deeper reason as to why you are thinking sexually about other people. You say that this guy is the loveliest man you've ever met, but maybe he doesn't satisfy you sexually. Or maybe you love him, but you're not in love with him and it makes your mind wander to others. If that's the case, you may need to end this relationship and find someone you're in love with who turns you on and doesn't leave you wanting more. Good luck Maria.

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Oprah's Getting in Bed With HBO

BuzzSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:30:39 -0800

Well, kind of. The days of Oprah Winfrey's talk show may be numbered, but don't expect her to disappear anytime soon. Just a few days after her big announcement, the media mogul already has a project with HBO in the works - and she's kicking things up a notch. Her company Harpo films is working to develop a steamy hour-long pilot about a woman who abandons her family in LA to explore her sexual fantasies and desires.

Erin Cressida Wilson is on board to write, which seems fitting since she also penned the S&M-themed flick Secretary. Oprah will be one of the executive producers.

HBO has never shied away from racy shows (True Blood, anyone?) - but it still feels kinda strange to see Oprah's name attached to a project that's centered on overtly sexual storylines. Then again, it's not like Winfrey will be the one starring in it, and I'm always game for something new from HBO.

Do Tell: What's a Sexual Fantasy You've Yet to Act On?

TresSugar — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0700

I've asked you what the kinkiest thing you ever did was, and now I'm curious about what you've wanted to try and have yet to act on. (For those of you who told us some wild stuff in the previous post, I'm dying to know what you haven't done!)

Maybe you haven't acted on your sexual fantasy because you've been in a long-term relationship with someone who isn't that experimental in the sack, or maybe you're inhibited for some reason.

What's a sexual fantasy you've yet to act on? Do you think you'll ever try it, or is it OK for it to remain a fantasy?

Take note! Anonymous comments are open on this post! Just sign out of your TeamSugar account to leave one.

Have You Ever Had a Threesome?

TresSugar — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 10:57:00 -0700

Britney Spears debuted a steamy video today for her single "3" - a song that explores the singer's threesome fantasy. The idea of sexual experimentation involving more than two people really turns some people on, including certain celebrities. Have you ever had one?

Hump Day: I Feel Used When I Have Sex With the Man I Love

TresSugar — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"After five years of being apart, I'm now re-dating my high school sweetheart whom I love. We lost our virginities to each other, and even during those five years we continued to have sex every now and then when we were single and managed to see each other. (We went to colleges in different cities.)

Now that we are together again, we've decided to wait a while before we have sex, but that does not mean that I don't find him attractive or that I don't sometimes just want to rip off his clothes. The problem is that one of the last times we had sex (about a year before we officially reconnected), I felt like a prostitute. I don't exactly know why, I just felt used afterwards and it was not enjoyable to me at all. I think part of the reason I say 'prostitute' is because he kept making me change positions and just seemed really into it for himself. I love him and I know that he loves me, but I think I'm having trouble getting over that experience. Even now, he will ask me to dress up for him so he can masturbate, which, as his girlfriend, I would normally be happy to do, but I just get that 'used' feeling again. I feel like a piece of meat, or just an object.

Of course he senses my change in happiness and it ruins the mood. I don't know exactly why I started feeling this way and I don't know how to get over it. I'm so afraid that once we start having sex, I will continue to feel this way. What's wrong with me? Please help!"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more
First thing: there is nothing wrong with you or how you’re feeling. Whatever is going on for him, whatever his intentions or motivations, there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you feel. There’s a big difference between having uncomfortable feelings and having something be wrong with you.

Second thing: trust how you feel about this. Something in this situation doesn’t feel right to you, and whether that’s about him, you, or the two of you together, your feelings are there to tell you something important. Unfortunately, they don’t always give you a lot of useful information, but they are valuable for making sure that you know that something is going on. In my experience, the best thing to do is listen to that and try to figure out what those feelings are trying to tell you.

It sounds like you have some unresolved feelings from that first experience of feeling like he was using you. When old feelings linger, they can affect how we feel about present-day experiences. Sometimes, that’s because the current situation is a lot like the past one, and at other times, it’s because we project those emotions onto the present even when the circumstances are very different. Either way, the best approach is to create space to talk about them and figure out what you need. I strongly suggest having that conversation with him when you’re not in the middle of the emotion because that makes it easier to talk about what’s going on without getting lost in the feelings.

Since you said that you’re not sure what it was that made that so uncomfortable for you, here are a few questions that might be worth exploring:

What was it about that first time that felt uncomfortable for you? When he was into changing positions so much, what about that made you feel used? Was it how he did it? Something he was saying? If he had said or done something differently, would that have made it better for you? The more you’re able to answer questions like these, the easier it’ll be to talk about your experiences.

Also, I’m not quite clear from how you phrased it, but when he asks you to dress up for him while he masturbates, do you do that? In my book, that counts as sex and I’m wondering how that fits into your mutual decision to hold off on sex. I can totally see how a request like that could trigger that “used” feeling if the two of you are supposed to be waiting. If it feels to you like he’s pushing your boundaries or trying to get you to do something beyond your comfort zone, one of the best things you can do is tell him that you don’t want to do that. If he persists, that’s a big warning sign to end things.

It would be really easy in this sort of situation to imagine all sorts of reasons why he’s acting like this. And while any of those guesses might be accurate to some degree, I want to caution you to try to not jump to conclusions. For example, some possible things that might be prompting him to act like this could be:

Maybe he’s gotten interested in experimenting different ways of having sex and doesn’t know how to start the conversation with you about it, so he’s just going for it. Maybe he’s gotten into porn and is trying to act out what he’s seen on the screen. Maybe he wants to explore some fantasies, his or yours, and hopes that you’ll reciprocate with your ideas. Maybe he’s clueless about how these situations feel to you and thinks that you’re enjoying it as much as he does, at least until it’s obvious that you don’t. Maybe he’s being selfish about your sexual interactions. Maybe he’s hoping that you’ll speak up with ideas of things to do.

Of course, there’s no way to be sure what actually is going on for him unless you ask (and he’s willing to tell you). The longer these things build up, the bigger they get. So as challenging as it may seem to talk about it with him, it’ll be a lot easier if you do it sooner rather than waiting. Take some time to tell him how you’ve been feeling. Find out what his intentions were. Trust your feelings and keep your boundaries solid.

I know that’s all pretty vague and I wish I could give you some more concrete suggestions. But there are too many possibilities for me to be able to steer you more than that. This sounds like a really hard time for you and whatever you decide to do and however things work out, I hope you find the support that you deserve.

And no matter how you feel, there is nothing wrong with you.

Flashback: Spice Up Your Sex With . . . a Computer Game?

TresSugar — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 07:00:00 -0700

Before there was online porn, there was the Interlude computer game. Apparently, people would shell out money for a manual and computer disk filled with someone else's sexual fantasies. Anything to keep your love life from being routine, predictable, or boring!

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