TresSugar

Group Therapy: What Do I Need To Know Before Moving?

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 04:00:00 -0800

My boyfriend and I are seriously discussing moving in together. Our relationship has been a lot of work so far and we've had many ups and downs, but I really love him and he really loves me. He's started talking to his landlord and a few of his friends about finding affordable places nearby but I'm just writing in to see what kind of advice you all have for me because I've never lived with a boyfriend before. We've started discussing things that annoy us about each other and how we could avoid arguments about those things - I feel like that's helped ease my worries, but I was wondering if you have any warnings/advice before we take this big step.

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You Asked: Is He Actually Committed?

DearSugar — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for two years and we live right next to each other - we've actually been neighbors for years. I am 24 and he is 29. The timing isn't certain, but he's been planning to move a half an hour to an hour away where it will be more convenient for work. Also, the areas he's looking at are much cheaper for buying a house. I really don't want to be away from him, so he suggested that I move with him, and we can get a house together. I really like the idea of living together, but the only problem is I believe that moving in together without the serious commitment of marriage has a lot of consequences.

We've never talked about marriage, but he does say that moving in together is the start of our life together. But why would he be willing to make a permanent commitment if all the privileges of marriage are there without any of the responsibilities? It makes me think he's not ready for the actual commitment of marriage, and I don't want to enter into some kind of pseudo-marriage situation. If I tell him this, I don't want it to sound like I’m suggesting or forcing marriage, but I also don't want him to think that I just don't want to live with him. Am I just being too paranoid and thinking too much into this? Should I go with the flow?

- Marriage and Moving Malia

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Marriage and Moving Malia,

It sounds to me like you're making a lot of assumptions about your boyfriend's thoughts on marriage and commitment a tad prematurely. Your boyfriend is planning on buying a new home; it's natural that he would suggest you guys take this next step. Though he may have different views on living together before marriage, I wouldn't say he's looking to skip out of that commitment. At the same time, it's completely reasonable for you to feel that you need to be engaged before you move in together. But since this is something you both obviously have different viewpoints on, I'd say a conversation is necessary.

Tell him that you can't wait to live with him one day, but for you, a more long-term commitment has to be in place before taking that step. By simply opening up that subject, I think you'll learn much more about his true intentions than you will by guessing. With that said, seeing as how you've never discussed marriage before, and you still feel wary about bringing up the topic, it doesn't sound like you guys are there yet.

Thirty minutes away is nothing and honestly, an hour drive isn't that terrible either, especially if it means that your relationship can progress naturally, so how about just staying put at your own house for now? Once he's settled there, you guys can decide as a couple what your next step will be. Perhaps, you'll do the distance for a year, or maybe you'll decide to take the plunge and make the move, but give yourselves time no matter what.

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Relationship Protocol: What Did You Learn When You Started Living Together?

DearSugar — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Every new step in a relationship allows a couple to learn more about each other. Meeting a significant other’s friends reveals his attitude and sense of humor, visiting his childhood home lets you in on his past, and moving in together opens up a wealth of information about his day-to-day habits. And while everything you learn may not be music to your ears, accepting someone's minor flaws is part of the package. So, good or bad, what did you learn when you and your honey started living together?

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Group Therapy: Can We Consider Moving in Together?

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year, and I would do anything for him, but it seems to be a one-way street. We plan on moving in together next year, but lately I've been questioning that decision. My boyfriend tends to get upset over the smallest things, and it has a very big effect on me. For example, over the weekend while at his place, I decided to make breakfast and ended up using the last of the oil. He got overly annoyed, so I left immediately to go buy a new one, because he wanted to know when I would replace it. He thought I made a big deal out of the situation by going to store, but I was simply reacting to his behavior. I have done a lot for this guy and have never asked for anything in return.

I do not want to end up like him and refuse to contribute to our relationship, but at this point I'm sick of his attitude. I'm tired of him making me feel guilty when I retaliate. How should I handle him next time there is such an incident? Would it be just as bad to retaliate by limiting what I do for him? I don't want to be taken advantage of either. Is this only going to get worse when we move in together?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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8 Tips For Newlyweds Moving In Together

DearSugar — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Deciding to wait until marriage to move in together is a choice that many couples make. And though any couple's move-in is a serious step, there’s something particularly significant about newlyweds starting a life together. It’s exhilarating, but certainly a little scary, so I’ve come up with some tips for moving in with your new spouse.

Talk money beforehand. Discussing and deciding who’s paying for what prior to signing a lease or shelling out a down payment will save you many potential headaches down the road.
Be prepared for an adjustment. Once you’re living together there are certain parts of your relationship that will naturally change. Whether those changes are good or bad will be determined based on your attitude toward them, so stay positive.
Figure out both of your expectations regarding cleanliness. And if they’re different, come up with a compromise you both can live with.

To see the rest just read more.

It’s likely that you and your new husband don’t share the same style when it comes to household décor. Instead of battling it out over every piece of furniture, just come up with an entirely new style that can work for both of you.
As far as making your home habitable - signing up for utilities, fixing up the odds and ends, decorating, etc. - don’t make the common assumption that everything has to be done together. Let each of you take on a responsibility that you’re good at or have an interest in.
It’s OK to keep your own space. Everyone needs personal space, so don’t feel guilty or hurt if you and your husband want to have your own nook, drawer, room, cabinet, or area.
As with every aspect of a relationship, communication is extremely important. Talk about your needs, boundaries, and concerns before they become full-fledged issues.
Take a moment or two each day to show your appreciation to the other. Whether it’s an affectionate hug and kiss, or simple a “thank you,” it’s important to recognize everything the other person does - it will make for a more harmonious relationship in the long term.

To see all of our wedding coverage, check out IDoSugar.com.

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Group Therapy: Temporarily Moving in Together

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 03:00:00 -0700

Due to some unforeseen circumstances, lately I have been having major financial issues. I finally got a lucky break and was offered a new job today, but I will need to move out of my apartment. I have been too ashamed to tell my boyfriend any of the details about what's been going on. It's gotten to the point where I need to tell him, because I am worried about having to move back home to another city away from him.

I love him very much, and don't want to lose him. A big part of me is hoping he will ask me to move in with him for a few weeks, at least until I get everything resolved. If he doesn't ask or suggest this alternative, would it be unreasonable for me to ask?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Good Idea or Bad Idea: Waiting Until Marriage to Cohabitate

DearSugar — Wed, 07 May 2008 11:00:00 -0700

Moving in with your significant other is a big step in a relationship. It requires a lot of sacrifice and compromise. It also reveals things about yourself and your partner that you didn’t even know existed. For many, waiting until marriage to move in together leaves too much to the unknown - what if you guys aren’t compatible? While others believe that taking such a serious step should only happen once you’ve committed for the long haul. Taking into account both the positives and the negatives, do you think waiting until marriage to live together is a good idea or a bad idea?

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Handle This: You Have to Take a Step Backwards

DearSugar — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 12:00:00 -0700

You moved in with your boyfriend and for six months things were great, but the past three have been rough to say the least. Many people said it was too soon for you guys to take this step, and now you think they may have been right. Your boyfriend is rarely home nowadays and when he is, you’re usually frustrated with him.

You guys finally sit down to talk about what’s been going on. He admits that he’s been spending time outside of the house because he feels like you’re always upset with him. At the end of the conversation you both realize that you love each other, but you just aren’t ready to live together. You still want to make it work but if you stay together, it’s like you’re taking this huge step backwards. How would you handle this?

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Group Therapy: How Do You Know When You're Ready to Move in Together?

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I have been together for seven months and have spent every day together for at least the last three. We spend half the nights at my house and half at his, depending on our schedules in the morning. His house is closer to my work, but his friends live closer to me, etc. We have our own friends and we do our own thing often, but we always end up at one of our homes sleeping beside each other. We argue sometimes, just like any other couple, but by the time we get to bed, we've apologized to each other and reconfirmed how much we each believe in this relationship.

The problem is when I say that we're thinking about moving in together, people constantly say "Oooh, bad idea! Too soon! You should have a place to get away from one another at least until you're married!" But I don't see how that makes a difference! If we were married, we would be used to being able to "get away" from each other, which would just add extra strain to the relationship. If we were to move in early, we would learn to deal with the issues head on instead of running away from them, right?

I've never lived with a boyfriend before, but we may as well be living together now, as we spend every night together. Do any of you ladies out there have any advice for me? Have any of your relationships changed considerably after moving in with each other? Just give me some idea of what to expect when it happens.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: How Can We Make My House Our House?

DearSugar — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of two years and I have been talking about moving in with each other. However, I'm the homeowner so he would be moving into my space. We've talked about how this would work, treating it as "our" space but he's still worried about feeling like it would be more my place. I've suggested moving my items out of one room so he can have a room completely to himself in addition to incorporating his other items into the rest of the house but he's still not convinced. Do you have any suggestions on how to make this transition more welcoming?
- Cohabiting Connie

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Cohabiting Connie,

Moving in with a significant other is a big step so make sure you're both 110 percent ready. Before you make any commitments, be sure to discuss all the tough topics like money, how you both feel about house guests, how you'll handle arguments, grocery shopping, chores, and most importantly, what your future entails. Once you're on the same page, I'd say you're ready to take the next step in your relationship.

Since you're the homeowner and he'll be moving into your previously lived-in space, there's no real way around him feeling like this is your home. If selling is not an option, you're going to have to let go of the power and do your best to open your home to him in every way possible. It's easy to be set in your ways and grow accustomed to your things being in specific places, but you're going to have to compromise so his things have a place, too. I think one of the hardest parts about moving in together is feeling like you've lost all your privacy, so having a room of his own could make all the difference in the world.

At the end of the day, if your house is filled with love and respect, living together can be a wonderful life-changing experience. Check in with my friend CasaSugar for some more tips on how to make your place, our place. Good luck!

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