TresSugar

True Confession - I'm Afraid of Being Alone

DearSugar — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 09:00:00 -0800

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.

"I'm 33 with three young children and I hate my husband. I stay with him because I don't want to be alone forever. Who would ever marry someone with three kids? Can I be forgiven for living a lie?"

Source

Do Tell: What Do You Dislike About Being Single?

DearSugar — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 10:00:00 -0700

It seems like most of you like the freedom aspect of being single most, but that autonomy is often a double-edged sword. Though having the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want is liberating, a common gripe I hear about being single is loneliness - having no one to rely on, no one to spend Sunday nights with, and not having that special someone to call just because. The grass is always greener, right? So to you 29 percent that think being single is a total drag, do tell, what is it you dislike most about being unattached?

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You Asked: I Can't Accept My Boyfriend's Female Friend

DearSugar — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm so incredibly jealous of one of my boyfriend's female friends, and I want to know how I can stop feeling this way. I'm not worried my boyfriend would ever do anything inappropriate, I know he only has eyes for me, I just get really angry and hurt inside when I know they're hanging out. Due to the way my life is right now, I'm lucky if I get to spend an afternoon with my boyfriend once every two weeks! She, on the other hand, gets to see him whenever she wants, multiple times a week, on fun outings like dinners, late-night coffee runs, movies, concerts - all the things I wish I could do with him but can't for the next few months. I would never tell my boyfriend to stop seeing her because he is trustworthy and should be free to spend time with his friends but it's eating me up inside knowing that I can't be a part of those fun times, and she can. I know it's not the friend's fault and it's not my boyfriend's fault, but I still feel rejected, jealous, and lonely. How can I make myself feel better about how bad this situation is? - Left Out Lani

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Left Out Lani,

I'm not sure what's going on in your life that's taking up so much of your time, but from what you're telling me, it sounds like your boyfriend is carrying on a relationship with someone else! They are doing everything a couple would do, so I completely understand why you're upset. Since asking them to stop hanging out isn't an option for you, it's imperative that you voice your feelings to him as soon as possible - he might not even know how you're feeling.

Since your busy schedule sounds temporary, keep your eye on the prize and know that you'll be spending time with your boyfriend and doing all the things you've been missing out on sooner than later. In the meantime, keep the lines of communication open with your boyfriend - I'm sure he'd feel the exact same way if the roles were reversed. But just because you can't spend long afternoons together, Lani, it doesn't mean you can't make the time you are together special. Try to spend the nights together so you can cuddle and feel connected again, ask him to meet you for coffee when you have breaks, and rev up the amount you text or talk on the phone. I'm sure just knowing that he's thinking about you will make things better until your schedule frees up. I hope this helps!

Source

Dear Poll: Are You Scared of Being Alone?

DearSugar — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 16:00:00 -0700

These days, if a woman admits to being sad about her single status or reveals that she's scared she might end up alone, she's suddenly considered needy or unempowered. Though we may not be rushing out to alert our friends of these thoughts for fear of judgment, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with feeling a tinge of trepidation at the thought of being alone - it's totally normal for both genders to want companionship! So without worries of being labeled as something you're not, answer this: Are you scared of being alone?

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You Asked: I'm Painfully Lonely

DearSugar — Tue, 13 May 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I suffered from severe depression in high school and was given medication. While on the antidepressants, I had a suicide attempt. After suffering severe withdrawals from the medication, I decided I did not want to go the medicinal route ever again. I recently moved with my daughter to a new city. I don't know anyone except her father, but we are just friends now. I have explored every avenue of making new friends - gym, mom groups, work, online ads - but have had no success. I have dated a few men but after about two weeks, I don't hear from them again.

Every night I put my child to bed and just sit and watch television. On the weekends, she and I do things together but then I'm alone again. I am starting to feel extremely depressed again from this constant loneliness. I really don't understand what's wrong with me or why I can't manage to develop any new relationships. I can't bear the idea of medication again. What can I do to meet some people and perk up?

In Need of Companionship Corinne

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear In Need of Companionship Corinne,

It sounds like there are actually two issues going on here. The first being your frustration and sadness from not meeting new people and the second, your propensity towards depression. Though it's easy to think of your depression as simply a product of your loneliness, I think it's more effective to consider these things separate problems that you need to approach differently.

Meeting new people is not easy for anyone, and the difficulties you're having do not reflect who you are. Recognizing that your circumstances are only temporary is incredibly important. It sounds like you're doing all the right things and putting yourself out there so don't give up now. If you can keep up a positive attitude, eventually you will start to meet new people, and really, all it takes to combat loneliness is one good friend or a serious love interest - the rest seems to fall into place.

As far as your feelings of depression go, unfortunately, they're something you'll probably have to deal with in one way or another your entire life. Learning how to manage your depression when it comes creeping back is extremely important. Speaking with a therapist to learn some coping tools could make a huge difference. On your own, start by reminding yourself that depression does not control you and that you will not always feel how you do right now. Staying hopeful is the very best thing you can do for yourself. It's not easy, but talking yourself out of negative thought processes is one of the greatest things you can learn how to do. Remember: you will get through this!

Source

This or That: Tons of So-So Friends or One Best Friend?

DearSugar — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 07:00:00 -0700

Over the past year, you've been really busy with work, a ton of family drama, and your new relationship. Now that the dust has finally settled and you’re starting to get back to your stress-free life, you feel a great sense of ease. But that momentary relief turns to disappointment when you try to get together with your old friends. Would it be worse to realize that you …

This: Have dozens of friends you can call up, but not one of them is the type of friend that you can actually talk to? You never had time to develop any deep friendships, so now all you have is a bunch of glorified acquaintances.

Or …

That: Only have one close friend? All your other friendships managed to disappear over time. Having one friend is better than none, but you wish you had someone else to talk to.

Which is worse?

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You Asked: I'm Struggling With Depression

DearSugar — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

This time last year I was in love and in the process of moving to be near my boyfriend for a new teaching job. I got a place of my own, which turned out to be a good thing since he broke up with me early in my first term of teaching. Ever since then I have been having waves of depression. As I'm new to the area, I've really had to force friendships with colleagues, and I always get the feeling that they wouldn’t really care if I was around or not. I don’t have any friends outside of school at all - I keep in touch with my old friends, but it's not the same.

The only person I do have is my ex-boyfriend. His new girlfriend, however, hates that we are friends (he chose to be with her over me) so I can’t even have a normal friendship with him! I don’t love him anymore, I just want his friendship. Work has also been a challenge and I've found that with all these things going badly in my life, I have gotten into a serious cycle of binging and then starving myself. I do snap out of it every once in a while but I heavily monitor what I eat. I know that I need help to get out of the depression but my doctor was useless and told me to come back in a few months if I felt any worse! What can I do?

- Feeling Hopeless Holly

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Feeling Hopeless Holly,

When we feel as though our lives are spinning out of control, it's not uncommon to establish new ways to elicit some control, usually through our bodies or eating habits. Obviously, you're really struggling right now, but it's good that you're aware of your problem and looking for help.

First and foremost, find a new psychiatrist or therapist who specializes in depression and eating disorders. Your closest health center is a great resource for locating local physicians, but I also recommend checking out the National Eating Disorders Association. In the meantime, start journaling your feelings when you're binging, starving, and every time in between. Knowing how each of these acts make you feel will help you work through them with a professional.

Oftentimes depression is best categorized by a feeling of hopelessness, so start trying to build hope for yourself. It may sound silly, but taking time each day to remind yourself that you will feel better eventually, and will one day be living the life you want for yourself can really make a difference. Sit down and think about where you really want to be and put together a list of things you can do to get there. Perhaps that means moving closer to family or meeting new people in your current community. Don't be afraid to reach out to your old friends for support - you might be surprised how people can come forward when someone needs help. But, most importantly, make that appointment to talk to someone right away.

Source

You Asked: I'm Depressed Because I'm Alone

DearSugar — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I don't know what to do. All of my friends have boyfriends and they are
happy. I have the worst luck with dating immature guys and always end up getting hurt. I'm really lonely and depressed. Sometimes I think I'm alone because I'm fat. I have problems with weight, and I've tried so many diets but nothing helps. My sadness is affecting my whole life. What can I do?

-Down in the Dumps Dora

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Down in the Dumps Dora,

Just so you know, everyone has felt lonely and depressed about not having a boyfriend at some point in their life, so try not to compare yourself to your friends. I know it can feel awful to be single when all you want is to have someone to share love and life with, but try to have a little patience.

It sounds like there are some things you are unhappy with when it comes to yourself. Those issues will still be there, even if you have a boyfriend. You've got to love yourself before you'll be able to give love to someone else. I think you should take this opportunity to nurture your soul and figure out what needs to happen in your own life to make you happy. If you want to lose weight, then it's time to make some lifestyle changes involving a healthy diet and regular exercise (short-term diets don't work). Talk with your doctor or meet with a dietitian and fitness trainer so you can get help setting achievable goals.

Remember that you hold the key to your own happiness and that you can't rely on someone else to make you feel good about yourself. If your feelings of depression become too overbearing to handle on your own, I suggest talking to a therapist. They can give you a nonjudgmental point of view and will be able to offer you some specific and constant advice. Hang in there, Dora. I'm a firm believer that there is someone out there for everyone and you'll meet that person when the time is right.

Source

What Do You Do When You Feel Lonely?

DearSugar — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 10:00:00 -0700

According to new research, being lonely can not only wreak havoc on your emotions, but also on your immune system. Researchers believe that chronic social isolation alters the immune system at the genetic level, raising your risk for illness and disease.

I think feeling lonely is quite possibly the worst feeling in the world - but it can be avoided. What I want to know is, what do you typically do when you feel lonely? Do you call your girlfriends to go out? Do you call your mom for some words of wisdom? Do you cuddle up in bed with your puppy? What I want to know is, what's your cure for feeling lonely?

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Where the Wild Things Are: A Passionate Ode to Childhood

BuzzSugar — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 04:30:00 -0700

There's been a bit of a controversy over how to market Spike Jonze's adaptation of Maurice Sendak's classic children's book, Where The Wild Things Are. Is it for kids? Adults? Adult hipsters?

The answer is anyone who wants to feel what it's like to be a child, and not in the fun-loving, no-responsibilities way. As adults, we tend to forget the insecurity and fears we had as kids, which the film's young character Max is in the throes of. There's just enough exposition before the fantasy begins: Max has a single mom (Catherine Keener) and an older sister who has recently outgrown him. His first few acts at home show his innocence and the savage emotions under the surface. He knows it as being "wild."

Where the Wild Things Are isn't a heavy-handed allegory, or an edgy children's movie; it's a loyal tribute to the way kids think and feel. To see what else I thought of the film, just read more.

Max reaches the world of the wild things after throwing a particularly heinous fit, prompting his mother to yell, "You're out of control!" After running away, Max finds himself on a boat that finally brings him to a strange land. This is where the wild things are. The creatures Jonze has created are aesthetic wonders: creepy, hostile, and huggable at once. These aren't Jim Henson's Muppets, but real characters, led by Carol (voiced by James Gandolfini). The rest of the group is comprised of Lauren Ambrose as aloof KW, Catherine O'Hara as prickly Judith, Paul Dano as timid Alexander, Chris Cooper as Douglas, and Forest Whitaker as Ira.

Each creature has a fully realized personality, with flaws and varying temperaments; their faces are so emotive and their dialogue so human that their scenes with Max are as real as those with his mother. This group is not easily classified as friend or foe - they're dysfunctional in their relationships and don't always treat each other well. One of the most successful elements of the movie is the dialogue of the wild things, which is rooted in Max's head.

In many ways, screenwriter Dave Eggers's job was tougher than Spike Jonze's, because it's imperative to remember the way children think. Max's interactions with Carol and his new clan are made up of the kind of things a kid would hear from his parents and peers and then internalize. In fact, in the wild world, Max declares himself king to bring order, and he summons up speeches from the authority figures that he's pulling away from in his real life. Naturally, he's too young to recognize how his subverted position is significant.

Max's relationship with Carol is most telling. As the de facto leader of the group who can't handle sadness, loneliness, or jealousy, he acts out as a mirror of Max while still being his own character. The richness of Carol and the creature cast stays with you; when Max has to say goodbye to his friends, your heart breaks.

Jonze impressed me with his non-conformity; in another movie, Max would have demonstrated the grand lessons he learned from his time on the island, but in this one, he doesn't have to learn anything. He just gets to feel and experience and appreciate his emotionally fragmented new friends. It's devastating as a viewer, especially if you can put yourself back in that childlike place when your feelings were so raw and simple.

Photos courtesy of Warner Bros.