TresSugar

Sex Therapist Says: Go Ahead and Snoop on Him

TresSugar — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0700

In an ideal world, says sex therapist and relationship counselor Dr. Ian Kerner, partners in committed relationships wouldn't hide anything from each other nor be suspicious of the other's activities. But Internet infidelity is such a problem these days, he argues, that sometimes you are justified in snooping on your partner's online activity.

You might not find out that your partner's cheating on you in the real world, Dr. Kerner says, but he might be committing emotional infidelity - that is, confiding in someone of the opposite sex, flirting with her, or even sending sexual messages. Research has shown that men don't think about emotional infidelity the same way that women do (most of them think it's not as bad as sexual infidelity), but it is a drain on the relationship nevertheless. If you've ever been with someone who checked out from the relationship and was investing romantic attention elsewhere without technically cheating, you'll know what he's talking about!

So when should you take this taboo leap into treating the person you're supposedly closest to like a crime suspect? I'll tell you after the jump, but you tell me - do you think it's worth taking this step, or are suspicions sign enough that it's time to bail? To see Dr. Kerner's list of signs you might need to start snooping, read more

Does he spend too much time on the computer or other digital devices?
Is he comfortable leaving Facebook pages or emails open when he's not at the computer?
Does he keep in touch with exes or members of the opposite sex on social networking sites like Facebook? Does it make you feel uncomfortable, or do you feel like you should know more and you don't?
Does your partner give you other reasons to not trust him - like flirting with others a lot when you are out together?
Has the frequency with which you have sex decreased?
Does your gut tell you something's wrong?

Is Cell-Phone Snooping Ever OK?

TresSugar — Wed, 06 May 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Is going through someone's text messages OK if you suspect he's up to no good? That was the question on The Hills this week: Heidi goes through Spencer's text messages, finds a text from a bartender he'd been flirting with, and promptly deletes it. In therapy, all Spencer can talk about is how Heidi shouldn't have gone through his phone. I hate to agree with Spencer, but I'd be annoyed too.

Would you ever snoop in your significant other's cell phone if you suspected he or she was cheating? Or do you think snooping is a bad idea under any circumstance?

Sunday Confessional - I Snooped in My Boyfriend's Email

DearSugar — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 10:00:00 -0800

I've been with my boyfriend for just over six months, and he recently asked me to move in with him. While you'd think I'd be over the moon, things have actually been a little rocky between us lately. Something about his behavior has made me fear that he's been unfaithful, but whenever I bring up my concerns to him, he always tells me that he'd never do anything to hurt me. I love him dearly, so I chose to believe him.

This weekend we decided to order pizza and watch a movie at home. When he went downstairs to meet the delivery man, I noticed that his computer was left open. I seized the moment and quickly went through his email. To my amazement, there was an entire folder filled with emails from a girl I've never heard of. I didn't have time to read them because I didn't want to get caught, but my gut told me that my suspicions were right - he'd been cheating on me. I grabbed my purse and ran out the back door with tears in my eyes.

He's been calling off the hook, but I have no intention of talking to him. While I'm glad I saw what I saw, I've been feeling extremely guilty for invading his privacy - I've never gone behind someone's back before. I know I shouldn't have snooped, but can I be forgiven since I was basically just getting the proof I needed to know for sure that my boyfriend had been lying to me?

Source

Sunday Confessional: I Snooped in His Medicine Cabinet

DearSugar — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 09:00:00 -0800

My guy friend had an early holiday/housewarming party on Friday night. He wanted to keep everyone downstairs since the upstairs was a mess, but there was a long line for the bathroom so I asked him if I could use the one on the second floor - he obliged. It's a split so the sink and shower is in the room next door to the toilet. When I went to wash my hands, I didn't bother to close the door - I assumed I was alone up there. There was no soap by the sink so I opened his medicine cabinet to see if I could find something to wash my hands with. I didn't find any soap, but I did find numerous pill bottles. My curiosity got the best of me and just as I picked up one of the bottles to read the label, my friend walked upstairs to check on me.

In a stern voice he asked me what I was doing while simultaneously snatching the pill bottle out of my hand. He told me to get out of his room so I ran downstairs, grabbed my purse, and left. I clearly made one of my dear friends feel incredibly uncomfortable and violated in his own home and I feel terrible. I've been calling him nonstop to apologize, but he won't return any of my messages. Can I be forgiven for snooping in my friend's medicine cabinet?

Submit your own Sunday Confessionals here and see if you are forgiven!

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You Asked: Do I Deserve His Lies?

DearSugar — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I have been married for over four years. Right before we were engaged he was living in another state. When he returned back home, he was very secretive. I snooped through his emails one day, and there were messages from another woman. There was nothing overtly sexual in them, though she did say something about how she's a better woman than me.

It didn't take me long to get over it, but whenever he was out of town for a long period of time, I always felt suspicious. One Summer we were apart for a month and he came home with inappropriate text messages. Things quickly blew up, and I found an email form my husband to another girl complaining about me. This was very hurtful, and again, my trust was broken.

We worked it out, and now three years later, I've been hurt again. My husband said he was going out to dinner with a male business partner, but it turns out it was with two women. He lied directly to my face! I realize I'm a jealous person, and I have definitely snooped, but if I didn't have this feeling in the back of my mind I wouldn't have. But did my jealousy and my snooping drive him to hide things? I don't know that he has ever physically cheated on me, but I feel that he has emotionally. I know he can be a great person, but do I really deserve this?

- Lied To Lacey

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Lied To Lacey,

First and foremost, you do not deserve to be lied to. Though snooping is a violation of privacy, your husband shouldn't need to hide anything from you. And I certainly don't think your actions have lead him to emotionally cheat - that's a choice he makes for himself. Still, there seems to be a cycle of behavior here between the both of you that's very unhealthy. Your husband has been repeatedly dishonest with you and has been since before you were even married, and that's just not OK.

Your relationship lacks trust, communication, and respect; three things every lasting relationship needs. As it stands now, I'm not sure how you can have a happy life together. If you really do want to make your marriage work, it's time to look into couple's counseling to see if this cycle is breakable. Regardless of what happens between you and your husband, I would also seek out individual therapy so you can start working through your personal trust issues.

Source

You Asked: Why Am I So Suspicious?

DearSugar — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. For the past two months I have had dreams of catching him cheating on me and it's driving me to snoop on him. I look in his email, his Facebook account, and phone whenever I get a chance. But there's no reason for me to do this; I know he would never cheat on me. Honestly it is the most amazing relationship I could ever ask for. So what's wrong with me? Why do I keep dreaming these horrible things? Am I losing my mind? - Mistrustful Megan

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Mistrustful Megan,

The expression of insecurities through dreams is no new thing, but avoid taking your dreams at face value. I'd guess that this dream is an indication of things you might have on your mind regarding the future of your relationship or your own personal stresses. The image of catching your boyfriend cheating is only a manifestation of these other concerns. It's normal for a vivid dream to leave you feeling uneasy, but there's no excuse for continually checking up on your boyfriend, especially without reason. He has a right to his privacy, and you're violating it. Plus, the more you play into this paranoia, the more likely it is to keep showing up in your dreams.

Start writing in a journal and see if you can't let some of your insecurities escape more consciously. You can write down your dreams too and see if you notice a pattern. I'm sure they will subside on their own soon, but in the meantime, try to examine your relationship and see if there's something that may have you feeling worried. But whatever you do, try not to let your dreams affect your waking life so deeply.

Source

Dear Poll: Have You Ever Read a Friend's Diary?

DearSugar — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Since so many of you admitted to snooping, I thought I'd take it one step further. In this crazy world we all live in, it seems that writing in a journal is one of the only times where we can be truly one with our feelings; to write out our deepest and darkest secrets and innermost thoughts. It should go without saying that someones journal or diary is a very private, sacred possession yet so many people jump at the opportunity to turn the pages of someone else's sentiments. I understand that certain desperate situations call for that invasion of privacy, but tell me, have you ever read a friend's diary out of mere curiosity?

Source

Dear Poll: Have You Ever Snooped?

DearSugar — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 16:00:00 -0700

Snooping is usually a pretty bad idea. Not only is it a violation of privacy, but it’s very rare that the snooper actually feels better after the misdeed. But still, many of us are prone to fits of curiosity and an open email account or unmanned cell phone can be too tempting. I’m not one to judge, so ladies, tell me, have you ever snooped?

Source

You Asked: Should I Trust Him?

DearSugar — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and half and everything has been great so far. I've been cheated on in the past but I think I've been doing really well not pressing too hard with my trust issues but the other day I came across my boyfriend's opened Facebook inbox. He had been messaging with a one-night stand he had before we met. The conversation was flirtatious and even though he's always been a very sweet boyfriend otherwise, I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if anything necessarily happened, but flirting online with another woman is just not OK in my book. I told myself I would never let myself get cheated on again but I have no idea how to approach him. Should I break up with him? Give him another chance? I'm so torn! - Online Banter Becky

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Online Banter Becky,

Before jumping to any conclusions, I think you owe it to yourself and your boyfriend to get all the facts. I agree with you that flirting online with another woman is unacceptable, but is there a possibility you could have been reading the message out of context? Are you sure they just weren't being a little too friendly verses flirtatious? Was it a recent message?

Since your boyfriend has been nothing but trustworthy thus far, I suggest you calmly ask him to explain himself and let the conversation flow from there. Try not to be accusatory or he'll most likely act defensive. Of course you don't want to set yourself up to be cheated on again, but before breaking up with him hastily, make sure you have all the information you need to make the right decision. I wish I could tell whether to break up with him or give him another chance, but unfortunately only you can make that decision. The best advice I can offer you is to hear him out and follow your gut - good luck!

Source

You Asked: He Still Has Nude Pictures of His Ex

DearSugar — Fri, 16 May 2008 16:30:42 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I know I shouldn't have snooped around on my boyfriend's computer, but I did, and was shocked to find naked pictures of his ex (from about two to three years ago). I know he doesn't speak to her anymore. She cheated on him numerous times and treated him terribly. He has told me that she recently tried to contact him through Facebook and he blocked her and did not respond. I have access to his profile, so I know he did this and is telling the truth. But now I also know that he has looked at a certain nude picture of her, because I found it in his recent documents.

I was out of town last week, and it wouldn't have bothered me at all to know he was looking at porn, but I do have a problem with him looking at his ex. Should I confront him? If I tell him how I found it, I can't very well yell at him for not respecting me when I didn't respect his privacy. But it's really bothering me. We have been together about a year and a half and we have talked about a future together. What should I do?

- Ex Problems Erin

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Ex Problems Erin,

You're right; snooping isn't OK, and you did betray his privacy. However, just because you did something wrong doesn't excuse the fact that he still has naked, recently viewed pictures of his ex on his computer. I don't blame you for having a hard time just letting them go, and I do think you should broach the subject with him. But you will have to 'fess up to your misdeeds as well. Keep in mind that if you come at him with anger and reproach, he's likely to get defensive and turn it around on you. However, if you sit down to talk to him from the perspective of trying to fix some of these issues as a couple, then he'll be much more receptive.

Before you have this uncomfortable conversation, it's a good idea to figure out why you were snooping in the first place. Do you have trust issues that stem from a previous relationship? Did you feel like you had reason to look? Whatever it is, make sure to explain to your boyfriend that you intend to work on the issue and ultimately fix it. Then tell him that you expect the same from him in regards to hanging onto those pictures. You both have some work to do in order to create a more respectful and trusting relationship.

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