TresSugar

Dear Poll: Has He Ever Asked How He Compares?

DearSugar — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 13:00:00 -0800

Men, like women, are often insecure when it comes to sex They’re worried that they can’t satisfy you, they’re worried about finishing too quickly, and they’re worried about what they look like, down there. While I don't necessarily agree that bigger is better when it comes to penis size, I know that many guys have that impression, and thus, can end up feeling worried that they don’t measure up. So ladies, what I want to know is, has he ever asked you how his size compares?

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The How-To Lounge: Ending Those Obsessive Worries

DearSugar — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 10:00:00 -0800

If you’re anything like me then you probably have the tendency to obsess over little things all day long. I keep wondering things like what did that conversation mean? Was I wrong? The problem with these obsessive thoughts is they don’t get you anywhere, instead you just end up turning around in circles, rehashing the same thing over and over again in your head. To learn some tips for banishing these obsessive thoughts, read more

I actually think that a little obsessing can be beneficial when you’re processing something, so I don’t recommend avoiding it all together. The next time the worrying begins, really embrace it. Give yourself thirty minutes and put all of your energy into it. You might be able to work through it faster that way.
Sometimes we get shy when we’re obsessing over something because we don’t want people to know how obsessive we are. However, opening up and leaning on your friends for support is another great way to process your concerns. Another person's point of view could be just the thing you need. Keep in mind that your friends will only have a limited capacity to listen so don't overwhelm them.
Write it down. You can either write in a journal recounting the experience or your feelings, or you can write a letter to the person who you’re thinking of. You don’t have to send it, but it can be a great way to get everything out all at once.
Get distracted. Start planning something, a dinner party, your sister’s birthday, a work happy hour, anything that will keep you busy.

And of course, time will usually do the trick. Be patient with yourself, and forgiving too!

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Year-End Poll Results: Worries and Risks

DearSugar — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0800

Worrying is an inevitable part of life; the important thing is not letting those relationship, work, and money worries hamper our enjoyment of life. Worrying too much can prevent us from ever trying new things. So as part of our best of 2007 coverage, I posed two poignant questions: How many risks did you take in 2007, and what was your biggest worry?

Not surprisingly, 40 percent of readers named money as their biggest worry in 2007, while love life was a distant second with 19 percent of the votes. Fortunately, you guys aren't letting those worries get in the way of taking risks: 64 percent of you took anywhere from one to five big risks in 2007, and 10 percent of you said you've taken well more than 15 risks in order to push yourself and grow. Way to go!

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Stop That Thought, Part II: Managing Important Worries

DearSugar — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 11:00:00 -0700

If you worry too much, you're not alone. But it's important to consider what kinds of worries are plaguing you. Some worries are totally unproductive, meaning that thinking about them won't change anything, and I have some tips for banishing those from your brain. But what about things you actually need to worry about, like paying the bills, making travel plans, whatever?

For these concerns, you need to make sure you're worrying at the right time. Fretting about giving a presentation when you're stuck on the train or trying to plan a dinner party when you should be working just makes you more stressed out. You should manage those worries and compartmentalize them so they don't dominate your day. For some coping mechanisms, read more.

Make a list. Who doesn't love making a list? If you find that something is occupying your thoughts, take a moment to make a list of things you need to do later, or write a note to yourself listing the things that are on your mind. Now that you've written the worries down, put the list aside along with your thoughts.
Pick a worry time. This may sound a bit silly, but it works for many people. Pick a specific time in your day - maybe 15 minutes when you get home from work - that is reserved for worrying. You aren't allowed to worry any other time, so use those 15 minutes to sort out what's on your mind and come up with a plan of action.
Accomplish something else. If you're worrying about something you have to do later, you may not be able to take care of it right away, so occupy your mind by doing something else that will give you a sense of accomplishment. Respond to some emails, clean your desk, or get some exercise. Just accomplishing one thing will help you feel better about your worries.

Got any other tips for taming worries? Share them below!

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Stop That Thought, Part I: Taming Unproductive Worries

DearSugar — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 10:00:00 -0700

We all worry from time to time, but worrying is often totally unproductive. We have to sweat a lot of details and dilemmas in life, but getting stressed about things when you can't actually do anything about them isn't very helpful.

For instance, worrying about your upcoming dentist appointment won't make your filling hurt any less. Similarly, when you're at work, thinking about all the things you need to do when you get home will just stress you out. If you need a little help taming your worries, why not try a technique called "thought stopping"? The method can help you dismiss unproductive worries all together and save the important ones for another time.

For a few tips on pushing unproductive thoughts out of your mind, read more.

Some worries have a purpose - say, planning a dinner party or remembering to pay your bills. But other worries, like anxiety over a dentist visit, aren't doing you any favors. So why not push them out of your mind entirely? Try these tips and see what works for you.

Count to 10. When an unproductive worry enters your head, count to 10 and tell yourself you'll stop thinking about it when you're done counting. In your mind, shout "stop!" when you hit 10.
Go somewhere else. In your mind, that is. Pick a place that makes you happy - maybe curled up in bed or somewhere on your last vacation - and imagine yourself there every time a nasty thought plagues you.
Replace the unhealthy with something healthy. Instead of dwelling on something that's only going to stress you out, replace your worry with a healthy thought. Remind yourself about something you're happy about or thankful for.

What about the things you really need to worry about? Stay tuned for my tips on saving the important worries for another time. Meanwhile, share your tips below.

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Stress-Relief Kit: How to Worry Better

DearSugar — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 15:00:00 -0700

Worry operates a lot like clutter. It mounts, causes anxiety, gets in our way, and keeps us from getting things done. I don't really believe it's possible to quit worrying, but I do think we can worry better.

Click here to read more

Here's my system:

Get yourself a small journal -- I dig the little Moleskine ones -- and keep it with you at all times.
Start to be very vigilant about hearing your thoughts: this is key.
When you hear yourself worrying, whip out your notebook and write down all the things you're worrying about. Make a list. We love lists, right?
Make a date with yourself every Sunday to review what's in the notebook.
Make a promise not to worry about the things on that list until Sunday. Each time you catch yourself returning to a worry, gently but firmly remind yourself to wait until Sunday.
Plan to allow yourself an hour on Sunday. Open the notebook and attend to each worry as if you were handling a pile of clutter or an inbox full of emails.
I like the DRAF system: Discard, Refer, Act, File.
Assign each worry in your notebook one of these actions.
Discard it if there's nothing you or anyone else can do. This can mean turning it over to God, a higher power, to the Universe, or simply accepting that it's not something that's possible to resolve. Be honest and be realistic. No hoarding. If you or someone else can't actually do anything about it, out it goes.
Refer means pass it over to someone else. Delegate it. Ask for help. Or, if necessary, do some research, learn more about what you can do to help yourself around this worry. Talk to a friend, a partner or a professional about it.
Act on it if you can. These are juicy ones. Life is hard enough, ladies. If there's something on that list you can handle, have control over or can get behind you, do it now. Worrying makes things harder. We do not want things to be harder. Get crackin'.
File it away. Literally. If you're anything like me, the worries you file will mainly constitute worries about something from the past. If it's over and done with, ladies, take out a sheet of paper, write that worry on it, and put it in a file. Label the file: Completed. This means you let it go. Date the sheet of paper and include your initials. Mean it. Make a big, bold line through that worry in your notebook. Repeat as necessary.

And then, ladies, comes Monday. Start again, noticing your thoughts.

3 Common Worries in 2008

DearSugar — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 15:00:00 -0800

2008 was a loaded year. We made presidential history and are still suffering through some grim economic times, but when you add that to our everyday stress, it's no wonder so many of us had some serious worries in 2008.

I'm sure the top three stressors of the year won't surprise you, but check them out below - it might be comforting to know you're not alone:

Job security
Health of family and friends
Relationships

If you want to vent any more of your worries from this year, have at it in the comments section below!

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What Was Your Biggest Worry in 2008?

DearSugar — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 07:30:00 -0800

Was it just me or did 2008 feel like a very stressful, yet exciting year? Not only did we make presidential history, but our economy unfortunately made history too. Whether it's your bank account, your career, your relationship, your family, or your future, tell me, what was your biggest worry in 2008?

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Do Tell: Worrying About Men

DearSugar — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 03:31:00 -0700

I found an article in this month's Psychologies magazine, from the UK, in which Diane Keaton talks about her career, her infamous liaisons, and her life as an unmarried woman. I was struck by this one quote in particular: "I spent too much time worrying about men I was in love with."

It made me wonder, ladies, just how much time we spend worrying about the men in our lives? If we added up all the minutes and hours, how much time would that be? Do tell, can you relate to what Ms. Keaton said?

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You Asked: Should I Be Worried About His Dance Partners?

DearSugar — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 09:01:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I have been in a relationship for 9 months with a man I feel is the love of my life. He is 51 and I am 42. He has been divorced for 7 years, me for only 1 year. We were good friends before I was divorced, nothing more, although the attraction was there. My marriage was in the toilet.

The problem has been that he has a lot of female friends. Almost zero guy friends. He has had 7 intimate relationships in 7 years. He is still friends with some of these women. I came into a situation where he is still seeing some of them socially. Most of these women are dancers, he goes to dance every week.

The problem is, he is in Boston, I am in Atlanta. When he goes to dance class, he usually stays and parties with all of his friends. It makes me jealous. He has never given me any reason to not trust him, but there are two women in particular, one who he has admitted he has been attracted to
in the past and one who could not move on from their prior relationship. The first I feel is my friend as well, the second refuses to meet me. So, when he goes to class, these women are generally there. It makes me insane that he is dancing and partying with them.

Am I overreacting? I used to feel much more insecure than I do now, but being in an LDR (long distance relationship) has added definite challenges to the situation. We are talking engagement and marriage. I am so in love and he calls me five times a day saying the same thing. -- Nervous Naomi

Advice? --

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Long-distance relationships bring with them some measure of instability and insecurity, particularly if the greatest part of the relationship is spent or built while apart. We don't get the opportunity to build and demonstrate trust and connection in the ways we do on a daily basis, in a variety of situations. As several of his current classmates have become lovers (and then friends again), I believe your worries are only natural. Keeping those worries in perspective and working to prevent jealousy and fear from undermining the relationship will be your challenge, Naomi.

It sounds as if your boyfriend has been dating and exploring relationships with women since his divorce. This is what we do, how we refine and discover what we want in an intimate relationship, and dating is the means to learn these things. If you know him as an honest and respectful person, who values the women in his life and treats them respectfully, then I would ask you to have faith in what you know.

I think it would also be wise to have a very honest discussion with your boyfriend about your fears. While you've expressed your love and hopes for the future, I encourage you both to discuss how you think about commitment, monogamy, and handling attractions while you're apart. We must be wise in love, too, Naomi, while we remain open and hopeful. Before an engagement, I encourage you both to come to know each other well, over time in the same city, growing together while handling together the daily struggles and rewards of an intimate relationship.

For more help exploring your longer standing struggle with feelings of insecurity and jealousy, perhaps you might take a look at the book If This Is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure?

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