TresSugar

Do Tell: Do You Talk About Your Co-Workers to Other Friends at Work?

DearSugar — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Even if you don't spend time with your work buddies outside of the office, you've probably made some pretty good "work friends" - you know those people you can vent to, share exciting news with, and gossip. And when the going gets tough between nine and five, they are the only ones that can understand your frustration so it's no wonder we all rely so much on them. And I know it's not the most PC thing to do, but it's pretty common to vent about other people in the office to those trusted confidants. I'll admit that I do it on occasion so do tell, do you talk about other co-workers, even your boss, to your friends at work? Don't worry, I won't tattle on you!

Source

Hump Day: Sex Makes Her Uncomfortable

TresSugar — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:30:23 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. If you have questions about sex, send them to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:
I'm 24 and in my first relationship. I really like the guy, we've been going out for six months, but I get nervous whenever he slips his hand under my underwear. He gets the hint and stops. I don't mind him doing other things (we haven't slept together yet), but I wish I wasn't such a prude. I don't know what he expects and I worry that he will be grossed out, as I only shave/wax the bikini line but not the whole thing. What if he thinks it is ugly? I also don't know what I should expect; he knows I'm a virgin, but I don't know how to speak to him about why I get uncomfortable, and I don't know how to overcome it! I also have a few stretch marks and worry that he will be grossed out by them. Please help?

To read Dr. Glickman's response, read more.

Thank you for sharing this challenging situation. I know that it can be scary to talk about things like this, but these are all really common thoughts.

One of the things that can help when you’re on the edge of your comfort zone is to take it very slowly. It’ll probably help to tell your guy about your discomfort, even if you can’t tell him why it’s there. You could simply say "I have a lot of discomfort around sex." You also might want to do a little solo exploration. It takes the pressure off because there aren’t any partner expectations. Check out the wonderful book Becoming Orgasmic. If you’re looking for tips or ideas for techniques, Tickle Your Fancy is full of suggestions. Once you know a bit more about what you like or dislike, you and your boyfriend might be able to find something that you both like to do.

It’s worth mentioning that vulvas come in all different shapes. (The vulva is the external female anatomy. The vagina is the inside part.) There’s a long history of negative attitudes towards the vulva, but each one is unique and beautiful in its own way. A lot of women have the idea that there’s something wrong with their vulvas because they don’t look like what we see in porn or because they have hair, and I think that’s unfortunate. I strongly recommend getting to know your parts and Scarleteen has a great site about that. It’s geared towards teens, but there's lots of amazing info about sex, bodies, and pleasure.

Another option would be to explore some of these concerns with a therapist. When you have an itch on your back, you need someone else to scratch it. Therapists help us by reaching the spots we can’t reach on our own. Lastly, depending on where you are, you could join a body-image support group. While they tend not to focus on sexuality, they can be an incredibly helpful way to work through our concerns about our bodies and how we (or other people) feel about them.

Working through these challenges isn’t always easy, but it can be very rewarding. Whatever route you choose, I hope you find the pleasure and joy that you deserve.

Ask an MBA Student: Is It OK For My Boyfriend to See His Ex?

TresSugar — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 09:00:44 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a guy working on his MBA tries to help out a woman nervous about her boyfriend's ex. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's Question:
My boyfriend's ex-girlfriend just moved back in town and he wants to hang out with her. She's going to stop by his house this week so they can catch up. They broke up a couple of years ago, but they dated for a few years so this sort of makes me uncomfortable. Can I tell him that I don't want them to be friends? I don't know whether I should be upset or just let it go.

Signed,
Nervous

To read the MBA student's advice, read more.

Dear Nervous,

My advice is to let them hang out and catch up initially. It's natural for friends who haven't seen each other to meet up; there is nothing to worry about. I think it might be a good idea for you to be there, if your boyfriend is OK with that. If this is truly a friend situation, he shouldn't have a problem with you being there, and if the ex-girlfriend is moving back into town then she should want to get to know you. After they catch up, the novelty might go away and they might never see each other again as people change. However, if they continue to hang out and see each other a lot, you can let him know that it makes you uncomfortable. He should respect your wishes and tone it down.

Signed,
An MBA Student

Hump Day: How Can I Become Multi-Orgasmic?

TresSugar — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I keep hearing about women who can have 'multiple orgasms' and I can't figure out exactly what this means. Does it mean a woman who can have more than one orgasm in a night? One orgasm after another with little downtime? (Is that even possible? Most women are so sensitive after having an orgasm!) Anyway, if it exists, is there a way I can become multi-orgasmic?" To hear Dr. Glickman's response, read more

Part of the challenge in defining “multiple orgasms” is that different people use the term to mean different things. For some women, it means more than one orgasm during a single sex session, whether they’re 5 minutes or 30 minutes (or more) apart. For other women, it means one after another, without much time between them.

You’re right that many women are extra sensitive after an orgasm, but not everyone. In fact, some women find that they can just keep going, especially if they change what they’re doing. For example, someone might find that she can have an orgasm from clitoral stimulation and then switch to penetration for a second one. Or maybe she might have one orgasm from oral sex, take a break for a bit with something else to keep the passion up, and then go back to oral sex for a second orgasm. And there are women out there who don’t need a break after one orgasm before they start building towards a second one.

Not all women can become multi-orgasmic, but many women can. Some women find that their ability to be multi-orgasmic can change over time, too. So if it doesn’t happen for you now, don’t stress about it. You may find that in a few years, something changes and suddenly, it falls into place.

One really great place to look for more info on how to do it is Mantak Chia’s book The Multi-Orgasmic Woman. He approaches sex from the Taoist tradition, which works with sexuality as a form of energy that we can learn to channel, harness, and expand. If you’re familiar with energetic practices such as yoga, this perspective might be familiar. He has a book for men and one for male/female couples, too.

Another place you could look for information about this is Tantra. While most people only know about Tantra as a laundry list of sex positions from the Kama Sutra, there’s actually a lot more to it than that. Tantra is a set of practices that teach you to work with your sexual energy and it can help you expand your ability to experience pleasure, deepen intimacy, and have multiple orgasms. There are some good books like Urban Tantra and Tantric Sex for Women, as well as some DVDs.

In my experience, the best way to learn about Tantra is through experiential workshops because these are techniques that are much easier to understand when someone is demonstrating them. Most Tantra classes are fully-clothed and many are designed for people to come solo, while others are for couples. You can find out more about Tantra or look for workshop teachers on www.tantra.com.

One thing that I do want to be clear on: not everyone can become multi-orgasmic. If it doesn’t happen for you, there’s nothing wrong with you. I’ve seen a lot of people become very goal-oriented about it and they often end up sabotaging themselves because they’re not actually enjoying the sex that they’re having. So I encourage you to try it out and see what works for you, but don’t get so caught up in it that you forget to have fun. Otherwise, what’s the point?

You Asked: How can a Shy Girl Make New Friends?

DearSugar — Tue, 17 Apr 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--
I moved to Japan by myself for a job a couple of months ago and I am having a hard time making friends. I am a very shy person and I don't feel comfortable walking into bars or going to restaurants by myself (both of which have been recommended as good places to make friends). I also don't feel comfortable initiating conversations with strangers, especially since I can yet string together a complete sentence.

Because I'm Asian, I completely blend in and don't get the benefit of having random strangers start conversations with me like other foreigners in Japan do. I started going to Japanese lessons offered by a community centre in hopes of
meeting people but the volunteers there are all senior citizens. They are very nice but I want to meet people my age. The other students too are all much older. I am a single woman in my mid-twenties and I want to have some
fun! But I don't know where to start. Any suggestions? --Lonely Laurie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Lonely Laurie--
Moving to a new city, let alone a new country can be a difficult transition, so while you are shy, stepping out of your comfort zone and being a little more outgoing than usual will help move you in the right direction to creating a new life for yourself. Making friends can be equated to dating, you have to go through a screening process to see if you are compatible with potential new friends, a process that won't happen overnight.

Since you moved to Japan for work, have you gotten to know any of your co-workers? Making friends through your job is a sure fire way of finding people with similar interests. Venturing out and exploring/participating in community activities is another great way to meet people. Join a gym, or a local book club. Instead of reading or working at home, try spending some time in a coffee shop. Volunteering is a wonderful way to spend your time so perhaps look into something a little more age appropriate.

Are you opposed to meeting people on the internet? Even if you don't use it as a way to find a "love connection" you could use it as an easy way to make friends. Do you have a favorite boutique you visit often? Sparking conversation with store owners and sales associates is yet another great way to meet local people that could in time, introduce you to friends of friends.

Making connections with people won't happen overnight, so be patient and don't give up. Getting yourself out there and being approachable is the best thing you can do. Hopefully in time you will develop your own niche and Japan will feel like home! Good luck.

Source

Dear Poll: Do You Mix Business With Pleasure?

DearSugar — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 16:00:00 -0800

I've asked you before how you feel about dating people you work with, but what about befriending the people you work with? Since we inevitably spend more time with our co-workers than our friends and family, it's easy to develop strong bonds. But no matter how much you may try to deny it, we live in a dog-eat-dog world. It seems like everyone is out to better their career, make more money, and climb the corporate ladder, which makes me question if co-workers make trustworthy friends. Obviously every company dynamic is different as is every friendship so tell me ladies, do you combine your personal life with your professional one?

Source

Hump Day: I Have Little Desire to Have Sex Anymore

TresSugar — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Today's Question:

“When my husband and I first got married, I was so in love with him that we had sex what (for me) seemed like a lot (a few times a week). But now, three years into it, I feel like my baseline libido, which never was much in the first place, has flatlined. I simply have no interest in sex mentally or physically. My husband keeps asking me if there’s someone else, but in reality, I don’t want sex at all - with anyone. I’m worried he’s going to leave me, this is causing so many problems between us. Any advice?”

To see the answer, read more

It’s pretty common for sexual frequency for couples to lessen after a couple of years. It’s not always just the stereotypical “things are becoming routine” situation. Shifts in hormones can occur as time goes by and those shifts can affect sexual desire. Lots of people have a low interest in sex for any of a number of reasons. It’s not necessarily a sign of any kind of problem and if that has been your pattern for a long time; that may be simply how your sexuality is.

Do you consider your lack of interest in sex a problem? If you do, you might want to see if there are any medical issues causing it. You could have low testosterone for example. While we generally only think of it as a male hormone, women also have some testosterone in their systems and it’s often related to interest in sex. Sexual desire is quite complex and sometimes, the answers aren’t as easy as that, but it could be worth exploring.

Whether you think that your low desire is a problem or not, it sounds like your concerns center on how you and your husband talk about it and what his and your expectations are. Differences in desire can be one of the more tricky relationship challenges and almost all couples face it at some point or another. When you consider how much we (as a culture) equate sexual desire with relationship health, it’s no wonder that many of us feel a lot of pressure around it.

While I would NEVER suggest to anyone that they engage in sex that they don’t want, the two of you might want to explore other ways to connect physically. After all, it doesn’t have to be sex or intercourse. For example, would it work if you gave him backrubs? What if he masturbated while you help him or ran your hands across him? And are there ways that you would like to receive physical contact? As another possibility, are there ways in which the two of you could make room for him to get his sexual needs met, such as giving him solo time at home for some self-pleasure?

Whether you find your low desire a problem or not, you could also find a sex-positive therapist. One of the most helpful things that a therapist can offer is tools for talking about tricky topics and a safe space to do it in. Plus, sometimes an outside perspective can be really helpful. There are plenty of great people who know about sexuality issues and lots of them can be found on the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Anyone in their directory has passed a rigorous certification process, which gives them the foundation to be as helpful with sexuality topics as possible.

Ultimately, the best advice I can offer you is to be honest with each other about what’s going on for you and how you each feel about it. With that as the foundation, the two of you can start looking for new ways to be together that work for both of you.

Très Bizarre: Plastic Surgeon Sculpts His Perfect Bride

TresSugar — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 10:15:00 -0800

This story is très bizarre and très depressing. When plastic surgeon Reza Vossough met his future bride Cany, he identified a few areas for improvement - specifically, her chest, thighs, eyes, lips, butt, stomach, and forehead. Lucky for Reza, once he and Cany got married he performed eight procedures that would turn his 33-year-old wife into his "perfect woman."

Speaking about his work, Reza said: "It's almost like being God - you have the ability to change nature." No promise that it will look natural, however. And don't feel too bad for Cany. She seems pretty happy, explaining that when you marry a plastic surgeon, "the scalpel is your friend."

I guess the old adage that you can never really change someone isn't true in this case.

He Doesn't Seem to Listen? Blame His Brain

TresSugar — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 11:30:00 -0700

I've been lucky to have boyfriends who didn't just love talking like I do, but who were good listeners, too. Maybe they were in the minority, or maybe they worked hard to overcome what many scientists say is a male brain hardwired to keep conversation short and informational.

Compared to women's brains, researchers conclude that men's brains not only have fewer verbal centers, but their brains produce less serotonin and oxytocin. The former aids in calming a person down and the latter with bonding.

Sociolinguist Deborah Tannen's fascinating book You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation, focused on how men and women are socialized to have different conversational styles. Women, she argued, use talk to connect emotionally to another person, while men use conversation to impart knowledge. If you want to hear tips on how men and women can better communicate, then read more.

So whether we look to biology or society for the differences in men and women's conversational styles, the differences seem to be there. How can we bridge the gap? Psychotherapist Robi Ludwig has some tips. For men, she suggests that they remind themselves that although they think women talk too much, take too long to get to the point, or don't allow for lulls in conversation, that women are talking to connect to them, so they should listen to show emotional support. Women don't necessarily want you to solve the problems they're telling you about - just listen. And just because you're not fascinated with what she's saying, she probably listens to a lot of stuff with rapt attention about which she couldn't care less.

And women? Pay attention to timing. Don't bring things up when he's trying to unwind, try to keep it short and to the point (this would be impossible for me!), and make sure he's listening by pausing and maintaining eye contact. Or, you could use a strategy some of my female friends have taken: go to your female friends if you have something you really want someone to listen to!

Hump Day: Where's My G-Spot?

TresSugar — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:00:00 -0700

Today's Question:

"I have decent enough sex with my boyfriend, but I don't always have an orgasm. I've heard that if my G-spot is stimulated, not only will I have a better chance of having an orgasm, but that it will be more intense. Is this true? Where is the G-spot?"

To hear Dr. Glickman's answer, read more.

Let’s start with a little anatomy.

The G-spot is a relatively small patch of tissue that you can find by inserting a finger into the vagina and curving towards the belly button (upwards if you’re on your back). Many women report that the G-spot is much easier to find if they’re already turned on because it engorges with blood. In fact, some women and their partners find that the G-spot can go from impossible to find to quite prominent during arousal. So start off with something that definitely works for you and then try adding G-spot explorations.

The G-spot surrounds the urethra and some folks find that stimulating it can feel sort of like needing to go to the bathroom. You may find it helpful to go to the bathroom before starting out so that you’ll know that your bladder is empty. Also, some women have discovered that G-spot play can result in female ejaculation. While scientists disagree about female ejaculation, we do know that it’s not urine and is chemically similar to men’s prostatic fluid. This makes sense, since the G-spot and the prostate are quite similar. If you’re concerned about it, put a towel down first so you can relax and enjoy the ride.

As far as whether G-spot play will rock your world or not, I can’t make any promises. Some women adore it and would never choose to have sex without it. Others find it uncomfortable or say that it just doesn’t do anything for them. As always when it comes to sex, your mileage may vary so don’t get stressed out if it doesn’t do much for you.

OK, so how do you actually do G-spot play? First, it may be easier if your boyfriend is the one wielding the fingers. It can be a bit awkward to try to reach it yourself. Some popular techniques include the “come-here” motion, making circles, tapping, stroking, or the “windshield wiper” movement. It may also be more fun if he’s pleasuring your clitoris at the same time, perhaps with his other hand or his mouth. Or you could use a hand or a vibrator on your clit.

If you want to use a toy for the G-spot, try something with a curve or a prominent head since those shapes makes it easier to hit the spot. Here are a few popular ones. Or you might enjoy one of the ”Rabbit” style vibrators.

For more detailed information about the G-spot, I’m a big fan of the DVD The Expert Guide to the G-Spot as well as the book Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot.

If you’re looking for ways to increase your chances of having an orgasm during intercourse, you might find that some G-spot fun as a warm-up improves your odds. Even if G-spot play doesn’t result in an orgasm for you, if it increases your pleasure and arousal, that will probably make it easier to have an orgasm when doing something else. Or you could have a G-spot orgasm before having intercourse, if that works better for you. You could also see if using a vibrator or your fingers on your clitoris during sex does the trick. After all, 70 percent of women report that they need some clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, so you’d be in good company.