TresSugar

You Asked: Are We Too Different to Make It Work?

DearSugar — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been dating this guy that I really like for a few months now and we've fallen quickly in love. I'm 26, he's 31 and this is the first serious relationship for both of us. We have a pretty good relationship for the most part, but when we touch upon sensitive subjects, things can turn a little sour. He loves luxuries (Italian designer clothing, nice restaurants, etc) but I prefer more simple things because I'd like to save money for the future. I want to get a master's degree within the next couple of years and he's stuck in a low paying job and doesn't seem to be doing much about it. I make more than him. He says he wants to find something better, but when I presented him with an opportunity that I heard about, he was more concerned about the transportation to that job than the wonderful opportunity. The job is only 35 minutes away by car and it pays a lot more than what he makes now.

When I was starting out in the working world, I did everything I could to find a good job, even if it meant I had to drive 40 minutes to work. My family did the same. He says he wants something better but that he isn't sure about what he wants to do in the future. I feel like we are on two different levels in our life and I'm starting to wonder if our relationship can work. I've talked to my parents about this and they feel like we are just too different, that we have different morals and that it could never work. I know he loves me and I want to be with him too, but now I'm confused. What do you think? - Mismatched Malorie

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Mismatched Malorie,

You've heard of opposites attracting, and while I feel that saying holds true in some cases, I happen to believe it's the similar traits that really make for a long lasting partnership. Money and work ethic are huge subjects that must be discussed before entering into a long term relationship. Since you have such different views on life goals now, and since you're already becoming so irritated by his lack of drive to better his occupation, keep in mind that it could only get worse later down the road. I'm pretty sure you don't want to be a harping, nagging girlfriend and unfortunately, it's not very likely that you'll be able to change him.

One thing to keep in mind is how you react to each other when you do touch upon those sensitive subjects. It's important to have your own beliefs while respecting each others. I would keep getting to know each other better and follow your own feelings about this, not your parents. If you have to really question whether or not you're too different to make it work, chances are the answer is yes, but before you give up, make sure you have all the evidence you need to make the right decision. Good luck.

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Ask an Agnostic: I Cheated on My Husband and Feel Guilty

TresSugar — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a Christian woman who cheated on her husband feels guilty and needs advice; she'll get some from an agnostic. If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I have a confession to make: I'm having an affair. I'm a good woman, and I do love my husband very deeply but I have a problem with being alone and he is not here. I have always had a problem with cheating and I have never been faithful in a relationship. I recently ended the affair but the guilt is killing me and I don't know what to do, especially as a Christian woman.

Signed,
Guilty as Sin

To hear what an agnostic has to say, read more

Dear Guilty,

I don't know what to tell you "as a Christian woman," as I am an agnostic woman and religion doesn't factor into my life, but I will tell you what I know about cheaters and cheating. It may not assuage your guilt, but perhaps it will help you to figure out why you continue to sabotage your relationships and undermine your self-esteem, and hopefully it will get you into therapy or counseling to get to the bottom of why you keep stepping out on people you say you love so deeply.

I have a theory about cheaters: they don't feel too good about themselves. I've heard many justifications for cheating, and they all seem to be variations on the theme of, "I'm being cheated, so I have a free pass to cheat." Let's say they feel cheated because they're not being paid attention to by their partner. Instead of expressing this to the partner and seeing how they can remedy it to their mutual satisfaction (or, if there's no remedy, to get the hell out of the relationship), they grab onto what they can to fill that void, their partner be damned. It's a passive-aggressive act that seems to say, "I am too powerless (or chicken) to directly confront this head-on, so I will get what I can on the down-low."

Or let's say they're jealous of their partner, who might be more successful, happier or have more sexual experience than they. Cheating for them accomplishes two things. Out of resentment that life hasn't given them what they wanted, and out of a feeling of egoic deficiency - they get a quick fix of attention from another person (filling a void inside by outside validation), and they secretly punish their partner for having what they don't.

You say you've never been faithful in a relationship, so although you almost blame your husband for your cheating ("he is not here"), you also admit you are the one with the problem. This is a good first step. So what to do now? There are two schools of thought about what you should do if you've cheated and stopped.

One school says that to tell the person you cheated on would be selfish; all it would accomplish is to put your burden on them. This school of thought says you should just suck it up and vow to yourself you'll never do it again. Another school says that you must come clean and give the other person a chance to decide whether or not they want to forgive you or work on the relationship with you.

This is a personal decision I can't make for you. For me, cheating is an (almost) irreparable act of contempt for the person you're in a relationship with. If it happened to me, I would want to have the chance to determine whether or not the person who did it was a) truly sorry, and b) sure it wouldn't happen again. I don't think I'd want someone of questionable ethics to decide on my behalf. Plus, I'd have more respect for someone who came clean even at the risk of losing the relationship.

What seems most important to me is that you figure out why, especially if you believe in the pretty rigid moral code of Christianity (especially when it comes to sexual matters), you keep on cheating? Maybe you are rebelling against this moral code. What do you lack within your marriage (but more importantly, within yourself) that you're getting from attention outside your marriage? (Maybe your husband travels a lot, leaving you alone. Lots of people are alone, though, without feeling empty inside. This is an important distinction.) Are you someone who doesn't feel comfortable confronting others, or asking for what you want? This "people-pleasing" attitude often means a lot of repressed anger, which can lead to cheating.

Whatever you decide to do, the first step I would recommend you take is to repair the relationship you have with yourself. If your actions don't square with your beliefs about right and wrong, you need to confront that first before you begin to heal your relationship with your husband. Hope that helps and good luck to you.

Sorority President Commissions $900K Wax Statue of Herself

TresSugar — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 10:00:00 -0700

It might have been OK to waste funds when former Chicago Housing Authority comptroller Barbara McKinzie worked in government, but her sorority sisters at Alpha Kappa Alpha are not having it! McKinzie, who is the current national president of the oldest predominantly black sorority, is being sued by AKA members for misusing funds. One of the alleged offenses? Spending $900,000 on a wax statue of herself.

Moving from the bizarre to the blatant, McKinzie is also accused of racking up $400,000 in personal expenses and setting up a $4,000 a month pension for herself for after she leaves office.

McKinzie denies the allegations, saying: "The malicious allegations leveled against AKA by former leaders are based on mischaracterizations and fabrications not befitting our ideals of sisterhood, ethics and service."

If the allegations are true, perhaps McKinzie thought she had to live up to the lifestyle enjoyed by some of the sorority's famous alumnae. That list includes: Alicia Keys, Jada Pinkett Smith, Eleanor Roosevelt, Maya Angelou, Gladys Knight, Rosa Parks, and Coretta Scott King.

Ask a Grad Student: Should I Stop Snooping On My Boyfriend?

TresSugar — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 08:30:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. Today, a graduate student will offer her common sense advice. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

Dear Grad Student,

I've been going out with this guy for almost two years. He actually blocked me on Facebook once because he claimed that I was asking too much about his updates (like his exes writing to him) so he removed me. I created an alias and became friends with him and this girl so I could see what he was saying. What I saw made me so angry, I confronted him. I always ended up apologizing because I was the one who had to admit I invaded his privacy. I deleted that account.

One day at my place, he left his account signed in on my computer so I checked his inbox and saw that he was still flirting with his ex f•ckbuddy and he was telling her things like his loins burn for her and they missed each other. He was also inviting girls for coffee and dates. I again confronted him, and he told me that some of the things I'd read he'd said during the month we had broken up. In any case, he changed his password.

Now I am using Gmail where Facebook notifications are sent, and there are still things there that drive me crazy. I don't want to be a jealous, insecure bitch, so I want to know if someone thinks I should go on snooping, or will I go to hell if I keep it up?

To find out what the graduate student has to say, read more

Dear Snoopy,

As I write this, I picture you sitting in your car outside your boyfriend’s apartment in a hat, sunglasses, and a glued-on mustache waiting to catch him red-handed with one of his paramours. I say this not to be mean or make light of what you’re going through, but to get you to think about what you have been reduced to in this relationship: you are a desperate private investigator instead of a girlfriend.

Before I address what you’ve found out, I want to say a little something about trust. It’s a cliché but it’s true: trust is the foundation of a relationship, and without it, you really have nothing. You don’t say anything in your question about what your two-year relationship was like leading up to your Facebook and Gmail investigations. Was it great, and then something he did made you suspicious? Or are you just a naturally suspicious (and insecure) person, who, during the course of her investigations, found out the boyfriend was flirting with exes and making coffee dates with other women?

In any case - here we are. You are two years into a relationship with a man who sends other women sexual messages and invitations for coffee and who has blocked you on Facebook, and you seem to be spending all of your time trying to catch him saying something incriminating. Is this really the kind of relationship you want?

If you believe your boyfriend when he says that he did this flirting when you were broken up, you need to sit down with him and have a frank conversation about your fears and doubts. And then stop snooping on him. It’s not that you’ll go to hell for continuing to snoop or even that it’s ethically messed up - although it is. You should stop snooping for your own psychological health. It sounds like you’re addicted to invading your boyfriend’s privacy in the hopes you’ll find something that will hurt you so that you can feel bad about yourself both for being potentially cheated on and also for being a "jealous insecure bitch."

If you really think this guy is stepping out on you, why not just break up with him and heal your own hurt? Your problems here are bigger than his Facebook updates. You need to feel secure within yourself before you can trust that you can be in a relationship without having to snoop to feel safe. A healthy relationship involves being with someone you trust - until he has done something to betray that trust. Then, you have to make a healthy decision either to walk out or try to make it work.

Take off your private investigator hat and investigate your own motivations and behaviors and learn what a solid, healthy relationship looks like. (Maybe with the help of a therapist?) Then you'll be able to make the right decision.

Say What?

TresSugar — Mon, 18 May 2009 09:00:00 -0700

"Maybe we won't agree on abortion, but we can still agree that this heart-wrenching decision for any woman is not made casually, it has both moral and spiritual dimensions. So let us work together to reduce the number of women seeking abortions, let's reduce unintended pregnancies. Let's make adoption more available. Let's provide care and support for women who do carry their children to term. Let's honor the conscience of those who disagree with abortion, and draft a sensible conscience clause, and make sure that all of our health care policies are grounded not only in sound science, but also in clear ethics, as well as respect for the equality of women."

President Obama delivered a much-anticipated commencement speech yesterday at the University of Notre Dame. Obama said that whether Americans are pro-choice or pro-life (like the students who protested his visit), they can still find common ground on the issue. Check out some more pictures from the ceremony and the protests.

View 5 Photos ›

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US Using High-Tech Drones to Fight Low-Tech Pirates

LibertySugar — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 11:00:17 -0800

Unmanned US drones, equipped with cameras and night vision, are hunting pirates off the coast of Somalia.

The planes will fly (themselves) low, and take detailed pictures of the pirates' fishing boats, relaying them to the international antipiracy coalition. Without risking any US lives, the drones make it harder for Somalian pirates to hide, and easier to protect at least some of the 100 ships that are attacked each year by the pirates.

US drones are at work around the world. Last week, Sen. Feinstein (D-CA) disclosed for the first time that there are pilotless CIA Predator aircraft patrols in Pakistan. Although the details are top secret, experts believe the drones are controlled by the US. And they allegedly carry out missile strikes against extremist targets in Pakistan.

How do you feel about unmanned aircrafts carrying out military operations - are robot fighters safer and more accurate, or ethically questionable?

Front Page: Iran Claims to Test Missile Within Israel's Reach

CitizenSugar — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 08:00:00 -0800

Iran announced today that it tested a new surface-to-surface air missile, adding that it is ready to defend itself against an attack. - Reuters
John McCain will go to Georgia tomorrow to push for Republican Senator Saxby Chambliss, who is stuck in a tight race there with a Democratic challenger. Three Senate races, in Georgia, Minnesota, and Alaska, have yet to be called. If they go Democrat, the party will significantly widen its majority in Senate. - USA Today

Lobbyists will be restricted from participating in President-elect Barack Obama's transition to the White House. Under self-imposed ethics restrictions, Obama will not allow lobbyists to work in areas in which they have worked for clients in the last year.- New York Times
The US and Russia will begin talks on nuclear proliferation tomorrow, working toward a new treaty to replace the expiring Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty (START). The Bush administration also is planning to minimize Russian objections to a US missile defense program in Europe. - Associated Press

Source

Obama Introduces National Security Team Starring Hillary!

LibertySugar — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 10:30:57 -0800

This morning President-elect Obama rolled out his national security team, proving that you don't have to be an Obama loyalist to get a plumb role in his administration. Hillary Clinton appeared as the next US secretary of state, delivering a moving acceptance speech.

Joining Hillary was Vice President-elect Joe Biden, Robert M. Gates, the current defense secretary, Arizona Gov. Janet Napolitano who will be secretary of Homeland Security, Gen. James L. Jones, the former NATO commander who will be a national security adviser, Eric Holder who will serve as attorney general, and Susan Rice, the next UN ambassador.

While Obama made it obvious that he wasn't going to outline his entire plan to keep the nation secure, the press conference did have some insightful moments. They include:

Obama on what made him tap Hillary: "She possesses an extraordinary intelligence and toughness, and a remarkable work ethic. . . . She is an American of tremendous stature who will have my complete confidence, who knows many of the world's leaders, who will command respect in every capital, and who will clearly have the ability to advance our interests around the world."
On how he reconciled with former rival Hillary: "I extended her the offer and she accepted. I know that’s not as juicy a story as you were hoping for, but that’s all you’re going to get.”
On his role as leader of the team of rivals: "I will be setting policy as president. The buck will stop with me.”
After thanking her fellow New Yorkers, Hillary said: "Mr. President-elect, I am proud to join you on what will be a difficult and exciting adventure in this new century."

View 5 Photos ›

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Ever Wondered Why Asians Seem Like Better Students?

CitizenSugar — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 09:00:28 -0700

A group of eight students at Lincoln High School in Los Angeles hunkered down in a room to talk about a touchy subject: What's behind the Asian math-whiz-valedictorian stereotype - and why do other ethnic backgrounds appear to come up short in the classroom?

Long thought to be traceable to socioeconomic backgrounds that theory no longer makes the grade. At Lincoln High School both the surrounding neighborhood and student body are 15 percent Asian - why then do Asian students make up 50 percent of the Advanced Placement classes, and teachers can’t remember the last time a Latino was valedictorian?

The students' talk about the difference was frank. When talking about a Hispanic student who was good at math one said, "I think Carlos is Asian at heart," and described one Asian student who didn't get good grades as, "Mexican at heart." The students squashed the economic background reasoning, agreeing that of their school, the Latino and Asian students came mostly from poor and working-class families.

Looking further at census data, 84 percent of the Asian and Latino families in the area earn below $50,000 - stumping the fact that the Science Bowl team is 90 percent Asian, as is the Academic Decathlon team.

To see possible reasons for this, read more.

The students say that Asian parents are more likely to pressure their kids to excel academically. "My parents are always like, 'If you don't do well in school, then it's all going to be worth nothing,' "
Peer expectations also enforce the stereotype. "They expect me to be smart. Even if, like, I do everything wrong on purpose, they still copy off of me - as if I'm right just because I'm Asian."
Research studying the Mexican work ethic found that labor and education occupy the same pedestal of importance, and in some cases work is even more valued, "In Latino families, being able to work to provide defines your manhood, your worthiness."

Do these reasons seem plausible? Is it possible to figure out why stereotypes exist?

Source

Who Do You Consider a Media Hero? Collect and Trade Them!

CitizenSugar — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 00:00:42 -0700

If your Garbage Pail Kids cards are long forgotten (or Pokemon perhaps?) it might be time for a new set to collect and trade. Who might be better than a pack of media luminaries who've changed the tenor of discourse? The folks at Reclaim the Media know that it takes more than a .400 batting average to make a difference and wind up on a card - that's why they've created their own Media Heroes trading cards.

Here's what they have to say about why:

Media heroes are everywhere: journalists, activists, media innovators and educators making sure that we all have access to media that supports democratic values of justice, community and respect. Some media heroes are solitary voices keeping a candle of truth burning through a period of darkness. Others are organizers working to expand the range of people who can wield the power of publishing and broadcasting, or reveal hidden aspects of the media that is all around us.

The decks are $16 and feature original portraits of 21 different media heroes with biographies on the back. Who do they consider heroes? The Sesame Street pioneers, Children's Television workshop, which sought to combine education and entertainment as well as prioritizing service for lower-income kids who didn't have the leg up of preschool, for one. Also, Frederick Douglass who spoke out against slavery while writing for the newspaper, The Liberator, and PBS' Bill Moyers, who they say is "a singularly ardent advocate for journalistic ethics and the pursuit of authentic democracy."

Who are your media heroes? Would you put an Olbermann or a Nancy Grace into the mix? How about a Brokaw or a Cooper?