TresSugar

Where Do You Stand: Withholding Sex to Get What You Want

DearSugar — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 13:00:38 -0700

Let's say your man smokes cigarettes and you want him to quit. You've tried talking to him about it, but nothing changes. So you throw him an ultimatum: No sex until he quits. Of course, that proves that you mean business, but is it right to withhold sex to get what you want?

How about you? Have you ever kept your pants on until your partner agreed to something or did something for you? Has anyone ever refused to give you sex because they wanted something? Is this an innocent little ploy or unacceptably immature?

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A Do or a Don't: Withholding Sex as Punishment

DearSugar — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 15:00:00 -0800

Sex is a powerful tool. It's an act that you have the right to exercise when you see fit. When you're in a relationship, though, sex becomes a special bond that connects you with your partner. Since relationships aren't always wine and roses, it's not uncommon for people to withhold sex as a form of punishment during an argument, but doesn't that create a power struggle in an otherwise healthy relationship? What do you all think: Is withholding sex as a form of punishment a do or a don't?

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Some Doctors Object to the Pill on Moral Grounds

TresSugar — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 12:00:00 -0700

In the very first episode of Mad Men, Peggy Olson goes to the gynecologist seeking a prescription for the pill. Watching the scene, I cringed as the doctor grills Peggy about why she would want the contraceptive pills if she were not married. He says: "As a doctor we'd like to think that putting a woman in this situation isn't going to turn her into some sort of strumpet." Although he gave her the prescription, he tells Peggy he will take her off the medicine if she "abuses" it.

If you're thinking: thank goodness I don't live in the 1960s when doctors were allowed to pass judgment on our sex lives, think again! A recent USA Today story explains how doctors are using conscience clauses to object to the pill as well as to abortion. One doctor in San Antonio told the paper that the pill would not protect her patient from the "emotional trauma from multiple partners" or sexually transmitted diseases. She said: "I could not ethically give that type of medication to a single woman." Wow. This modern doctor goes even further than the one featured on Mad Men!

The Bush administration enacted an ambitious conscience clause that says that hospitals receiving federal money cannot refuse to hire nurses or doctors who morally object to abortion or even certain forms of birth control. These regulations, which could limit access to contraception for women who rely on public clinics or those who live in rural areas, have yet to be rolled back by President Obama as promised. What do you think about doctors who withhold contraception from women because of moral objections?

Do Tell: What Would You Go on a Sex Strike For?

TresSugar — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 15:00:00 -0700

In the West African country of Gabon, men are being called on to go on a sex strike if a woman does not win the country's presidential election. Male opposition leader Samuel Ntoutoume Ndzeng believes that the country needs a female leader, so he's making the pretty progressive suggestion that the country's male population should "sleep with their clothes on" if a man wins.

Refusing sex has proved to be a useful method of non-violent resistance, although it's typically women who threaten to withhold sex as a powerful tool of persuasion. Most recently, women in Kenya organized a week-long sex strike in April 2009 aimed at infighting politicians, even promising to repay prostitutes for lost wages. (One Kenyan man was not so happy with this strike, suing the organizers for causing his wife to withhold sex from him.) All this political sex withholding echoes the Greek play Lysistrata, a comedy about one woman's crusade to end the Peloponnesian War by initiating a sex strike.

Is there a cause you would withhold sex for?

Kenyan Man Sues Group For Telling His Wife: No Sex

TresSugar — Sun, 10 May 2009 02:00:00 -0700

A Kenyan man is suing activists who urged women to deny their partners sex for a week in protest against their country's political impasse.

In a move that echoed Aristophanes' Greek comedy Lysistrata, a group calling themselves the Women's Development Organization called for the boycott to get political leaders to end their rivalry and work, as the wife of Kenya's prime minister, Raila Odinga, described it, for "the common person."

James Kimondo told reporters outside a Nairobi courthouse that his wife's refusal to have sex with him caused him "anxiety and sleepless nights." (Who can I sue for a similar problem?) He continued, "I have been suffering mental anguish, stress, backaches, lack of concentration." He is seeking general damages against the Women's Development Organization.

Lysistrata, performed in Athens in 411 BC, was a play by Aristophanes about a woman's mission to end the Peloponnesian War by convincing the women of Greece that the only way their men would negotiate peace is if they stopped having sex with them.

I'm trying to imagine if such withholding would affect women as much. Is your sex drive high enough that you'd be able to be blackmailed into changing your ways in exchange for the return of sex from your significant other?
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This Week With DearSugar

DearSugar — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 04:00:00 -0800

Intimacy expert Patty Brisben joined forces with DearSugar this week to give us tips on how to avoid a sex slump this holiday season. Check out her tips here!
Do you know the early signs of pregnancy? Take this quiz and find out!
What was your favorite breakup song of '08?
Is withholding sex a do or a don't?
Steve Santagati is back telling us why taken men flirt with single girls.
Don't miss my December Must Haves!
What was your favorite form of birth control in '08?
E. Jean is back offering advice as to whether or not Knock Out should take a job just for the money. What do you think?
Don't forget to take the DearSugar survey!

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Top 10 Reasons Men Don't Want Sex: Part Two

DearSugar — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 08:00:00 -0700

I know it can be pretty frustrating and make you feel a little self-conscious when your man just isn't in the mood to get it on, but like I said yesterday, there are definitely some reasons why men don't want to have sex. Here are five more.

Disagreements with one's mate: Who wants to hug, kiss, and roll around under the covers with someone they're upset with? A man, just like a woman, may be so angry with his partner that he doesn't want to be anywhere near them. Or he may withhold sex from his partner as a form or punishment or tactic to get what he wants.
Stress: If your man is stressed about money, home, his sick grandfather, or your kids then you know what's on his mind, and unfortunately, it's not sex.
He masturbates on his own: I don't think there's anything wrong with masturbating while you're in a relationship, but when masturbation takes the place of sex with the person you're dating or married to, problems will no doubt arise.

To hear the last two reasons read more.

Fear of intimacy: Ahh, the buzz words. Well it's true, some guys have a fear of getting close and having sex with someone is the ultimate form of love and expression. You may have to have a little patience (or a lot), and wait until your guy gets to know you better so he can feel comfortable with the idea of being that connected to you.
Difficulties functioning sexually: With all the commercials out there for drugs to help with impotence, it's no secret that men are having physical problems getting aroused. Some men may also have problems orgasming too soon, or too late, or not at all.

Dear's Advice: If any of these reasons sound all too familiar to you, make sure you're openly communicating with your man (in a sensitive and understanding way, of course). In order to get through this, it's important that you're both honest about what you need and how you feel.

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"No Condom For the Heart." Does Abstinence Education Work?

CitizenSugar — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 16:00:34 -0700

No-nookie talk is breeding like rabbits! The New York Times magazine section this weekend got to at least second base with a great feature on virginity clubs at Ivy League schools. These "just-say no-way-until-marriage" groups, have religious members, but some are focused on the feminist part of withholding the goods. Janie Fredell, the co-president of the True Love Revolution, the Harvard group at the center of the piece said,

I am an unconventional feminist. . . . it takes a strong woman to be abstinent, and that's the sort of woman I want to be.

What struck me about the piece were the stats about abstinence education:

A 2004 report issued by Representative Henry Waxman, (D - CA) found 11 of 13 abstinence programs his government-reform committee examined were rife with scientific errors and false and misleading information about the risks of sexual activity.
A national survey found that those who took virginity pledges held on to their technical virginity about 18 months longer than teenagers who didn’t pledge, but they were six times more likely to engage in oral sex than virgins who hadn’t taken a pledge. They were also much less likely to use condoms during their first sexual experience or to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

And these reports are just out too:

$1.5 billion tax dollars have been spent on abstinence programs since 1982.
A new study shows that students who receive comprehensive sex education are half as likely to become teen parents as those who get none or abstinence-only sex education.

Even Grey's Anatomy actress Kate Walsh is talking abstinence, saying on CBS's Early Show on Friday that, "Abstinence only is not working. It's a $1.5 billion program over the last 10 years that has, quite frankly, failed."

Should we be saying yes to saying no? Should abstinence be taught?

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Dear Poll: Do You Hold Out Longer for Someone Special?

DearSugar — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 13:00:00 -0800

It's a popular belief that if you really like someone, you withhold sex longer than you would with someone you're just semi-interested in. As weird as it sounds, it makes sense. You don't want your crush to think you're easy and you want to make sure he keeps coming back for more. While many people follow this rule, it doesn't necessarily mean that your relationship is doomed if you give it up too soon. So ladies, since we all have different beliefs, what I want to know is do you wait as long as possible to have sex with a guy you really like, or do you just do it when it feels right, no matter how long you've been dating?

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Group Therapy: How Many Nights a Week Is "Normal" for a Newlywed?

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 03:00:00 -0700

I am a newlywed and for the first week and a half of marriage, we had sex every night. Now it is more like every other night. I am perfectly fine with it only being a couple times per week but I am wondering what you think. How much sex is normal for a married couple? I don't want to withhold from my husband but I am also not up for it every single night.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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