TresSugar

You Asked: My Boyfriend Thinks I'm Fat

DearSugar — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I entered a relationship with my current boyfriend while I was recovering from a long-term eating disorder. I never really went into detail with him, but I did tell him I was gaining weight to be healthier. I went from 80 pounds at five feet, one inch at the very beginning of our relationship to 92 pounds now. He never said anything negative about the gain - he actually said I was looking better. But earlier this week, we were in the shower together and he told me I would look better if I lost a couple of pounds.

I was incredibly hurt and could hardly speak to him for a while. I eventually explained my situation and told him that losing weight would be dangerous to my health (I gave myself a heart condition). He took what he said back and told me not to lose any weight and told me that he loves me the way I am, but I can't help but realize he's just putting aside his initial reaction to make sure I don't hurt myself. How do I handle this? - Healthy Weight Heidi

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Healthy Weight Heidi,

Let me first say that you're doing the right thing for your body by gaining the weight and living a healthier lifestyle - I don't need to tell you how much long-term damage you could do by succumbing to an eating disorder. I also commend you for being honest with your boyfriend. I know it must have been hard to open up about such a personal issue.

With that said, I think the only way to move on from your boyfriend's statement is to talk it out with someone. If you don't feel comfortable talking to him, confide in a girlfriend, your family, or a therapist. Confidence plays a huge role in eating disorders so it's important not to let him make you feel insecure - I'm sure you look amazing just the way you are!

We all say things we don't mean sometimes and I know the damage has already been done, but if you hold on to his hurtful words, it'll just make things worse. Decide if you want to forgive him, and talk about your concerns with your loved ones. An eating disorder won't go away overnight, so lean on your loved ones for support and keep well.

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Do Tell: Do You and Your Mom Share the Same Feelings About Your Bodies?

DearSugar — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Whether they’re a daily part of life or practically out of the picture, parents influence their children. And as we become adults, the markings of our influences become more clear. Recently a friend lamented to me about this very issue, cursing her mom for making her perpetually unhappy with her body. As a child, she often heard her mom express distaste at her own weight. It wasn’t long before my friend was suffering from the same worries. She's the spitting image of her mother, so in her mind, if her mom thought of herself as overweight, then my friend had to be overweight too.

It’s a difficult issue, but I don’t think my friend’s alone, especially when moms these days are making their pre-teens get waxed. So do tell: Good or bad, do you share your mom’s body issues?

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Confidence Can Help Your Immune System

DearSugar — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 07:00:00 -0700

We all know that loving yourself is good for the soul, but according to a recent article in Glamour magazine, women who like their bodies regardless of their weight felt sick 30 percent less than women who wished they weighed less. Peter Muenning who conducted this study explains that "feeling bad about yourself activates stress centers in the brain that can actually lead to disease."

This finding makes complete and perfect sense to me, but have you noticed a correlation to your health and your self-confidence? If not, hopefully the desire to stay healthy will prevent so many of us from being overly critical and self-deprecating.

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You Asked: Why Can't I Lose Weight?

DearSugar — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 07:30:42 -0800

Dear Sugar,
I am 22 years old and am a healthy girl. I don't eat junk food or sweets and I hate chocolate. I pretty much live on my greens. I'm not fat and I'm not skinny. I exercise every day and I'm generally a very active person but I just can't seem to lose weight! I don't want to lose a lot; I just want to get back into the shape I was in a few years ago. I've been on every diet possible and I've even been to the doctor about it, yet nothing has worked. I even went to the extreme of starving myself for days, and even that didn't work.

I'm completely stuck of what to do! I recently got fired from my job too, and my love life has been nonexistent for the past year and half, my sex drive is completely gone, and I'm becoming resistant to even leave the house. Please offer some advice.
- Really Trying Regina

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Dear Really Trying Regina,

Trying to take off those last few pounds can be the most frustrating task on earth, I know, but it sounds like you are doing everything you should be doing to get your desired results. Since you're going through an emotional time right now, the stress could be making it harder for the weight to come off. Also, I happen to think that overthinking weight loss has the opposite effect - it seems like when I don't put so much thought into it, it's easier for me to lose weight.

As we all know, fad diets do not work - sticking to a healthy diet and getting your heart rate up does. Avoid eating late at night and keep the drinking to a minimum. E. Jean said it best: Everything in moderation. Keep exercising, keep eating healthy, and try not to obsess too much on the number on the scale; rather pay more attention to how you feel inside. If the weather is cooperating, take walks outside with friends so your exercise won't seem like such a chore. If you're feeling depressed, use your friends and family for support as keeping your feelings bottled up inside won't make them go away. Losing weight doesn't happen over night so stay patient and keep your spirits high. Good luck.

Source

Motivation is Key

DearSugar — Tue, 22 May 2007 09:30:00 -0700

I have been receiving many e-mails from women who are having a hard time motivating themselves to take off those extra 5 pounds before bikini season, so I am here to let you all know that dedication is key when it comes to bettering yourself. The first small steps are always the hardest when creating life changes and fighting off low self-esteem so I hope these tips in this How-to Lounge will help jump start your mind, body and soul.

Click here to read more

Make a commitment to yourself. No matter if your end result is getting those skinny jeans zipped or dropping your blood pressure, you must make a pact with yourself and feel your inner desire to make a life change
Make a list and write down what you want to improve on and how you intend to make those changes. Sometimes writing down your feelings brings a new sense of clarity to cloudy emotions
Having a support system is key. While life changes will only happen if you make it happen, having support from a friend or motivation coach will help when you need a jump start
If you struggle with getting up early to hit the stairmaster, you're not alone, so a boot camp or work out class might be a better option for you. Joining a tennis team or volleyball league is another route that will not only get you outside, but will give you the drive to compete and feel relied upon
Throughout your journey, be prepared to have some slip ups, but don't lose faith. We are only human so don't let one night of overindulgence or a weekend without your running shoes make you a quitter. Pick up right where you left off and don't be too hard on yourself
Major changes will not happen overnight so be patient
Some people find success with rewards. If you fall into that category, find healthy ways to congratulate yourself for a job well done

Even the most successful and self confident people struggle with motivation from time to time. I wish there was an easy quick fix, but unfortunately making life changes takes a lot of work. Be strong and brave -- once you get started, the end result won't be too far away. Good luck!

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You Asked: My Boyfriend Thinks I'm Fat

DearSugar — Thu, 03 May 2007 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I'm 27 years old and have been dating this guy for 3 years. He's my best friend. We get along perfectly, because we compliment each other so well. He's great at helping me with everything (like guys do), and I've brought out his nurturing and honest side.

The thing is, lately he's been a little TOO honest. He's been making really hurtful comments about my weight. He says things like, "Do you really think you should be eating dessert?" Or when I go to take another spoonful of pasta he'll say "Haven't you had enough?" The other night he came home from work and I was sitting on the couch reading, and he said "I thought you were going to the gym."

I'm 5'2'' and 130lbs - not overweight, but no skinny-minnie either. Before I met him, when I was in high school, I was obsessed with how I looked. I weighed over 160lbs, got really depressed, developed an eating disorder, and dropped down to 100lbs. I had a really unhealthy lifestyle and attitude about myself. I've since gotten help and am finally happy with where I'm at right now. The thing is, he doesn't know any of this, and I fear that his comments might make me go back to my old ways of starving myself and over-exercising. I really love him and I know he loves me, so what should I do?

--Finally Happy Heather

To see DEARSUGAR's answer, read more

Dear Finally Happy Heather--

First off, let me say how happy I am that you got help for your eating disorder - those unhealthy thoughts and habits are really hard to break so you should be very proud of yourself. The support of friends, family, and a therapist is so important for your well-being and since your boyfriend is part of that group, I suggest telling him about what you went through.

In order for him to understand how his words affect you, he needs to know how self-conscious you were (and still are) about your weight and how his snide remarks are only supporting those negative feelings. I'm sure once you open up to him he will be more sensitive about what he says, even bringing you two closer as a couple.

Whether you had an eating disorder or not, nobody should be commenting negatively about your weight, especially someone who loves and cares about you. After you talk to him, if those hurtful remarks continue, you might want to re-evaluate this relationship. You deserve to be with someone who accepts you for the beautiful person you are inside and out, regardless of what the scale says. Good luck Heather.

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Some Overweight People Are Calling For a Law to Protect Them

TresSugar — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 07:00:00 -0700

Overt racism is not tolerated in most places, but fatism is flourishing in our society. Many overweight people say that the normal rules of decency and common courtesy don't seem to apply to them, and they're trying to organize a new rights movement.

In a news article yesterday, the BBC recounted the plight of an overweight train passenger who was beaten up by another commuter for taking up two seats. The aggressor yelled "you big fat pig" before she kicked the victim in the stomach. In addition to suffering verbal and physical abuse, overweight people who are speaking out say they are victims of systemic discrimination. For example, many airline companies in the US now charge larger passengers for two seats. Such a policy is considered illegal discrimination in Canada, where there is a one-person-one-fare law. The US has no such rule, nor is there a federal law forbidding employers from firing people because of their weight. (Michigan is alone in prohibiting employers from firing people for being overweight.)

Last year, a study from Yale revealed that weight discrimination is tolerated because many believe that people have control over their size. The truth is more complicated. Economics, health issues like type 2 diabetes, and genetics can affect a person's weight.

The study also revealed that overweight women are twice as vulnerable to discrimination than overweight men. If you want to find out if you have implicit biases against overweight people take this quiz developed by Harvard researchers. You might be surprised by the results.

Would you like to see a federal anti-weight discrimination law?

This or That: He Puts on Weight or You Do?

DearSugar — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 12:00:00 -0700

You and your boyfriend have been dating for over a year now, and while you both prided yourself on working out prior to your relationship, after changes at work, and a decrease in free time, life has gotten in the way of your usual routines. After months it’s finally showing. Would it be worse if . . .

This: Your boyfriend’s packed on the pounds big time? He’s eating healthier, but he’s not enthusiastic about putting in the effort to actually lose the weight.

Or . . .

That: You’ve put on some weight in your mid-section, and though your boyfriend hasn’t said anything, you know he’s noticed? The worst part is that it's definitely your problem area, and it's going to be a huge pain to lose.

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Dear Poll: Has a Guy Ever Made a Negative Comment About Your Weight?

DearSugar — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 15:00:00 -0800

Since so many of us are self-conscious about our weight and bodies, we watch what we eat and exercise regularly. We do it not only to feel good about the way we look, but also to also attract others. A negative comment can really hurt feelings and self-confidence. So I'm wondering, while in a relationship, has your boyfriend ever made a negative comment about your weight?

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Women's Common Complaint: My Man Is Letting Himself Go

DearSugar — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Many women take great pride in making themselves look good. They eat right, exercise, spend money on makeup, manicures, and highlights, and they're always up to date on the latest fashion. We want to look good for our own self-confidence, but we also do it for the men in our lives. But once we're in a relationship, I'm sure we can all admit to getting comfortable and perhaps not trying as hard. Guys are the same way, but what happens if your man takes comfort to a whole other level and completely lets himself go? Maybe he grows a beard, wear sweats all the time, doesn't shower as much, spends an insane amount of time on the couch, drinks excessively, or gains weight. He may think, "she loves me no matter what" so what's a girl to do? To hear my suggestions read more.

He should be able to be himself with you, but if it's affecting your relationship or his physical and mental health, something must change so tell him how you feel. Explain that it's upsetting that he doesn't show as much effort as he once did, and that it's difficult for you to watch him lose interest in taking care of himself. Give him specific examples so he knows exactly what you're bothered by. You don't have to be mean, but don't beat around the bush either. Be clear with what you expect, and hopefully he'll appreciate your friendly, yet stern advice. After all, he wants you to still find him attractive, right? Has this situation ever happened in one of your relationships?

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