TresSugar

You Asked: He's Taking Me Where He Took His Ex!

DearSugar — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. We broke up once or twice, but got back together each time. During the breakups, we did see other people but those relationships never lasted long. I'm planning to visit him next week and he told me that he had planned a surprise. I was dying to know what it was so I kept asking him for hints. He told me he's taking me to a place that has a great view of the ocean in San Diego, somewhere a girl that he was seeing introduced to him. I got very upset by that and told him that I wouldn't be able to enjoy it knowing that he was there with a different girl. He's upset that I've ruined the surprise and I feel bad as a result. Was I overreacting? It really makes me feel uncomfortable when past girls are brought up. I appreciate his honesty, but I wish I didn't know some of the things he tells me. Is there a happy medium? - Want it Both Ways Bianca

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Dear Want it Both Ways Bianca,

I'd be pretty upset if my boyfriend told me he was taking me someplace romantic that he's already been with another woman as well so no, I don't think you're overreacting. Though you appreciate his honesty, your boyfriend didn't use any discretion in his omission - some things are just better left unsaid. In an effort to avoid further hurt feelings, I think you should agree on a middle ground; what to disclose and what to keep to yourselves in order for you both to feel secure in this relationship.

At the end of the day, what matters is what you two have together now; not what either one of you did while you were broken up. That is something you're going to have to accept if you want this relationship to work so whenever you feel insecure, talk to him about it and get the answers you need, but try not to dwell on it - it's in the past for a reason.

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You Asked: Is Our Anniversary Ruined?

DearSugar — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My fourth wedding anniversary is coming up at the end of this month. Every year, my husband and I try to take a vacation around this holiday. The problem is I plan the trip every year but have a lot going on with work right now and the stress of planning is just too overwhelming. I conveyed this to my husband and he said he would take on the task. I was a little apprehensive at first, maybe due to my own issues with control, but I got over it and agreed. Well here is the problem; we are now two weeks away from our anniversary and he has yet to plan anything! Last night, we looked online at some places within driving distance, but truth be told, I am a little upset that he didn't make more of an effort to plan something special. I fear that now, I will have to come up with something last minute. Why is it so hard to get a man to make plans?! - Disappointed Dina

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Dear Disappointed Dina,

I don't need to tell you that men are a different breed than women, and unfortunately, many men lack the planning gene. Of course it's disappointing that your husband hasn't already booked a wonderfully romantic getaway, but could he be surprising you with something? Is he the type to fake you out, lead you to believe that he didn't plan anything, all the while having something amazing up his sleeve? If that's just wishful thinking, your anniversary trip can still be great even if it is planned last minute.

Since you're obviously frustrated, tell your husband that you're upset that he didn't put forth more of an effort. If you hold onto your anger, it could turn into resentment rather quickly, so I suggest nipping it in the bud ASAP. Once you have that off your chest, take an hour or two each night to research your options and go from there. Lately it feels like there aren't enough hours in the day for anyone, so if you have to push out your trip by a week or two, do it if it means going someplace really special. In other words, don't just settle on a destination you can drive to if you usually use this vacation time to jetset somewhere unique. If you take the last-minute route, be sure to search the Internet for deals - many times traveling last-minute pays off. Good luck and happy anniversary!

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You Asked: I Upset Her, So Now What?

DearSugar — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

It's been two weeks since my college friend, who became a co-worker, has been giving me the cold shoulder. I've asked her if anything was wrong or if I had offended her in some way but she just ignores me. I asked her to coffee, to lunch, and to go for a walk so we could talk, but she turns me down each time.
I just found out through a girl at work why she's upset: she was offended when I made a comment about her buck teeth during lunch one day. I said, "I never noticed this before but you have buck teeth! It's cute! My sisters have them, too. It's like Kate Hudson." I didn't mean to hurt her feelings; she just went on with the conversation so I didn't know that I had. I've tried to apologize several times but as it turns out, she's been talking about me behind my back. What should I do? - At a Loss Annie

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Dear At a Loss Annie,

Although I know you were just stating an observation, try to put yourself in your friend's shoes for a moment. It was an undercutting compliment and I don't blame her for having hurt feelings. With that said, since you were unaware of how upset you made her feel, I don't blame you for not apologizing sooner or smoothing things over right after the comment came out of your mouth.

We all react to uncomfortable situations differently and it sounds to me like your friend is trying to avoid confrontation at all costs. Instead of hearing you out and letting you apologize, she's trying to make you feel as badly as she does. Though talking about you behind your back isn't the most mature approach, it's clear that she's chosen the passive-aggressive route instead of facing this head on. Since she's ignoring your attempts, I'd send her an apologetic email. Tell her that if you had known that your words hurt her as much as they did, you would have made an effort to apologize sooner or try to make it up to her. Explain that you've been trying to get face time with her to work everything out and that you feel terrible for what you did. Say you're sorry however many times you need to and then wait for her to come to you. I'm sure she's more embarrassed than hurt at this point so be prepared for her to need time before forgiving your mistake.

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Dear Poll: Who Do You Turn to First?

DearSugar — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Since life isn't always wine and roses, we all need someone to turn to when the going gets tough. Sixty percent of you still turn to your mom, like me, but I'm sure a lot of you also turn to your significant other when you need comfort, support, or even just a voice of reason. Of course, our moms are irreplaceable, but when you're in a relationship that special someone can easily become your new go-to person during a time of crisis. I know it's a tough question and it depends on the circumstance, but generally speaking, who do you turn to first: your mom or your significant other?

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Dear Poll: Do You Have a Temper?

DearSugar — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Everyone gets angry, but some of us tend to snap more easily than others. Maybe it's a frustrating customer service representative or an irritating comment from a family member, but suddenly your anger flares up in a bout of bad temper. Fortunately, I don't get heated easily, but I'd be lying if I said that stress didn't bring out my temper. Are you prone to fits of fury?

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Dear Poll: Do You Tend to Overtalk?

DearSugar — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 16:00:00 -0700

Perhaps it's a female trait but there's just something in me that tends to overtalk when something is bothering me. There's no worse feeling than fighting with a loved one, especially your significant other, so when I feel like there are still things left unsaid I want to talk it out until they're resolved, even if it takes all night. Of course some people are of the sleep on it mindset, but what about you? Do you tend to overtalk until you feel better about things or is less sometimes more?

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Do Tell: How Do You Get Over Something That's Bothering You?

DearSugar — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 11:00:00 -0700

We’ll all encounter something difficult in our lives eventually, whether it involves a particularly challenging situation or person, but learning to let go of the frustration and negative energy that follows can seem nearly impossible. Though time may heal most wounds, I still think it’s important to try to work through something in the present, too.

When I want to get over something, I usually give myself a good few hours of sad time before calling a friend for a vent session. Once all the sadness and anger are out, I feel a lot better! And if not, I opt for a plate of cookies and a good movie. That's my secret for getting over something, so ladies, do tell: what's yours?

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You Asked: How Do I Explain My Love to My Parents?

DearSugar — Tue, 20 May 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for more than two years now. We met online, and then met in person about a year ago. We've since gotten together twice this Spring and had a blast the whole time. My parents totally disapprove of our relationship, because he is eight years my senior and I'm still in college. Despite all of the obvious challenges, and a period of about six months where we tried to stop talking and date other people, we've found ourselves deeper in love and more compatible. We have also learned a great deal about ourselves in that time.

Call me crazy or just lovestruck, but I really think he's the one. No one else could have stuck with me through hard times and never asked a thing in return. I don't know how to tell my parents that despite their best wishes, I intend on seeing this man until we either break up or die happily married. How can I explain to them how I feel about him?

- Crazy in Love Casey

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Dear Crazy in Love Casey,

It's very easy to disregard our parents concern and chalk up their negativity to the fact that they just can't understand us, but truth be told, part of being a parent (and an adult) means considering things from a more rational and less emotional point of view. With that said, it doesn't mean that your love isn't real, or that you should follow your parents' every wish, but it does mean that you should start looking at things from a different angle.

Just as you expect your parents to see things from your side, try viewing your relationship from theirs. Acknowledge and address all of their concerns, regardless of whether or not you see them as valid. By doing this, you're showing them you both that you respect their opinion and that you're thinking practically. Don't let your emotions get the best of you by giving into the theatrics of the moment, but keep things calm and respectful.

Finally, explain to them that while you're aware that things may not work out, you want to try to maintain a relationship with this man because you love him, and you hope that they can be supportive of you in the process. Obviously you can't control their reaction, only your own, so be prepared for anger and disappointment on their side. It sounds like they truly want what's best for you, so even if they fail to understand you, their hearts are in the right place.

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This or That: Whining or Gloating?

DearSugar — Thu, 08 May 2008 10:00:00 -0700

You and a friend have made a great duo for the past year while you’ve both been single. It’s been so nice to have someone to commiserate with over all the bad dates and giggle with after the great late nights. While you’re not opposed to finding a guy, you’re actually really happy with the way things have been lately. Unfortunately, after a night out a month ago, everything has been different with your friend. Would it be worse if…

This: She met a new guy and just won’t stop talking about how amazing he is and how perfect they are together? You’re happy for her, but now when you see her it’s more like she’s bragging then actually talking with you.

Or…

That: After getting turned down by a cute guy, she just won’t stop whining about how terrible her life is, and how she’s going to end up alone forever? You understand where she’s coming from, but her constant pity party is getting old and starting to bring you down too.

Which would be worse?

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Do Tell: Do You Get Upset Over True Accidents?

DearSugar — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Accidents happen, there's no real way to prevent them, but sometimes even though you know something was a mishap, you're still upset and angry. For example, if a friend were to spill red wine on your brand new sofa, of course you'd be flustered, maybe even irate, but what can you do - it was an accident! I've gotten better at accepting the unintentional, but sometimes it's easier said than done. So ladies, tell me, do you tend to get upset over true accidents?

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