TresSugar

Relationship Protocol: Sexual Dry Spells

DearSugar — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 08:00:00 -0700

All relationships have their ups and downs as personal needs and the demands of life fluctuate, but typically we think of these low points as emotional challenges rather than sexual disappointments. However, like all other aspects of a relationship, sex requires work and development, so it’s not surprising when couples encounter difficulties in the bedroom. Though I’m sure there are some of us still satisfying our voracious sexual appetites, I think many people have encountered a sexual dry spell in their relationship before. Have you? And if so, how did you and your boyfriend get out of it?

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You Asked: Does My Boyfriend Love His Porn More Than Me?

DearSugar — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I came home from work about a year ago to find porn left open on my computer. I was a little shocked but I wasn't upset at the time. I called him out and joked about it, hoping he wouldn't feel too embarrassed and I suggested we watch it together and asked him if he would show me the porn he likes. I've watched porn with all my other boyfriends before except this one.

The part where I start getting upset is when (about a year ago) we start having sex only once a week, and he seems to be totally fine with this. I'm sorry but I need more sex than that and I can sense my ego shrinking, and ideas about my sexuality growing more insecure because I feel I don't have the power to turn him on. I'm scared to even try to turn him on for fear he'll reject me. This obviously does not help our situation. We've talked about it many times. At first I tried being really sensitive as I know it's a delicate issue for men. But nothing's changed and now I'm just getting kinda pissed and probably a little insensitive.

Recently, I told him that I felt threatened by the porn and as an experiment, would he not watch for a while. All of a sudden our sex life is awesome again and I feel great. This has been happening for 2 weeks and I know, (I have my ways) that he watched porn last night. And this morning I'm just kinda pissed, mostly that he said he would not, and that he tried to keep it a secret.

What should I do? Is it fair for me to ask him not to watch porn in secret? Do you think that this could be good for him or too oppressive and have other side effects?

--Totally Confused About How I Feel

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Totally Confused About How I Feel--

I don't think you're confused at all. You are in a relationship and you want to be having sex more than you are. That's a MORE than reasonable request considering he's the only guy you get to do it with. It's great that you are trying to share and participate in his fantasy and suggested watching it together -- that's definitely the first step. If he's into that, and it helps your sex life, I say go for it! On the other hand, it sounds like he may be too embarrassed or just wants to watch it alone (which is why he is keeping it a secret).

While his porn attraction is frustrating for you, asking him to flat out stop looking at it altogether will only make him do it secretly even more and even force him to start resenting you. I do however think it is fair for you to talk to him about it and set some boundaries. Explain how upset this is making you, that your feelings are hurt, that you feel unsexy, unwanted, unsatisfied and unloved. Relationships are all about compromise, so once you both communicate your wants, I'm sure you can figure out a way to make you both happy sexually. Although you feel as though your sex life was awesome ever since he stopped watching, do you know if it's satisfying for him? This might come as a shock to you, but not all guys want to have sex all the time. If the problem continues, you are never going to be happy at that point and I'd find yourself a man who shares your hunger for personal intimacy.

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You Asked: He's Not Pleasing Me in Bed

DearSugar — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I are both 20, and we have been dating for almost two years. We're a very sexual couple and have sex at least three times a week, however I'm not so sure it's because he's attracted to me or because he just needs the sex. He watches porn every other day and masturbates daily. When we have sex, I usually pleasure him orally first and then we have sex because he says he won't go as fast that way. But a lot of the time after I go down on him, he won't be able to get an erection again so I end up on top doing all the work.

I just can't help but feel that he isn't attracted to me sexually, but just wants the sex from any girl. It's very frustrating both emotionally and physically. We're in love and have a very good relationship, but I just wish he wanted to please me (instead of just himself). What do I do to bring it to his attention without making him feel insecure about his sexual abilities? His lack of interest in pleasing me is making me feel unattractive and unwanted. Please help!

- All Give and No Get Gracie

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more.

Dear All Give and No Get Gracie,

It doesn't sound like either one of you are communicating when it comes to your sexual needs and concerns. First of all, from a physical stand point, it doesn't make sense that your boyfriend wants to experience oral sex immediately preceding vaginal intercourse; men take a substantial amount of time before they can maintain a full erection after an orgasm. Though it can be as short as thirty minutes, it's still not immediate, meaning that engaging in sexual activity with you isn't going to be nearly as pleasurable as it would be if you waited for his body to fully recover.

However, your boyfriend has mentioned that he's worried about lasting long enough, so I have to wonder if he's paranoid about premature ejaculation and so avoids the possibility completely. Again, this is something that you can only learn by opening up to him and asking him to open up to you. Explain to your boyfriend exactly what you told me. Let him know that you want to learn more ways to please him during intercourse, and you want him to be more involved with your sexual satisfaction as well.

It's important to remember that your sexual needs are incredibly important. As with all other parts of a relationship, sex requires talking, so the only way to get what you want is to tell him! And don't forget to ask him what he wants, too. Good luck.

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Many Couples Are Incompatible Sexually

DearSugar — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 08:00:00 -0800

Living with a sexually unfulfilled relationship isn't just for couples who've been married for 30 years, according to a recent article on CNN.com - even new couples and those recently married are experiencing a boring or nonexistent sex life. So why is that?

There are actually several reasons why. One is that we are so marriage crazed that while dating, we tend to overlook warning signs of incompatibility. We also think that great sex will come later, when you love the person more. Also, some women tend to think that passion will inevitably fade away after time, so they look for someone who would make a good father or a handy and responsible husband over a passionate partner. They ignore their own desires and choose an okay lover, thinking that it's impossible to find someone who can fulfill them in every way.

If you're in a relationship, and everything is great, except for the sex, then read more.

If your sex life is so-so, now is the time to do something about it. Talk to your partner about how you're feeling. Together, try to figure out ways you can spice things up in the bedroom. You can also try exciting things outside of the bedroom, like skydiving or horseback riding - doing things that get your heart pumping will trigger the brain's dopamine centers and could increase desire. You may also think about seeing a sex therapist to suggest ways to rekindle the fire.

Unfortunately the numbers don't lie - therapists estimate that one out of every five couples has sex less than 10 times a year. Could you live with a relationship like that? Tell me in the comment section below.

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Beware of Butt Implants!

GiggleSugar — Sun, 02 Dec 2007 01:00:00 -0800

She paid over five grand for a spankin' new booty, but got a pain in the ass instead. Gravity got a hold of her new implants, took them to Sagsville, and if that's not enough, the news anchor reporting the story couldn't keep a straight face on the air. Life sure is rough when you're not J Lo.

You Asked: My Boyfriend Is Inexperienced

DearSugar — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half now. He had never been with a girl before me, and as a result of his lack of experience, he's never given me an orgasm. Since he's inexperienced, I don't think he realizes just how much effort it takes to help a woman climax. After a year of never saying anything, I think he assumes it's OK with me. Unfortunately, it really does matter to me.

Lately I'm feeling resentful that he orgasms every time we're together and I never have. He only spends a few minutes on me and doesn't realize how unsatisfied that leaves me. I don't want to bring it up because I feel like it's too much to ask from him to spend twice as long making me feel good (even though I do it for him all the time). I guess I want him to want me to orgasm, not just because I asked for it. Otherwise I feel like I'm making an unreasonable demand.

At the same time, I know that I'm being childish and immature by remaining silent about what's really bothering me and then blaming him for not doing anything about it. So how do I talk to him about this without hurting him, and how do I get over my own issues with asking?

- Sexual Dissatisfied Diana

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Sexually Dissatisfied Diana,

As much as we may want a significant other to want something without us having to ask for it, in the end, you're only going to be left unsatisfied and resentful, as you well know. Diana, you need to decide if you want to be sexually fulfilled or not, and if you do, it's time to speak up. I would bet that your boyfriend has absolutely no idea that he's not meeting your needs and once he's able to, the thrill alone of making you feel that good will have him raring to try it again!

So don't feel bad by asking him to try something different or do something new - this is something that you need and it's something your relationship is suffering without. Tell him gently that while you feel great with what he's been doing, you really want to be able to climax. Ask if you can show him what you like or use your own hand to guide him. This is going to take time, but in the end, your efforts will be well worth it. Otherwise, your silence and dissatisfaction will permanently damage your relationship.

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Does America Need More Political Parties?

LibertySugar — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 07:00:32 -0700

When Gallup asked the public in 2003 whether America needed a third party, a majority opposed the idea. But asked again in 2007, the majority of both Democrats and Republicans, seemingly unsatisfied with the two-party system, welcomed more parties.

Well again this year, Americans have changed their minds. A majority of Democrats, 56 percent, and Republicans, 55 percent, think the two major parties are doing an adequate job and thus there is no need for another party to compete with them. Even though liberals support third parties the most at 51 percent, fewer liberals support third parties since the survey began five years ago. As for Independents, 63 percent want more parties . . . maybe the rest like being unrepresented?

The two-party system can add to adversarial undertones in the US - if you're a Democrat or Republican, every leader is either for or against you. In fact, every affiliated person you meet is either on your team or the enemy. Perhaps multiple parties would simply lead to a more harmonious society. And of course, those with views that do not match those of the major parties would welcome competition, too.

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You Asked: He Won't Have Sex With Me

DearSugar — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years in October. He is 31 and I am 23. We have two children together, a three year old and a nine month old. Since I became pregnant with our youngest, things have been lacking in the bedroom. We had sex five times between April 2007 and April 2008 and since then, we've only had sex once, and that was in July. I'm so confused and unbelievably hurt. Just thinking about it makes me sob; I can't help but feel like it's my fault that he never wants to touch me anymore. I've tried talking with him and telling him how it makes me feel, but nothing changes. We live together, and he is currently unemployed, so I know he isn't cheating. I go to bed every night with the hopes that something is going to be different and it never is. It's now spilling over into everyday life. Is there any hope? What is wrong with him?

- Sexually Frustrated Sybil

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Sexually Frustrated Sybil,

Being sexually satisfied is an extremely important part of a relationship, and if your needs aren't being met that's a big problem that needs to be dealt with. You mention that you've tried talking with your boyfriend, but until this is resolved, you're going to have to keep talking to him. First of all, it's important to realize that people go through different phases in the bedroom, and just because you guys have come upon a dry spell doesn't mean you can't work this out. Next time you talk to him, instead of focusing on what you're doing wrong or what's wrong with your relationship, try asking him how he's feeling. You mention he's unemployed right now; maybe he's feeling depressed. Or maybe he's just lost interest. Whatever it is, you won't know until he verbalizes it to you.

Once you have a specific problem, you can actually start working towards a solution. And when you do, be clear on your needs. Don't just tell him you'd like to feel more wanted; be specific. Do you want him to be willing to have sex if you initiate it? Or do you need him to do the initiating? One you're clear on your needs, listen to his and see where there's room for compromise.

Of course, compromising is incredibly challenging, so consider reaching out to a couple's therapist for advice. Being in a relationship where you feel unsatisfied and unloved is no way to live, and I'm sure your boyfriend feels that way too, but currently he's just unable to communicate that on his own. The more you work to get this topic out there, the more comfortable opening up about it will become.

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The How-To Lounge: Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

DearSugar — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 14:00:00 -0700

There’s nothing like comparing yourself to someone else to completely illuminate your insecurities. Whether you’re knocking their choice of boots or feeling particularly envious of them - most of us admit to the up-down glance - by sizing them up against yourself, you’re only serving to further your own worries and self-doubt. So check out my tips on how to free yourself from this possibly detrimental habit and read more.

Ditch the competitive streak for a while. Although the desire to be better than someone else can be extremely motivating, it can also put you in the position of feeling unsatisfied with yourself no matter what you achieve. In a world filled with 6 billion people, you'll always be able to find someone "better" than you so try to keep things relative.
Instead of focusing on everyone else, turn all that attention to yourself. Consider your own accomplishments and pat yourself on the back. Running for 20 minutes might mean nothing to the girl on the treadmill next to you, but that doesn't mean that it's not impressive in your book.
Jealousy is a lot easier than change. Turn your envy into emulation. While it might be second nature to compare yourself to someone else, learn from them instead.

It's so much easier to stay positive when you don't feel that irrational need to measure yourself against someone else, so do your best to fight the urge!

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Sex Therapy: What to Expect

DearSugar — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 07:00:00 -0700

For whatever reason, your sex life isn't doing it for you. Maybe it started out amazing, but it's lost its pizazz. Maybe you're upset because you used to do it several times a day and now you're lucky to get to it once a month. Maybe you want to deepen your intimacy level, but you're not sure how. Whatever the reason, sex therapy can help.

If you've contemplated making an appointment, but are nervous about what may happen, here's a little bit of what you can expect.

When you and your partner begin to see a therapist, they'll probably want to see you for 50-60 minute sessions, once every week. This consistency will help to develop a closer relationship with your therapist.
The therapist wants to help you, but in order to do that she will have to ask you a lot of questions, many of which will be personal and/or embarrassing. Nonetheless, it's important that you and your partner are both open and honest so the therapist can get to know you and your situation.

What else can you expect? To find out read more.

The therapist should strive to offer a sensitive and safe environment for you to talk about your feelings and experiences. She should not push you to talk about issues you aren't ready or willing to discuss.
There may be homework involved. The therapist may make suggestions of things to try out with your partner, some of which may focus more on intimacy rather than intercourse or reaching orgasm. She'll probably ask you to discuss your feelings about what you experienced in the next session.
The sex therapist may serve as a sex educator, offering you info or materials to read so you can learn more about sexuality or sexual issues.
The therapist will also help you deal with other stresses in your life that may be contributing to your unsatisfying sex life.
If you are concerned about a physical problem that may be preventing you from sexual satisfaction, the therapist may recommend you see your doctor and get some tests or an examination.
The therapist wants to help you get more comfortable with talking about sex, so they'll do a lot of listening. They will also teach you ways to communicate your sexual feelings and needs to your partner.

If any of you have seen a sex therapist before, please share your experiences in the comment section below.

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