TresSugar

Group Therapy: I'm Single and Not Loving It

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 10:00:00 -0800

I think I'll get the hard part over with first: I've never dated, I've never had a boyfriend, and I've never been kissed. What's worse? I'm 21. Most of my friends have absolutely no problem finding guys; my best friend is practically married!

No matter where I am, people feel the need to tell me their awkward sex stories and I'm tired of having to lie through my teeth in order to save face. There are guys who are interested in me, but unfortunately I'm just not interested in them. Some people have suggested dating them to "get one under my belt," but if I feel nothing, isn't that unfair to them? I wouldn't want a guy stringing me along if he wasn't interested.

Is anyone else in my predicament? Any tips to get out of this rut?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

Source

How to Help a Friend With Depression

DearSugar — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 11:00:00 -0700

Being depressed or upset about breaking up with your boyfriend or getting in a fight with your best friend is a totally normal response. We all feel sad sometimes, or have short periods of time when we're in a funk, but being clinically depressed is completely different.

This serious medical condition can make a person feel upset for no reason, or it can be triggered by an event, such as losing a loved one. What's different is the person doesn't just "get over it." They continue to feel down, and can even have physical symptoms such as lack of appetite, fatigue, and headaches.

What can you do if a close friend of yours is battling depression? Here are some ideas:

Learn all you can about depression. Research online, read books, or talk to professionals about it. Knowing the facts will make you feel more comfortable and able to offer them help.
Encourage your friend to see a psychiatrist and look into medication if necessary. If they are already seeing one, encourage your friend to keep their regular appointments.
Find out if there is a support group in your area for people with depression. Suggest it to your friend, and offer to go with them.
Call your sad friend often, visit them, exercise together, and make plans to go out. Keep up a relationship with them so they don't feel alone. Having something to be happy about, and to look forward to always helps.

There are other ways you can help. To find out how read more

Don't skirt around the issue. It may help your friend tremendously if they feel like they can talk to you about how they are feeling, and to know that you are really listening, and that you care.
They may find household chores and errands to be too overwhelming, so offer to help with them or anything else.
If you are worried that your friend might hurt herself or himself, try not to let them be alone. Contact their family or the police and communicate your concerns. You can also call a 24-hour suicide hotline such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to get help or important info.

Consoling and supporting a friend in need is an awesome thing, but it can be overwhelming for you so make sure to take care of yourself as well. Get mutual friends or family members to help out so you're not carrying all the weight on your own. Realize that it's not your "job" to cure them, and that being a friend is the best help you can offer.

Source

You Asked: Why am I So Tired?

DearSugar — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--
I'm beginning to notice that I'm feeling tired all the time. I can never be bothered doing anything. Do I need to eat less or more? Exercise more regularly? I'm not nodding off to sleep like Sleeping Beauty, but I just feel, lazy and lethargic. Thanks for your help! -- Lifeless Leslie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Lifeless Leslie--

There could be a multitude of reasons why you are feeling lethargic and tired all the time. One main thing that comes to mind is that you are missing something in your diet. You could be deficient in Iron -- one symptom of anemia is weakness and feeling lightheaded. Are you dieting? Eating enough protein? If you aren't giving your body enough fuel to do its job, it's not surprising that you feel so drained of energy.

Are you getting enough sleep at night? If you drink alcohol regularly, you might not be getting as good of a night's sleep as you thought. Alcohol is a major culprit of disrupting sleeping patterns so try to cut it out of your diet for a week and see if that helps. Exercise does rejuvenate you, it gets your blood pumping, so if you're feeling tired, try going for a walk or hitting the gym and see if you get a burst of energy. Are you emotionally struggling right now? Feeling blue can effect your energy level too and make you not want to do much of anything, so talk to a friend, a family member, even a therapist if you have a lot on your mind.

Since I don't know your daily routine or what your eating habits are, it's hard to put my finger on what's causing your exhaustion, so I advise you to see your doctor asap, just to be safe. Good luck!

Source

Women's Common Complaint: I'm Too Tired to Do It

DearSugar — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0800

Having sex is a great way to relieve stress and express your love for someone. The problem is, sometimes we can feel too tired at night for an hour-long romp in the sheets. We get up early, work eight or more hours a day, run errands, make dinner, do the dishes, and by the end of it all, we're exhausted. We've got sleep on the mind, not sex.

Here are some tips that may help:

Don't get hung up on both of you having orgasms. Remember that sex is about intimacy and closeness. So spend some time making out and loving each other, and don't worry about necessarily having sex.
If you do want to have sex, get into bed earlier. That way you'll have enough energy to make love and you'll be finished just in time for bedtime.
Exercise during the day. It improves your stamina and also gives you energy for fun things at the end of your day.

Want to see the rest? Then read more

Have sex in the morning, during the day, or right after work. Who says you have wait until the evening to get it on?
Take turns pleasing each other. Since it can take women a lot longer to orgasm, alternate who gets to climax. Maybe tonight you focus on getting your man to have an orgasm, and the next time, it's all about you. Then when it's your turn, you'll get to relax and just enjoy the sensations without having to do a thing.
If you do like to have sex before you hit the hay, make sure you eat dinner at least two hours before, and make it a light meal. If you stuff yourself late and then go to bed, you'll feel sluggish and not at all in the mood for love.
Take a shower before you crawl into bed. It'll wake you up and make you feel clean, sexy, and in the mood.

Source

WTF?!

GiggleSugar — Wed, 07 May 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Ahh, 1970. It was a very ~~Goodyear~~ bad year for women and being taken seriously. This Goodyear ad for polyglas tires, which is set up like a horror film complete with a menacing soundtrack, claims that "when a woman's at the wheel, polyglas means more than mileage." Alert the press! Woman on the road! Hide your children! The earth may spin off its axis! (No wonder the '70s was a huge decade for the women's movement.)

Thanks, Feministing!

Ask a Woman Unwilling to Settle: My Boyfriend Calls Me Names

TresSugar — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

This week, a woman unwilling to settle shares her wisdom with a distraught woman who's sick of her boyfriend calling her cruel names. October is domestic violence awareness month. Remember, just because he's not punching you in the face doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Verbal abuse is still abuse.

This week's question:

"Every time my boyfriend gets angry, I get called names. 'Bitch' is the most often one thrown at me. I have told him so many times that it hurts me but he says it's only words. Sometimes he doesn't even apologize. Yesterday, he told me a story about his friend. I told him that I had a headache. He started shouting and telling me that I just wasn't interested, that I was rude. I wanted him to shut up. He called me a bitch again! He always tells me that he would never call me anything if I didn't make him by behaving like an idiot. Once he called me pathetic. I told him I didn't like that and he said at least he didn't call me a bitch. I'm sick and tired of explaining how wrong he is. He thinks he knows better. Please help!"

Signed,

In Pain

To hear what a woman unwilling to settle thinks about this situation, read more

Dear In Pain:

GET OUT. DUMP HIM. MOVE ON. LET GO. LEAVE. DROP HIM!

The simple truth is that your boyfriend does not respect you and he certainly doesn’t value you, your feelings, or your relationship. He is literally shouting this at you. And it’s time for you to hear him, loud and clear.

I realize it’s easy to become confused in matters of the heart. But at the core of any meaningful, loving, long-lasting relationship is always going to be respect. (Trust Aretha to say it like it is!) Without that, you’ve got nothing. And that is exactly what you’ve got right now-nothing.

Your boyfriend doesn’t have the maturity, self-awareness, or emotional development to be the man you want or to offer you the relationship you deserve. (Or at least I presume you expect something more, since you’ve taken the time to write in!)

You are only fooling yourself if you think this guy is going to change. And while you continue to endure his demeaning comments and cruel behavior, you could be out there enjoying the world, meeting new people, and building a life and relationships to be proud of. What are you waiting for?

Take that next step! Show yourself a little respect and leave him and his drama behind you. And while you’re at it, ask yourself one very simple question: why are you in this situation to begin with? If you take the time to sort out your head now, you’ll spare yourself the heartache and disappointment of repeating the same pattern in the future. And at that point you'll be free to meet someone worthy of your time and your heart. Stop being so afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness and make the change now!

Source

Cute Alert: Baby Hears the Call of "All the Single Ladies"

TresSugar — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 13:30:00 -0700

It's official. Beyonce's "All the Single Ladies" is so catchy that even a baby can't resist it. I know some people say they're tired of this song, but this video may revive your interest!

Ask an Intern: I'm Jealous of My Boyfriend's Female Friend!

TresSugar — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 08:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, our fabulous new intern dispenses advice to a woman who is beginning to wonder if her boyfriend's female friend is "just a friend." If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I've been dating this wonderful guy for two years now. Lately, though, I've gotten really insecure about myself and the relationship.

During the last six months, there's been a girl that he has started hanging out with more frequently. They go to school together and often have breakfast or go to sporting events. (I see him about twice a week.) I feel like I should relax and let him have his female friends, but I can't get over the fact that they might not just be friends. (He told me once he didn't think men and women could be platonic friends.) I get this awful sick feeling every time he mentions her name, I don't know if its jealousy or insecurity, but I just feel bad!

I tried talking to him about it a few months ago, and all he said was that I'm the one for him and he can't help it if his friends are hot. (That didn't help me feel much better!) I know we are in an adult relationship and he is allowed to choose his friends, so how can I change the way I think and feel so that I'm OK with it? Help!

Insecure and Hating It. To hear what an intern has to say about this, read more

Dear Insecure and Hating It,

I often shy away from confronting people with my insecurities and worries, but I have come to realize that if I am having a dilemma then it’s best to just talk about it. Have you asked your boyfriend if he is romantically interested in this other woman? If not, then you should. It’s a legitimate question and don’t be afraid to ask him what their relationship is and how he feels about her. It’s good to talk about things and get them in the open.

If you’re not ready to talk, maybe ask him if you can join them on their outings and then use the power of observation to see what their relationship is like. But remember, it’s good to be direct. I’m personally tired of playing games and while the natural inclination may be to find yourself a new cute guy friend to stir jealousy, I doubt that will work. Good luck!

You Asked: I'm Tired of Being His Maid

DearSugar — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years and living together for the past two. From what he has told me, he grew up in a house that was a disaster, which became a way of life for him. There were dishes and clothes everywhere and dirt all over the house - nobody cared to clean and he grew comfortable with that.

I, on the other hand, come from a family of neat freaks. I grew up vacuuming and dusting nearly every single day. My mom was very strict about how we kept our bedrooms and as a young adult, I adopted some habits of my mother's compulsive cleanliness. I'm by no means as harsh as she was but I like the common areas of our apartment to be clean. I like when trash goes in the trash can, paperwork is on the table (not the floor), and food isn't spread all over the countertops.

My boyfriend and I have had numerous, calm discussions about keeping things clean and he's agreed to help, but that hasn't happened. I find myself frustrated to the point where I end up throwing a fit about his disgusting living habits. I am at the point where I'm about to move out. I'm tired of acting like a slave and feeling unappreciated for keeping things tidy. What should I do? I still want to live with him because I love him, but I'm tired of being the maid!

- Clean and Tidy Cate

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Clean and Tidy Cate,

Cleanliness is a huge factor when it comes to being able to live with someone harmoniously, especially if that someone is your significant other. Obviously you've tried discussing this with your boyfriend to no avail but before you pack your bags, try bringing it to his attention again, this time with a clear set of instructions.

Write out a list of the things that need to be done every day and then another list for things that need to be done each week. Be fair - you may have to make some sacrifices, too, so only list the things that really matter to you. Sit down with your boyfriend and break the list in half, working together to divvy up the chores. Get in the habit of cleaning together to make sure things are completed. It seems juvenile, but I do think that cleaning can be learned over time.

When you do sit down and talk to him, don't be afraid to tell him that you're at your wits end. He may need to really hear that you're planning on moving out if things don't change. Likewise, keep in mind that he was raised in a completely different lifestyle than you - he might not even know how to clean! - and just as you're stuck in your ways, he is too. Be patient with each other and be ready to compromise.

Source

So tired... and depressed?

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 14:25:21 -0800

I think I'm depressed. In fact, I think I've been depressed for the past 1.5 to 2 years, I'm not quite sure when this could have started. Ugh, it's going to be so hard to get this straight, I'm so confused.

Why do I think I might be depressed? Because every day, every day for so long now, I've been feeling so sad, so depressed, so down, so useless and hopeless. It's hard to describe. I can't sleep properly, either, I tend to stay awake until about 3.00 AM and then I WAKE UP at about 5-6 AM, and can't sleep anymore.

I feel completely hopeless, I cry at night alone in my bed almost every night, wishing I could just fall asleep and not wake up in the morning, somehow mysteriously die in my sleep so I could just get it all over with. Every time I wake up to a new day I start crying again, because I don't want to face reality, I don't want to face another 12 hours of staying awake before going to bed and lying there for hours trying to sleep.

My problem is, that... well, no-one, and I mean NO-ONE knows about this other than myself. I haven't been able to tell anyone, I CAN'T let anyone know that everything isn't OK after all. Every time someone's around, I act like the happy, hyper girl that everyone knows me as, every day I fake smiles and laughs when inside I'm just crying. At school, everywhere.

It's so hard to convince myself after school when I go to the train station to take the train home, that I shouldn't jump in front of a passing train, because it's something I just want to do, and I would if it wouldn't hurt people around me. That's also the reason I can't tell anyone, because I don't want to worry anyone, I don't want them to be sad or have to deal with my problems when I'm sure they all have their own problems to handle.

I'm scared, I really am. I'm scared of myself, too, I'm scared that one day I'll go too far, one day I'll cut too deep, use water too hot or blind myself completely (these are all related to my personal ways of punishing myself for being such a failure).

Over the time I've been feeling so crappy, I've torn myself to pieces mentally, broken down completely... I feel like I'm falling and falling, keep falling lower and that soon I'll just hit the bottom and then I won't be able to get up again, it'll be too late. I go through the most incredible self-hatred and self-loathing, I don't even know why or where this all started. All I know is, I'm so, so sick and tired of feeling so depressed and oppressed every day, it's getting really hard to deal with alone.

Other things that are worrying me, are my weight - I've lost 18 pounds in one month because I've had no appetite whatsoever, and my grades - they're all dropping, because I just can't bring myself to do anything for school, I can't bring myself to do any homework, start any projects, anything, and I get yelled at every day by teachers for being a lazy teen.

Other than feeling utterly depressed and guilty and like a failure as a human being, I'm also completely burned out, tired, all broken down. I'm so tired I can't do anything without pushing myself real hard, all I want to do is curl up and die or at least fall asleep, but I can't. Every little piece of work seems like the impossible to me, and it really bugs me, it makes me hate myself even more for not being able to do simple things like homework or empty the goddamn dishwasher when my mother asks me to.

I once did say to my mother, after gathering ALL of my courage, that "I think i might be depressed, mom". Her response: "No you're not, you're just going through puberty, you're a teen, now go clean your room." That hurt, real bad, and at that point I decided that alright, if no-one really is interested, if everyone says I'm just being an angsty teen, then alright, I'll just continue fighting alone. And so I did, until I've come to this point where I feel I'm so torn apart that I can't do this anymore.

By the way, I'm only fifteen years old. For comparison about the weight issue, I'm 5 foot 10 and now weigh 110 pounds.

Could someone please tell me, is this really just a phase I'm going through, is every teen suffering like this? It feels so hard to believe this is completely normal. Any advice would be appreciated, thank you very much.

P.S: I've been trying to go and talk to my school's psychologist for about 4 months now, but every time I decide in the morning "TODAY I will do it" I fail, I chicken out and never go. I'm too scared to talk to anyone, even opening up here on the internet today was a gigantic step.