TresSugar

Handle This: His Friend Is Draining Your Relationship

DearSugar — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 09:00:00 -0800

If you were put in a situation like this, how would you handle it?

Your live-in boyfriend's best friend just called off his engagement and is crushed. In an attempt to lift his friend's spirits, your boyfriend has been inviting him over a lot in addition to them hitting the town together. He has become a good friend of yours as well so you don't mind his company every once in a while, but having a third wheel around all the time is starting to affect your relationship - you can't remember the last time you had a night alone together.

You're glad his friend has the support of your boyfriend, but you're missing the intimacy of your relationship. You don't want to sound like a needy girlfriend, especially since his friend really needs the support right now, so how would you handle this?

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You Asked: I Don't Want My Best Friends to Date

DearSugar — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My two best friends (guy and a girl) like each other, but I have really strong feelings against them being together. First off, my girl friend is a man eater. She dates a guy for a week and then when things get semi serious, she dumps him. If she does that to my guy friend, he will be crushed and I don't want to see him hurt. Secondly, I have a feeling that if they do start dating, I will be the third wheel and it could become awkward for me to hang out with them together, especially since she makes a habit of ditching me for her boyfriends.

I told him how I feel but he freaked out on me and told me stay out of it. I don't know how to tell her not to hurt him or how to stop anything tragic from happening. Am I overreacting? I'm just worried about what the outcome could be. - Third Wheel Wendy

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Third Wheel Wendy,

It sounds to me like your hesitation is purely based on your needs. Sure, it's normal to fear being left out, but what if they have something really special here? These two people are your closest friends, so don't you want them to be happy, even if it means you're in an awkward position for a while? Regardless of your answer to those questions, I think it'd be best if you didn't get involved. Since they are close as friends, I'm sure he's well aware of her dating pattern, so if he's willing to take a chance and put his friendship and heart on the line, I don't think you should stand in their way.

Nothing has happened yet, so try to just sit back and let things fall into place as they will. If they do end up dating, the dynamic between you three will change, but that's not to say it will change for the worse. You never know what the outcome will be, so try to be patient with them, let them enjoy their blossoming relationship (if that is in fact the case), but voice your concerns if you're feeling neglected. Hopefully they'll be understanding of your position and you can all work toward developing a new kind of friendship. Good luck.

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Awkward! Roommates Hooking Up

TresSugar — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Here's a story that will convince you that living on your own is worth higher rent. A friend of mine in her second year of graduate school decided to move in with two fellow students. After a month of a really fun house-dynamic, the two other roommates started sleeping together. They had been only friends before, but the close quarters apparently made them discover a mutual attraction. Now my friend feels like she's living with a couple instead of two friends and she's worried about a potentially dramatic situation if things go sour between the pair. What would you do if you suddenly wound up being the third wheel in your own place?

Group Therapy: Being the Third Wheel

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 03:00:00 -0700

In the blink of eye, all five of my close coed friends have started seriously seeing someone, become engaged, or are thinking about getting pregnant. However, I'm the only one in our group completely single. Just recently, we all got together to celebrate my 25th birthday. As we were all hanging out and taking, my friends started mentioning all these things that they had done together as a group with their significant others, including a dinner, concert, and even a minivacation. I couldn't help but find this completely uncomfortable.

I can only assume that I wasn't included in these activities because I'm single and thus don't round out the numbers correctly. I don't mind being single as much as I mind being ditched. How can I handle this?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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5 Things to Be Grateful For When You're in a Relationship

DearSugar — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 07:30:00 -0800

Yesterday I gave you five things to be thankful for if you're single this Thanksgiving, but there are plenty of things to be thankful for if you're in a relationship too. If you need a reminder, check out my list below:

You always have a “wingman” at family gatherings.
You have someone to share your second piece of pecan pie with.
You have someone to recap the night with.
You have two families to celebrate the holiday with.
You don't have to feel like the third wheel when you're with your coupled-up relatives.

What about being in a relationship are you thankful for this year?

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Living With My Lazy Cousin - What Price Is Right?

DearSugar — Sat, 07 Oct 2006 13:20:58 -0700

Dear Sugar
I am curious; how do people split the rent in a fair way when they rent out a room? I have a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment that I am renting out to my cousin. Myself, my husband and my child stay in one room, and my cousin stays in the other.

We each use our own bathrooms and he has free roam of the house and everything in it. He never pitches in to clean up household messes or take out the trash and he never offers to buy communal items for the house such as: cleaning supplies, or trash bags. He constantly uses my laundry soap and things of the like.

Recently, he has asked me to stop writing bills out for him and he just wants to know what his portion of utilities and rent are so that he can write his own checks. When we moved in together, we agreed that he would put down one third of the security deposit and pay one third of utilities. We never formalized what his portion of the rent would be.

Ever since, he's been paying one third of the rent. I don't mind one third of utilities but isn't it kind of unfair that he is taking up half my house and only paying for one third of it? He doesn't clean up after himself and I am starting to feel like I am supporting him. His contribution certainly makes life easier for my husband and baby and I, but am I being taken advantage of? How do other people spilt it up? What is the proper way to handle this? I feel lost. Landlord Lana

To see DEARUSGAR's answer read more

Dear Landlord Lana
Your cousin is definitely getting the better deal on the apartment since he's only paying one third, but he's also just one person and you guys are three people living in the same space.

Maybe you feel that you guys are getting the short end of the stick because you are the one paying more, but at the same time he's living in a house under the same roof as a couple and a child. He really is the "third wheel" and I am sure this isn't the ideal living situation for him.

That is why splitting things 50/50 isn't fair to him either. But as far as any expenses to the house that are communal, you should just tack them onto his utilities bill. Chances are that if you tried to rent out his room to a stranger, you wouldn't have too many takers who would be wiling to pay half of the rent and utilities etc..when they are one person living with a family of three.

It seems pretty clear that you made an agreement when he moved in, that he would be paying one third of the rent and utilities. It's not wrong for him to assume that this was his end of the bargain.

But if you feel that is unfair now that you have lived with him for a while and have noticed that he never pitches in for any of the housework or pays for any extra household items, then it's easy enough to sit him down and have a talk with him and let him know that he also owes you one third of household item expenses in addition to utilities. Also, he should absolutely be responsible for picking up after himself. That problem can be solved by creating a household chores chart.

The correct answer is that he should really be paying somewhere between one third and one half of everything (so about two fifths?) - but is it really worth trying to change the rules in the middle of the game for a marginal increase?

How to Help Meal Delivery Programs Hit by Food, Fuel Costs

CitizenSugar — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 14:30:23 -0700

It's easy to see the economic toll on food and fuel in our own everyday lives - but the effect is trickling down past commuters and bargain shoppers to silver citizens who rely on meal delivery programs to survive. Advocates for the elderly nationwide are concerned that many seniors are going or will go hungry soon - and blame the 20 percent increase in fuel and food prices over the past year, as well as leveling or reduced government subsidies and a failing economy.

According to the Meals on Wheels Association of America, nearly 60 percent of the 5,000 programs have lost volunteers, most of whom say they can no longer afford gas. This has resulted in the elimination or consolidation of entire routes and nearly 38 percent are now serving frozen instead of hot meals. Another 30 percent are reducing personal visits from five to one day per week. To see how some states are fighting back, and what you can do to help, read more.

In West Virginia, where nearly 15 percent of the population is above 60 years of age and more than two-thirds live in rural communities, lawmakers have furnished an extra $1 million to aid agencies with food and gas. Without this assistance, the West Virginia Bureau of Senior Services would be forced to eliminate nearly 113,000 meals and allow 100,000 fewer trips for doctors appointments.

Many states are facing similar hardships for the poor and elderly and in some cases like New York, they won’t be able to provide extra funding - forcing the city to cut back on services. Meetings are currently underway there to decide who will no longer receive meals and visits. In California, senior programs are facing a 10 percent cut in funding.

In the meantime, you can help a senior citizen continue to receive the food aid they need. Check out Meals on Wheels to find out how to how to donate your time, money, or start a new program of your own!

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Friends and Lovers

DearSugar — Tue, 02 Jan 2007 09:59:34 -0800

Dear Sugar
I just moved to a new city to live with my best friend from college. I moved into her three bedroom apartment that she shares with a great guy and for the past few months, we have been the epitome of three's company; two girls and one guy. Since this is the first time I have lived so far from my family, it is extremely refreshing to live in a family type environment.

Last week, I came home after work and my best friend said she had something to tell me. She sat me down and told me that she and our other roommate have been hooking up for the past month and have decided to officially be a couple. To say I was shocked is an understatement. Not only was I completely left in the dark, but my little brother/sister family environment was about to change.

After the initial shock wore off, she told me that the dynamic in the house wouldn't change, but if I wanted him to move out, she would completely understand. I don't want to be the third wheel in my own home, but I don't want to be that girl who makes their relationship hard and asks him to leave. What should I do? Third Wheel Winona

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Third Wheel Winona
Well they sure have put you in a tough position haven't they! How has it been around the house? Are they affectionate to the point where you feel uncomfortable? Although they say the dynamic won't change in the house, I think we both know it inevitably will.

I can understand your hesitation of asking him to move out, so although it is a total pain, I think the best thing to do is start looking for a new apartment. Place an ad in the classifieds, and start networking ASAP. If you still feel hurt or left out by their new relationship, your friendship could possible suffer if you continue to live with them.

Hopefully you can use this opportunity to make some new friends and explore your new city. Try your best to look on the bright side of this situation; if you have your own apartment, then you won't need to be stuck in the middle of their lovers' quarrels! Happy New Year and good luck to you.

Handle This: Getting It on in Front of You

DearSugar — Fri, 23 May 2008 10:00:00 -0700

A friend invites you out with her boyfriend because she misses you. Even though you hate to be a third wheel, you agree to go because you’re trying to be a good friend. At first things are fine, but as the night wears on, your friend and her man keep getting more and more physical. If he's not brushing his fingers over her neck and chest, then she's running her hands through his hair.

The excessive PDA is getting old, and you go the bathroom to get it away from it for a while. You’re sure it can’t get much worse, but when you get back to the table, they’re fully groping each other and making out. You're totally grossed out, but you feel uncomfortable interrupting them, so how do you handle this?

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The How-To Lounge: Dealing With Your Best Friend's New Romance

DearSugar — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 10:00:00 -0800

We all want our friends to be happy, and often times that means giving them the space they need to live their own lives, but that can be particularly difficult when we've grown accustom to a certain level of presence and friendship. When our closest friends fall in love and embark on serious romances, it can often leave us, well, missing them and feeling a little hollow. To learn ways to aid in this adjustment, read more

You know all those things that you keep saying you'll do when you have free time? Like cleaning out your closet or printing out your pictures and getting them in an album, do them! There's nothing like a little productivity to keep you distracted.
Take advantage of this time to build relationships with all those acquaintance-level friends you've been meaning to make plans with but haven't. It may expose you to an entirely new group of people, which is always fun!
Make formal plans with your pal. If you keep waiting for her to plan something, it may not happen for months or worse yet, until you feel resentful and hurt. However, if you take the initiative, and communicate to her that you miss her, she'll likely be more than willing to accommodate you.
Make an effort to be a third wheel (every once and awhile). I'm not saying you should get into this habit, but it shows great support to join your friend and her new beau to a movie or dinner. Plus, you'll still be getting to see your friend.

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