TresSugar

Do Things Happen For a Reason?

DearSugar — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 09:00:00 -0800

I've always felt that things happen for a reason. Whether you're experiencing good times or bad, I feel that there's some sort of hidden lesson or purpose in every circumstance. I learn so much from every experience I go through, and oftentimes I find that I grow and mature the most when something unbearable happens.

So tell me, do you think that things happen for a reason or do you believe more in chance and luck?

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South Africa Weighs Legalizing Prostitution For World Cup

TresSugar — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 11:00:00 -0700

Fans heading to South Africa for the World Cup 2010 are interested in more than soccer. Anticipating that sport tourists will frequent prostitutes while they're in town, health experts are calling on the South African government to legalize prostitution for the tournament. The hope is that testing and registering legal sex workers will reduce HIV infections among visiting fans and South Africans alike.

In South Africa, approximately 50 percent of sex workers are HIV-positive. While this figure might be enough to dissuade cautious would-be customers, experts figure that the party atmosphere, fueled by alcohol, will lead to much promiscuity. In fact, South Africa has been anticipating a surge in prostitution demand for some time now. More than a year ago, police unveiled plans to legalize sex services for the 2010 games, arguing that Germany opened safe and easy "adult entertainment centers" during the 2006 World Cup. These plans have been rejected so far, for reasons including concerns about greater transmission of HIV, but if legalization means screening sex workers for HIV, it could make things safer.

No matter what happens, let's hope South Africa can use the World Cup to raise awareness about HIV testing. If that happens, everybody will walk away from the tournament a winner.

Hump Day: My Boyfriend Is a One-Minute Man

TresSugar — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"My boyfriend has premature ejaculation problems, and it's a little frustrating for me. As far as I know, he doesn't have any health problems. Is this psychological? Can I help him fix this?" To hear Dr. Glickman's response, read more

One of the challenges when talking about premature ejaculation is coming up with a common definition for it. Masters & Johnson defined it as when a man ejaculates before his (female) partner at least half of the time. Others have tried to define it as when he orgasms within two minutes of starting to have intercourse. That kind of definition works better in some ways, especially since many women don’t orgasm from intercourse. Ultimately, the “problem” of premature ejaculation rests on whether it causes concern for either person and since you’ve said that you’re finding it frustrating, that’s good enough for me.

There are a lot of potential causes of premature ejaculation, from the physical to the psychological. It can be caused by anxiety and stress, hormonal imbalances, prostate health issues, and relationship difficulties. With all of these possible reasons, some of which need a medical exam to detect, there’s no way for me to tell you what’s causing it for him. Having said that, there are some tips that I can offer you. Bear in mind that these assume that there aren’t any medical factors complicating the situation.

First off, anxiety is a common cause of both erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. Unfortunately, worrying about whether it’ll happen can make it happen, creating a self-fulfilling prediction. One of the best ways to address that is to widen your definition of what you consider sex and pleasure to be. If you can let go of the focus on intercourse and enjoy the buffet of sexual options, the worry tends to decrease. It can be really helpful to talk about how you might make that happen when you’re not having sex or just afterwards. If he’s feeling embarrassed about the situation, it’s probably going to be a lot easier to have the conversation when the clothes are still on.

Another factor that can influence when a guy ejaculates is what position he’s in. For many men, being on top seems to make him orgasm more quickly, while lying back and being straddled can make things last longer. While I’m not aware of any actual research on this, I’ve heard stories from enough men to suggest that you give it a try and see what happens.

Still another reason that some men ejaculate more quickly than they or their partners might like is that they don’t know how to work with their sexual energy. Modern tantra and other similar practices offer many men a lot of useful tools and tips for lasting longer. While this approach might not be everyone’s cup of tea, I think it’s worth looking into. Check out Mantak Chia’s book The Multi-Orgasmic Man for a really interesting and easy-to-read take on this. He also has a book for women and one for couples.

Also, some men report that one of the best ways to last longer is to be on the receiving end of a little more foreplay. Actually, I dislike the word “foreplay” since it implies that everything else is just a lead-up to “real sex.” But leaving that aside, many of us are familiar with the idea that lots of women prefer/enjoy/need some warm-up before intercourse. What you might not know is that a slower approach can be a great thing for lots of guys, too. Men’s sexual arousal isn’t just about getting an erection; ramping up can increase how much sexual energy he can maintain. Or to put it another way, just because some guys can hit the ground running doesn’t change the fact that a little warm-up makes it a lot easier. So try extending how much time you give oral sex, hand-jobs, kissing, whatever. It can help him relax and increase his arousal, both of which reduce anxiety and can make it easier for him to last longer.

To get to the last question that you ask, there are some things you can do to help him but he needs to be willing to deal with this situation in the first place. A lot of men feel ashamed of early ejaculation, even though a lot of men experience it, at least sometimes. One of the best things you can do is to talk about it with him at a time when you’re not having sex. Right after it happens is probably not ideal since he’s having whatever feelings this brings up for him. And yes, men have feelings, even when (or especially when) they don’t know how to show them!

Slow Sex Movement Guru: What Do Men Want?

TresSugar — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:00:00 -0700

"The men who come to OneTaste are men who are so sick of having to pretend like they know what they’re doing."

This is the third in a four-part series of interviews I had with Nicole Daedone, who is emerging as the leader of the slow-sex movement and who founded the OneTaste urban retreat center in San Francisco. OneTaste invites men and women to learn about mindful sexuality by participating in workshops, yoga, and (for residents only) controversial "OMing" sessions in which men stroke women to orgasm during daily morning sessions. To read the third part of the interview with Nicole, read more.

TrèsSugar: Why do you think men come to OneTaste? Is it different from why women do?
Nicole Daedone: Everyone is coming to plug into the same thing. But there is a gender differentiation. My experience with most men is that they can sense that the kind of power that they have in our culture is a precarious thing. Because it’s not real, it’s not based on truth. It’s crumbling, right? We’re watching that everywhere, so most of the guys that I see who come in don’t really want to hold the power of sexuality. They don’t want to be the sole holders of this thing.

How we have sexuality set up at this point is a subject-object relationship and so it’s just inaccurate. Guys are thinking, “But I have power” and women are thinking, “But I’m the victim." We know that's not true; we want to find that right true relationship. The men who come to OneTaste are men who are so sick of having to pretend like they know what they’re doing.

TS: Regarding the OMing sessions, how does it help men to unload their sense of having to hold the power, as you put it, when they're touching women and bringing them to orgasm? I'm sure this is very misunderstood!
ND: The primary reason that it’s misunderstood is what I was talking about with the subject-object issue. If you look at it like something is operating on something, like “he is doing something to her,” you miss the point of what’s actually happening. It’s this amazing feedback loop, a kind of surrendering into a field of sexuality. Both people are plugging into something together and playing different roles in it.

TS: In tantric sex, there's an emphasis on eye contact. But in the article about OneTaste in the New York Times, the writer says there's a no eye contact rule. I think that could be misconstrued as something really anonymous and weird.
ND: There's actually no rule that you have to make eye contact. I’m saying, “Look, you don’t have to look into each other’s eyes.” I know that as a woman, I’ve done a lot more eye gazing than I was actually comfortable with and then what I’m doing is that I’m looking at him and wondering if I really look attractive. Then all of a sudden I’m contorting my face to make sure it looks attractive and then I’m no longer focusing on the sensation of no longer focusing on the attraction.

TS: There’s this idea that intimacy might only happen if you’re gazing into somebody’s eyes.
ND: I’ll have this experience with my boyfriend where my back will be to the door and I’ll feel him come into the room. That is such a subtle level of intimacy that we very often miss because we so rely on our visual sense. More what I’m saying is let’s take these things that we overly rely on and sometimes just be willing to not rely on those but not exclude them. I’m not interested in excluding anything, I’m interested in including more.

TS: For some women, male sexuality just feels toxic. I don't think it's inherently so, but perhaps becomes that way.
ND: I think that the reason it becomes toxic is because it doesn’t have counterbalance. I think that we have male sexuality that has grown up like this, and female sexuality that has grown up like this, and so I think it just gets out of balance and wonky.

One of the feminist things we can do today is say, “Hey, wait a minute. I’m responsible for this, I’m not being victimized by this sex that’s coming at me." I deal with these guys trying to find the tiniest spot on a woman’s body after however many years of having a woman not talk to them about their sexuality except to say, “No” or “I don’t like that,” or like “Ewww.” So these guys have as many issues as the women!

Slow Sex Movement Guru: Women and the Power of Sexuality

TresSugar — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 07:00:00 -0700

"There’s a way that we actually have men take all the responsibility for sexuality, and then we get upset that they’re holding it."

This is the second in a four-part series of interviews I had with Nicole Daedone, who is emerging as the leader of the slow-sex movement and who founded the OneTaste urban retreat center in San Francisco. OneTaste invites men and women to learn about mindful sexuality by participating in workshops, yoga, and (for residents only) controversial "OMing" sessions in which men stroke women to orgasm during daily morning sessions. To read the second part of the interview with Nicole, read more.

TrèsSugar: What is the primary reason women come to OneTaste?
Nicole Daedone: I think it's to connect with power - not what we’ve made power into, something that you lord over people - but to connect with that personal sense of power. I think that’s one of the biggest challenges for women in our age: we don’t have access to our own power, and we don’t have access to our power because the raw source of it is our sexuality and most women have never been trained how to hold that much power in our bodies. So there’s a way that we actually have men take all the responsibility for sexuality, and then we get upset that they’re holding it. Or they have this sort of power within them, and then we get upset that we don’t have that kind of power.

TS: I don't know if you've read Ariel Levy's book Female Chauvinist Pigs, but she talks about how a lot of young women feel that having power in sexuality means attracting men, but it's not about owning it or their own pleasure. And then they wonder why they don’t have good sex.
ND: Well, I think that’s what power in its nascent stages looks like and I think that one of the reasons that we haven’t come to hold our power is that it's embarrassing. I remember when my orgasm was just starting to get turned on and I went from kind of, I was basically attractive, but I went to like “Wow!” I got really power drunk; power drunk doesn’t feel good. And I had to actually feel that something deeper was available.

TS: Do you think women are afraid of that power when they they feel it?
ND: It’s terrifying. As a woman, there isn’t a lot of information about how to do it well. In terms of how to be sexual, there’s no map for it so I’m really having to feel my way around in the dark and make mistakes and that’s scary. By the same token, I think that one of the things that’s happening in this time is that we’re sensing something deeper in ourselves that’s saying we have to listen to our bodies, we have to listen to these sexual impulses and if we have to respond to them, we have to learn how to do it well and do it in a really healthy way.

Hump Day: I Want to Orgasm Without a Vibrator!

TresSugar — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's new sex advice column! Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

“I'm 22 and have masturbated basically as long as I can remember. It wasn't until getting a vibrator about a year ago that I finally had an orgasm, but I have yet to have an orgasm with my boyfriend without using my vibrator. We've tried missionary, doggy-style, cowgirl, him going down on me - nothing but the vibrator gets me off. I would love to have an orgasm with my boyfriend without the electrical help. Any advice?“ To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more.

Hi,

This is a really common situation - it happens much more often than most people realize. It turns out that some women need to learn how to have an orgasm. Not just in the sense of figuring out what feels good to them, but also in the sense of having their bodies learn how to do it. Fortunately, since you’ve had orgasms with a vibrator, we can probably set aside the different medical reasons that can get in the way.

Most women report that they need some sort of clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, so it’s not a surprise to me that trying different positions hasn’t done the trick. In fact, some women find that the reason that a particular position works for them is that they get clitoral stimulation from their partner’s torso, not because they get deeper penetration. Although you’ve tried lots of different positions, you might find that small things make a big difference - how you position your legs, for example, can have a big effect on how things feel. I can’t say for sure what will work for you since everyone’s a bit different, but one thing you can try is making small adjustments and seeing what that does.

It’s not clear from your question - have you tried using the vibrator while having sex with your boyfriend? For many women, that can be a way to take something that works and connect it with something different. I’ve heard from quite a few women that combining the two for a while eventually made it easier for them to have orgasms without the toy.

You could also try using your vibrator with your boyfriend for a while before shifting to intercourse. The more turned on you get before changing things up, the more likely it is that intercourse will put you over the top. Another option would be for you or your boyfriend to pleasure your clitoris by hand during intercourse. A little bit of lubricant can help with that - I like the silicone-based lubes because they don’t dry out and they’re safe to use with condoms. And if you don’t have an orgasm during intercourse, feel free to grab that vibrator afterwards and enjoy yourself. You can always give it another try next time.

Having said all that, it sounds like you (or you and your boyfriend) might be putting a lot of pressure on the idea of orgasms without a vibrator. Ironically, the more you stress over whether you’ll have an orgasm, the less likely it can be. It’s the female version of performance anxiety creating the very situation you’re trying to keep from happening, just as performance anxiety can lead to erection difficulties for a lot of guys. And in both cases, one of the best ways to respond is to not worry about it. I know that can sound like the line about “don’t think of a pink rhinoceros” but it’s often true that if you can enjoy what you’re doing without getting stuck in the “will it happen this time” loop, you’ll have a lot more fun.

One of the best ways to do that is to do whatever the two of you enjoy without stressing about using a vibrator. If a vibe is what you need at this point in your life to have an orgasm, go for it! It’s really, really likely that you won’t always need it - sexual response changes a lot and you will probably find that in the not-too-distant future, what works for you will be quite different. I’ve spoken with a lot of women who have found that they needed the intensity of a vibrator when they were younger and that when they got a bit older, things were very different. That’s one of the best things about sex: we get to keep trying new things. It’s kind of like food. Your favorite foods will probably also change over time, so you get to try new cuisines. The only thing that’s important is whether you’re enjoying whatever works for you right now.

If you want to do a little reading, there are some books I can highly recommend. I Love Female Orgasm is a fun read that covers pretty much everything - masturbation, partner sex, safer sex, toys, anatomy, and more. There are also lots of useful tips for women in your situation. Orgasms is an excellent guide for folks who want to figure out how to have an orgasm or how to have them more consistently. It’s a great read for partners, too. And Becoming Orgasmic is one of the best on the topic. It’s a bit more text heavy than the first two, but there’s an incredible amount of information there.

So the upshot of all of this is that the more you can relax and enjoy yourself without worrying about whether it’ll happen or not, the more fun you’ll have. And don’t stress about whether there’s something wrong with you - you’re not alone and lots of women have found that practice does, indeed, make perfect. Usually when you least expect it.

Have fun!

Hump Day: How Do I Know If My Orgasm Is . . . Right?

TresSugar — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 10:00:00 -0700

Today's Question:

For years I thought I hadn't had an orgasm because I expected it to be similar to a man's. I also expected that when I did eventually have one I wouldn't question whether or not that was it because it would be so great/pleasurable that there would be no doubt whether it had happened. My biggest obstacle to get over is that I stop either myself or my partner too soon because it becomes too uncomfortable/sensitive and I just don't like it. Any advice would be appreciated. To find out what Dr. Glickman's advice is, read more.

Dr. Glickman's response:

Many women have had similar experiences, so I’m glad that you asked the question. There are many elements to sexual pleasure and each person is different. As a result, there are lots of women whose sexual responses don’t do what they may expect, especially if they’re comparing their experiences with men’s orgasms.

Quite a few women find that sexual stimulation, especially clitoral stimulation, can become too intense. They often report that changing what they’re doing can keep the fun going without overdoing it. Think of it like switching from eating something spicy to something a bit milder to give your body a chance to catch up. That’s a useful comparison because many people tend to think that stronger sensations are always better, but it’s not always the case. Some people like spicy food and others don’t. So if you find that slow and steady gets you there, go for it!

Figuring out what works for you can be a bit easier with some solo exploration since it takes the pressure of a partner’s expectations out of the picture. If you’re looking for ideas, I really like Sadie Allison’s book Tickle Your Fancy because she offers lots of tips in a fun and friendly format. She also talks about using toys, lubricants, and fantasies so you’ll have plenty of options.

If you want to explore things with a partner, you might find it helpful to explain that your body can get overstimulated and you need to change things up every so often. That’s when it can be helpful to be able to describe what you like since your partner won’t be able to always guess when you need things to be a bit different or what you’d like to do.

While feeling overstimulated is certainly one piece of the puzzle, I think it’s important to recognize that there are many women who haven’t had orgasms for a number of reasons. Becoming Orgasmic is an excellent book that’s designed to help women figure out what their particular barriers are and how to overcome them. Women who have experienced orgasm but who’d like to have them more consistently or more easily can also get a lot out of this friendly step-by-step guide.

Got more questions for Dr. Glickman on Hump Day? Send 'em to TrèsSugar!

If You Want to Follow Through on a Project - Don't Tell Anyone

TresSugar — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 11:30:00 -0700

This happens to me all the time. I announce that I'm going to do something - take more photographs, write an essay, take guitar lessons - and after telling a million people I'm going to do it, I let it fizzle.

What gives? This interesting essay suggests that one reason is that when you announce your goal, you're making an "identity goal," or announcing an intention to "commit to an identity," - in my case, Photographer, Essayist, or Guitar Player.

For some reason the pressure is on, then, to be that identity, and you're less likely to follow through. In an experiment, researchers who published their findings in Psychological Science had students who wanted to be psychologists write down two things that week they were going to do to commit to that goal. They were told someone would follow up with them later to see how they did.

The catch? Half of the students were told, after they wrote down what actions they would take, that no one would actually look at their list or follow up with them. The fascinating conclusion to their research: the students who thought no one would follow up actually spent more time working on their goal than the students who knew someone would check on them.

So now I will run off and work on something - I just can't tell you what it is.

Director Goes Inside Gitmo and Shares Experience With Us

CitizenSugar — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 12:00:37 -0700

Since the beginning of the War on Terror the US prison at Guantanamo Bay has sat under a cloud of controversy and in the middle of legal limbo. Suspected terrorists and innocent alike have been kept in the wire-enclosed camp in Cuba, outside the reach of American courts. National Geographic captured the day-to-day life in the prison for the film Explorer: Inside Guantanamo which airs tonight at 9 p.m. on the National Geographic Channel.

The documentary highlights hardworking military guards, former detainees, and the depressing reality of men being held for years without charges. The director Bonni Cohen took time to answer some of my questions. Check out her thoughts on whether the detainees will make it to US soil, the professional nature of the camp, and how Guantanamo is different than a typical prison. And stop by tomorrow for the second part of my interview.

Will detainees make it to US soil? Interestingly some of the more liberal habeas attorneys are saying now, "Well God, if they have to stay in detention, Guantanamo is better than being moved somewhere in the United States. At least they have each other." I think that even the detainees would think they're in a better position where they are now, than if they would be moved to the United States. I don't think moving them to the US is really going to happen. . . The idea now is returning as many of these men back home many of them have been cleared to go home. . . There are certain number of them, these hardcore guys, and we know who they are, that are never going to get out.

On the professional nature of the camp: Of course everybody thinks it was staged for us. But that just was not the case. For some reason American journalists would rather just continue to believe whatever it is that they have believed for the last seven years without any gradation of changes, it's just bizarre for me. You can't go into a place for three weeks and have the entire thing be staged for you.

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To see what Bonni thinks about the conditions at Gitmo, and for a preview from the film, read more.

How is Guantanamo different than other high security prisons? The big difference between a max prison and Guantanamo is that the guys (in the US) know why they're there, and they know how long they're going to be there. They know when they're getting out and they've had a chance to defend themselves. That's the biggest difference. In terms of the overall conditions, I think they're probably a little bit better at Guantanamo. I think the psychological conditions are much more grueling at Gitmo.

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Dear Poll: Do You Believe in Signs?

DearSugar — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Although it may sound cliche, I do think there are plenty of things in life that happen for a reason, even if the reason isn’t clear at the time. This might make me sound superstitious, but I often find myself looking for signs to explain why certain things happen or direction as to what I should do. Sure, sometimes even I think it’s silly, but there have been a few times when an unexpected incident or moment has provided a whole lot of clarity. Am I alone or do you believe in signs, too?

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