TresSugar

News to Me: Male Strip Clubs Just For Women

DearSugar — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0800

As it turns out, strip clubs solely directed at women are all the rage in Moscow these days according to Reuters. And these aren't just for bachelorette parties or fiftieth birthday celebrations. Women are heading to clubs for any old occasion, including your average cocktail hour. Interestingly enough, the article states:

Unlike the female version, male striptease rarely involves full nudity. . . . club workers say sex is not a priority for the women.

I find it fascinating that the notion of a strip club solely for women in Moscow is an everyday occurrence, while here in the US, it's something most women have never experienced, let alone frequent on a weekly basis. Perhaps if social norms were different here, more women would be spending their free nights at the local strip joint for a nice martini and a lap dance. Would you consider visiting strip clubs - outside of novelty occasions - if it was more socially acceptable?

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Dear Poll: Is It Taboo to Recycle Your Ex's Cologne?

DearSugar — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 13:00:00 -0700

It looks like I am not alone when it comes to having a strong connection to remembering scents on a man - thank you for sharing all your favorite smells! Now let me ask you this. If you grew to really like a specific scent, but your ex boyfriend wore it, do you think it's taboo to buy the same cologne or after shave for your new boyfriend?

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Dominican Republic Bans Abortion, No Exceptions

TresSugar — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 09:00:00 -0700

As support for legal access to abortion in the US drops (with only 47 percent of Americans thinking it should be legal), the Dominican Republican has decided to go one better: they want to constitutionally ban the procedure altogether.

With support for the Catholic Church and the country's Catholic population, lawmakers recently ratified an amendment that makes it illegal for women to terminate pregnancy in all cases. Abortion is now constitutionally forbidden even if the mother or fetus's life is at risk. And there is no exception for incest or rape.

It is very taboo to discuss abortion in the Dominican Republic, but some bloggers are speaking out against the new amendment. One such blogger writes:

A string of hypocrisy, and those that think they voted for life, when a woman needs to abort because her life is in danger and they do not, THE WOMAN AND THE FETUS DIES. What ignorance! Death will now be 2 for 1 in the Dominican Republic.

Could you imagine something like this happening in the US?

Book Bag: The Kiss Gives Insight Into Mackenzie Phillips

TresSugar — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 16:00:00 -0700

Since revealing her dark family secret to the public, Mackenzie Phillips has described the period after her father molested her at 18 as "consensual." And although her father was a "damaged guy" as she said on the Today show recently, Phillips also said, "I believe I have some accountability for what went down afterwards."

It's this taboo area that writer Kathryn Harrison explores in her disturbing and beautifully written memoir, The Kiss, about a four-year "affair" she had with her father with whom she reconnected at age 20. With spare and unsensationalistic language, Harrison helps the reader understand how inadequate the word "consent" is when a child is involved sexually with a parent, even when she's reached adulthood. To hear about other insights The Kiss provides, read more.

Harrison's parents divorced when she was a baby, and she was raised by her grandparents after her mother left her at 6 without leaving an address or phone number. Even though they eventually reconnected, Harrison had a strained relationship with her and describes her in the book as narcissistic.

When she was in college, her father, who had become an ordained minister, contacted her, and she, her mother, and father spent a week together at her mother's apartment. It was when Harrison drove him to the airport that he first kissed her in a nonparental way. "In years to come," she writes, "I'll think of the kiss as a kind of transforming sting, like that of a scorpion: a narcotic that spreads from my mouth to my brain." For four years after that, they had a sexual relationship.

Many people may think that Mackenzie Phillips, in "consenting" to sleep with her father as an adult, is as much to blame as her father or that she forfeits her right to our sympathy because she was not a child when this happened to her. By taking us into the mind of a vulnerable young woman, Harrison helps us understand that no matter what age someone is when a parent is inappropriately sexual, that sexual relationship is always embedded in an abuser/victim dynamic. Victims of incest can come to sympathize with and love their abusers - like kidnap victims with Stockholm Syndrome. Like Harrison, Phillips probably took the love her father gave her for a time, no matter in what poisonous form it was given.

Sex Therapist Says: Go Ahead and Snoop on Him

TresSugar — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0700

In an ideal world, says sex therapist and relationship counselor Dr. Ian Kerner, partners in committed relationships wouldn't hide anything from each other nor be suspicious of the other's activities. But Internet infidelity is such a problem these days, he argues, that sometimes you are justified in snooping on your partner's online activity.

You might not find out that your partner's cheating on you in the real world, Dr. Kerner says, but he might be committing emotional infidelity - that is, confiding in someone of the opposite sex, flirting with her, or even sending sexual messages. Research has shown that men don't think about emotional infidelity the same way that women do (most of them think it's not as bad as sexual infidelity), but it is a drain on the relationship nevertheless. If you've ever been with someone who checked out from the relationship and was investing romantic attention elsewhere without technically cheating, you'll know what he's talking about!

So when should you take this taboo leap into treating the person you're supposedly closest to like a crime suspect? I'll tell you after the jump, but you tell me - do you think it's worth taking this step, or are suspicions sign enough that it's time to bail? To see Dr. Kerner's list of signs you might need to start snooping, read more

Does he spend too much time on the computer or other digital devices?
Is he comfortable leaving Facebook pages or emails open when he's not at the computer?
Does he keep in touch with exes or members of the opposite sex on social networking sites like Facebook? Does it make you feel uncomfortable, or do you feel like you should know more and you don't?
Does your partner give you other reasons to not trust him - like flirting with others a lot when you are out together?
Has the frequency with which you have sex decreased?
Does your gut tell you something's wrong?

Hump Day: I'm Curious but Nervous About Back Door Action

TresSugar — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 07:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

“I’m curious about having anal sex with my boyfriend, but I’ve had unpleasant experiences in the past. Any tips?” To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more

I’ve noticed an increase in questions about anal play over the last few years, and while I think it’s great that more people are discovering new ways to experience pleasure, anal play isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Many people don’t enjoy it at all and unfortunately, some guys have a tendency to pressure their partners into doing it. Quite a few women report that their boyfriends have seen so much anal in porn that they’re convinced that every woman wants it. But sex in porn is like a car chase in an action movie. There’s a lot that happens behind the scenes that you don’t see in order to create the illusion that shows up on the screen; in the case of anal sex - lots of lube and warming up.

For some women, anal play (note: not just anal sex) heightens their orgasms. First, the anus is very sensitive and packed with nerve endings. Second, its muscles are connected to the rest of the pelvic muscles and contract along with the vagina during orgasm. Third, there are people who enjoy the experience of doing something naughty or taboo.

So now that we have that taken care of, there are three ingredients to hot anal play: relaxation, lubrication, and communication. Let’s take them one at a time.

Relaxation: the anus is made up of two rings of muscles and they’re under both voluntary and involuntary control. With practice, you can learn to increase how much control you have over your ability to relax. And ironically, if you’re nervous about anal play hurting or not being fun, it can make the anus get tighter, which makes it more likely to be unpleasant.

The best way to get started is to go slowly and start small. Try a little external pleasure with a finger or a slim vibrator. If you’re concerned about keeping things clean, slip on a glove. Experiment with tightening the anus and bearing down - you’ll be able to feel it contract and relax.

If you want to try penetration, go slowly and use lots of lube (either water-based or silicone-based, which doesn't dry out as easily but is harder to clean off). You’ll probably enjoy it more if you’re also doing something that you enjoy such as using a vibrator. Lots of women report that anal play on its own isn’t nearly as much fun as when it’s an add-on.

Communication: the anus is a delicate part of the body and it’s easy to get too rough with it. It’s super-important to be able to tell your partner when things are uncomfortable, if you need more lube, or if you want to try something else. For that matter, it’s important to be able to say something if you’re not enjoying it, or if you’re experiencing any pain. And if your partner is pressuring you to do something that you don’t want to do, that’s a big red flag!

Important safety tips: any toys that you use for anal play need to be smooth, have a base, and ideally made of easy-to-clean silicone. Since the anus is so much more delicate than the vagina, it’s easy for toys with bumps and ridges to cause discomfort. (If you have a porous rubber toy or you’re not sure if it's made of silicone, cover it with a condom.) And NEVER put anything that has been used anally inside the vagina - that’s a great way to give yourself an unpleasant infection. Lastly, if your toy doesn’t have a base, there’s a chance that it could go all the way in and not come back out. That can mean a trip to the emergency room.

If you’re looking for more info, here are some great places to start. For books, I'd recommend Anal Pleasure & Health and The Ultimate Guide To Anal Sex For Women. For DVDs, Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Anal Sex and Anal Massage For Lovers are great.

I hope that helps! Email the folks at TrèsSugar if you have more sex questions. I’d love to hear from you.

DEARSUGAR NEEDS YOUR HELP: The Taboo Of Open Relationships

DearSugar — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 14:12:53 -0800

DEARSUGAR and Wild Child Chastity need your help. She is in a monogamous marriage and is hoping that her husband will come around to the idea of having an open relationship. She misses the exciting and casualness of sex and would like to get that back. How do you feel about this?

Dear Sugar
I am a 29 year old woman who recently got married. I love my husband dearly and we have been together for five years. I have never strayed, and I would never want to break his trust or do anything to hurt him, but I am starting to understand why affairs happen so frequently in marriages.

It's not like I am looking for love or even a new friend, but what's wrong with being able to have safe, yet exciting sex with multiple partners? I've proposed the idea of an open marriage with my husband and he was shocked and confused. Of course I would want to establish mutual boundaries and rules, but so far he hasn't come around to the idea.

I don't understand why. Sex is supposed to be fun and interesting. With my husband we make wonderful and passionate love, but I'd like to have different experiences once in a while without hurting him, of course. Does anyone understand what I am feeling? Wild Child Chastity

Pole Dancers Reach For Olympic Gold

TresSugar — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 14:00:58 -0700

From the stripper pole to the Olympic podium? Proponents of "pole fitness" want more respect, and perhaps a gold medal would help. In an interview with Marie Claire, dance instructor Collette Kakuk, cofounder of the Pole Fitness Association, makes a case for pole dancing as an Olympic sport.

Poles aren't just for strippers anymore. There are stripping-based fitness classes, sport poles, and even national pole-dancing competitions. The moves require no small amount of strength, flexibility, control, and balance. Kakuk argues:

But if you look at rhythmic gymnastics and figure skating, so many of the movements are similar to what we do on the pole. We have to shatter the taboo. The pole is just another fitness apparatus, like a vertical balance beam.

I don't doubt that you have to be incredibly fit to pole dance. But I can't help but think the pole dancers might be a bit overeager for Olympic glory. As Kakuk points out, "we need to unify the sport. We don't even have common names for our moves." Well, at least they have a readymade soundtrack!

Morality 101: What Do Americans Find Morally Wrong?

TresSugar — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 13:30:00 -0700

Americans might not be perfect, but they have some strong opinions about what is morally acceptable and what is morally taboo. Gallup set out to rank America's standards in its latest Values and Beliefs survey. It came up with a list of actions - ranging from infidelity, to wearing fur, to capital punishment - and sorted them by what percentage of Americans found them to be morally wrong. The findings surprised me! Take this quiz to see if you can guess how most Americans see right from wrong.

Take the quiz

Commission Examines Not-So-Funny Reality of Prison Rape

TresSugar — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 15:00:00 -0700

I find the topic of sexual abuse in prisons both depressing and compelling. On "the outside," rape is viewed as the price a convict should expect to pay for his or her crime. References to prison in everyday conversations or popular culture (like this soap as promotional product for the TV show Prison Break) typically involve jokes about rape. Once a criminal is involved, it seems like it's suddenly OK to joke about an otherwise taboo topic.

Although pop cultural references to sexual abuse in prison tend to be lighthearted and humorous, prison rape is a serious problem deserving attention. A federal commission was set up to look into prison rape, and the numbers are startling. According to the report released today, at least 60,000 inmates are sexually abused every year.

Based on the research, more prisoners claimed abuse by staff than by other inmates. In addition, short, young, gay, or female inmates were more likely to be victimized than other inmates.

Hopefully the common sense guidelines offered by the commission, such as strict background checks for staff and medical attention for victims, will keep inmates (who are human beings just like everyone else) safer and address the challenges prison rape presents to public health and inmate rehabilitation efforts.

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