TresSugar

5 Tips For Supporting a Loved One Who Has Been Laid Off

DearSugar — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 10:00:00 -0800

As we all know, times are tough so chances are you have a friend or two that's been laid off. If you're in the same boat, you probably know what helps and what hurts when talking about it, but if you have yet to be affected by job loss, I have a few tips you might want to keep in mind if you have to support a loved one who is newly unemployed. Check them out below and if you have any suggestions you'd like to add, please do so in the comments below - we could all use as much advice on this subject as possible!

First things first: If your friend is in a panic after getting her pink slip, remind her of the five things she needs to take with her from work.
The most important thing to do when supporting someone is to listen. Typically people like to vent their frustration so let her get whatever she needs to off her chest and simply listen.
While it's easy to say things like you understand, unless you're wearing her shoes you probably don't, so try not to rain on her parade and compare your sister's friend's job loss to hers - it's different.

Want to see two more tips? Just read more.

Even if you're not in a position to do much to help, ask her what you can do anyway. She might appreciate simple things like you offering to babysit a few hours a week so she can interview, or inviting her over for dinner or a girls night in. Being around friends and family is crucial when you're feeling low.
If you have contacts that could benefit your friend, offer to point her in their direction or pass along her resume yourself. Though it's tough to get a job in most industries right now, it always helps if you know someone.

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A Do or a Don't: Supporting a Cheating Friend

DearSugar — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 07:00:00 -0700

In my book, there’s never a good excuse to cheat, but sadly I’ve had friends who’ve cheated, and they’ve always managed to come up with multiple excuses. Even if I can understand their rationale, I still want them to stop. It goes without saying that when I’ve been in the position of supporting a friend who’s cheating, it’s been extremely difficult for me. And yet, I also see it as a time when a friend needs me most, so I can’t just walk away. I support the person, not the action, I suppose. But is that wrong? If a friend is doing something as damaging as cheating, should we turn our backs on them until they turn around? Or should we support them since it’s not our responsibility to judge?

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A Do or a Don't: Confiding in Others About Body Insecurities

DearSugar — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 15:00:00 -0700

A friend recently confided in me about some issues she’s dealing with regarding her weight - something she's apparently been trying to manage for years. I was totally surprised by her admission; of course she has her least favorite spot, but she always comes off incredibly secure with her body. When I asked why she had never opened up to me about it before, she said that she was too embarrassed.

And it’s true, anything related to our bodies - emotional issues, health concerns, and sex - can be very hard to talk about, but sometimes revealing such a personal matter can help you feel like you’re not alone. Do you agree? If you’re prone to body issues, does voicing them make you feel better? Worse? Or do you tend to just keep them all to yourself?

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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Be Angry at Him?

DearSugar — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Pregnant Patsy need your help. She just found out that she's pregnant, but at the age of 20, she and her boyfriend decided that the timing isn't right to have a baby. Everything is in motion for her abortion, but she's feeling an intense amount of anger toward her boyfriend and doesn't know why or if her feelings are valid. She could use any support you can offer, so weigh in with your advice.

Dear Sugar,

I am 20 and just recently found out I'm pregnant with my current boyfriend's baby. I have suspected that I have been pregnant for a few weeks now, with a period nowhere to be found, constant fatigue, and an appetite that never seems to end. We love each other very much and already plan on spending the rest of our lives together, but we already knew we did not want to keep the baby because it is just not the right time in our lives - we are way too young to be parents right now.

My girlfriends took me to a YWCA clinic and have put everything in motion for me, including an unconditional amount of support of my situation and decision. My abortion is next week. What I wanted to ask about is why I feel so angry toward my boyfriend? I am no longer affectionate toward him, even though it hurts me not to be. Since I found out I was pregnant, I have not liked kissing him, or even having him sleep in the same bed as me. And when I feel he doesn't spend enough time with me during this time, I use the pregnancy excuse to make him stay. I don't like hurting his feelings, or keeping him from hanging out with his friends, but I just feel that I deserve a little more attention in my fragile state than to be ignored for the boys, video games, or any other reason.

Is it normal to feel this way, or am I just being a cry baby?

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Handle This: Dating Someone 20 Years Older

DearSugar — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 12:00:00 -0700

You’ve been close with your best friend since you were kids, and you’ve witnessed her love life every step of the way. After a difficult end to a doomed engagement, she’s been having a hard time moving on.

Next thing you know she’s taken up with a man 20 years older than her. He spoils her rotten, and seems to care about her deeply. You know some people think that age is just a number, but something about their relationship dosen’t sit right with you - from what you know, it seems like he’s made a habit out of dating young women. Now she’s confiding in you that she sees herself marrying him, so how do you handle this?

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The How-To Lounge: Being Supportive Even When You Don’t Feel It

DearSugar — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Often we’re faced with situations in life when those who we care about make choices we don’t approve of. Obviously if those decisions put them in harms way then we have to come forward and say something, but otherwise, our differing opinions on their lives can be taken as attacks or judgments. Whether we like it or not, sometimes it’s best to remain supportive even when we don’t feel like it. To see my tips on walking this tricky line, read more.

Remember that being supportive of someone doesn’t mean you have to support a particular choice they’ve made. You can offer love and respect to someone without approving of every aspect of her life.
Instead of consistently biting your tongue, go ahead and speak up. There’s nothing wrong with telling a friend that you don’t feel comfortable discussing a particular topic with her. And she has the right to know why you might be keeping mum on a specific topic.
Most of the time people are going to do what they want regardless of the advice they receive to the contrary, but by keeping an open dialog that communicates respect (as opposed to approval) you're more likely to not be cut out of your loved one's decision-making process.
If a particular choice does blow up in her face as you suspect it might, try to avoid pulling the “I told you so” card. I’d assume they're already well aware, but by shoving it in their face, it’ll only lessen the chances that she’ll confide in you in the future.
If you do feel like you must say something, propose your opinion in a way that reflects a personal anecdote. Use your own experiences to warn her, instead of just expounding your opinion.

While I never condone standing by and watching dangerous behavior take place, I do think that some people really do just have to learn things on their own, so in the meantime, it's best to practice patience over frustration.

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You Asked: My Parents Won't Let Me Go

DearSugar — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm 21 years old and currently going into my last year of college. Before I was with my current boyfriend, I was in another long-term relationship, which ended when I went to college. My parents made my life miserable by pressuring me to break up with him, telling me that we weren't right together. It wasn't a bad relationship, and even though it didn't work out, I don't regret it.

Now it seems to be happening all over again. This Summer I decided to stay near school since I have a steady, full-time job. I'm renting a house with three close friends and my boyfriend of a year and a half. My family was disappointed that I didn't come home for the Summer but told me that if I could budget it, then they would support me. I love it here, and I'm very happy with the choice I made. My parents came up to visit this past weekend and when I asked if my boyfriend could come to dinner with us, my mom said no; she needed to talk to me about some red flags she sees.

They've only met him twice, and I don't think it's fair for them to judge him already. It seems that whenever I get into a serious relationship, instead of supporting me, they have to tell me that I'll ruin my dreams if I settle down too early. I'm happy to listen to their advice, but after that I feel like they need to support me. I know who I am and what I want, and I don't plan on sacrificing any of it for a guy, but that doesn't mean I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. How can I make them understand and support me?

- Unsupported Sienna

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Unsupported Sienna,

You sound like a smart woman with a good head on her shoulders, but trying to break away from your parents - especially when you're super-close as a family- can be really difficult when they're set on holding on to you. As long as you're staying focused on your future and what's truly best for your life, then I think you're on the right path, though it may not be the same path your parents would like for you. Unfortunately, I doubt there's much you can say to make your parents learn to let go any faster - only time will do that. But for now, continue what you have been doing: seriously listening to your parents opinions, paving your own way, and making the healthiest choices for you.

Remind them that while you will always defer to their judgment when making decisions, you can't always make the choice that's best for them. If you act maturely, then eventually they'll have to treat you accordingly. Watching a child enter into the big world is scary for parents, but I'm sure in the end they just want you to be happy. Be patient while they negotiate your new independence, but don't let them scare you out of standing your ground.

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Relationship Protocol: Making Each Other Look Good

DearSugar — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 12:00:00 -0700

I recently encountered a married couple about to celebrate their 40-year anniversary, and of course, I took the opportunity to ask them what their secret to success has been. Much to my surprise they both agreed that one of the biggest factors in a happy relationship is always making sure the other person looks good. According to them, you should each be the other's number-one fan, which means never a snarky comment or embarrassing story in public. You can disagree all you want at home, but among friends and in a public setting, it’s imperative to always act as your significant other’s cheerleader.

Obviously this worked for them, but what about you? Do you always go out of your way to make your significant other look good in public, even if you don’t necessarily agree with what he’s saying or doing?

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Is Thinness a Matter of Envy Among Friends?

DearSugar — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 11:00:00 -0700

In an article for July's issue of Marie Claire, Sarah Ivens, editor in chief of OK! magazine, chronicles her weight-loss journey's disappointing effect on many of her female friendships. After being told she was obese by a nutritionist, Ivens committed to changing her unhealthy ways, but found her friends didn't share her positive attitude. She writes:

When I fessed up to my diet plan after week one, I was surprised that, instead of offering kinship and support, a few women were upset with me. . . . My sudden decision to restrain myself at the dinning table reflected badly on their decision - or inability - not to . . . The jealousy was palpable - especially when, after four weeks of trimming fat, sugar, and useless calories, I'd lost 10 pounds.

Though jealousy among women is not uncommon, we don't expect to find it amidst friends. But as we know, the standards of contemporary society have led many women to experience deep anxieties about their bodies, and surely such insecurities breed jealousy even in the company of good friends. So tell me, have you ever encountered experiences similar to Sarah's in your own circle of friends? Have your friends' bodies or body images affected your own?

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You Asked: My Friends Don't Understand Why I Love My Job

DearSugar — Fri, 30 May 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have recently landed a great new job. The most important thing is that I have worked really hard to get here, but my friends are super negative about it. It has gotten to the point where I lie about being happy in my job just so they'll back off. Though I never go into detail, this seems to make my friends feel better, but the truth is, my new job is really hard, and I love the challenge! How can I relay this message to the people I love without making them uncomfortable? I want to be honest without bragging, but every time I say anything positive, I get serious backlash. Please help! - Actually Happy Annie

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Actually Happy Annie,

Since I don't know much detail here, I will just say that it sounds as though your friends are simply jealous of your new job. Finding something you love to do that presents a welcoming challenge is no small feat, so you should indeed relish it! Lying just to appease them can't last forever, so the next time one of your friends gives you any flack, just be honest with them! Tell them that you're sorry that they don't understand, but you actually really enjoy your job, and leave it at that. Chances are, they'll feel stupid for making you feel guilty for feeling otherwise, and it'll never be a topic of conversation again. You should be proud of yourself for working hard to get to where you are today, Annie, and if your friends don't understand that, you might want to reevaluate the role these people play in your life. Friendship is all about love and support and from the sounds of it, you are getting the exact opposite reaction.

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