TresSugar

The How-To Lounge: Asking For Help

DearSugar — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Although being independent is great, if you happen to have a stubborn streak, your determination may hinder you from reaching out for help when you need it. For whatever reason, asking for help has become synonymous with not being tough enough, but I’ll be the first to say, that’s just not true. So if you’re one of those girls who has to do everything herself, read my tips for how to reach out for help when you really do need it when you read more.

Recognize that there’s nothing wrong with needing help. In fact, being able to acknowledge that you don’t know how to do something shows good judgment.
Try by yourself first, but know when to admit defeat. When you’re wasting time trying to do something that another person could have helped you accomplish already, then it’s time to reach out. You don’t want to wait until it’s too late.
Go out of your way to ask someone whom you feel comfortable with. Knowing that you won’t be judged for your question and that they won’t lead you astray can make all the difference in the world.
Make sure you know what you’re asking for. Most people are better at helping when they can advise on a specific problem.
And finally, once you make your big break and ask, don’t forget to say thank you.

Are you comfortable with asking for help?

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Relationship Protocol: Is He Set in His Mother's Ways?

DearSugar — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 15:00:00 -0700

After hearing stories from my married friends about their husbands, I realize how many men are stuck in their mother's ways! It may be endearing for a guy to be a mama's boy, but it can seem a little childish to demand that something be done a particular way for no reason other than, "that's how my mom did it." Does your significant other act this way? Does he like to do things or ask you to do specific things a certain way because that's the way his mom did it?

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Dear Quiz: Can You Compromise?

DearSugar — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 12:00:00 -0700

With the exception of pushovers, I'm sure most of us can be a little stubborn sometimes, especially about the things that matter to us most. But there's a difference between holding onto your opinions and just being plain old difficult. In all aspects of life, knowing when to compromise is definitely an important skill. Take my short quiz to find out if you can compromise or if you're stuck with a stubborn streak?

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Are you willing to consider others' opinions if they greatly differ from your own?

I'll certainly consider them, but in the end they may not change my mind.

No, obviously I have my own opinions for a reason.

Definitely, I could be completely wrong for all I know.

Yes, as I'm often unsure of my own opinions.

If you thought you had a mistake would you admit it?

I would definitely disclose my uncertainty. I'd hate to be wrong and look dumb later.

Absolutely not; I would only admit it if I was sure I had.

I would; I'd be too embarrassed to be called out by someone else.

Yes, begrudgingly.

If you really want something - even something you've been told you can't have - will you usually get it?

Not likely. I'm not going to go after something that I can't have.

I'd try to get it, but if I couldn't, I'd let it go.

If it really matters to me, I'll fight for it.

I pretty much always get what I want in the end.

Hanging out with a group of friends, you get into a debate about an old high-school teacher's name, and you're positive they're wrong. What do you do?

Just laugh it off.

Continue to remind them of how wrong they are all night long.

Look it up in the yearbook as soon as possible, and then proceed to gloat!

Quickly agree with them; I might be wrong anyways.

Are You Stubborn?

DearSugar — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0800

Are you the kind of person who takes a stand and then won't back down? Are you set in your ways and resistant to change? Do you refuse to admit that you're wrong, or have a hard time compromising if it means you won't get your way?

Sure, being a little stubborn shows that you have confidence and self-respect, and that you don't let people walk all over you, but there is such a thing as being too strong willed. I'm pretty darn stubborn, it runs in the family, but where do you fall on the stubborn scale? Are you completely inflexible when it comes to bending your views or giving up on your desires? Does it matter what the issue is or who you're dealing with? Or are you a total pushover and pretty much give in immediately?

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Dear Poll: Would You Watch Rosie?

DearSugar — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 09:00:00 -0800

Rosie O'Donnell has certainly made a name for herself over the past year with her strong opinions about the war in Iraq, her personal views on Donald Trump and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and her views on gays in America. While she isn't afraid to voice her opinions and be honest with her views, her delivery could use some polishing if you ask me.

It seems that people either love her or love to hate her, so with news that Miss O'Donnell is in talks with MSNBC to host her own prime-time talk show, I have to ask you all, would you watch her outspoken tirades or channel surf right past her stubborn opinions?

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You Asked: WIll She Ever Accept Me?

DearSugar — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and we love each other very much. I recently moved overseas to be with him and things have been going great, with the exception of his sister - she has never accepted me and always treats me like I'm not wanted. In the almost two years that he and I have been together, she has never once called me to make plans or even just to say hi, and she has made her feelings about me very clear to him and his parents. It's been really hard for me to make new friends since I've moved and I always hoped his sister would reach out to me, but she's just made matters worse.

I know he wants us to have some sort of relationship, but I feel like she'll just never accept me. How can I handle this and keep it from affecting my relationship with my boyfriend? - Lonely Laura

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Lonely Laura,

I'm so sorry to hear that your boyfriend's sister isn't welcoming you into her life, but it sounds to me like she's just jealous of the role you play in her brother's life - she now has to compete with you for his attention. You say that she's never made an effort to spend time with you, but have you reached out to her?

She sounds very stubborn so I recommend you talk to your boyfriend and ask him what the best way to approach this situation is. You don't want to come on too strong, but you also don't want to be a pushover, so find a middle ground and go from there. If she's still unwilling to let you in, you're unfortunately going to have to wait for her to come around. I know this has to be hard on you so lean on your boyfriend for support, but try to keep the issues with his sister separate. Good luck to you.

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Dos and Don'ts of Living Together Before Marriage

DearSugar — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 10:30:00 -0700

When couples get serious in their relationship, they start to think about taking things to the next level, and living together is usually the next step. Many prefer to do it before they get married to strengthen their bond and see if they're compatible, but before you pack up your boxes and move in on the fly, here are some things to consider.

Do	Don't
Do be flexible about where you'll live. Take space, cost, and convenience into consideration. And instead of moving into one of your places, consider finding a completely new place.	Don't move in for the wrong reasons. You shouldn't live together just because it'll save money or it's close to your favorite health food store. Decide to share a place because of where you are in your relationship.

To see the rest of my dos and don'ts read more.

Don't

Do communicate each other's needs, expectations, and schedules before moving in. He should know that on Tuesday nights, you need the place to yourself to host your all-girls potluck dinner.
Do respect those needs, expectations, and schedules. If he can't stand a dirty kitchen, don't leave your dishes in the sink.
Do discuss your finances. Whether you split things even-steven or one person pays more than the other, be sure you're fully aware of your responsibilities.
Do make sure you're on the same page when it comes to having pets, house guests, and time alone.
Do divvy up the chores and responsibilities that come with your home evenly and fairly.

Don't assume that moving in together means you're getting married. If that's the only reason you're doing it, perhaps you should wait until you're engaged first.
Don't buy a place together unless you're ready. It's better to rent together first, without any financial ties.
Don't be bossy or stubborn about decorating. Try to compromise with a new style that works for you as a couple.
Don't let living together take the romance out of your relationship. Be sure to schedule weekly dates to keep the magic alive.

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You Asked: Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

DearSugar — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 11:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I have a somewhat unique problem. While I love my boyfriend with all my heart, and know that he loves me in return, my parents don't approve of him. There has never been a falling out between them, and I still don't have a clear understanding as to why they dislike him; they just tell me to trust them because they "know best." My parents demanded that I break up with him, which I did for a while, until I realized how miserable I was without him.

We are now back together but my parents are in the dark about it. I feel sick inside knowing that I am betraying them, but then again, I'm thrilled to have this amazing guy who loves me more than I had ever imagined. I want everyone to get along, but I don't know how to make that happen - my parents are incredibly stubborn. Do you have any advice? - Torn Tory

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Torn Tory,

Your parents having such strong feelings about you not being with this man raises a few red flags to me. While I don't doubt the fact that your boyfriend loves you, I'm left assuming that your parents know something you don't and they are simply trying to protect you. Since you don't have a clear understanding as to where they are coming from, a talk is definitely in order.

Ask your parents to be honest with you so you can get to the bottom of this once and for all, but remember that you'll have to be honest with them too, and that means coming clean about being back together. If they don't have a good reason why you shouldn't be together, explain to them why it's so important to you that they back off. Your happiness is what matters here so if this is all about a clashing of personalities, hopefully in time they'll be able to come to a middle ground. However, if your parents do have evidence to back up their ill will for this man, listen to what they have to say. Your parents might be older and wiser, but at the end of the day, the choice is ultimately up to you. Good luck to you.

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Dear Poll: Do You Admit When You're Wrong?

DearSugar — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 09:00:00 -0800

Even if you're not typically stubborn, sometimes admitting when you're wrong can be difficult. This becomes even harder if you were particularly adamant about being right - something I tend to do myself! When I'm wrong though, I'm wrong, and I usually have no problem saying so, but what about you? Do you have a hard time admitting when you're incorrect?

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Somalia: Is the Chaos There a US Problem?

LibertySugar — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 11:00:00 -0700

An exaggerated fear of "Islamofascism" ignores a complex reality, causing the US to overreact and damage its own interests. So says columnist Nicholas D. Krsitof, who argues that the situation in Somalia is one of the least-known Bush administration failures. Kristof explains that in 2006, a movement made up of moderate and extremist Islamic groups was close to uniting the country. Fearful of an uncooperative government in Somalia, the US supported Ethiopia's invasion of its rival, crushing the best hope for peace.

Events this week bolster the argument that paranoia of Islamic extremists has led to disaster. Today in Somalia, five suicide bombs hit government security posts, UN offices, and an Ethiopian consular unit, killing dozens.

On Monday, the human rights chaos came to a head as well. A rape victim was stoned to death for adultery in an Islamist-controlled region. Buried up to her neck, thousands gathered at a soccer field to help execute her.

Perhaps extremists win when international powers stubbornly refuse to reach out to moderates. Would you rather see the US abandon a strictly ideological viewpoint, instead opening its eyes to nuanced reality, or does security require zero tolerance?

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