TresSugar

You Asked: Do I Stay or Do I Go?

DearSugar — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

Weeks after finishing college I landed a job for one of the world's biggest companies. It was incredible and 8 months on, I'm still pinching myself. However, the transition from the breezy student life, to the grueling work days where I get home well after 7:30 pm are starting to take their toll.

On top of this I have a boss who can't deal with stress and as a result takes it out on me. He expects so much of me and treats me in a way that makes me feel about 2 feet tall. I'm now dreading coming to work every morning and feeling miserable (which is having an affect on my
relationship.)

This is my first REAL job, so I don't know if I'm just being oversensitive. Is this normal? This is a HUGE opportunity, but the job itself isn't where I imagined myself. But I'm still so young and have a lot to learn. Do I stay or do I go?

--Overworked Olivia

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Overworked Olivia--

They don't call it "work" for nothing. Jobs can definitely be challenging, frustrating, time-consuming, and stressful at times, but if you are feeling miserable the entire time, something has to change. Hating your job and dreading going everyday isn't healthy for your soul. You can't live like this forever, even if it is "the opportunity of a lifetime."

Try to pin down what you can live with, and what you can't. If the long days are too much, is it possible to cut back on your hours, or do some work at home? If it's your stressed-out, inconsiderate boss that's putting you over the edge, do you think you could have a talk with him or possibly switch departments? Even though he is your boss, you've got to stand up for yourself. No one should be speaking to you disrespectfully, no matter how high up on the corporate ladder he or she is.

If everything combined is the problem, and you never imagined yourself at this kind of job anyway, why not take a leap toward the field you intended on? Trying out different jobs will give you varied skills, and will get you closer to figuring out what it is you really want to do. Good luck Olivia!

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Kissing Reduces Stress

DearSugar — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 10:00:00 -0800

It was great news when we learned that sex can reduce stress, but it turns out there's no need to get naked in order to ease your mind or your troubles - recent research shows that kissing is also a stress-reliever. When couples were asked to smooch for 15 minutes, there was a decrease in levels of the stress hormone, cortisol. Other couples who were asked to just hold hands, also had a decrease in cortisol, but kissing was much more effective.

The study also discovered that guys prefer sloppier kisses, which allows testosterone in his saliva to transfer to his partner as testosterone increases the sex drive in both men and women. So if you're having issues with your job, your sister, your roommate, or your finances, a little make-out or love-making session may be just the thing you need!

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How Do I Handle This Strip Club Situation?

Tres Community — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 06:00:15 -0800

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

First of all my husband and I have been married for half of a year now. He's in the Navy and just got deployed, but right before the deployment he was sent to Hawaii for one day. I dropped him off at the airport and it was so hard for me to let him go. He called from Hawaii and we talked for five minutes then he said he had to go and he would call back.

As I was checking our bank account to check on the bills I noticed he had paid to go in to some type of club. While crying my eyes out because of how much I already missed him and knowing he wasn't coming home any time soon, I waited for him to call back. When he finally did I got him to tell me the truth and it turned out to be a strip club. This was his first time going into a strip club. The problem is that I feel so offended and disrespected. I know I'm not unattractive, and I'm very open minded in our sex life. So to me it seems as if I'm not enough for him, and that he didn't care about how I feel about strip clubs. The fact that he was lusting over those girls makes me so angry and upset.

To see the rest, .

When we talked I was so mad and disappointed and couldn't stop crying. But after a while I realized that I've been told not to say anything negative or upsetting to him since he was going on deployment to a very stressful environment. I won't be able to talk to him at all while he's gone, I can only send emails but I can't confront him there either. So I had to pretend that I got over it and that I was OK, so he wouldn't feel bad and guilty. But in reality I feel so disgusted and can't take the thought of him wanting someone else. I'm alone and don't have any family here, this is our first deployment and I'm still trying to handle it. He made things so much worse for me, now I'm not just worried about his safety, but also at the thought of when he goes to a port he's going to cheat on me. I'm just hurt and feel resentment towards him, but for as long as he's out I have to pretend I'm fine and support him through the emails. I know some people might think I'm over reacting, but to me this is just like cheating.

There's lots of great stuff going on in our community - join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!

Lack of Communication With Husband After Layoff

Tres Community — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:00:00 -0800

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

My husband recently got laid off from his job. He is lucky because he was given 30 days to try and find a new position within the company before he's officially let go. He has a prospective job in another area of the company, but I am not sure where everything stands. He just won't communicate with me and let me know what's going on. It's very hard for me to be in the dark about whether or not he will have a job in a couple weeks, and it feels like he has completely closed off communication regarding this job situation.

When I ask if he's heard anything, he is always very vague and claims that he doesn't have any new information, but there have been a couple times when I have seen over his shoulder that he has gotten emails from the people involved with this potential job, so there must be some sort of news. How do I explain to him that behind left in the dark about our situation is really stressing me out?

There's lots of fun stuff going on in our community - join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!

Hump Day: How Can I Become Multi-Orgasmic?

TresSugar — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I keep hearing about women who can have 'multiple orgasms' and I can't figure out exactly what this means. Does it mean a woman who can have more than one orgasm in a night? One orgasm after another with little downtime? (Is that even possible? Most women are so sensitive after having an orgasm!) Anyway, if it exists, is there a way I can become multi-orgasmic?" To hear Dr. Glickman's response, read more

Part of the challenge in defining “multiple orgasms” is that different people use the term to mean different things. For some women, it means more than one orgasm during a single sex session, whether they’re 5 minutes or 30 minutes (or more) apart. For other women, it means one after another, without much time between them.

You’re right that many women are extra sensitive after an orgasm, but not everyone. In fact, some women find that they can just keep going, especially if they change what they’re doing. For example, someone might find that she can have an orgasm from clitoral stimulation and then switch to penetration for a second one. Or maybe she might have one orgasm from oral sex, take a break for a bit with something else to keep the passion up, and then go back to oral sex for a second orgasm. And there are women out there who don’t need a break after one orgasm before they start building towards a second one.

Not all women can become multi-orgasmic, but many women can. Some women find that their ability to be multi-orgasmic can change over time, too. So if it doesn’t happen for you now, don’t stress about it. You may find that in a few years, something changes and suddenly, it falls into place.

One really great place to look for more info on how to do it is Mantak Chia’s book The Multi-Orgasmic Woman. He approaches sex from the Taoist tradition, which works with sexuality as a form of energy that we can learn to channel, harness, and expand. If you’re familiar with energetic practices such as yoga, this perspective might be familiar. He has a book for men and one for male/female couples, too.

Another place you could look for information about this is Tantra. While most people only know about Tantra as a laundry list of sex positions from the Kama Sutra, there’s actually a lot more to it than that. Tantra is a set of practices that teach you to work with your sexual energy and it can help you expand your ability to experience pleasure, deepen intimacy, and have multiple orgasms. There are some good books like Urban Tantra and Tantric Sex for Women, as well as some DVDs.

In my experience, the best way to learn about Tantra is through experiential workshops because these are techniques that are much easier to understand when someone is demonstrating them. Most Tantra classes are fully-clothed and many are designed for people to come solo, while others are for couples. You can find out more about Tantra or look for workshop teachers on www.tantra.com.

One thing that I do want to be clear on: not everyone can become multi-orgasmic. If it doesn’t happen for you, there’s nothing wrong with you. I’ve seen a lot of people become very goal-oriented about it and they often end up sabotaging themselves because they’re not actually enjoying the sex that they’re having. So I encourage you to try it out and see what works for you, but don’t get so caught up in it that you forget to have fun. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Does Your City Stress You Out?

TresSugar — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 11:30:00 -0700

Your city's plummeting property values, high unemployment rate, extreme weather, or chronic traffic could potentially stress you out. Some metropolises have a perfect storm of frustrating factors that landed them on Forbes's list of America's Most Stressful Cities.

Coming in at number one is Chicago, thanks to the city's poor air quality, 11 percent unemployment rate, and falling home prices. Los Angeles comes next, then New York, Cleveland, and Providence, RI.

My current place of residence, San Francisco, ranks number six, but I beg to differ with its stressful status. Besides worrying about the next big earthquake, I find that my city's passable public transportation, moderate climate, and breathtaking views make me feel more relaxed.

What about you - does your city stress you out?

Group Therapy: My Boyfriend's Stress Is Stressing Me Out!!

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 03:00:00 -0800

My boyfriend works a pretty high stress job more than 60 hours a week. We moved in together a couple of months ago with his six year old son, and his stress keeps getting worse and worse and worse. He's so irritable that any little thing that annoys him will send him into a rage, including things that I do. He always talks with an attitude, makes rude comments to me, huffs around the house and generally tries to make me as miserable as he is. I know how much stress he's under so I try to help him out by babysitting his son whenever he needs me to, pretty much acting as his mother (giving him dinner, tucking him into bed, helping him with homework, etc), doing all of the house cleaning, taking care of the finances (I'm the only one with a bank account), making dinner, making sure he gets to go on fishing trips on his day off, etc.

I don't want to argue anymore - I just want him to be nice to me!! He said today, "Why do you always have to make my life more difficult?" Please help!! How can I lower his stress, or at least get him to react a different way?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Average Relationships Stress Men Out

TresSugar — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:00:00 -0700

The better a woman's love life, the less stress she feels at work. For men, it's not as simple. A new study out of Sweden revealed that men who say they're in good or bad relationships have less stress at work than those in "average" relationships.

The woman behind the study explains what she learned about men:

"When we talked to the men, they said that when it's in-between, you have to put more effort into it. You keep doing that until the relationship either becomes better or hopeless. When you get to that point, it doesn't really affect your health anymore."

It sounds like an effortless relationship is ideal for male anxiety levels: either it's so good, they don't have to do anything, or it's so bad, they don't care enough to do anything. As long as they don't have to give the relationship too much attention, they're feeling better.

Do you define an "average" relationship as one that requires effort? What do you think this study reveals about some men?

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Hump Day: Where's My G-Spot?

TresSugar — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:00:00 -0700

Today's Question:

"I have decent enough sex with my boyfriend, but I don't always have an orgasm. I've heard that if my G-spot is stimulated, not only will I have a better chance of having an orgasm, but that it will be more intense. Is this true? Where is the G-spot?"

To hear Dr. Glickman's answer, read more.

Let’s start with a little anatomy.

The G-spot is a relatively small patch of tissue that you can find by inserting a finger into the vagina and curving towards the belly button (upwards if you’re on your back). Many women report that the G-spot is much easier to find if they’re already turned on because it engorges with blood. In fact, some women and their partners find that the G-spot can go from impossible to find to quite prominent during arousal. So start off with something that definitely works for you and then try adding G-spot explorations.

The G-spot surrounds the urethra and some folks find that stimulating it can feel sort of like needing to go to the bathroom. You may find it helpful to go to the bathroom before starting out so that you’ll know that your bladder is empty. Also, some women have discovered that G-spot play can result in female ejaculation. While scientists disagree about female ejaculation, we do know that it’s not urine and is chemically similar to men’s prostatic fluid. This makes sense, since the G-spot and the prostate are quite similar. If you’re concerned about it, put a towel down first so you can relax and enjoy the ride.

As far as whether G-spot play will rock your world or not, I can’t make any promises. Some women adore it and would never choose to have sex without it. Others find it uncomfortable or say that it just doesn’t do anything for them. As always when it comes to sex, your mileage may vary so don’t get stressed out if it doesn’t do much for you.

OK, so how do you actually do G-spot play? First, it may be easier if your boyfriend is the one wielding the fingers. It can be a bit awkward to try to reach it yourself. Some popular techniques include the “come-here” motion, making circles, tapping, stroking, or the “windshield wiper” movement. It may also be more fun if he’s pleasuring your clitoris at the same time, perhaps with his other hand or his mouth. Or you could use a hand or a vibrator on your clit.

If you want to use a toy for the G-spot, try something with a curve or a prominent head since those shapes makes it easier to hit the spot. Here are a few popular ones. Or you might enjoy one of the ”Rabbit” style vibrators.

For more detailed information about the G-spot, I’m a big fan of the DVD The Expert Guide to the G-Spot as well as the book Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot.

If you’re looking for ways to increase your chances of having an orgasm during intercourse, you might find that some G-spot fun as a warm-up improves your odds. Even if G-spot play doesn’t result in an orgasm for you, if it increases your pleasure and arousal, that will probably make it easier to have an orgasm when doing something else. Or you could have a G-spot orgasm before having intercourse, if that works better for you. You could also see if using a vibrator or your fingers on your clitoris during sex does the trick. After all, 70 percent of women report that they need some clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, so you’d be in good company.

My Bridesmaids Stressed Me Out!

DearSugar — Fri, 04 May 2007 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I feel as though two of my bridesmaids gave me a lot of stress through everything leading up to my wedding. They didn't help with anything like the shower or bachelorette party. Everything that was expected from them (buying the dress, shoes, and getting their hair done) was a huge hassle for them, and they were constantly stressing me out over it and complaining about the price. This bothered me because they both work full time and don't pay rent. So, they probably have more money than me and I would never complain about this to them if they were getting married. I told them numerous times if them being in the wedding is too difficult or expensive then I would not be upset if they backed out of the commitment. This offended them both.

There's more. I originally told them they could bring guests. They both didn't know who to bring (one broke up with her boyfriend right before the wedding), so they waited until past the deadline was up to tell me their meal choices, stressing me out more. I told them repeatedly just not to bring anyone, but they were insistent about it. They joked around to my fiancé's parents about not being able to find dates. This made me feel stupid because his parents paid for the entire thing. The wedding was spectacular and afterwards I realized that it was wrong of them to act like they were doing me a favor and they should have felt honored to be there. Then the kicker is that neither of them (or their guests) gave us a wedding gift, not even a card. This upset me greatly.

These girls were really close friends of mine. Should I discuss these issues with them? I am not sure if it would do much good. I know it is rude to bring up the fact that they didn't bring gifts. Or should I lose them as friends, cut them out?

--Let Down Lucy

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Let Down Lucy--

First off, congrats on getting married! That's so exciting - so try not to let those two bridesmaids of yours put a damper on your happiness. Since they're not married themselves, they probably had no idea about how stressful planning a wedding was, and that a large part of their job was to help you out. Not getting a gift because they thought they spent enough money on the dress, shoes and whatnot is not an excuse. Or who knows - guests have up to one year to give gifts, so they could be working on it.

What's done is done, and being that you were such close friends with these girls, you should definitely talk to them about how you feel. You don't need to go over every little detail that upset you (since you can't do anything about it now), but just touch on the major things. Chances are they had no idea how much their actions and comments upset you, and talking about it could in turn bring you closer.

That being said, it still doesn't make up for the fact that they let you down on what was probably one of the most important events of your life. Maybe your friends were acting immaturely because they're in a different place in their lives than you are. If that's the case, you may find that you're naturally growing apart so you might need to work on developing a new kind of friendship with these girls. I hope it all works out for you Lucy.

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