TresSugar

Handle This: Your Boyfriend Wants a Stay-at-Home Wife

DearSugar — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 15:00:00 -0700

After a few great years together, you and your boyfriend have finally started talking more seriously about your future. You both want marriage and children, but it comes as surprise when he informs you that he expects his wife to run the household while he's at work.

You’re not against the idea of being a stay-at-home mom, but you currently like your job, and most of all you like the option of deciding what’s best for you. But he won’t budge, so how do you handle this?

Source

How Much Are You Worth?

DearSugar — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 09:00:00 -0800

Putting a price on things seems to be a theme this week. Yesterday I asked you how much you'd pay for an orgasm and today we're talking about the monetary worth of a housewife. As we all know, staying home and running the household is a full-time job and researches in the UK have estimated that the position of a housewife is valued at £30,000 ($60,000) a year.
According to the Daily Mail,

They broke down the costs according to the average wages paid to professionals for tasks such as getting children dressed and ready for school, feeding them, helping with homework, and getting them ready for bed.

Clearly all that work is no small feat, so ladies, if you're a stay-at-home mom and if you could name a price for your full-time job, what would you want your paycheck to look like?

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True Confession - I Like Being a Stay-at-Home Mom!

DearSugar — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 07:00:00 -0700

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.

"I hate that I have to defend my decision to be a stay-at-home mom. My friends and family think I just sit around and do nothing all day. They keep asking if I'm going to find another job, but I feel like I have the best job in the world! I have to make excuses to appease them but in turn I'm beginning to resent them. Can my friends and family be forgiven for not supporting my life choice?"

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Why Some Women Give Up Custody of Their Children

TresSugar — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 10:05:00 -0700

No matter how egalitarian people say they are, there's still an assumption that a woman's connection to her children is stronger - and perhaps more sacred - than a man's, and when a couple splits, she should naturally retain custody.

Rebekah Spicuglia understands the stigma of noncustodial motherhood all too well. She got pregnant when she was 18 and started taking classes at community college. Her husband, a restaurant worker who enjoyed staying at home and being around his family, didn't want to move when Spicuglia's educational ambitions landed her a spot at UC Berkeley. So she made the decision to move and leave her 3-year-old son Oscar with her husband. Now living in New York and divorced from Oscar’s father, she sees her son regularly and believes her decision was good for everyone involved. To hear what a psychologist has to say about the phenomenon and to weigh in yourself, read more.

Spicuglia joins the 30 percent of women in the US- over 2 million noncustodial mothers - who don't retain custody of their children after a divorce. If they are anything like Spicuglia, they may face judgment, hostility and disapproval.

Clinical psychologist Judith Sills explains why this is unfair and acknowledges that sometimes these decisions are best for the children, too. "The fact is," she says, "some good moms can protect their children best by recognizing someone else is the better parent . . . maybe they're emotionally overwhelmed; maybe to get financially on their feet; maybe because in a divorce, mom is desperate to leave the house, but she knows the kids need stability." The child's perception, she continues, has more to do with whether he or she has a stable, happy home than it does with the social norms that adults contend with.

How do you feel about women who decide to give up custody? Does it contradict your idea of what a "good mother" should do?

Adrageous: Flirty Girl Fitness

TresSugar — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 07:00:00 -0700

Why run on a boring treadmill when you can pretend to give a random sweaty dude a chair dance - and strengthen your quads?

With the Flirty Girl Fitness exercise DVD, even stay-at-home soccer moms will find their inner-stripper. One woman claims that with FGF, she lost two feet! I'm assuming she does not mean the ones she walks on.

You Asked: His Mother Is Trying to Control Him!

DearSugar — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 13:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been going out for four years; since I was 20. Despite working full time, he still lives at home with his mother who is very controlling, and in turn, he lets her treat him that way. The problem is he can't say no to her. She frequently makes plans for him and guilts him into staying home. It's gotten to the point where he doesn't have any friends he sees regularly besides me.

The other night we arranged to go out for dinner. When he got home from work, his mom had made him dinner because he forgot to tell her we had a date. Rather than saving the dinner she made for another day, he called and told me he changed his mind about going out and then he got mad at me for being inflexible when I got upset.

Clearly his mother is causing a rift in our relationship. It feels like she is trying to fight me for his attention all the time. This has been going on a long time now so I guess it is my own fault for putting up with it, but I don't think he will ever change. Do you think I should wait until he moves out or see if things change on their own? - Competing Courtney

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Competing Courtney,

First thing's first - talk to your boyfriend about how his actions affect you. He might be feeling pulled in two directions by the two women he loves most. So if he's not aware that he's hurting your feelings, he might just be trying to avoid hurting her's. Since your boyfriend has a full-time job, I think it's time he looks for a place of his own. I understand money is tight for almost everyone right now, but there are always options: roommates, a small studio, or a sublet.

Waiting for something to happen on its own isn't your best bet here, so voice your concerns and set some ground rules. If he's unwilling to make time for both of you, you'll need to decide if this rift is something you can tolerate. Good luck.

Source

Group Therapy: Should I Listen to My Parents?

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 03:00:00 -0700

Back in April I suffered a stroke, but I'm OK now, just at home recovering. I am 21 and have known my current boyfriend for a while, but we have dated seriously for about four months. Somehow my mom found out that I am having sex with him, and she called him and was angry. She had asked him on more than one occasion not to try anything with me. My boyfriend has always been concerned when we have had sex, saying that we should wait, but I told him that I was fine. My mom is worried that I might get pregnant and that my body can't handle that right now, and also that I would lose my health insurance.

Now my parents are telling me that I can't see my boyfriend and that he isn't right for me. Since I can't drive or leave the house, I can't see him at all. I don't know what to do. Should I listen to my parents and break up with him? Or should I stay with him? He's a US Marine and an all-around great guy, and I do love him. Does anyone have any advice?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Turn On or Turn Off? Stay-at-Home Dads

DearSugar — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 07:00:00 -0700

There's something incredibly sexy about a man that's good with kids. Perhaps that quality just pulls on my maternal heart strings, but I have a feeling I'm not alone on this one. Though they're not set in stone, many of the roles we play are dictated by society, and women being the ones who stay at home is one of them. But what about when the roles are reversed and Dad is the one who wants to stay at home with the kids while Mom focuses on her career? Of course every family dynamic is different, so tell me, are stay-at-home dads a turn on or a turn off?

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You Asked: I'm Stuck in the Middle

DearSugar — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My mother got divorced from her husband of 16 years, a year and a half ago. He claimed he didn't love her anymore, and my mother was left wounded and angry. Together they have a wonderful 12-year-old son, my half-brother, who now takes turns staying with each of them. Things are very bitter, and they mostly communicate through text messaging or through me and my brother - my mother feels too angry to have a more civilized relationship with him. I will admit that my step-dad was cold to her during the divorce, and I understand that she feels hurt, but at this point, I wish she would give in and work at making their relationship better.

I'm away from home in grad school, in a foreign country, extremely busy with my studies, so I mostly communicate with them via email. Yesterday my step-dad told me he has begun dating another woman. It sounds pretty serious. He told me my brother has met her and that they got along. I'm happy for him, but I don't think my mom knows about this. She has been dating herself, but I just know this will make her angry and she might start some kind of power war with her ex through me, or worse, my brother.

If I wait to tell her, my brother might end up blurting it out (what a heavy secret for a twelve year old to have to carry around). So I think it's best if I tell her. How do I go about this in a manner that is gentle? How can I persuade her not to involve me or my brother in the anger she will most likely feel?

- Family Drama Dannika

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Family Drama Dannika,

I'm very sorry to hear that you and your brother are trapped in the middle of your parents' issues. It's really not fair to either of you, and it makes an already difficult situation that much worse. You're right; your brother shouldn't have to carry the burden of this information, and I'm sorry that you do. Your mother is obviously struggling with her own issues, but she's still the parent. If I were you, I would be direct and simple, and certainly don't play into her drama.

If she needs someone to vent to, it should be a therapist or an outside friend, and don't be afraid to tell her so. You can support your mother and recognize her anger without allowing her to place her emotional burden on your shoulders. When it comes down to it, you can't control how your mother reacts to this news or behaves in the future, but you can be a person of strength for your brother. Talk openly with him, and above all else, make sure he knows he can talk to you. I hope things get easier soon.

Source

Am I "overreacting" or am I allowed to feel this way?

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 04:53:43 -0800

I'm 22 now, and I'm as depressed as ever. I lost my dad when I was 6, but I'm still mourning him, and I have no one to talk to about it. It seems like it was so long ago that I don't think people understand why I'm still upset about it. As a child, I looked up to my dad, he was my hero, my life, and when I lost him, I felt that I lost my world...My family wouldn't let me visit him in the hospital, and left me at home when he died. They even videotaped his death and let me watch it. They didn't tell me why he died, or how, I eventually figured it out by myself. I grew up with 5 sisters and 3 brothers...I became an aunt when I was 5 and I started baby-sitting when I was 10. My family only paid attention to me only when they had to, like when I did something wrong. I grew up with no self-esteem, constantly doubting myself. My sister had 7 kids with a man that practically molested me and my sisters, but I refuse to remember what he did to me...I couldn't be a kid, I was busy baby-sitting and paying for my sisters' mistakes while they went out to live their lives like women with no children. They made me grow up too quickly, and gave me responsibilities that I should've never had as a kid. Even when I went out, I had the wrong kind of friends. I wanted the love, care, and attention that my family never gave me so badly that I became friends with anybody, just so I wouldn't be alone. I even had friends that lied to me, betrayed me, disliked me, and wanted to beat me up. My mom didn't pay much attention to me, she didn't discipline me...I ended up raising myself emotionally...I did well in school, was on the honor roll, was in a Gifted and Talented Education program, participated in plays and recitals...but still was unnoticed. Everyone made me cry, but I wasn't allowed to, because crying was "stupid." So I hid it, to this day, I don't cry in front of people, I just hold it in. That was all just in elementary school.
Then, I had a dream of acting, but got shot down hard by my family, telling me I wasn't good or pretty ...and my self-esteem went even lower. I got blamed for getting sick, I got criticized for not being smart enough. I ended up with a best friend that treated me like dirt only because I let my family treat me like dirt. I ended up with a mentor somehow, and my family didn't know or care to know what that was or why. A boy I liked wanted to make out with me, but he didn't like me, so I refused, that's why to this day, I haven't had my first kiss yet. I made it a goal and belief to only kiss my boyfriend...In spite of what went on at home, the emotional abuse, which is worse than the physical...crying myself to sleep at night...I made it a goal to come out stronger and a good person in the end. I promised my dad that I would be a person that he would be proud of...make the right choices...which explains not giving in to peer pressure, not doing drugs, not having sex until marriage, not drinking until I was 21 (I don't even like the taste of alcohol anyways). I was always and good and nice person, no matter how people treated me. I made it my life's goal to turn out exactly the opposite of how my family is...they were jugdemental, sometimes racist, critical, mean, negative, dishonest...and plenty of other things...I had no female role models. My sisters ended up with kids with men that were abusive to them, they ended up letting my mom take care of their children while they lived single lives that I should be living...dating, clubbing...if I chose to...My mom had her favorites, and I wasn't one of them...she didn't even go to my 6th or 8th grade graduation, when we lived down the street from my schools. I hid my home life from people at school, and hid my school life from my family...when both weren't even great.
Then comes high school...just the normal honors classes and crush on a boy...and finally finding the right kind of friends...school was great...Home on the other hand, not so much. I was never so suicidal in my life, because my family keeps getting worse. My mom assumed that somehow I'm a girl that liked to dress provacatively and go out with my friends to meet guys...she wouldn't let me go out with my friends because she thought I'd be like my sisters. She put my older sister on a pedestal when she constantly lied to my mom's face and snuck out of the house to see her boyfriends. I only hung out with my friends at their houses and she still restricted me. The whole time my mom was suspecting me of partying, drinking, and boys...my sister was doing it behind her back. I focused on doing well in school, and staying out of trouble at school. I respected and feared authority figures, I hated getting in trouble, so I followed the rules. I never was late to school, I never got detention or suspended or Saturday school, I didn't even know who the Principal was. School was perfect for me...until my mom made us move and I had to transfer high schools during junior year...It was hard for me to adjust, since it took me so long to find the right friends, that would love me in spite of my family. I ended up talking to a counselor that told me I had depression mostly because of my suicidal thoughts and attempts...so she called my house because of her legal obligations...only to have my sister say, "She's just trying to get attention, because she doesn't like being at that school." My counselor couldn't believe someone could say that. I later got on track at school and graduated at honors...but still letting my home life get to me...and barely graduating. No one knew how depressed I was, I was just always so "cheerful and outspoken," I was two different people...I had to hide my sadness from everyone, cuz in my family, we don't talk about feelings and we're not supposed to talk to anyone else about it if it involves the family. In spite of all that, I'm still so dependent on my family...financially...so I'm stuck, I don't know how to take care of myself physically, cuz they took care of that, sometimes.
By age 20, I ended up being a foster parent for my 7 nieces and nephews...since my sister got them taken away from her for the 2nd time. Six months into it, they drove me crazy, and I would break down in tears from the stress, so I had to put them back into foster care...and everyone hated me for it. My mom was mad because I couldn't care for kids the way she cared for us, food, clothing, shelter was what she thought we only needed to survive...which is partly true. I couldn't let those kids grow up in my family...as a child, I was hoping, praying, and dreaming I was adopted, and that my real family would save me from this horrible one. I had to live with a friend for a while, since I had no one to turn to.
I find myself wanting and needing the love and attention and care I never got growing up, but people telling me how needy I am. I don't have great friends, they've hurt and turned their backs on me, but that doesn't stop me from making friends and meeting new people. I hold on to fairy tales and the hope of a happily ever after. I cling to tv shows since they're the only constant things in my life, and when I need someone, they're always there for me. TV practically raised me. I have friends, yet I'm still so alone, because I'm too nice and too trusting. I surround myself with people I would do anything for but can't show me if they care. So much bad stuff has happened to me that I'm afraid to do anything. I'm afraid those obstacles will keep on coming and I don't want to do it on my own. Everytime my life starts looking up, something happens to bring it back down...I know it happens to everyone...but I don't even remember the last time I was actually happy...or when I laughed to just laugh instead of to stop from crying. Being me, being a good person isn't hard...it's being me in this world that is...I'm still so open, so trusting, so caring, so nice...and I can't change it, because it's who I am, and I like who I am, I just don't like getting hurt for it. I still wear my heart on my sleeve, still put myself out there, but I feel so hopeless with my life. I feel like I can't move forward...like I'm being held back. I'm still depressed, I feel so lonely, I stay up all night, or sometimes not even sleep, I get so stressed that I get myself sick...I feel so hopeless, and no one seems to understand. I get up, but I feel like life keeps knocking me down like it wants me to stay down...Like the saying, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." I'm a hopeless romantic that just can't seem to find love and will never settle...a grieving daughter that can't seem to let go of the father she never stopped loving...a stubborn daughter that tries to feel useful and worth something to a mother that will never notice...a big sister and aunt that just wants to make things right for the next generation...a little sister that wants to prove that she will turn out fine after avoiding all their footprints...a decent friend that will take care of everyone whether or not they take care of her...