TresSugar

Tough Question No. 4: When Are You Going to Start a Family?

DearSugar — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 07:30:00 -0800

Is it just me or do most parents crave grandchildren? If you're married or at a point in your life where a baby makes sense, chances are your family will start prying this Thanksgiving. Having kids is a very personal decision, but loved ones certainly know how to lay on the pressure, so check out my tips on how to answer tough question number four! Click here to read more.

If you're not ready to be with child, the state of our economy is a great excuse. Tell your inquisitive family members that you're waiting until things get more stable before trying.
If kids are in your future, reassure them that you're going to start a family eventually, but you want to enjoy the freedom of being childless for a little longer - they've got to understand that!
If you're actively trying but have yet to conceive, don't let them in on your secret because they'll just continue to ask the same question until they get the answer they're looking for. Dodge it completely and tell them you're thinking about trying in the next year - that will buy you some time.
If you're newly pregnant but not ready to tell anyone yet, get ready to deliver an Oscar-worthy performance!

For those of you who've had to answer this question before, what route worked best for you?

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Would You Ask a Friend to Father Your Child?

DearSugar — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 11:00:00 -0700

Having a successful date is hard enough these days, so when you're ready to have kids but don't have a man in your life, it might be time to ask your best guy friend to father your baby. According to a new study in the London Times, more than half of the women surveyed - 56 percent to be exact - admitted to considering asking a male friend to be their baby's daddy if they couldn't find the right partner by a certain age. The survey also notes that two-thirds of women have concerns about their fertility, and surprisingly so do 26 percent of men. While having a baby is sure to be on many people's brains, both men and women in Britain are so concerned about it that they'd actually reconsider staying with their partner if they were unable to procreate.

For many, the preferred way to start a family would be with someone you're in a committed, loving relationship with, but tell me ladies, would you ever consider asking a male friend to be the father of your baby if you were unlucky in love?

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Do Tell: Do You Still Date For Fun After a Certain Age?

DearSugar — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 11:00:00 -0700

When you reach a certain age, it's only human to think more seriously about your future in relation to the dating game. If getting married and having kids is of interest to you, many women are of the mindset that time is of the essence. Sure, dating is fun, but if there's no real connection, is there a point of going through the motions with someone you don't inevitably see yourself with? Though I believe you learn from each experience, I completely understand that mentality - you don't want to miss out on meeting Mr. Right when you're wasting time dating Mr. Right Now! I curious to know what you all think on this issue, so do tell, when you reach a certain age, is dating for fun no longer of interest to you?

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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Break Up With the Love of My Life?

DearSugar — Sat, 10 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Stuck Sasha need your help. She's found the man of her dreams, but he's not ready to make a commitment. While he says that he wants to settle down one day, she's not sure if she can trust such a vague promise. Should she hold out for the love of her life to one day be ready, or should she cut her losses and hope to find another man who's more stable for her future?
Dear Sugar,
I have been with my current boyfriend for one year. I'll start off by saying he is someone I can really see myself marrying. We have a wonderful, loving relationship. He is one of the most trustworthy, caring, and dependable individuals I have ever met. Our sex life is simply amazing, and we share many of the same passions. I am in my mid twenties and he is seven years older than me. He is an established musician and was recently away on tour, which left me a lot of time to myself to think. I started to get this anxious feeling about "where this is going." I know that we haven't been together very long in the grand scheme of things, but I started to get very worried about our future. Since the early months of our relationship, he has made it very clear that he does not anticipate being financially or emotionally ready to get married and have children within the next five years. Since I am only three years out of college, I hadn't even been thinking about settling down, so this declaration was never an issue. However, while he was gone, it really made me start to panic. I started to wonder if he will ever be ready to settle down. His music is his passion and I would never want to take that away from him, but he just seems so content constantly traveling and networking that I don't see him wanting to settle down with me - even after five years!

The dilemma this creates for me is that in five years, I'll be in my thirties and ready to have a husband and a family. I'm afraid that if I stay with him, I will end up with a man who won't commit, and I will have wasted my chance to find love in my 20s. I've tried to talk to him about this, but he stands by his decision. He says that he loves me, and that he thinks he will eventually have a family, but he can't promise anything. He's a free spirit and says that he has no idea what his life holds. He says he wants to be with me, but he understands if I'm not willing to take a gamble on my future. This is in no way an issue of trust - I have never trusted a man more than I trust him. He is not the type that would ever cheat - he is a loving, honest man, which is why he won't make me a promise he can't keep. What should I do? Gamble with my ultimate goal of having a husband and children in order to stay with my perfect guy or cut my losses and try to move on while I still have the chance?

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Where Do You Stand: Owning a Pet Together Before Having Kids Together?

DearSugar — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 16:00:00 -0700

It's a common notion that couples should first raise a pet (a dog, a cat, or any animal that needs constant love and attention) before having kids. While I see the importance in making sure you're ready to take on the responsibility of caring for someone who relies on you, I've never looked at this popular step as a requirement before starting a family. Sure, it seems like a natural progression, but where do you stand on owning, loving, and caring for an animal before having babies? Is it a necessity for you or do you not understand the hoopla surrounding this common practice?

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The View Ladies Have a Case of Inappropriate Giggles

TresSugar — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 16:00:02 -0800

Sofía Vergara, the young, Latina wife on Modern Family, went on The View today. Things got off to an awkward enough start when Joy asked the Colombian actress, "So you really talk like that?" but then things got worse. Like rape worse. The hosts remarked on how young she is to have an 18-year-old son, and Sherri joked that Sofía must have had him when she was 12." Then Sofía took the joke much, much further saying, "No, no, 13. I was raped." What?! Silence. Now let's all laugh and make it go away. So they did, and Barbara steered the conversation into the less-felony-ish waters of motherhood.

In all fairness, I don't think I could've handled this much better. Obviously, it was nervous laughter from bewilderment and embarrassment. But what a clip it makes!

Très Cool! Babies Cry in Their Native Language

TresSugar — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 02:00:00 -0800

I've always found it fascinating that dogs "bark" in different languages. Though we say "ruff ruff" in English, that same noise is expressed as "ouah, ouah" in French. Now here's something even cooler: German researchers have started to think that babies' wails sound different depending on what language their parents speak.

The scientists observed 60 babies born to families speaking French and German and found that the infants could be absorbing their parents' accents from inside the womb. In the last three months of pregnancy, babies have already begun to memorize sounds, and based on the analysis of the babies' cry "melodies," the sounds mapped closely to the parents' accents:

The French newborns cried with a rising "accent" while the German babies' cries had a falling inflection.

Writing in the journal Current Biology, they say the babies are probably trying to form a bond with their mothers by imitating them.

The findings suggest that unborn babies are influenced by the sound of the first language that penetrates the womb.

Fascinating, right? Now I want to hang out with a big international gang of babies and see if their cries all sound different. Wait, that means being trapped in a room with a bunch of crying babies - nevermind!

Do You Like the Holidays?

TresSugar — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 09:00:00 -0800

The weather in San Francisco has been so sunny and warm lately that it's strange to think the holiday season is upon us. Now that Halloween has passed, we can expect to see decorations all around reminding us that we need to make plans for Thanksgiving and eventually start our holiday gift shopping.

Of course, the holidays aren't all about entertaining and shopping - ideally they're about spending quality time with family and friends, eating delicious dishes, and enjoying our other favorite festive traditions. Do you think we're about to begin (perhaps prematurely) the most wonderful time of the year?

Source: Flickr User Jybet

Ask a Party Planner: Should I Date Outside My Religion?

TresSugar — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

This week, a party planner offers advice to a woman unsure about a new love interest. After you read her answer, be sure to check out our Group Therapy group where I found this question.

Today's Question:

I'm a single 32-year-old woman and I am under immense pressure to get married from my family and community. I have been single for two years since my last relationship, and four months ago I met this guy and started dating him. We quickly got close and we really care for each other. He wants me to be his girlfriend now, however there a few issues with us - he is only 28 and from another religion. If this goes anywhere, then we are sure to face opposition from both our families. We are from cultures where our families mean a lot to us.

We have talked about this being a long-term relationship, but we have yet to figure out if we will end up married since it's obviously too early. I'm wondering if I should date other guys while we figure this out. I really don't want to, but my friends warn me to not put all my eggs in one basket, especially when he is four years younger than me. I also worry that our religions will come between us in the future.

What should I do? Date other guys, or be his girlfriend and see this through?

Signed, Unsure

To see the party planner's answer, read more.

Dear Unsure,

It seems like there are two issues here: first, his age, and second, your religions. Let's discuss.

I think you should not worry about his age. Twenty-eight is old enough to be in a serious, committed relationship if that's what he wants. Like you said, it's early in the relationship, so you can't predict whether you two are going to get married. But there is only one way to find out - by dating him exclusively.

As for the religion issue: this is something to seriously consider. But I think you need to figure out if you're willing to date someone with a different background - is it worth it to you, not your family, to work through the inevitable obstacles (like choosing how to celebrate holidays, or how to raise kids)? As for your family, I think that they will be more supportive than you think. If you're happy, they should be happy for you too. And you say this guy really values his family, so I think it's great that you found someone who thinks his family is important - just like you do.

If you really like this guy, it's worth giving it a chance. Good luck.

Signed,
A party planner

Dear Poll: Have Most of Your Friends Started Families Already?

DearSugar — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 07:30:00 -0700

Starting a family is an incredibly exciting time in one's life, and once you hit a certain age, it can feel like the marriage/pregnancy bug is contagious. So whether you were the first to do it or not, tell me, have most of your friends started families already?

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