TresSugar

Dear Poll: Who Is the Bed Hog in Your Relationship?

DearSugar — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 15:00:00 -0700

There's usually one in every relationship - a bed hog! It can be funny and kind of cute every once in a while, but it can also be irritating and very disruptive when you're trying to get a good night's sleep. I don't move very much throughout the night so I've never been called one, but tell me ladies, who is the bed hog in your relationship?

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Which Comes First? Sleeping in the Same Bed or Sex

DearSugar — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 09:00:00 -0800

Sometimes when you meet someone, there is so much passion between you that you can't help but rip each other's clothes off and hop into bed. Then other times, the relationship starts off slow and sweet, and while you may hop into bed together, you end up just cuddling under the covers. So what usually happens first when you start seeing someone?

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This or That: Snorer or Bed Hog?

DearSugar — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Though you're not even close to living together, you've recently kicked up the amount of nights you stay with your boyfriend. At first, perhaps because you were so excited about sleeping over, things seemed nearly perfect, but you haven't gotten a good night's sleep in weeks. Would it be worse if he . . .

This: Has a terrible snoring problem? It starts the second his head hits the pillow and then continues on and off throughout night. The worst part is even if you’re able to fall asleep, his loud, nasal snore manages to wake you up.

Or . . .

That: Constantly pushes you out of bed? Every time you wake up, you’re hanging from the edge of the bed and he’s sprawled across the middle with all the sheets! It’s all the more frustrating because he makes you feel like you’re not even there.

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This or That: His House or Yours?

DearSugar — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 16:00:00 -0700

After a few months of serious dating, you and your boyfriend have moved into the staying-over-nearly-every-night phase. Things have actually been going exceptionally well relationshipwise, though you have noticed a few weird things on his part. Would it be worse if . . .

This: He just doesn’t seem to want you staying at his place, so you only stay at yours? Truth be told, you’ve never even seen the inside of his apartment, which only piques your curiosity (and concern).

Or . . .

That: He practically refuses to stay at your place even for a night? He claims he’s only comfortable at his place, but he doesn't seem to care that it's inconvenient for you.

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What Are Your Thoughts on the Love Mattress?

DearSugar — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:00:00 -0800

Are you a cuddler? I didn't used to be, but I love cuddling now. It makes me feel so much more connected and there's nothing like waking up in the middle of the night with my boyfriend's arms wrapped around me! While the idea of sleeping in his nook sounds dreamy, it can be incredibly uncomfortable for him if his arm is constantly falling asleep or getting sore from the amount of weight on it throughout the night. If slack arm is a problem in your relationship, ladies, you're in luck! Mehdi Mojtabvi has developed the Love Mattress which prevents limp arm and abnormal pressure on your muscles throughout the night.
The polyurethane-injected foam strips are placed in the middle of the bed to offer room for your arms, shoulder, and feet so you can have a pressure-free, good-night's sleep while cuddling all night long! Once it's fully assembled, a normal fitted sheet fits right on top. Even though this great invention is not yet on the market, it's a novel idea if you ask me, but what do you all think? Would your sleeping habits benefit from something like this?

Couples Who Clean Together, Sleep Together

TresSugar — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 15:00:00 -0700

I recently went to my friend's bachelorette party and got her the book Porn For Women as a gag gift. The PG porn book suggests that women get turned on by men doing things like vacuuming, folding clothes, or making dinner.

But according to a new study, seeing your spouse do household chores might actually be an aphrodisiac - and not just for women. The study revealed that the more housework a husband or wife does, the more likely they are to have sex with their spouses.

Many of the participating couples reasoned that showing an interest in household work - defined as cleaning, preparing meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, driving family members around, shopping, yard work, maintaining cars, and paying bills - demonstrates a greater willingness to invest in shared interests. It's a symbol of teamwork and commitment. One husband told researchers that sharing chores reflects a "willingness to hold my wife's needs and wants on par with my own." He sounds like a keeper.

Do you do and your significant other split up the household chores? Has it led to a better sex life?

Ask an Older Woman: Help! My Friend's With a Married Man

TresSugar — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 06:00:00 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's question: One of my good friends has been seeing a married man for about a year. He also just happens to be her boss. When we get together, she bombards me with the details of their relationship. He tells her he's never been happier, and that he'll leave his wife for her soon (yeah, we've heard that one before!) and she seems to believe him. My problem with this whole thing is that not only am I sick of listening to her, and of course could tell her so, but I've lost respect for her. Is it wrong to break up with a friend who's doing things I find morally reprehensible? Is there anything I can do to get through to her that what she is doing is horrible for her, not to mention this man's wife?

Signed, Confused Friend.

To hear what an older woman has to say, read more
Dear Confused Friend,

Ahh, the folly of youth. For every bad relationship I bored my friends with, I in turn listened to details about men (or women) they were with who didn't deserve them. It's part of being a friend.

My best advice to you is to be honest with your friend. You don't mention if you've told her how you feel, or if you did, how she reacted. If you haven't, now is the time to start. Tell her you care about her, but you think that contributing to cheating is morally messed up, and that in the end she's probably just going to get hurt. (I guess "the other woman" sometimes ends up with the guy, but who wants to end up with a cheater?) Also, sleeping with your married boss? Pretty dumb. Do other people in her office know? This is not good for her professional life either. I'd tell her that, too, although it's hard to imagine an adult who doesn't know this.

If you really like this friend and this is the only thing she's done that makes you question her character, ride it out and hope she comes to her senses. There's only so much advice we can give people. If you've told her how you feel and she continues with this affair, that's her decision. If she steers you toward this topic when you hang out, just let her know you don't feel comfortable listening to it anymore.

Sometimes, though, if friends do sketchy things, those acts are a window into the rest of their sketchy selves. I had a friend who not only cheated on her husband once, but throughout their marriage, and I began to notice that her behavior towards him mirrored her behavior towards me and everyone else. She was selfish, narcissistic and unable to ever admit fault. We'd had fun partying together when we were younger, but as we grew older, I realized I needed to respect my friends. After a blowout fight when she said horrible things to me, I took it as my cue to get out, and I dumped her.

You're in a tricky situation, but honesty is the best policy. If you can't be honest with her, maybe you aren't really great friends to begin with, in which case slowly turning down her invitations to hang out and discuss him should send her a message. Good luck!

Where Do You Stand? Sleeping Together, Literally

DearSugar — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 12:00:00 -0700

When we talk dating, there's a lot to say about first times - having sex, saying I love you, and even meeting the parents. It makes sense since those are all significant steps in a relationship and mark deepening intimacy. So what about lying down in bed with one another and going to sleep?

I know some may not agree, but in my opinion, the act of sleeping with each other is incredibly intimate. Like sex and saying "I love you," waking up next to someone in the morning can run the gamut between incredibly satisfying and panic inducing. Thus, I treat this “first” just as seriously as the others. But what do you think? Am I making too big of a deal? Where do you stand when it comes to just sleeping together?

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Group Therapy: Are We Just Sleeping Together?

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 14:00:00 -0800

About two months ago, I met a guy at a bar who happens to be in the same graduate program as me, but he's a few years older. He found my email address and we've been in constant contact for the past eight weeks but here's my problem - we hang out about once a week, we're usually drunk and end up sleeping together but we talk every single day and he calls me 'hun' and 'babe' as if I were his girlfriend. Whenever we hang out, I'm always the one making the effort to go to his apartment, or meet him at a bar, or go meet him and his friends wherever they are. I feel like I'm chasing around this guy who isn't making any effort other than calling me 'babe' every night via text-message.

I'm nervous to bring up how I feel because I don't want to make a big deal out of it if he just considers this a casual sex thing, but at the same time, I don't want to waste my time with someone who won't potentially become a boyfriend. What should I do?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Book Bag: The Kiss Gives Insight Into Mackenzie Phillips

TresSugar — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 16:00:00 -0700

Since revealing her dark family secret to the public, Mackenzie Phillips has described the period after her father molested her at 18 as "consensual." And although her father was a "damaged guy" as she said on the Today show recently, Phillips also said, "I believe I have some accountability for what went down afterwards."

It's this taboo area that writer Kathryn Harrison explores in her disturbing and beautifully written memoir, The Kiss, about a four-year "affair" she had with her father with whom she reconnected at age 20. With spare and unsensationalistic language, Harrison helps the reader understand how inadequate the word "consent" is when a child is involved sexually with a parent, even when she's reached adulthood. To hear about other insights The Kiss provides, read more.

Harrison's parents divorced when she was a baby, and she was raised by her grandparents after her mother left her at 6 without leaving an address or phone number. Even though they eventually reconnected, Harrison had a strained relationship with her and describes her in the book as narcissistic.

When she was in college, her father, who had become an ordained minister, contacted her, and she, her mother, and father spent a week together at her mother's apartment. It was when Harrison drove him to the airport that he first kissed her in a nonparental way. "In years to come," she writes, "I'll think of the kiss as a kind of transforming sting, like that of a scorpion: a narcotic that spreads from my mouth to my brain." For four years after that, they had a sexual relationship.

Many people may think that Mackenzie Phillips, in "consenting" to sleep with her father as an adult, is as much to blame as her father or that she forfeits her right to our sympathy because she was not a child when this happened to her. By taking us into the mind of a vulnerable young woman, Harrison helps us understand that no matter what age someone is when a parent is inappropriately sexual, that sexual relationship is always embedded in an abuser/victim dynamic. Victims of incest can come to sympathize with and love their abusers - like kidnap victims with Stockholm Syndrome. Like Harrison, Phillips probably took the love her father gave her for a time, no matter in what poisonous form it was given.