TresSugar

You Asked: Is He Off Limits?

DearSugar — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 11:44:48 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My sister and her ex boyfriend broke up over five years ago and since then, he and I have remained friends. Once or twice he has alluded to liking me, but nothing ever happened between us. The subject has come up again, and he asked me to dinner tomorrow night. I adore him as a friend and could see that friendship growing into something more, so should I say something to my sister or just wait to see what comes of this date? - Going on a Date Deborah

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Going on a Date Deborah,

Without knowing any of the details about your sister's breakup or where she is in her life now, I would advise you to be honest with her about your feelings for this guy. Even if things are up in the air, I'm sure she'd appreciate your candor - wouldn't you want her to be forthright if the roles were reversed?

You don't have to go into too much detail, especially since nothing has happened yet, but the more honest you are, the easier this situation will be for everyone involved. Good luck; I hope she takes the news well.

Source

You Asked: Can I Still Have a Relationship With Them?

DearSugar — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 12:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

When I was younger, around 14 or so, I got along great with my sister, who is 18 years my senior. She was my role model and we always had so much fun together. After I graduated from college and moved back home, my sister employed me as her babysitter. She became increasingly lazy and had me do things for her simply because she had a zit on her face or was just too lazy to do it herself. More and more I began to resent her because she rarely showed true appreciation for the things I did for her. With the help of my boyfriend and friends, I started to see that she was simply using me and not even treating me like a sister anymore, but almost like a slave. She paid me horrible wages and became a person I didn't want to be around.

I finally stood up to her - a huge shock to me and a very proud day. She was disrespecting our mother and I told her I had finally had enough of her trash-talking our family, not appreciating me, and taking me for granted. That was two months ago. She has a 16-year-old daughter and a 4-year-old autistic son. I love them very much and it pains me to not be able to see them. However, I recently contacted my niece and snuck over to her house while my sister was gone so I could spend time with them. I miss her family terribly and the sister I once knew, so my question is, do I contact her and further explain why I finally stood up for myself? Or do I wait for her to come to me? I just can't decide what to do since I feel as though I'm owed an apology. Also, how can I go about having a relationship with my niece and nephew who I love very much? I am past the point of truly forgiving my sister, but this tension is having an incredibly negative impact on my life. Please help! - Taken Advantage of Tina

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Taken Advantage of Tina,

Let me first say I commend you for standing up to your sister. I know that took a lot of courage to do what you did so you should be very proud of yourself! If forgiving your sister is not in the cards for you right now, that's your decision, but in order to keep the peace in your family and in order to maintain a relationship with your niece and nephew, you're going to have to learn to tolerate her. You don't need to be best friends again, but you'll have to be civil, and hopefully she'll follow suit. I also advise you to stop sneaking around behind her back. I understand you want to see her kids, but your sister is bound to feel violated and angry if she were to find out that she was lied to.

While I agree that she owes you an apology for treating you the way she did, chances are you won't be getting one anytime soon. Your sister sounds very self-righteous, so instead of letting her childish behavior get the best of you, be the bigger person and go to her. I know it's frustrating to have to be the older sister in the situation, but if it means easing the friction between you two and having a relationship with her kids, it'll be worth it. It's pretty clear that you two need to have a sisterly heart to heart, so after talking everything out, I hope you can work towards strengthening your relationship again. Good luck to you.

Source

Sunday Confessional: I've Been a Selfish Sister

DearSugar — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

I'm 28 and the youngest of three children. My siblings and I had a challenging childhood; our dad disappeared from our lives when we were little, and our mother suffered from severe depression. My sister, the eldest, took on the responsibilities of taking care of my brother and me, even though she was only a few years older than us. As early as middle school I started to rebel, and I ended up getting into drugs and a series of abusive relationships later on.

In the process I also managed to completely alienate my sister. She was always there to help me, and I was always pushing her away. Some years ago, I did the unthinkable and hooked up with her boyfriend at the time - a man she was very in love with. She was destroyed, but she said that she knew it wasn't me. She told me she'd let it go if I checked into rehab, which she offered to pay for. After much begging, I agreed to go. But within a few weeks I left, and ended up costing my sister thousands of dollars. By that point she'd finally hit her limit, and told me she wanted me out of her life.

It's been five years and we haven't spoken, though I'm still in touch with my brother. I've cleaned up my life significantly, and I have a stable job for the first time in my life. My sister recently had her first baby, and I'm desperate to see them. But when I told my brother I was going to reach out to her, he told me not to because he doesn't think she'll be willing to see me. I know I've done some bad things, and I know I'm still imperfect, but don't you think my own sister should be able to forgive me?

Source

DearSugar Needs Your Help: My Sisters Are Unsupportive

DearSugar — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Feeling Alone Faith need your help. She's planning her dream wedding, and her sisters are too jealous to support her. She's feeling terribly alone during this happy time in her life and doesn't know how to make things better. Do you have any tips for her?
Dear Sugar,

I'm having a destination wedding soon, and while I'm extremely excited, I'm also upset and let down. To make a long story short, I have two very jealous, very self-centered sisters. My one sister thinks that the sun rises and falls with her, and she is a self-proclaimed "princess." My other sister is jealous too and I've never trusted her.

I helped both of my sisters immensely during their wedding planning, but now that it's my turn, they can't be bothered. They've even decided not to come. Instead of supporting me, all they do is sit around and talk badly about me. Sometimes my mother calls and tells me the hurtful things they are saying and it breaks my heart. For the first time in my life I'm in a good relationship and am incredibly happy, but they are too begrudging to be a part of it. I am a single mom who has struggled my entire life up until meeting my fiance, and it seems like the better I do personally, the less family support I have.

I don't want their behavior to overshadow my special day, so how do I deal with my sisters who feel too threatened to come to my wedding? And, what type of relationship should I expect to have with them after the wedding? My friends say I should be happy they are not coming, but they are my family and I'm incredibly hurt. - Feeling Alone Faith

Source

Sunday Confessional: I Hurt My Sister Out of Jealousy

DearSugar — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for just under three years now. It's been a difficult process to say the very least. The worst of it came about nine months ago when I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. I was so happy to be pregnant that the miscarriage was absolutely devastating. For weeks afterwards I was depressed and felt hopeless.

During this time, my sister, who is a couple of years younger than me, broke the news that she was pregnant. The father of the baby had basically told her that he wanted nothing to do with the baby. She told me in a very gentle and respectful way, and initially, I tried not to get upset, but when she started to tell me how she was scared about having a baby and being a mother, I completely lost it. I turned on her, called her horrible names, said she would make a bad mother, and basically went out of my way to hurt her. She left my house in tears.

Even though I knew I was being stubborn, I didn't make any efforts to apologize to her. Although it devastated my parents, I refused to speak to my sister or have anything to do with her unborn child. It took months of personal healing to realize that her pregnancy wasn't any kind of personal attack on me. I realized how selfish I had been and unkind. About a week ago, I tried to reach out to her and apologize - she's in her eighth month now - and she basically slammed the door in my face. Now, I don't know what to do. Should I be forgiven for my terrible behavior?

Source

You Asked: My Sister Told Me She Was Raped

DearSugar — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 14:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

Last week my sister told me that she'd invited a guy to her house to watch movies and that he forced himself on her. She said he ripped her clothes off and then forced penetration and - long story short - that he'd raped her and, by the sound of it, pretty violently. She told me that he made her promise not to tell anybody.

I told her I would take her to the police, but she refused because she wasn't sure about the exact details. My sister later told my parents that I was making it all up and that she hadn't said anything about being raped. I went absolutely off the handle at her! I think she got freaked out because the guy told her not to tell. To make matters worse, all of my family knows that I was raped when I was 15 (I'm 23 now), and reliving all of this has been really hard to deal with.

I'm not speaking to any of my immediate family. My boyfriend agrees that I shouldn't speak to any of them until I get a proper apology from my sister. She sent me a text message two days after I got angry at her for lying, saying that she hadn't done anything to make me relive my past and that I was overreacting. What should I do?

-In Disbelief Dara

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear In Disbelief Dara,

I don't think that you're overreacting at all. Rape is a really serious thing and nothing to joke about. It sounds like your sister really was raped, because I find it hard to believe that she'd make this all up for no reason. I bet she's just upset and scared about what might happen if she tells the police, not to mention what the guy might do.

I think you should be the adult here and talk to your sister, since ignoring her won't fix the situation. Try to get her to admit the truth, and if it turns out she really was raped, you've got to let her know that even if she knew the guy, or there was alcohol involved, it's still rape if she didn't consent to sex. Convince her that she needs to tell the police so this guy doesn't get away with what he did and doesn't do it to other innocent women. Assure her that she'll be protected from this guy after she tells.

If your sister won't listen to you, talk to your parents. Explain to them that you're concerned about her emotional and physical well-being. Tell them you're worried about what might happen if she tried to keep all her feelings bottled up inside. Maybe the three of you can convince your sister to talk to a therapist so she has a neutral outlet through which to voice her emotions. Tell her that from your own experience, you know she'll feel much better if she gets this off her chest. You can also call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE. I hope everything works out.

Source

When It Comes to Family, Who Are You Closest to?

DearSugar — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 17:00:55 -0700

Of course, I love everyone in my family. Each person has a special place in my heart, and my mind is filled with so many memories of all of them. I love them for what they've taught me, how they've been there for me, and what we've shared together.

That being said, there's one person I call the most and tell my secrets to, and that's my mom. Yes, she's my mom, but now that I'm older, she's also turned into my best friend. I feel the closest to her because she's such an amazing listener and, as women, we have so much in common.

So I want to know: When it comes to your family, who do you feel closest to? Your mom, dad, child, or spouse? A step-parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, or sibling?

Source

Group Therapy: How can I help my sister cope?

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 10:00:00 -0700

Today, My sister's Golden Retriever was hit by a car, and died of head injuries. The dog did not die instantly, but died like, 2 minutes later. Her finance` held their dog as she passed. My sister was heartbroken. This dog wasn't just a dog to them. She was like a baby to my sister. They had her trained to shake hands, and when they said "talk", she would bark. She was the smartest, sweetest, most lovable dog to ever walk this earth. She never went by the road until today. I was just needing advice on how to help my sister cope. Please help.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

How can I Help?

DearSugar — Thu, 31 May 2007 07:41:06 -0700

Dear Sugar--

My sister, who is 36, and her 9 year old daughter, have been living with my parents for the last three years. She has a drug problem, no job and no transportation. She got a divorce from her husband three years ago and asked my parents if she could stay with them while she got her life back together. Since moving in with them, she has stolen over $10,000 from my father and totaled one of their cars, luckily no one was hurt. You may ask why they don't kick her out? Well, because they are afraid of what may come of their child, that she will turn back to drugs and worry for the safety and well being of their grandchild.

My sister has been to counseling and drug centers, but we all know you have to want help and want to get better before you will. To make mattes worse, my sister doesn't even like my mom and dad, only uses them for a place to stay. She has no goals or ambition to do anything. She sometimes leaves for days on end, leaving no information for my parents, with the assumption that her daughter will be cared for. I can see this causing an enormous strain between my parents marriage and our family as a whole and I can't stand to sit back and watch this anymore. I need some advice as to what I can do or how I can help my mom and dad. --Looking Out Laurie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Looking Out Laurie--

I am so sorry to hear about your sister, this is an awful situation all the way round. Your family sounds like an incredibly supportive and loving unit and it is very clear that your parents are caught between a rock and a hard place -- while they don't want to condone your sisters bad behavior, they don't want her to end up homeless, on drugs, and more importantly, putting their granddaughter in harm's way.

But with that said, it sounds as though your sister needs to have some consequences in her life or else she just won't change. Have your parents thought about taking legal action to gain custody of her daughter? Tough love might the only thing that is going to help your sister understand what she has to lose here. Having her family always there to bail her out or providing her with a safe haven isn't going to help get her feet back on the ground.

Are you living at home as well? As hard as it is for you to sit back and watch your sister treat the parents you love with such disrespect, unfortunately you're right, there is nothing you can do to make her change, and she's the one that has to be ready. In the meantime, I highly advise you and your parents to seek counseling. It isn't healthy for you to carry around the burden your sister is placing on your shoulders. These are her problems, not yours, and while they do directly affect you, you have to learn to separate yourself from them as much as you can. My heart goes out to you and your family and I wish you all the best.

Source

Does My Sister Have to be My ONLY Maid of Honor?

DearSugar — Tue, 22 May 2007 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I asked my sister, who's 15 months younger, to be my maid of honor. We are best friends but I also have a best non-sister friend, who I asked to be my matron of honor. I was Jen's maid of honor- but she only has a brother.

My sister is so upset with me. She says when you have a sister, everyone else is just a bridesmaid. Did I do the wrong thing? How do I fix this and fast!

--Bride in a Bind

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Bride in a Bind--

You are in a really tough spot. Just so you know, there are no specific "rules" about choosing your wedding party. Some brides choose family members, and some choose best friends, and when you can't choose - you choose both, which is what you did. I have to say that I think your sister is acting a little selfish here. This is your wedding, and your bridal party is supposed to offer you help and support. It sounds like your sister is jealous of your best friend, and she needs to realize that your wedding isn't about her and that there is room for both of your best friends to stand by your side.

Explain that a maid of honor and a matron of honor are of equal importance to you, and you want both your sister and your best friend to perform all the duties associated with those titles. She can still help you pick out your dress, plan your bachelorette party, and toast you on your wedding day, but you may want to think of a significant job just for your sister so she feels like she has a unique role on your special day. Maybe she can plan your bridal shower with your mom, or help you pick out the flowers.

You did nothing wrong here -- it's totally up to the bride who she chooses for her wedding party and you should feel incredibly lucky to have two women so close to you who want to stand by your side to offer support. Good luck and congrats!

Source