TresSugar

Rule #5 For Jump-Starting Your Summer Fun!

DearSugar — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 11:00:00 -0700

Getting a glass of wine on a Monday night with your girlfriends is a great way to get yourself out there, you know, just in case, but chances are it'll be a pretty tame night which is why Fridays are the night to go big! People are ready to blow off steam from the long work week so my last rule to jump-starting your Summer fun is to get your girls together, throw on something sexy - leaving your sweater at home, of course - and head to your favorite dance spot or local bar. Keep a smile on your face and if someone you fancy glances your way, hold his stare. Although meeting someone special at a bar is a bit cliche, don't discount it - people meet their future husbands at bars all the time. And remember to be a lady - don't drink too much!

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When It Comes to Being Single, Some Cities Are Better Than Others

DearSugar — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Late last week, Forbes revealed its list of best cities for singles, and I'll admit, I found some of them a bit surprising. To properly rank each city, surveyors examined six different categories including nightlife, living costs, and percentage of singles. The article explains:

[Forbes] rankings are meant to be a guide for young, ambitious singles who, in an age of techno-mobility, can live and work wherever they want. Our methodology focuses on career-minded, "never-marrieds" under the age of 35.

Chances are you're not about to move to a city simply for its dating potential, but I still think it's fun to find out where your city ranks. Check out the top 20 below and see if any cities surprise you.

Atlanta, Georgia
San Francisco, California
Dallas, Texas
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Washington DC
Seattle, Washington
Boston, Massachusetts
New York City
Orlando, Florida
Phoenix, Arizona

To see the remaining 10, just read more.

Chicago, Illinois
Denver, Colorado
Miami, Florida
Austin, Texas
San Antonio, Texas
Los Angeles, California
Houston, Texas
Charlotte, North Carolina
San Diego, California
St. Louis, Missouri

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Dear Quiz: Has Sex and the City Made This Kind of Impact on You?

DearSugar — Wed, 28 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Even if you didn't watch Sex and the City religiously, I'm sure you could imagine how the show affected the way women think and act when it comes to dating, friendship, age, and living the single life in style. Through their examples, women learned that some friendships are limitless and romantic relationships are never perfect. We supported all the girls through good times and bad, even when we didn't necessarily agree with the choices they made - Carrie cheating on Aidan to name just one. So with that said, let me ask you this: Do you think SATC made it more acceptable for women to cheat in their romantic relationships?

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Hump Day: I Feel Used When I Have Sex With the Man I Love

TresSugar — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"After five years of being apart, I'm now re-dating my high school sweetheart whom I love. We lost our virginities to each other, and even during those five years we continued to have sex every now and then when we were single and managed to see each other. (We went to colleges in different cities.)

Now that we are together again, we've decided to wait a while before we have sex, but that does not mean that I don't find him attractive or that I don't sometimes just want to rip off his clothes. The problem is that one of the last times we had sex (about a year before we officially reconnected), I felt like a prostitute. I don't exactly know why, I just felt used afterwards and it was not enjoyable to me at all. I think part of the reason I say 'prostitute' is because he kept making me change positions and just seemed really into it for himself. I love him and I know that he loves me, but I think I'm having trouble getting over that experience. Even now, he will ask me to dress up for him so he can masturbate, which, as his girlfriend, I would normally be happy to do, but I just get that 'used' feeling again. I feel like a piece of meat, or just an object.

Of course he senses my change in happiness and it ruins the mood. I don't know exactly why I started feeling this way and I don't know how to get over it. I'm so afraid that once we start having sex, I will continue to feel this way. What's wrong with me? Please help!"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more
First thing: there is nothing wrong with you or how you’re feeling. Whatever is going on for him, whatever his intentions or motivations, there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you feel. There’s a big difference between having uncomfortable feelings and having something be wrong with you.

Second thing: trust how you feel about this. Something in this situation doesn’t feel right to you, and whether that’s about him, you, or the two of you together, your feelings are there to tell you something important. Unfortunately, they don’t always give you a lot of useful information, but they are valuable for making sure that you know that something is going on. In my experience, the best thing to do is listen to that and try to figure out what those feelings are trying to tell you.

It sounds like you have some unresolved feelings from that first experience of feeling like he was using you. When old feelings linger, they can affect how we feel about present-day experiences. Sometimes, that’s because the current situation is a lot like the past one, and at other times, it’s because we project those emotions onto the present even when the circumstances are very different. Either way, the best approach is to create space to talk about them and figure out what you need. I strongly suggest having that conversation with him when you’re not in the middle of the emotion because that makes it easier to talk about what’s going on without getting lost in the feelings.

Since you said that you’re not sure what it was that made that so uncomfortable for you, here are a few questions that might be worth exploring:

What was it about that first time that felt uncomfortable for you? When he was into changing positions so much, what about that made you feel used? Was it how he did it? Something he was saying? If he had said or done something differently, would that have made it better for you? The more you’re able to answer questions like these, the easier it’ll be to talk about your experiences.

Also, I’m not quite clear from how you phrased it, but when he asks you to dress up for him while he masturbates, do you do that? In my book, that counts as sex and I’m wondering how that fits into your mutual decision to hold off on sex. I can totally see how a request like that could trigger that “used” feeling if the two of you are supposed to be waiting. If it feels to you like he’s pushing your boundaries or trying to get you to do something beyond your comfort zone, one of the best things you can do is tell him that you don’t want to do that. If he persists, that’s a big warning sign to end things.

It would be really easy in this sort of situation to imagine all sorts of reasons why he’s acting like this. And while any of those guesses might be accurate to some degree, I want to caution you to try to not jump to conclusions. For example, some possible things that might be prompting him to act like this could be:

Maybe he’s gotten interested in experimenting different ways of having sex and doesn’t know how to start the conversation with you about it, so he’s just going for it. Maybe he’s gotten into porn and is trying to act out what he’s seen on the screen. Maybe he wants to explore some fantasies, his or yours, and hopes that you’ll reciprocate with your ideas. Maybe he’s clueless about how these situations feel to you and thinks that you’re enjoying it as much as he does, at least until it’s obvious that you don’t. Maybe he’s being selfish about your sexual interactions. Maybe he’s hoping that you’ll speak up with ideas of things to do.

Of course, there’s no way to be sure what actually is going on for him unless you ask (and he’s willing to tell you). The longer these things build up, the bigger they get. So as challenging as it may seem to talk about it with him, it’ll be a lot easier if you do it sooner rather than waiting. Take some time to tell him how you’ve been feeling. Find out what his intentions were. Trust your feelings and keep your boundaries solid.

I know that’s all pretty vague and I wish I could give you some more concrete suggestions. But there are too many possibilities for me to be able to steer you more than that. This sounds like a really hard time for you and whatever you decide to do and however things work out, I hope you find the support that you deserve.

And no matter how you feel, there is nothing wrong with you.

Do, Dump, or Marry? Reggie Bush

TresSugar — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 12:30:00 -0700

In addition to being an awesome football player, Reggie Bush has a nice set of abs, a sweet looking smile, and a penchant for charity (OK - I couldn't completely objectify him!). After moving to New Orleans to join the Saints, Reggie donated heaps of money to help the city recover from Hurricane Katrina.

But sadly for anyone who's a fan of Reggie in a romantic way, he's apparently back together with his on-again-off-again girlfriend Kim Kardashian. Do you wish he was still single?

And don't forget! You can join our Do, Dump, or Marry? group if you want to nominate any hotties for a vote!

Do You Have a "Gay Best Friend"?

TresSugar — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 10:05:11 -0700

Every single woman needs a gay best friend to give her crucial dating and fashion advice, or so the axiom holds. There's even a definitive book on the genre of friendship - Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys - which celebrates "one of the most important relationships in a straight girl's life."

In a piece in Salon today, writer Thomas Rogers has a more critical take on the stereotypical relationship. He writes:

From Sex and the City (Carrie and her queeny sidekick Sanford) to The Real Housewives of Atlanta (NeNe Leakes and her "gay boyfriend"). It's turned what was once a special relationship between two cultural outsiders - gay men and the straight women who love them - into an eye-rolling cliché. It also turned me and other young gay men into something unexpected: a must-have item.

Rogers argues that the so-called gay best friend should just be called "a friend." That works for me. Is there someone in your life you consider to be your gay best friend.

Love It or Leave It? Newspaper Wedding Announcements

TresSugar — Tue, 05 May 2009 08:00:00 -0700

In one episode of Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw calls the New York Times wedding section the "single woman's sports pages." She and her brunch gang clearly have a love/hate relationship with the write-ups, alternately getting excited and depressed by them.

Chances are, your hometown paper has a wedding section, where you can keep tabs (or not) on all your old classmates getting hitched, or maybe you just read them for sport. What's your opinion on newspaper wedding announcements?

Players: Singles Trade in Speed Dating For PlayDates

TresSugar — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 14:30:00 -0700

If you've chanced upon a bar with board games, you'll know they can turn an otherwise mediocre night into a fun one. PlayDates, which at first sounds cringey, knows this: it allows singles to gather and play old-school games like Scrabble, checkers, and chess.

Events are held once a month (to keep it novel) and, at $10 per event, PlayDates is affordable. If I see any drawback (OK, I see a few) it's that it aims to please everyone: singles ages 25-55 are targeted, and it offends no one by ensuring the music is not too loud or trendy and the lights aren't too dim. When I read that staff members wear shirts that read "Wanna Play?" to "nudge onlookers into the fray," I thought, this is verging into traumatic-high-school-dance territory. Oy.

But who am I to judge? People love it! It's grown from small gatherings in Atlanta to a national organization that holds events in nearly 30 US cities. The biggest one yet topped out at 750 people this February in Nashville, TN.

Would you make a PlayDate, or would you rather meet people the old-fashioned way - on the Internet?

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The Real Housewives of NYC: Dating Douchebags in Disguise

TresSugar — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 11:00:00 -0700

I run hot and cold on Bethenny Frankel, The Real Housewives of New York City's resident single gal. Often her one-liners are brilliant and her bits of wisdom spot-on. Like last night's observation about "trick guys" - the smart, nerdy guys who are still bitter about their lack of popularity in high school and are often douches in disguise. Here, Bethenny weighs whether to go on a date with a model.

I definitely think there's some truth to the "trick-guy" thing. But Bethenny lost me when she said that balancing a career and a serious relationship might be impossible (what!?) while having a career and a kid is totally doable. Seems a bit out of touch to me. What do you think? And have you encountered so-called trick guys?

Dear Poll: Do You Like Being Single?

DearSugar — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 15:00:00 -0700

There was a time when negative connotations surrounded being single, but today with movies like Sex and the City booming at the box office, it's clear that there's a new image of the single woman. A woman who can take on the world, man or not. While it's promising to see that being single is finally being acknowledged as a choice, it's true that we still live in a society that values partnership. The looming pressure of finding a partner can negate the joys of being totally solo. So for those of you who are currently single (or once were!), I want to know how you fare in this complicated world, so tell me, do you truly enjoy being single?

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