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5 Things To Do With Your Significant Other at Home

DearSugar — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 10:00:00 -0800

More than half of you have felt the effects of the economic downturn in your relationship, but just because you're not painting the town as red as you used to, the fun doesn't have to stop. Instead of getting down, start enjoying the simpler life. Here are five ways to help you do just that, and if I've forgotten anything, tell me how you and your partner are spending your nights these days in the comments below.

Rent a movie (or borrow one from a friend or co-worker), pop some popcorn, and make it movie night at home!
Invite your friends over for a potluck dinner. Assign each couple a course and trade recipes at the end of the night - it's a great way to expand your recipe box.

If you want more ideas, just read more.

Make it a romantic night in. Light some candles and take turns massaging each other. I can't think of a better excuse to stay home!
Use the time you'd usually be out and about to check off your chores list - I'm sure you both have plenty of work to do!
Scrapbook together. Combine each other's memorabilia boxes and make a scrapbook of your relationship that you both can enjoy.

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Do Tell: Are You Enjoying the Simpler Life?

DearSugar — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 09:00:00 -0800

Layoffs, pay cuts, and stock market losses, oh my! It's a scary time for all, and though we left many bad times in 2008, we've still got a long way to go before we recover from these trying times. And since we're all undoubtedly money-conscious these days, many of us are going back to the basics. Reclaiming the simple things in life has been surprisingly gratifying to me, but do tell, are you enjoying the elementals again?

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Ask a Gay Woman: I'm Bisexual - How Do I Come Out?

TresSugar — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 16:00:00 -0700

This week, an out and proud gay woman helps a 16-year-old girl figure out how to come out. After you read her answer, be sure to check out TrèsSugar's Lesbian and Bisexual Support Group in the community, as well as TrèsSugar's Group Therapy group where I found this question.

Today's question: "I'm a 16-year-old girl who's currently in a relationship with a boy. I'm taking college classes along with my high school ones, and I have poetry that's published. People tell me everyday that I'm gorgeous and absolutely amazing. My downfall? If they knew I was bisexual, I would be alone. I've come out to three of my gay friends, but that's it. I was voted most optimistic for favorites, but people don't know how really miserable I am. I'm in love with a girl, and I want to give myself to her completely. To kiss her, to hold her. But I don't want to be hidden, and I don't want to lose everything I have. HELP ME, I'M BEGGING. Signed, Tormented."

To hear what a gay woman has to say, read more.

Dear Tormented,

I know what you are going through is hard and scary. When I was growing up I felt very confused about the intense feelings I had for other girls, and I couldn't even admit to myself that I was bi or gay, let alone anyone else. So first and foremost I just want to say that you are very strong and brave to admit these feelings to yourself and reach out. Please don't take your fear as a sign that you can't handle this - if you couldn't handle it I think you would have buried it way down and not even bring it up as a possibility. There are a few different things about your worries that I want to address:

First, before you decide how to handle your feelings about this other girl, you have to figure out your feelings for your boyfriend. Do you really want to be with him? Or are you just being with him because it is safe and simple? It is too hard to figure out how you are feeling about your sexuality and the girl you say you are in love with if it is all wrapped up with shame and secrecy about possibly cheating on the person you are dating. If you know deep down that it is someone else and not him you want to be with, then break up with him. You don't have to tell him all the details of why you are ending it - just that it isn't working for you right now. Then you can have some space and time to think through the issue of your bisexuality without the anxiety of betrayal.

Secondly, I am not sure exactly what kind of community and family you are living in, so it is hard for me to address how real your concerns are that you will lose "everything." It sounds like you have some gay friends, which means people are out in your community and you have some support, so I think you should consider that maybe after the initial shock this wouldn't be as devastating as you think. Definitely it is still not the total norm, but living in fear that you won't be accepted is making you miserable, so I am not sure that finding out that certain people will be fine with it and others won't be could be that much worse. But I think you need to talk to some people you trust to help you figure out how to best handle your specific situation. If there is a gay and lesbian community center in your town you could get some confidential advice from someone. There are also some good websites: Sex Etc. (a website about sex run by and for teens) and this Planned Parenthood teen talk blog.

The most important thing is to know that you are absolutely not alone with this, that a lot of people go through this, that you will be OK, and that there is a lot of support for you out there.

Signed,

A Gay Woman

Ask a Woman Unwilling to Settle: My Boyfriend Calls Me Names

TresSugar — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

This week, a woman unwilling to settle shares her wisdom with a distraught woman who's sick of her boyfriend calling her cruel names. October is domestic violence awareness month. Remember, just because he's not punching you in the face doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Verbal abuse is still abuse.

This week's question:

"Every time my boyfriend gets angry, I get called names. 'Bitch' is the most often one thrown at me. I have told him so many times that it hurts me but he says it's only words. Sometimes he doesn't even apologize. Yesterday, he told me a story about his friend. I told him that I had a headache. He started shouting and telling me that I just wasn't interested, that I was rude. I wanted him to shut up. He called me a bitch again! He always tells me that he would never call me anything if I didn't make him by behaving like an idiot. Once he called me pathetic. I told him I didn't like that and he said at least he didn't call me a bitch. I'm sick and tired of explaining how wrong he is. He thinks he knows better. Please help!"

Signed,

In Pain

To hear what a woman unwilling to settle thinks about this situation, read more

Dear In Pain:

GET OUT. DUMP HIM. MOVE ON. LET GO. LEAVE. DROP HIM!

The simple truth is that your boyfriend does not respect you and he certainly doesn’t value you, your feelings, or your relationship. He is literally shouting this at you. And it’s time for you to hear him, loud and clear.

I realize it’s easy to become confused in matters of the heart. But at the core of any meaningful, loving, long-lasting relationship is always going to be respect. (Trust Aretha to say it like it is!) Without that, you’ve got nothing. And that is exactly what you’ve got right now-nothing.

Your boyfriend doesn’t have the maturity, self-awareness, or emotional development to be the man you want or to offer you the relationship you deserve. (Or at least I presume you expect something more, since you’ve taken the time to write in!)

You are only fooling yourself if you think this guy is going to change. And while you continue to endure his demeaning comments and cruel behavior, you could be out there enjoying the world, meeting new people, and building a life and relationships to be proud of. What are you waiting for?

Take that next step! Show yourself a little respect and leave him and his drama behind you. And while you’re at it, ask yourself one very simple question: why are you in this situation to begin with? If you take the time to sort out your head now, you’ll spare yourself the heartache and disappointment of repeating the same pattern in the future. And at that point you'll be free to meet someone worthy of your time and your heart. Stop being so afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness and make the change now!

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Shawn Hornbeck, Kidnap Survivor, on Jaycee Lee Dugard

TresSugar — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 03:00:00 -0700

"You're brainwashed. It's as simple as that. I know people use that term a lot, but that's what happens to you. It's like you are on autopilot, only someone else is controlling all the switches. They control every little, minute detail in your life. Everything."

- 18-year-old Shawn Hornbeck on why Jaycee Lee Dugard didn't escape from her kidnapper Phillip Garrido in the 18 years she was held captive. Hornbeck, kidnapped at age 11, spent four years and three months living in an apartment with his male abductor and gave People magazine an exclusive interview.

Malaysian Woman Sentenced to Caning For Drinking a Beer

TresSugar — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 11:00:00 -0700

Not every woman around the world can enjoy the simple pleasures of life, like sipping a cold beer on vacation, without fear of physical punishment. Recently, 32-year-old Malaysian model Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarno was sentenced to be caned for drinking a beer in a hotel nightclub.

After being taken into custody and transported to a prison for her punishment today, Kartika was prepared to endure the caning. Unexpectedly the Islamic Sharia court granted her a reprieve until the holy month of Ramadan is over, throwing her case into confusion. Still, officials maintain that the delayed sentence stands.

So why was she sentenced to such a punishment in the first place? Malaysia operates under two legal systems, which includes Sharia courts that can try Muslims for moral or religious offenses. Although prosecution is rare, Muslims like Kartika can be jailed for up to three years or given six strokes of a cane for drinking alcohol.

While she was spared the caning this week, Kartika is not happy about being in legal limbo and her father says: "My daughter wants the sentence to be done. I'm afraid that people will make fun of the religion."

Book Bag: Kingdom of Simplicity Explores Forgiveness

TresSugar — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 14:00:00 -0700

They say an accident happens by chance, with no planning or deliberate intent. And people who knew my sisters would have said just that. It was an accident. But I would like to tell them there are no accidents.There are only opportunities.

Kingdom of Simplicity, the story about an Amish boy who loses his family in a car accident, explores the simple power of forgiveness.

In 1994, author Holly Payne saw her life plans put on hold after she was struck by a drunk driver and left unable to walk for almost a year. A few months after the accident, the man who inflicted the hardship on Holly wrote her a letter asking for her forgiveness. Not ready to confront him, Holly put the letter away. She finally decided to respond to him with this book about forgiveness, which she recently sent to him along with a letter of her own.

Holly says that she wishes she would have gotten back to the driver earlier to free him from the burden of guilt he felt and free herself from her feelings of resentment.

Have you had the opportunity to forgive someone for something significant?

In NY, Women Can Sell Their Eggs For $10,000

TresSugar — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 15:00:00 -0700

New York's Empire State Stem Cell Board has $600 million in state funding for stem cell studies. The only problem? It needs more stem cells! So the board has decided to let researchers pay women up to $10,000 for the discomfort, time, and expenses involved with donating their eggs for stem cell experiments.

Fans of the unprecedented plan say it removes a great obstacle to finding treatments for life threatening diseases. Researchers say that a lack of compensation made it nearly impossible to convince women to donate their eggs. That may be because the process is not simple. Women have to take hormone injections for weeks that stimulate their ovaries to produce eggs. Then they have to undergo a painful extraction procedure.

Fertility clinics are successful in getting women to undergo the process because they compensate them - so science says it just wants part of the action. Critics say that the practice amounts to human body-part trafficking and worry that underprivileged women will be pressured to donate their eggs for the money.

How much would it take for you to sell your eggs?

Friday Feel Good: Another Adorable Loris

TresSugar — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Meet Sonya the Loris. She enjoys the simple pleasures of life - eatin' snacks, sitting on mom's lap, and getting scratched under her furry pits. Don't judge her because her midday snack appears to be a grub worm or maggot. (I certainly can't - I eat that movie theater nacho cheese sauce!) Anyway, here's to hoping your Friday is as relaxed and pleasure-filled as Sonya's. This video is a good start.

Average Relationships Stress Men Out

TresSugar — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:00:00 -0700

The better a woman's love life, the less stress she feels at work. For men, it's not as simple. A new study out of Sweden revealed that men who say they're in good or bad relationships have less stress at work than those in "average" relationships.

The woman behind the study explains what she learned about men:

"When we talked to the men, they said that when it's in-between, you have to put more effort into it. You keep doing that until the relationship either becomes better or hopeless. When you get to that point, it doesn't really affect your health anymore."

It sounds like an effortless relationship is ideal for male anxiety levels: either it's so good, they don't have to do anything, or it's so bad, they don't care enough to do anything. As long as they don't have to give the relationship too much attention, they're feeling better.

Do you define an "average" relationship as one that requires effort? What do you think this study reveals about some men?

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