TresSugar

What's Up With Curvature of the Penis?

DearSugar — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Just as all women's breasts look different, men's private parts can differ too. Some are longer, shorter, thicker, or thinner. Some even curve. Since the penis is made of muscles, if certain ones are stronger than the others, it will cause a slight bend known as congenital curvature. A slight curve is normal and fairly common, and there's really nothing wrong or anything the guy should do, unless he feels pain during an erection or sexual activity. Actually some women prefer the curve, especially if it's bent upward since it can stimulate her G-spot better.

What if the bend is more severe, or the angle makes it difficult for the guy to enter his partner without it hurting? To find out read more.

If the curve makes sex a discomforting challenge, then the guy may have a condition known as Peyronie’s disease. An extreme curve in the penis can be painful, and can cause hardened, cord-like lesions to form on the skin. This disease usually develops in males between the ages of 40 and 60, but can happen at any time. The symptoms may appear suddenly or slowly, and vary in severity. Peyronie’s occurs in about one to four percent of the male population, and doctors aren't yet sure what causes this condition, though possibilities include injury, infection, or a vitamin E deficiency. If this sounds familiar, even though it may be embarrassing to address, it's best for the guy to see a urologist. They can help diagnose the problem and offer treatment so the man can get back to enjoying sex again.

Source

Adam Lambert: Just Another Provocative Pop Star?

TresSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:30:39 -0800

Last night on the American Music Awards, Adam Lambert gyrated along dancers dressed in S&M inspired costumes. At one point, the American Idol alum pulled a dancer's face toward his crotch. Of course, not everyone was entertained - the spectacle was edited from the West Coast broadcast. Adam has since expressed his disappointment with that decision, saying:

"There's a big double standard, female pop artists have been doing things provocative like that for years, and the fact that I'm a male, and I'll be edited and discriminated against could be a problem. People are scared and it's really sad, I just wish people could open their minds up and enjoy things, it's all for a laugh, it's really not that big of a deal."

So in other words, the public should just think of the performance as a male throwback to Madonna, as BuzzSugar described it. Do you think Adam is being held to a different standard of acceptable sexual expression or was the network right to edit the show?

Hump Day: I Have Little Desire to Have Sex Anymore

TresSugar — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

“When my husband and I first got married, I was so in love with him that we had sex what (for me) seemed like a lot (a few times a week). But now, three years into it, I feel like my baseline libido, which never was much in the first place, has flatlined. I simply have no interest in sex mentally or physically. My husband keeps asking me if there’s someone else, but in reality, I don’t want sex at all - with anyone. I’m worried he’s going to leave me, this is causing so many problems between us. Any advice?”

To see the answer, read more

It’s pretty common for sexual frequency for couples to lessen after a couple of years. It’s not always just the stereotypical “things are becoming routine” situation. Shifts in hormones can occur as time goes by and those shifts can affect sexual desire. Lots of people have a low interest in sex for any of a number of reasons. It’s not necessarily a sign of any kind of problem and if that has been your pattern for a long time; that may be simply how your sexuality is.

Do you consider your lack of interest in sex a problem? If you do, you might want to see if there are any medical issues causing it. You could have low testosterone for example. While we generally only think of it as a male hormone, women also have some testosterone in their systems and it’s often related to interest in sex. Sexual desire is quite complex and sometimes, the answers aren’t as easy as that, but it could be worth exploring.

Whether you think that your low desire is a problem or not, it sounds like your concerns center on how you and your husband talk about it and what his and your expectations are. Differences in desire can be one of the more tricky relationship challenges and almost all couples face it at some point or another. When you consider how much we (as a culture) equate sexual desire with relationship health, it’s no wonder that many of us feel a lot of pressure around it.

While I would NEVER suggest to anyone that they engage in sex that they don’t want, the two of you might want to explore other ways to connect physically. After all, it doesn’t have to be sex or intercourse. For example, would it work if you gave him backrubs? What if he masturbated while you help him or ran your hands across him? And are there ways that you would like to receive physical contact? As another possibility, are there ways in which the two of you could make room for him to get his sexual needs met, such as giving him solo time at home for some self-pleasure?

Whether you find your low desire a problem or not, you could also find a sex-positive therapist. One of the most helpful things that a therapist can offer is tools for talking about tricky topics and a safe space to do it in. Plus, sometimes an outside perspective can be really helpful. There are plenty of great people who know about sexuality issues and lots of them can be found on the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Anyone in their directory has passed a rigorous certification process, which gives them the foundation to be as helpful with sexuality topics as possible.

Ultimately, the best advice I can offer you is to be honest with each other about what’s going on for you and how you each feel about it. With that as the foundation, the two of you can start looking for new ways to be together that work for both of you.

IOC to Come Up With Better Guidelines For Ambiguous Sex

TresSugar — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 06:00:00 -0700

The treatment of 18-year-old champion runner Caster Semenya by the International Association of Athletic Federations (IAAF) left me scratching my head. How could officials publicly call into question Caster's sex, knowing the profoundly personal nature of the matter? Their actions were so degrading that Caster was rumored to be in hiding after the tests reportedly revealed that she was intersex. Well here's one way to understand how officials could take such an irresponsible approach: international bodies that govern competitive sports lack appropriate guidelines for dealing with ambiguous sex cases.

Hoping to address this problem, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) will gather medical experts at an international conference charged with creating guidelines for such cases. It might be a difficult task, but at least they can look at Caster's case as an example of what not to do.

This meeting will be held during the World Conference on Hormonal and Genetic Basis of Sexual Differentiation Disorders, and IOC officials say that there should be a focus on the privacy of competitors whose sex has been called into question. Let's hope so.

Hump Day: I Feel Used When I Have Sex With the Man I Love

TresSugar — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Today's Question:

"After five years of being apart, I'm now re-dating my high school sweetheart whom I love. We lost our virginities to each other, and even during those five years we continued to have sex every now and then when we were single and managed to see each other. (We went to colleges in different cities.)

Now that we are together again, we've decided to wait a while before we have sex, but that does not mean that I don't find him attractive or that I don't sometimes just want to rip off his clothes. The problem is that one of the last times we had sex (about a year before we officially reconnected), I felt like a prostitute. I don't exactly know why, I just felt used afterwards and it was not enjoyable to me at all. I think part of the reason I say 'prostitute' is because he kept making me change positions and just seemed really into it for himself. I love him and I know that he loves me, but I think I'm having trouble getting over that experience. Even now, he will ask me to dress up for him so he can masturbate, which, as his girlfriend, I would normally be happy to do, but I just get that 'used' feeling again. I feel like a piece of meat, or just an object.

Of course he senses my change in happiness and it ruins the mood. I don't know exactly why I started feeling this way and I don't know how to get over it. I'm so afraid that once we start having sex, I will continue to feel this way. What's wrong with me? Please help!"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more
First thing: there is nothing wrong with you or how you’re feeling. Whatever is going on for him, whatever his intentions or motivations, there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you feel. There’s a big difference between having uncomfortable feelings and having something be wrong with you.

Second thing: trust how you feel about this. Something in this situation doesn’t feel right to you, and whether that’s about him, you, or the two of you together, your feelings are there to tell you something important. Unfortunately, they don’t always give you a lot of useful information, but they are valuable for making sure that you know that something is going on. In my experience, the best thing to do is listen to that and try to figure out what those feelings are trying to tell you.

It sounds like you have some unresolved feelings from that first experience of feeling like he was using you. When old feelings linger, they can affect how we feel about present-day experiences. Sometimes, that’s because the current situation is a lot like the past one, and at other times, it’s because we project those emotions onto the present even when the circumstances are very different. Either way, the best approach is to create space to talk about them and figure out what you need. I strongly suggest having that conversation with him when you’re not in the middle of the emotion because that makes it easier to talk about what’s going on without getting lost in the feelings.

Since you said that you’re not sure what it was that made that so uncomfortable for you, here are a few questions that might be worth exploring:

What was it about that first time that felt uncomfortable for you? When he was into changing positions so much, what about that made you feel used? Was it how he did it? Something he was saying? If he had said or done something differently, would that have made it better for you? The more you’re able to answer questions like these, the easier it’ll be to talk about your experiences.

Also, I’m not quite clear from how you phrased it, but when he asks you to dress up for him while he masturbates, do you do that? In my book, that counts as sex and I’m wondering how that fits into your mutual decision to hold off on sex. I can totally see how a request like that could trigger that “used” feeling if the two of you are supposed to be waiting. If it feels to you like he’s pushing your boundaries or trying to get you to do something beyond your comfort zone, one of the best things you can do is tell him that you don’t want to do that. If he persists, that’s a big warning sign to end things.

It would be really easy in this sort of situation to imagine all sorts of reasons why he’s acting like this. And while any of those guesses might be accurate to some degree, I want to caution you to try to not jump to conclusions. For example, some possible things that might be prompting him to act like this could be:

Maybe he’s gotten interested in experimenting different ways of having sex and doesn’t know how to start the conversation with you about it, so he’s just going for it. Maybe he’s gotten into porn and is trying to act out what he’s seen on the screen. Maybe he wants to explore some fantasies, his or yours, and hopes that you’ll reciprocate with your ideas. Maybe he’s clueless about how these situations feel to you and thinks that you’re enjoying it as much as he does, at least until it’s obvious that you don’t. Maybe he’s being selfish about your sexual interactions. Maybe he’s hoping that you’ll speak up with ideas of things to do.

Of course, there’s no way to be sure what actually is going on for him unless you ask (and he’s willing to tell you). The longer these things build up, the bigger they get. So as challenging as it may seem to talk about it with him, it’ll be a lot easier if you do it sooner rather than waiting. Take some time to tell him how you’ve been feeling. Find out what his intentions were. Trust your feelings and keep your boundaries solid.

I know that’s all pretty vague and I wish I could give you some more concrete suggestions. But there are too many possibilities for me to be able to steer you more than that. This sounds like a really hard time for you and whatever you decide to do and however things work out, I hope you find the support that you deserve.

And no matter how you feel, there is nothing wrong with you.

British TV Tries to Capture Truth About Domestic Violence

TresSugar — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 14:00:00 -0700

The BBC has put together a five-part thriller about domestic violence just in time for domestic violence awareness month. The TV series, titled Criminal Justice 2, is being hailed as an accurate and moving depiction of abusive relationships.

Criminal Justice 2 takes a critical look at Britain's criminal justice system through the eyes of one individual: an abused woman who retaliates against her abuser. The main character, Juliet, suffers abuse at the hands of her husband, a handsome and respected lawyer. After stabbing him, she lands in the criminal justice system, where she meets much scrutiny. The movie explores questions of psychological and sexual abuse and tries to uncover whether society helps victims of domestic violence regain their sense of self, or whether it makes their problems worse.

I wish I saw thoughtful programs like this on American television more regularly. Would you tune in?

Hump Day: My Boyfriend Is a One-Minute Man

TresSugar — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Today's Question:

"My boyfriend has premature ejaculation problems, and it's a little frustrating for me. As far as I know, he doesn't have any health problems. Is this psychological? Can I help him fix this?" To hear Dr. Glickman's response, read more

One of the challenges when talking about premature ejaculation is coming up with a common definition for it. Masters & Johnson defined it as when a man ejaculates before his (female) partner at least half of the time. Others have tried to define it as when he orgasms within two minutes of starting to have intercourse. That kind of definition works better in some ways, especially since many women don’t orgasm from intercourse. Ultimately, the “problem” of premature ejaculation rests on whether it causes concern for either person and since you’ve said that you’re finding it frustrating, that’s good enough for me.

There are a lot of potential causes of premature ejaculation, from the physical to the psychological. It can be caused by anxiety and stress, hormonal imbalances, prostate health issues, and relationship difficulties. With all of these possible reasons, some of which need a medical exam to detect, there’s no way for me to tell you what’s causing it for him. Having said that, there are some tips that I can offer you. Bear in mind that these assume that there aren’t any medical factors complicating the situation.

First off, anxiety is a common cause of both erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. Unfortunately, worrying about whether it’ll happen can make it happen, creating a self-fulfilling prediction. One of the best ways to address that is to widen your definition of what you consider sex and pleasure to be. If you can let go of the focus on intercourse and enjoy the buffet of sexual options, the worry tends to decrease. It can be really helpful to talk about how you might make that happen when you’re not having sex or just afterwards. If he’s feeling embarrassed about the situation, it’s probably going to be a lot easier to have the conversation when the clothes are still on.

Another factor that can influence when a guy ejaculates is what position he’s in. For many men, being on top seems to make him orgasm more quickly, while lying back and being straddled can make things last longer. While I’m not aware of any actual research on this, I’ve heard stories from enough men to suggest that you give it a try and see what happens.

Still another reason that some men ejaculate more quickly than they or their partners might like is that they don’t know how to work with their sexual energy. Modern tantra and other similar practices offer many men a lot of useful tools and tips for lasting longer. While this approach might not be everyone’s cup of tea, I think it’s worth looking into. Check out Mantak Chia’s book The Multi-Orgasmic Man for a really interesting and easy-to-read take on this. He also has a book for women and one for couples.

Also, some men report that one of the best ways to last longer is to be on the receiving end of a little more foreplay. Actually, I dislike the word “foreplay” since it implies that everything else is just a lead-up to “real sex.” But leaving that aside, many of us are familiar with the idea that lots of women prefer/enjoy/need some warm-up before intercourse. What you might not know is that a slower approach can be a great thing for lots of guys, too. Men’s sexual arousal isn’t just about getting an erection; ramping up can increase how much sexual energy he can maintain. Or to put it another way, just because some guys can hit the ground running doesn’t change the fact that a little warm-up makes it a lot easier. So try extending how much time you give oral sex, hand-jobs, kissing, whatever. It can help him relax and increase his arousal, both of which reduce anxiety and can make it easier for him to last longer.

To get to the last question that you ask, there are some things you can do to help him but he needs to be willing to deal with this situation in the first place. A lot of men feel ashamed of early ejaculation, even though a lot of men experience it, at least sometimes. One of the best things you can do is to talk about it with him at a time when you’re not having sex. Right after it happens is probably not ideal since he’s having whatever feelings this brings up for him. And yes, men have feelings, even when (or especially when) they don’t know how to show them!

Ask an Agnostic: I Cheated on My Husband and Feel Guilty

TresSugar — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a Christian woman who cheated on her husband feels guilty and needs advice; she'll get some from an agnostic. If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I have a confession to make: I'm having an affair. I'm a good woman, and I do love my husband very deeply but I have a problem with being alone and he is not here. I have always had a problem with cheating and I have never been faithful in a relationship. I recently ended the affair but the guilt is killing me and I don't know what to do, especially as a Christian woman.

Signed,
Guilty as Sin

To hear what an agnostic has to say, read more

Dear Guilty,

I don't know what to tell you "as a Christian woman," as I am an agnostic woman and religion doesn't factor into my life, but I will tell you what I know about cheaters and cheating. It may not assuage your guilt, but perhaps it will help you to figure out why you continue to sabotage your relationships and undermine your self-esteem, and hopefully it will get you into therapy or counseling to get to the bottom of why you keep stepping out on people you say you love so deeply.

I have a theory about cheaters: they don't feel too good about themselves. I've heard many justifications for cheating, and they all seem to be variations on the theme of, "I'm being cheated, so I have a free pass to cheat." Let's say they feel cheated because they're not being paid attention to by their partner. Instead of expressing this to the partner and seeing how they can remedy it to their mutual satisfaction (or, if there's no remedy, to get the hell out of the relationship), they grab onto what they can to fill that void, their partner be damned. It's a passive-aggressive act that seems to say, "I am too powerless (or chicken) to directly confront this head-on, so I will get what I can on the down-low."

Or let's say they're jealous of their partner, who might be more successful, happier or have more sexual experience than they. Cheating for them accomplishes two things. Out of resentment that life hasn't given them what they wanted, and out of a feeling of egoic deficiency - they get a quick fix of attention from another person (filling a void inside by outside validation), and they secretly punish their partner for having what they don't.

You say you've never been faithful in a relationship, so although you almost blame your husband for your cheating ("he is not here"), you also admit you are the one with the problem. This is a good first step. So what to do now? There are two schools of thought about what you should do if you've cheated and stopped.

One school says that to tell the person you cheated on would be selfish; all it would accomplish is to put your burden on them. This school of thought says you should just suck it up and vow to yourself you'll never do it again. Another school says that you must come clean and give the other person a chance to decide whether or not they want to forgive you or work on the relationship with you.

This is a personal decision I can't make for you. For me, cheating is an (almost) irreparable act of contempt for the person you're in a relationship with. If it happened to me, I would want to have the chance to determine whether or not the person who did it was a) truly sorry, and b) sure it wouldn't happen again. I don't think I'd want someone of questionable ethics to decide on my behalf. Plus, I'd have more respect for someone who came clean even at the risk of losing the relationship.

What seems most important to me is that you figure out why, especially if you believe in the pretty rigid moral code of Christianity (especially when it comes to sexual matters), you keep on cheating? Maybe you are rebelling against this moral code. What do you lack within your marriage (but more importantly, within yourself) that you're getting from attention outside your marriage? (Maybe your husband travels a lot, leaving you alone. Lots of people are alone, though, without feeling empty inside. This is an important distinction.) Are you someone who doesn't feel comfortable confronting others, or asking for what you want? This "people-pleasing" attitude often means a lot of repressed anger, which can lead to cheating.

Whatever you decide to do, the first step I would recommend you take is to repair the relationship you have with yourself. If your actions don't square with your beliefs about right and wrong, you need to confront that first before you begin to heal your relationship with your husband. Hope that helps and good luck to you.

City Officials Fail to Prevent Porn Star Invasion

TresSugar — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 01:00:00 -0700

The Exxxotica Expo opened today in Edison, NJ, for the second year in a row, meaning that blushing city officials failed in their attempt to prevent the porn convention from coming to town.

The city, hell-bent on keeping local fans from meeting their favorite porn stars, passed an ordinance that prohibited sexually oriented products at gatherings within 1,000 feet of a school, church, hospital, or playground. Only problem? The convention is being held more than 1,000 feet from any of those sites. Score one for the porn stars.

The city's focus on the annual convention borders on an obsession. It's become a major issue in the town's mayoral race, and one candidate produced ads that say: "Mayor Candidate Says YES to PORNO!" The candidate under fire for not getting on board the anti-porn convention train responded by saying, "No, it's not something that I would personally approve of. By the same token, I don't think we should be foisting our personal values upon everyone else, unless they're harmful.”

Do you agree, or would you be bothered if a porn convention came to town?

Sex Therapist Says: Go Ahead and Snoop on Him

TresSugar — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0700

In an ideal world, says sex therapist and relationship counselor Dr. Ian Kerner, partners in committed relationships wouldn't hide anything from each other nor be suspicious of the other's activities. But Internet infidelity is such a problem these days, he argues, that sometimes you are justified in snooping on your partner's online activity.

You might not find out that your partner's cheating on you in the real world, Dr. Kerner says, but he might be committing emotional infidelity - that is, confiding in someone of the opposite sex, flirting with her, or even sending sexual messages. Research has shown that men don't think about emotional infidelity the same way that women do (most of them think it's not as bad as sexual infidelity), but it is a drain on the relationship nevertheless. If you've ever been with someone who checked out from the relationship and was investing romantic attention elsewhere without technically cheating, you'll know what he's talking about!

So when should you take this taboo leap into treating the person you're supposedly closest to like a crime suspect? I'll tell you after the jump, but you tell me - do you think it's worth taking this step, or are suspicions sign enough that it's time to bail? To see Dr. Kerner's list of signs you might need to start snooping, read more

Does he spend too much time on the computer or other digital devices?
Is he comfortable leaving Facebook pages or emails open when he's not at the computer?
Does he keep in touch with exes or members of the opposite sex on social networking sites like Facebook? Does it make you feel uncomfortable, or do you feel like you should know more and you don't?
Does your partner give you other reasons to not trust him - like flirting with others a lot when you are out together?
Has the frequency with which you have sex decreased?
Does your gut tell you something's wrong?