TresSugar

Serial Cheaters: Sex Addicts or Just Jerks?

TresSugar — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:10:00 -0700

I'm not a big sports fan, but I sure did hear about the big scandal with ESPN sports analyst Steve Phillips. He cheated on his wife with a young production assistant who became unhinged, messed with his family, and the result, not surprisingly, is that he lost his job, and his wife has filed for divorce.

Now that Phillips's life is in a shambles, he's checked into a rehab clinic for sex addiction. People are divided on whether or not this is a real affliction. Some say it's just a way for serial cheaters to hide their sociopathic behavior under a rubric - addiction - that may garner more sympathy from others.

Some therapists, on the other hand, think it's on par with gambling or drug and alcohol addictions. They say that sex addicts use sex for the same reasons other addicts use their drugs: to numb emotional pain or feelings of emptiness, to feel attractive or powerful, or to engage in high-risk behavior that masks underlying depression.

What do you think about serial cheaters who subsequently claim they're sex addicts? Are they sex addicts, or just jerks?

Hump Day: Is My Boyfriend a Sex Addict?

TresSugar — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's new sex advice column! Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for six months, and I’ve started feeling funny about the quality of our sex. At the beginning, sex was fantastic between us. We both have high sex drives, are creative in bed, and I think we both felt that we’d found our sexual soul mate.

Lately though, I’m feeling more and more objectified by him. He texts overly sexual things to me. (That’s fine, but how about an “I miss you!” every once in a while!) He wants to do rougher things, and although I don’t mind that and even find it a turn on, I'm beginning to feel less like a partner to him and more like an object. I know he’s really into porn, he masturbates a lot, has had lots of casual flings in the past and I’m beginning to wonder if he’s a sex addict.

What are the signs? What should I do? I care about him, but I am feeling suspicious that he no longer sees me as an equal, and I wonder if, with his insatiable appetite, he might even cheat on me. I know he’s done it in the past. Help! To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more.

Dr. Glickman's Answer:

First thing - good for you for listening to your intuition and your feelings on this. A lot of people ignore or don’t listen to those early warning signs, and that often leads to a worse situation. It’s important to pay attention to them when they first show up and I’m glad you did.

I hear the term “sex addict” used a lot. To be honest, there isn’t any consensus among therapists or sexologists about what it means and there is still a lot of debate about whether someone can be addicted to sex in the way that someone can be addicted to drugs, with all of the physiological effects that can have. At the same time, it seems pretty clear to me that some people have sexual compulsions that they have difficulty controlling or working with.

Now, maybe most people outside the sexology or therapy worlds don’t really care about the difference between sex addiction and compulsion. But I think it’s important to not throw the “addict” label at people (not that I’m suggesting that you’re doing that) because it can be really triggering. In my experience, it tends to create a lot of shame and judgment on top of whatever difficult feelings someone may have because of their actions. Of course, if someone wants to use the word to describe themselves, that’s fine. It’s about self-definition, after all.

Leaving aside the question of whether your boyfriend is a sex addict, I think that the place to start is the fact that you’re not getting what you want. From what you say, it sounds like you enjoy some of the same things, which can be helpful. But if you want sweetness and loving moments mixed in with the rough and tumble, that’s a totally fine thing to ask for. Have you spoken with him about that? If so, has he been open to hearing that? And what have the two of you agreed to do? If you haven’t raised this topic with him, why is that? What could make it easier for you to talk with him about it?

Along those lines, what about the non-sexual parts of your relationship? Are you getting your needs and desires met? Does this pattern extend into those realms, too? If he’s open to talking with you and finding ways to support your relationship, great! That’s a good starting point for working through how things are for your sexual connection. But if he’s not open to that in other arenas, that’s probably a good reason to reconsider whether being “sexual soul mates” is enough of a foundation for a relationship.

Assuming that you two are both willing to work on this together, there are a few directions that you could take things.

One of the challenges that can arise when someone explores some of their sexual desires is that it can cause a disconnection from their partner, especially if they go through a phase of wanting to focus on a particular set of fantasies to the exclusion of other ways of being sexual. I’ve seen people fall into those patterns when exploring many different sexual practices, although it seems to be especially likely when rougher sex is on the menu. I’m not aware of any research on the topic, but my sense is that for some people, the heightened intensity of the interaction can make it easy to get lost in the fantasy and hard to stay present and focused on the real life person they’re with. So finding ways to connect in other ways, such as sweet text messages or more romantic sex can be a big help.

You might want to take a vacation from the rougher sex for a while, at least until you can reconnect in other ways. Being able to ask for the types of connection that work for you can be a big help. I like the book The Five Love Languages for that. The author describes five basic ways of giving and receiving love and care (words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch). He also talks about how we tend to have our preferred method and that we often get into conflict because we’re using different languages, not because we don’t care for our partners. It’s a good read, although I personally don’t care for his biblical approach and had to filter that out. You can get the basic idea on this page of his website without getting into his particular religious perspective, if that works better for you.

It could also be worth talking with your boyfriend about why he wants to have rough sex. For that matter, you might also get a lot out of exploring what your motivations are, too. There are many different reasons people enjoy any type of sex and having a clear understanding of what yours and his are could be really helpful for both of you. If you’re clear about what you want to get out of it, you’ll be much more likely to be able to create the connection that you desire. If you go that route, I strongly suggest not having that conversation during or after sex. Set some time aside for it when you’re both feeling relaxed and ready.

Finally, if none of that works for you and things don’t change, or if he’s not open to talking about it, that may be a sign that things really aren’t going to change. Take a good look at the situation and listen to your feelings. (It sounds like you’ve already been doing that.) I think that whether your boyfriend is a sex addict is less important than whether he’s able and willing to sit down with you and talk about your relationship, and whether the two of you are able to engage in the give-and-take that all successful relationships need.

(Remember, if you have questions for Dr. Glickman, send them to TrèsSugar and we'll pass them along!)

Where's the Line Between Sex Addiction and Cheating?

DearSugar — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

In somewhat startling news, David Duchovny, who has two children with his wife, actress Tea Leoni, checked into rehab for sex addiction today. Though we often hear about stars heading to rehab for substance abuse, sex addiction enters a whole new territory of implications.

Some might say that admitting you need help for sex addiction is akin to saying you've been unfaithful. Although I'm glad to hear that Duchovny is seeking treatment, I wonder where the line between cheating and sex addiction is drawn. Reports imply that Leoni is supporting her husband through this ordeal, and I certainly respect both husband and wife for taking the means necessary to fix the issues in their marriage. But if it were me, I'm not sure I could be so understanding. If your significant other cheated but it was was a result of a sex addiction, would you be more likely to forgive him? Or in your opinion, is cheating cheating no matter the explanation?

Source

Group Therapy: Is My Boyfriend a Sex Addict?

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 10:00:00 -0800

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year, and we live together. I always knew he was flirtatious but never really thought anything of it. The last couple of months, though, things have been a bit weird - we've been fighting a lot and I felt like he was being secretive and hiding things from me. When I started to snoop, I found out that he had been emailing and messaging all sorts of different girls, sexually and completely inappropriately, on MySpace, Facebook, AIM, etc. I confronted him and he gave me a list of excuses: that he doesn't find me mentally stimulating so he goes outside of the relationship (online) for a quick fix, that he feels like our connection isn't there as much as it used to be, and that he thinks he has an online sex addiction.
His addiction claim sort of makes sense to me because he seems overly sex-crazed when it comes to looking at women online, but what makes me doubt it is that he only seeks out these women when we are in a fight! If it was truly a sex addiction, wouldn't he be doing it 24/7? If in fact it is a sex addiction, do I stay with him and try to work on this together or should I just leave the whole situation now before things get worse? I love him with all my heart but I don't know what to do. Please help!

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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War on Drugs Makes Women the Enemy

TresSugar — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 13:00:45 -0800

If you've been following the story of Cleveland's alleged serial killer Anthony Sowell, you know it's horrific. Eleven female bodies have been found in and around the man's home, leaving the public wondering how could these crimes go on undetected for years. Writing in the Daily Beast, Cleveland journalist Mansfield Frazier says he knows why: Sowell was able to kill drug-addicted women without anyone noticing because the war on drugs targets women. Let's examine the evidence he uses to support this allegation after the jump.

Do Tell: Has an Addiction Ever Ruined Your Relationship?

DearSugar — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 09:00:00 -0800

Being an addict has the ability to completely consume every aspect of your life, which can make it difficult to have a successful relationship. And since addictions come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, I wouldn't be surprised if an addiction to work, gambling, drinking, drugs, gaming, or shopping, just to name a few, has affected one your relationships. So ladies, tell me, has addiction ever played a role in any of your relationships?

Source

Is Love Addiction Real?

DearSugar — Thu, 01 May 2008 11:00:00 -0700

An article in The Daily Mail earlier this week showcased Claire Catford, an author who struggles with love addiction. She traces the beginnings of her addiction back to her teenage years and describes the escalating desperation and depression that her addiction caused her - the worst of which landed her in a rehab clinic. The article quotes Catford's experience:

"I was with heroin and cocaine addicts in rehab," says Clare, "and I realized that our addictions were fundamentally the same. Our lives were controlled by a chemical and physical need for our drug of choice, and by devastating withdrawal symptoms when that was taken away from us."

Though Catford's descriptions of her physical withdrawal symptoms are akin to those of drug addicts, there's something shocking about hearing someone compare their struggles with relationships to that of a heroin addict. I know that relationship dependency can take on the qualities of an emotional addiction, but whether that's worthy of rehab I'm just not sure. What has your own experience taught you? Is love addiction in these terms real? And if so, is rehab a good move or over the top?

Source

Sunday Confessional: I've Been a Selfish Sister

DearSugar — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

I'm 28 and the youngest of three children. My siblings and I had a challenging childhood; our dad disappeared from our lives when we were little, and our mother suffered from severe depression. My sister, the eldest, took on the responsibilities of taking care of my brother and me, even though she was only a few years older than us. As early as middle school I started to rebel, and I ended up getting into drugs and a series of abusive relationships later on.

In the process I also managed to completely alienate my sister. She was always there to help me, and I was always pushing her away. Some years ago, I did the unthinkable and hooked up with her boyfriend at the time - a man she was very in love with. She was destroyed, but she said that she knew it wasn't me. She told me she'd let it go if I checked into rehab, which she offered to pay for. After much begging, I agreed to go. But within a few weeks I left, and ended up costing my sister thousands of dollars. By that point she'd finally hit her limit, and told me she wanted me out of her life.

It's been five years and we haven't spoken, though I'm still in touch with my brother. I've cleaned up my life significantly, and I have a stable job for the first time in my life. My sister recently had her first baby, and I'm desperate to see them. But when I told my brother I was going to reach out to her, he told me not to because he doesn't think she'll be willing to see me. I know I've done some bad things, and I know I'm still imperfect, but don't you think my own sister should be able to forgive me?

Source

Does This Reality Go Too Far?

DearSugar — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 08:00:00 -0700

My new favorite show, Intervention, is gaining popularity by the second. It's the show I can't wait to discuss with my friends the next day and even though the people depicted are troubled and in dire need of help, I'm fascinated each and every episode. Of course reality TV isn't anything new, but this documentary takes the reality to a whole other level. A recent article in The New York Times said it best: "Nothing on television matches its freaky calculus of exploitation and good will. Cameras follow the addicts as they shoot up, freebase, panhandle and score."

Though I feel a little voyeuristic watching these people inflicting such pain on themselves and their loved ones, knowing that the end of the hour will lead to a happy ending - out of 102 addicts profiled on the show, only two have declined treatment - makes me feel a whole lot less guilty. So if you're a fan like me, glued to the TV every Monday night, tell me, is Intervention taking reality TV too far or does it make you realize all that you have to appreciate in your own life?

Source

You Asked: He Likes His Computer More Than Me

DearSugar — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend spends all day on the Internet. If I ask him a question while he's checking blogs, he dramatically takes off his headphones, presses pause on whatever music he's listening to, sighs and says "yes?" in a hostile tone. He checks all his favorite sites first thing in the morning, is on them when I get home from work, and is looking at them throughout the day. I think he feels that since we live together we're automatically spending "quality time together" by being in the same house even when we aren't interacting. Clearly, I feel differently, and his habits are driving me crazy.

Occasionally he makes jokes about being a bad boyfriend and ignoring me, but other than that we don't really discuss it. It's really starting to affect my self-confidence and our relationship. I just don't feel like a priority, and I'm coming in second to a computer screen! What can I do?

- Computer Woes Cassie

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Computer Woes Cassie,

No one should feel like she's less of a priority than her significant other's computer, and while normally I would simply suggest that you talk to him about how you're feeling, I think there might be something deeper going on here. I'm concerned that he seems to think ignoring you is somehow joke worthy, and that even though he's obviously aware that what he's doing isn't right, he continues to do it without regret or apology.

Consciously being hurtful or disrespectful to someone you love is not a good quality to have. Though everyone lashes out at their loved ones from time to time, it's a much different story to consistently put your needs ahead of someone else's even though you know it's causing them strife. Your boyfriend is doing the latter, and that's not OK. It's time to take the confrontational route and tell him that he can no longer put his Internet needs in front of your relationship. Be very clear on how what he does is both hurting you and deteriorating your relationship.

Suggest therapy as a means of combating his addiction to the web, and try to come up with a reasonable schedule for him to be online versus spending time with you. Try doing activities that get you outside of the house where he won't be inclined to hop on the computer. If he simply won't change or acknowledge your feelings then you may want to consider moving out and moving on.

Source