TresSugar

Relationship Protocol: Does He Cry in Front of You?

DearSugar — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Often, there’s a social stigma attached to men who cry. But of course, men get sad, too, and sometimes that sadness is reflected in tears. I mean, they’re only human. Most guys are more apt to keep this act to themselves, so when they enter into a relationship with someone they can trust, it can be a relief to have a literal shoulder to cry on. So does your significant other cry in front of you or does he keep his tears private, behind closed doors?

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Relationship Protocol: Touchy Subjects

DearSugar — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 15:00:00 -0700

As we make it through the personal successes, failures, and traumas of life, it’s inevitable that we pick up some sore spots along the way that when poked or nudged, can release a torrent of feelings. And just as we develop them on our own, it’s common for touchy subjects to arise as we encounter normal relationship issues. It could be something that consistently creates an argument or something that makes one person extremely uncomfortable, whatever it is, it always involves a lot of emotion. Do you and your significant other have any of these sensitive spots? Are there things you avoid talking about or have to tread lightly if you do?

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This or That: Overly Sensitive or Totally Insensitive?

DearSugar — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 16:00:00 -0700

Recently you received a huge promotion at work, and since then you’ve had another woman reporting directly to you. While she’s been very helpful as far as getting things done, she seems to have some kind of imbalance. For the most part she’s very sweet and understanding, but sometimes she just seems to snap. Would it be worse if . . .

This: Any time you offer her a suggestion, no matter how small, she starts tearing up and has to excuse herself to the bathroom? You’ve actually caught her sobbing in the stall; it’s both annoying and a poor reflection on you as her supervisor.

Or . . .

That: Whenever she’s having a bad day, she suddenly starts making rude and hurtful remarks about your personal life? She always says them in the guise of offering advice, but most of the time they're just mean.

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Dear Quiz: Are You Overly Sensitive?

DearSugar — Wed, 07 May 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Though being in touch with your emotions and knowing how to communicate them is a great trait, letting your emotions get the best of you can lead to more trouble and stress than it's worth. We all have our soft spots, but having a thick skin is important, too, otherwise you can end up an emotional wreck. Obviously, some of us are more sensitive than others, so take this quiz to see if you're too sensitive!

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If your boss offers you a negative critique, your first reaction is to . . .

Decide to prove her wrong.

Break down and cry as soon as you get back to your desk.

Shoot an email to a friend and ask to meet up for a postwork venting sesh.

Which best describes your crying habits?

I cry at the drop of a hat.

I cry often, but I try not to let myself overreact.

I only cry when I'm very upset.

You and your friend haven't been getting along lately and she tells you that she's upset with you. How do you handle it?

I try to understand her concerns and address mine too.

I just apologize to get it over with as quickly as possible.

I tear up as I defend myself.

If someone makes a mild joke at your expense, you . . .

Laugh it off even if it hurts my feelings a little.

Give the person a frown to let them know I'm not amused.

Tell her what she's saying is not OK.

Are you personally offended if someone questions your decisions or disagrees with you?

Yes, I don't appreciate being judged.

No, they're entitled to their own opinion.

It depends on the circumstances.

Overly-Sensitive Friends

DearSugar — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 09:00:00 -0700

The other night I was listening to a friend describe an argument that she’d had with a mutual friend of ours. She just couldn’t quite pinpoint what she had done wrong. She described the scenario and asked for my input because she genuinely felt terrible and didn’t know why her friend had such hurt feelings. We quickly realized that our friend is just plain old sensitive. Now, I absolutely adore my friends, imperfections and all, but dealing with an overly-sensitive friend takes a bit of finesse that’s sometimes hard to perfect. So ladies, have you ever had one? If so, do you have to approach her differently?

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What Do You Think About Guys Who Cry?

DearSugar — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 11:00:00 -0700

I am such a sucker for romantic comedies. I get all into the lovey-dovey storylines and always end up sobbing at one part or another.

I happen to think they're great movies to see with a new guy since they let you get a sense of how sensitive and carefree he is. You can see if you both laugh at the same parts, or if he has no sense of humor whatsoever.

But, what if you happened to glance over at a particularly touching scene, and saw your guy shed a tear? How would you feel? And what do you think about guys who cry openly? Do you love that they're not afraid to express their feelings, or do you think it's a sign of weakness?

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Hump Day: How Can I Become Multi-Orgasmic?

TresSugar — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I keep hearing about women who can have 'multiple orgasms' and I can't figure out exactly what this means. Does it mean a woman who can have more than one orgasm in a night? One orgasm after another with little downtime? (Is that even possible? Most women are so sensitive after having an orgasm!) Anyway, if it exists, is there a way I can become multi-orgasmic?" To hear Dr. Glickman's response, read more

Part of the challenge in defining “multiple orgasms” is that different people use the term to mean different things. For some women, it means more than one orgasm during a single sex session, whether they’re 5 minutes or 30 minutes (or more) apart. For other women, it means one after another, without much time between them.

You’re right that many women are extra sensitive after an orgasm, but not everyone. In fact, some women find that they can just keep going, especially if they change what they’re doing. For example, someone might find that she can have an orgasm from clitoral stimulation and then switch to penetration for a second one. Or maybe she might have one orgasm from oral sex, take a break for a bit with something else to keep the passion up, and then go back to oral sex for a second orgasm. And there are women out there who don’t need a break after one orgasm before they start building towards a second one.

Not all women can become multi-orgasmic, but many women can. Some women find that their ability to be multi-orgasmic can change over time, too. So if it doesn’t happen for you now, don’t stress about it. You may find that in a few years, something changes and suddenly, it falls into place.

One really great place to look for more info on how to do it is Mantak Chia’s book The Multi-Orgasmic Woman. He approaches sex from the Taoist tradition, which works with sexuality as a form of energy that we can learn to channel, harness, and expand. If you’re familiar with energetic practices such as yoga, this perspective might be familiar. He has a book for men and one for male/female couples, too.

Another place you could look for information about this is Tantra. While most people only know about Tantra as a laundry list of sex positions from the Kama Sutra, there’s actually a lot more to it than that. Tantra is a set of practices that teach you to work with your sexual energy and it can help you expand your ability to experience pleasure, deepen intimacy, and have multiple orgasms. There are some good books like Urban Tantra and Tantric Sex for Women, as well as some DVDs.

In my experience, the best way to learn about Tantra is through experiential workshops because these are techniques that are much easier to understand when someone is demonstrating them. Most Tantra classes are fully-clothed and many are designed for people to come solo, while others are for couples. You can find out more about Tantra or look for workshop teachers on www.tantra.com.

One thing that I do want to be clear on: not everyone can become multi-orgasmic. If it doesn’t happen for you, there’s nothing wrong with you. I’ve seen a lot of people become very goal-oriented about it and they often end up sabotaging themselves because they’re not actually enjoying the sex that they’re having. So I encourage you to try it out and see what works for you, but don’t get so caught up in it that you forget to have fun. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Are You Into Sensitive Men?

TresSugar — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Pretty much every serious boyfriend I've ever had has been a hidden softie. You'd never know it from the outside, but they tended to be emotionally open when it counted.

Some guys are always emotionally open, though, and like to tell you how they're feeling - a lot. Some even cry freely. I'm with screenwriter/all around Queen of Quips Nora Ephron on the crying business, though:

"Beware of men who cry. It's true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings, but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with are their own."

Is this fair? Are you into overtly sensitive men, or are you suspicious of them?

Are People With Sensitive Noses More Empathetic?

TresSugar — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 11:00:00 -0700

Are you cursed and blessed with a good sense of smell? Cursed because you smell every ungodly stink no matter how far away, and blessed because lovely smells affect you deeply?

Psychology professor Denise Chen at Rice University thinks you may also be more empathetic than your olfaction-challenged neighbor.

Sense of smell and emotions come from the same area of the brain (the limbic system), and Chen set out to test their connection. In an experiment with 22 pairs of dorm-dwelling women, Chen asked them all to sleep in identical t-shirts. The next morning, she presented each person with three t-shirts: one worn by her roommate, and two others worn by other people in the dorm. The women who were able to identify their roommates' t-shirts by smell alone also scored high in emotional tests.

"The olfactory brain overlaps with the emotional brain," said Chen, "and is believed to have contributed to its evolution." Do you have a good sense of smell or wish you did?

Do You Think You're Emotionally Intelligent?

TresSugar — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

In some ways, this is a trick question, because if you're not emotionally intelligent - defined very broadly as someone "particularly good at establishing positive social relationships with others, and avoiding conflicts, fights, and other social altercations" - you might think you are anyway!

But October is Emotional Intelligence month, and it seemed a good time to remind people, as Emotional Intelligence author Daniel Goleman claims in his book subtitle, that "it can matter more than IQ." We've all known the brilliant boss or friend who had a horrible temper or little ability to empathize and couldn't figure out why, in the case of the boss, no one ever stuck around for long, or, in the case of the friend, people had to break up with them they were so toxic.

Some traits of emotional intelligence?

1. Having the ability to accurately perceive emotions in oneself and others.
2. Using emotions to facilitate thinking.
3. Being able to understand emotional meanings, being sensitive.
4. Being able to manage emotions.

So if you're paranoid everyone's out to get you, or that everything someone says is a perceived slight justifying angry outbursts, but nothing you say or do should bother others . . . you might need a higher EQ. (Some believe this can be worked on, others say it's inborn.)