TresSugar

Comments du Jour: TrèsSugar Readers Reach Out

TresSugar — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 19:47:25 -0700

Yesterday's post asking you if anyone had ever made a comment about your looks you never forgot generated a flood of awful memories, reminding us all how tough it is to be a girl sometimes in a looks-obsessed world. A few readers reached out to give their fellow commenters some reassurance and kind words; here are just three examples and I suggest that everyone takes them to heart!

"These comments are so sad. I wish I could just make us all forget these awful comments and be happy." - janneth

"I just want to give all of the other posters a huge hug!!! I know all of the terrible things that have been said to you are LIES." - lawchick

"These posts make me so sad! Women are amazing and beautiful and sexy and every other good adjective you can think of! My Grandma once made a comment, very loudly and in front of my entire family, 'Stephanie, how many cookies have you had?' I was incredibly embarrassed. Thankfully, I married a man who likes a woman with a little 'junk in the trunk' and I have a pretty good body image. Plus, having two daughters that are so in love with their bodies has really put me in a good place with my body!" - doogirl

What Do You Consider Beautiful?

DearSugar — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 12:00:00 -0800

If you tuned into Oprah yesterday, you'd see just how true the statement "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" is. Mara Schiavocampo of NBC news traveled around the word to find out how different cultures define beauty. She discovered that big butts and ankles are considered beautiful in Mauritania, a perfect nose is ideal for Iranian women, and straight hair and pale skin is what Japanese women go to great lengths to achieve. Since the American standard of beauty is different from those around the globe, it's more clear to me than ever just how many of us succumb to the pressures of societal norms. Of course, it's all about what makes us feel good from the inside out, but tell me ladies, what do you consider beautiful?

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Group Therapy: I Need to Find Myself

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 11:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I broke up for a short time about two weeks. Though it was brief, it forced me to look at myself and the person I have become. I focus a lot on my boyfriend and me as a team and never pay too much mind to myself as an individual. I don't have real hobbies and enjoy the time I spend with my boyfriend who seems to brighten up even the most boring situation. I know that while that's normal, finding things that are enjoyable that I can do alone may end up being a bit more healthy.

I am 22 years old, suffer from depression, but truly love life, and I don't want to continue wasting it and not thinking about myself and my happiness. After the short breakup, I was utterly heartbroken, and now I have this urgency to do something to make me happy, and not just depend on him for it. I am at a complete loss as to what to do, and I feel strange for that. I feel like what I am striving for - a hobby, independence, or happiness - is completely unattainable. Has anyone felt like this? What did you do to pull yourself together and start caring about you?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: How Do I Get Him Back?

DearSugar — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I spent four months dating a really great guy. We broke up five months ago when he decided it was too hard, which it was. He works full time and goes to school. I also work full time, but my schedule changes every week. During the relationship. I did the same thing I've been doing all my life, and took the blame for everything that went wrong. It bothered him that I never shared my opinions because I've been programmed to feel that my opinion isn't worth much.

Recently I have been trying to stay away from him (to give him space) and started going to therapy for my low self-esteem. What else can I do to show him that he really does matter to me, and that we can both be happy? He never lied to me or failed to be there when I needed him for something. He's worth the work I'd have to put into the relationship. He's better then what I could possibly deserve even with his own imperfections. How can I get him back?

- Want Him Back Becca

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more.

Dear Want Him Back Becca,

It's great to hear that you're trying to work on your self-esteem and insecurities, but it still sounds like your expending more energy trying to get your ex back than figuring out how to make yourself happy without him. If one of the biggest obstacles in your relationship was your lack of self-confidence, by working hard to retrain your mind and grow your confidence, you will naturally open up yourself to a relationship (perhaps with someone who's schedule is more in tune with your own.)

Breakups are incredibly difficult, and letting go of someone that you feel close to hurts, but I recommend doing whatever you can to let your ex take a back seat while you continue to work on believing in yourself and building your self-esteem. Once you've given yourself time to heal and some space to grow, re-examine your past relationship and then decide if it's really something you want to pursue again. By that time, you'll likely have the confidence and spirit you need to easily start a new relationship if need be. Good luck to you.

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Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Is Constantly Putting Himself Down!

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 03:00:55 -0800

My boyfriend and I have been together for about two months. He says a lot of negative things about himself, about his weight, where he bought his house, his job, his lack of a college degree, etc.

I think he's wonderful, and I tell him so. But I can still tell that he - at age 29 - has a very low opinion of himself. How can I deal with this? Will he ever grow out of it?

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The How-To Lounge: Combating a Case of the Uglies

DearSugar — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 10:00:00 -0700

All women get PMS, but it affects every woman differently. If you suffer from cramps or headaches, luckily for you there is a plethora of over the counter medication at your fingertips to cure those symptoms, but what if you suffer from the worst PMS symptom out there -- the uglies? Well, here are some tips to help combat feeling just icky right before, or during your period.

Click here to read more

If you have a case of the uglies, keep it in perspective -- you're probably the only one that sees how you feel
It's important for every woman to have a "feel good outfit" -- something they know they look good in, regardless of how they feel on the inside
We all have suffered from bad hair days, so master what to do with your locks on one of those off days. Some women simply slick it back in a low ponytail, some wear a headband, others tie it in a loose bun, whatever suits your fancy
Eat something refreshing. When you feel bloated and just all around gross, eating healthy foods is bound to make you feel better about yourself
Walk with your head held high. Feeling crummy on the inside shouldn't bring down your entire day so treat yourself well. Buy yourself a little pick me up, bring home flowers, make plans with friends, get a drink with a co-worker, or opt for a long soak in the tub after work and cuddle up with a good book

When you're in the thick of feeling less than your usual perky self, try to remember that these symptoms will subside. The tips above tend to help me out, but ladies, if you have any other that help for you, please share them in the comments below. I know I sure would appreciate all the pointers I can get!!

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Motivation is Key

DearSugar — Tue, 22 May 2007 09:30:00 -0700

I have been receiving many e-mails from women who are having a hard time motivating themselves to take off those extra 5 pounds before bikini season, so I am here to let you all know that dedication is key when it comes to bettering yourself. The first small steps are always the hardest when creating life changes and fighting off low self-esteem so I hope these tips in this How-to Lounge will help jump start your mind, body and soul.

Click here to read more

Make a commitment to yourself. No matter if your end result is getting those skinny jeans zipped or dropping your blood pressure, you must make a pact with yourself and feel your inner desire to make a life change
Make a list and write down what you want to improve on and how you intend to make those changes. Sometimes writing down your feelings brings a new sense of clarity to cloudy emotions
Having a support system is key. While life changes will only happen if you make it happen, having support from a friend or motivation coach will help when you need a jump start
If you struggle with getting up early to hit the stairmaster, you're not alone, so a boot camp or work out class might be a better option for you. Joining a tennis team or volleyball league is another route that will not only get you outside, but will give you the drive to compete and feel relied upon
Throughout your journey, be prepared to have some slip ups, but don't lose faith. We are only human so don't let one night of overindulgence or a weekend without your running shoes make you a quitter. Pick up right where you left off and don't be too hard on yourself
Major changes will not happen overnight so be patient
Some people find success with rewards. If you fall into that category, find healthy ways to congratulate yourself for a job well done

Even the most successful and self confident people struggle with motivation from time to time. I wish there was an easy quick fix, but unfortunately making life changes takes a lot of work. Be strong and brave -- once you get started, the end result won't be too far away. Good luck!

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Dear Poll: Do You Have High Self-Esteem?

DearSugar — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

According to Merriam-Webster, self-esteem is defined as “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself." That sums it up, but I think it’s so much more. Self-esteem is about defining yourself outside of other’s perceptions. It’s about recognizing that you’re an imperfect person and that that’s OK. People with high self-esteem naturally make those around them feel more comfortable and confident, while persons with low self-esteem can easily end up closing themselves off from others. I know we all grapple with insecurities - that’s just part of being human - but would you say that you have high self-esteem?

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Do Celebrities Make You Feel Better or Worse About Yourself?

DearSugar — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 15:00:00 -0700

It's no secret that Americans have a fascination with celebrities. Of course knowing that they live in a completely different world than we do makes admiring them from a far all the more fun, but new research shows that praising celebrities can actually improve self-esteem in those that suffer from low self-esteem. Jaye L. Derrick and Shira Gabriel of the University at Buffalo said:

Connections to celebrities - or parasocial relationships - can allow people with low-self esteem to view themselves more positively. . . . These parasocial relationships, which have very low risk of rejection, offer low self-esteem people an opportunity to reduce their self-discrepancies and feel closer to their ideal selves.

While I find this research interesting, I happen to feel the exact opposite - though I would never want to be a celebrity myself, I do look at them through envious eyes. It's their perfect exterior that makes me feel inferior, even though I'm fully aware of all the help, time, and effort it takes to make them look that way. What about you? How do you feel when you compare yourself to celebrities? Do they make you feel better or worse about yourself?

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Group Therapy: I Need a Confidence Boost

Sat, 06 Dec 2008 10:00:00 -0800

How do you develop better self-esteem, self-confidence, and the ability to stand up for yourself? I have struggled with this all my life. I am horrible at saying no to people, and am really bad at sticking up for myself. Even if it's clear that I'm being mistreated or manipulated, I always just concede in order to keep the peace or to save the relationship; whether that be a friendship or a romantic relationship. I realize I do this and I realize it's resulted in me being pushed around and controlled, but I just don't know how to correct it. Any advice?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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