TresSugar

True Confession - I Caved and Now I Feel Weak

DearSugar — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 07:00:00 -0700

I'm sure many of you have been in a similar situation, so weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.

"I wish I had put my clothes back on and walked out instead of listening to your excuses. I feel weak for giving you another shot."

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Is the Second Time Around Better Than the First?

DearSugar — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Over the last few weeks, we've heard of two celebrity couples possibly reconciling their separations. First it was Sean and Robin Wright Penn and now Shaquille O'Neal and his wife Shaunie, who filed for divorce back in 07, have been spotted together. While I'm a believer in second chances, when it comes to relationships, I sometimes feel that if it doesn't work out the first time, it won't the second time either. But to play devil's advocate, it worked for Christy Turlington and Ed Burns! So ladies, what's your take on breaking up and getting back together? Do you think the second time around could be better than the first?

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Dear Poll: Do You Believe in Second Chances?

DearSugar — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Did any of your catch Britney Spears on How I Met Your Mother last night? If not, the few minutes of screen time that she got was actually pretty funny, and she looked surprisingly good, too! I've always been a big fan of Brit's, and even though she's hit rock bottom on more than one occasion, I keep cheering her on because I'm a firm believer that everyone deserves a second chance. Sure, she's had more than her fair share of chances to redeem herself, but sometimes it takes the third or fourth go around before things just click. Since no one is perfect, what I want to know is, do you believe in second chances?

Photo courtesy of CBS

Dear Poll: Would You Go Out Again if He Didn't Call?

DearSugar — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 16:00:00 -0700

Being single can be hard, and dating can be tough, tiring, and oftentimes hard on the ego. I am sure we have all been there - you go on what you think is a great date, you end it with a good night kiss, he says he's going to call you and low and behold, you never hear from him!! What's up with that?? Of course the initial blow stings, but eventually, you get over it. But what happens when you run into that guy again after your wound heals and he asks you out again. Would you give the guy another chance if he admitted that he was wrong and stupid for not calling? Would you run the risk of history repeating itself or would you be stubborn and politely tell him, you snooze, you lose buddy!

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Group Therapy: Can I Still Find Love?

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 04:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend of three years recently broke up with me. We lived together and even talked about getting married, but one day he just came home and said he didn't love me anymore and that I wasn't enough for him. As devastated as I was, I actually feel it was for the best.

The problem is that I fear he was my only chance at love. I'm in my late 20s, in business school, and I'm the only single one left in my group of friends. Do girls like me get a second chance? It just seems hard to believe that I could find another man who would love me for who I am without coming to the conclusion that he could do better. Are there men out there looking for a nerdy girl who is not gorgeous, but who is a good person?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]
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You Asked: Is This My Second Chance?

DearSugar — Tue, 06 May 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of two and a half years broke up with me almost three months ago. I was devastated and completely broken-hearted, but I realized that by breaking up with me, he actually saved my life. I had been slowly falling into a deep depression over the last four months of our relationship and denied every bit of it to myself. He saw through it and tried to help me, but I pushed him away. After he crushed my world, I was forced to face reality and deal with my demons.

Now it's three months later, and I already feel like a whole new person. But I've been thinking of him constantly. We hadn't spoken once since we broke up, until he texted me the other day to ask how I was doing. Obviously I was thrilled, and we ended up talking for an hour, at the end of which he asked me if I would want to meet up some time soon. I'm really excited, but I also don't want to read into this too much or screw things up if he does want to get back together. How should I approach him at dinner?

- Second Chance Sandra

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Second Chance Sandra,

It's wonderful to hear that you used the breakup with your boyfriend to examine and overcome some of the issues that you had been previously ignoring. It sounds that you're in a very positive place emotionally speaking, which is a good time to pursue a relationship. As for the approaching meetup, avoid thinking of it as a date, but more as a chance for you guys to reconnect on a friend level. This will help mentality reduce any pressure and allow you to get a sense of whether or not he's interested.

When broaching the idea of getting back together with someone, it's always important to remember why you broke up in the first place. Consider in detail the problems you faced in your relationship, as most of them don't just go away, even if you've had a few months apart. It's also important to be aware that if you don't address them, they're likely to start up again right where you both left them. In your case, consider the role your depression played in the relationship and the breakup: Was it the cause or the effect? Most importantly, take things with your ex one step at a time, and should you guys choose to get back together, don't be afraid to communicate all of your concerns with him. Good luck!

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You Asked: Should I Give this Guy a Second Chance?

DearSugar — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar --

I have a very confounding problem. My boyfriend's best friend just moved to our city, which is very thrilling for my boyfriend, who has been pals with this guy since childhood, however, he not only has a severe drinking problem (a functioning alcoholic, if you will) but spent his last visit saying offensive things to complete strangers and (here it comes) touching me inappropriately.

We were in a large crowd at a concert and I guess he thought he could sneak in a few hip grabs, "accidental" ass brushes and hand holds (all of which I thwarted). It made me incredibly uncomfortable and was amplified by the fact that he was wasted. By the end of the concert, he was picking fights, attracting unwanted attention from security guards, shouting and throwing stuff. Finally, THIS was the most disturbing and worrisome thing: at one point when I was talking to my boyfriend, he leaned over and very purposefully put the flame of a lit lighter right underneath my calf, giving me a tremendous scare and almost burning me. My boyfriend only witnessed this particular incident and verbally chastised him but later seemed to chalk it up to a "haha, he's just crazy like that" moment.

I am obviously in shock and total awe that this person will now be a permanent fixture in our lives. The friend is also very demanding of my boyfriend's time and seems to be borderline obsessed with him. To make matters worse, he will be staying in my boyfriend's apartment until he can find his own place.

My boyfriend is not oblivious of his friend's problems and has expressed concern for the amount of time and energy he will require, but he insists that he just wants to help give the guy a chance to straighten out his life and succeed. I respect his rationale and have not raised a single complaint about this impending event, but how on earth do I cope with this person? I would never try to come between them but I will certainly not sit around and let him drunkenly grope me. I haven't mentioned this stuff to my boyfriend yet and don't know if I should sit on these feelings until I see they're justified or go ahead and tell the boyfriend about my worry over his friend's shenanigans, which could potentially wound their friendship. I mean, should I be giving this guy a second chance? Opinions please! --Stuck in Between a Rock Rachel

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Stuck in Between a Rock Rachel --

Let me first say that you are being very mature about this whole situation, however I am far from excusing this guy's behavior. It's totally inappropriate for him to grab at you and physically harm you, even though he meant the lighter incident to be playful. I understand that you don't want to get in between their friendship, but what kind of a friend is this guy to your boyfriend if he is making you feel uncomfortable? Not a very good one if you ask me.

If you're not quite ready to rock the boat and are willing to give him a chance to redeem himself, could you ask your boyfriend to move in with you until he finds his own place? That way you can keep more distance from him and he can get a taste for what "real life" would be for him once he gets settled. If they stay together in his apartment, it's going to feel like vacation for both of them making it easier to get into some good old buddy trouble together, aka over drinking, saying offensive things to complete strangers, or even mishandling you. Since your boyfriend is aware of his shenanigans, hopefully he can set a good example and keep him in line so he does have that chance to straighten out his life and succeed like he says he wants to do at this time.

In the meantime, if this guy keeps up his derelict behavior and continues to make you feel uncomfortable, you're going to have to speak up. I can guarantee you that your boyfriend would want to know what's going on between you two. Good luck and I hope everything works out!

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You Asked: Doesn't He Deserve a Second Chance?

DearSugar — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

Last week, I was at my boyfriend's home and we got into an argument. We were drinking and the fight escalated into a screaming match. He called me some terrible names and proceeded to get my family involved in our problem. That night, after I got home, he continued calling my mother and threatened her job. He also called her a name. After this situation, we broke up and didn't speak for over a week. I got angry that he never tried to apologize and swore that we would never be together again. I was angry and hurt. My mom was my shoulder.

Time passed, and he finally called to apologize to me after he had time to assess the situation. He also called my mother and wrote her a letter to apologize to her. However, my mother now refuses to have anything to do with him. She will not accept his calls or letters. This was an isolated incident and I am certain that he is deeply sorry. Though he can never take these words back, I am a forgiving person and do not want to throw away 2 years over one mistake. My mom is not swayed. Her opinion of him has changed entirely and she does not agree with me seeing him. We are not back together - we are giving it time to see if we are meant to be - but what should I do when the time comes to tell her we are working it out? Doesn't he deserve a second chance?

--Forgiving Frieda

To see DEARSUGAR's Answer read more

Dear Forgiving Frieda--

You have to understand that your mom is looking out for your physical and emotional safety. Ultimately, it is not up to her to "accept" your boyfriend, although I understand that that is what you hope. The thing is, he involved her in the fight too, and although he has apologized, for your mom it sounds like one explosive outburst was one too many.

If you forgive him deep in your heart, and chalk this up to a one-time thing, then I understand why you would still want to be with him. Are you at all concerned that he could lose his temper again? I am sure your mom is worried that could happen which is probably the reason why she does NOT want you two to be together.

For your mom to forgive him, it might take a long time, or she may never forgive him at all. He will have to prove he's worthy of her trust and forgiveness by treating you with the love and respect that you deserve. Continue to keep up the close relationship and open communication you have with your mother. Time is a great healer and hopefully your boyfriend will prove himself to both of you. Good luck!

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Ask a Party Planner: Should I Date Outside My Religion?

TresSugar — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

This week, a party planner offers advice to a woman unsure about a new love interest. After you read her answer, be sure to check out our Group Therapy group where I found this question.

Today's Question:

I'm a single 32-year-old woman and I am under immense pressure to get married from my family and community. I have been single for two years since my last relationship, and four months ago I met this guy and started dating him. We quickly got close and we really care for each other. He wants me to be his girlfriend now, however there a few issues with us - he is only 28 and from another religion. If this goes anywhere, then we are sure to face opposition from both our families. We are from cultures where our families mean a lot to us.

We have talked about this being a long-term relationship, but we have yet to figure out if we will end up married since it's obviously too early. I'm wondering if I should date other guys while we figure this out. I really don't want to, but my friends warn me to not put all my eggs in one basket, especially when he is four years younger than me. I also worry that our religions will come between us in the future.

What should I do? Date other guys, or be his girlfriend and see this through?

Signed, Unsure

To see the party planner's answer, read more.

Dear Unsure,

It seems like there are two issues here: first, his age, and second, your religions. Let's discuss.

I think you should not worry about his age. Twenty-eight is old enough to be in a serious, committed relationship if that's what he wants. Like you said, it's early in the relationship, so you can't predict whether you two are going to get married. But there is only one way to find out - by dating him exclusively.

As for the religion issue: this is something to seriously consider. But I think you need to figure out if you're willing to date someone with a different background - is it worth it to you, not your family, to work through the inevitable obstacles (like choosing how to celebrate holidays, or how to raise kids)? As for your family, I think that they will be more supportive than you think. If you're happy, they should be happy for you too. And you say this guy really values his family, so I think it's great that you found someone who thinks his family is important - just like you do.

If you really like this guy, it's worth giving it a chance. Good luck.

Signed,
A party planner

High School Reunions Offer a Second Chance For Popularity

TresSugar — Wed, 13 May 2009 12:00:00 -0700

High school reunions may warrant a fresh haircut and a new outfit, but some people go to extremes to impress former nerds, band geeks, jocks, and cheerleaders.

CNN has rounded up some examples. One struggling writer concocted a lie that he wrote the movie Tootsie - and everyone bought it!

Another woman, Andrea, hated high school, so she hired a stripper to go as her to the reunion. Andrea went so far as to plant an earpiece in "Cricket's" ear to feed her information and outrageous statements. And you better believe Cricket demonstrated her dancing skills, posing as Andrea, of course.

The thought of confronting old crushes or the mean girls (or maybe the girls you were mean to) can put a lot of pressure on people. Do you view high school reunions as a competition to prove you've turned out the best, or are the popularity contests so like, totally over?

To see a video of the stripper crashing the reunion, read more.

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