TresSugar

Where Do You Stand: Scheduled Sex Dates

DearSugar — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 12:00:00 -0700

We're all busy people. Many of us work or go to school full time. We take care of our dogs, our homes, or our children. We spend time at the gym, with our friends and family, and we run around doing errands on the weekends. The stress and busyness of everyday life can unfortunately take away time spent with our significant others, forcing couples to pencil each other in for special dates and intimacy.

Sometimes having a scheduled sex date is exciting, knowing all day that you have a hot date planned after work, then other times it can feel forced. So ladies, where do you stand on scheduled sex dates? Do you think it's important to set aside times for this kind of intimacy if you're too busy for it to come naturally? Or is sex better when it's spontaneous and unplanned?

Source

Handle This: He Only Dates on a Schedule

DearSugar — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 15:00:00 -0700

A couple months ago you started dating a guy that you met through an online site. He’s kind, intelligent, and funny, and though you haven’t had sex yet, the making out has been great so far. But he doesn’t ever seem like he wants to take it further. Stranger still, he refuses to see you other than Wednesday nights and Saturdays due to his "hectic schedule." You completely understand the demands of work, but after two months this seems really inexplicable. You have another Wednesday night date planned tonight, so how do you handle this?

Source

Do Tell: Favorite Day of the Week to Have Sex?

DearSugar — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 10:00:00 -0800

Sex in a relationship is extremely important, and it's sad that with today's economy, many couples are too stressed to have sex, or too busy to make time for it. Some couples are getting creative, however, and in a recent poll from Consumer Reports, 45 percent of couples are actually scheduling sex dates! Couples realized that if it was in their datebook, it was easier to prioritize love making instead of saying "not tonight, dear."

It may sound unsexy, but scheduled sex is better than no sex at all, right? So whether you think pre-planned sex is romantic or not, tell me this: What's your favorite day of the week to have sex?

You Asked: My Friend With Benefits Doesn't Make an Effort

DearSugar — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 14:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I had a horrible breakup not too long ago, and so I'm not currently dating right now. I'm OK with being single, but the one thing that I am not a fan of is the lack of sex. I started up a sex-buddy relationship with an ex of mine that I'm still really good friends with because we're both unattached, but I never see him! Our schedules are hard to coordinate and I don't feel that he makes the effort. I read your rules on casual sex, but I don't know how to talk to him about our lack of sex or even if I should since we're not in an actual relationship. I would think that he would be jumping at the chance for hot sex with no strings attached! Should I confront him about this or am I better off just leaving it alone?

- Sexless Stacey

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Sexless Stacey,

It's true that the general idea behind a friends-with-benefits situation is that you actually get to have sex when you want, but it's also a situation centered on convenience - yours and his. By broaching this subject with him, you're automatically redefining your relationship and venturing out of the casual and into the emotional. If you want this guy to just be your sex buddy then you have to accept the flippant nature of that relationship. But instead of dealing with all of that, why not give yourself a hand and use a vibrator! I know it's not the same as having sex, but the perks are unbeatable - it comes with absolutely no drama and it's available whenever you want it!

Source

How Can I Spice Things up in the Bedroom?

DearSugar — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 08:00:00 -0700

I have so many friends that have been in a relationship for over a year, who are complaining that the fire is less than blazing in the bedroom. The beginning was all fireworks and romance, and now it's such an effort to keep things going sexually.

It's totally normal for couples to hit a dry spot. The excitement of getting to know someone new wears off and while having tons of sex all the time used to seem appealing, now it's just tiring and let's be honest, who has the time? After a while, your relationship changes, and the lust and passion gets replaced with a level of comfort and unconditional love. This is a wonderful level two people can share, but that doesn't mean sex should be forgotten. Here are some ways you can keep the spark alive.

Distance definitely makes the heart grow fonder. Just because you are "together" doesn't mean you have to do everything with the other person all the time. Go on little weekend trips with your girlfriends, sign up for weekly yoga classes, or walk your dog by yourself. Doing things away from your significant other will give you both a chance to miss one another.
On the other hand, if you're having a problem connecting because your work schedules are so different, set up "Date Nights." Pick one night a week where you know it's just you two. Make dinner together, go see a show, rent a movie - whatever you choose. It's something you can both look forward to.

Want to hear the other ideas? Then read more

Make a point to go to bed early. If you both slip into bed by 9pm, no one can say "Babe - it's too late for that. At this stage in the game, scheduling your intimacy might be the only way to ensure that it happens.
Don't eat a huge meal right before bedtime. It's bad for your body and makes you feel too sluggish for fun. Try to eat a lighter dinner or finish eating at least 2 hours before you're planning on hitting the sheets.
Play the YOUR Turn - MY Turn game.
Bring something new into the bedroom - A sex toy, a book on sexual positions, erotic music, porn videos (some couples love watching them together), or massage oil. Adding a new ingredient to your regular love-making recipe may be just the thing to deepen your sexual experience.
Bring sex to a new place. Spend the night at a hotel, rent a beach house, go camping, or drive your car down a county road, even another room in your house will do the trick. A change of scenery and some time away can be relaxing and a real turn on.

GiggleSugar Interviews Margaret Cho!

GiggleSugar — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 04:00:00 -0700

When I think of Margaret Cho, I think of her hilarious standup act in flashes of representative scenes. There's Margaret telling everyone how weird it is to be an Asian American on an airplane with a flight attendant offering you Asian chicken salad. ("That is not the salad of my people!") There's Margaret imitating her mother's cute Korean accent and puzzling over gay men and their, uh, interest in "the ass." And then there's Margaret imagining how period-centric the world would be if men menstruated. The busy comedian/activist/all-around rad diva took some time out of her schedule to talk with us about her many projects, including VH1's The Cho Show (the second episode airs tomorrow), what it's like to have a day named after you in San Francisco, and who is hotter: Lindsay Lohan or Samantha Ronson?

Source

To check out the interview (and/or to listen to it!), read more.

GiggleSugar: People feel very connected to you personally. Do you have any funny or crazy fan stories?

Margaret Cho:
People really connect with me for a lot of different reasons. I was the first Asian American person they ever saw on TV, and I was the first person to talk about gay stuff. I think when people see images of themselves in the media they feel like they matter, they exist and they‘re real so a lot of my connection with people who are fans of mine, it goes deeper than just an entertainment or artist kind of relationship, so I don’t really have like, a funny or weird fan story.

GS: You have a lot on your plate right now, particularly with The Cho Show which premiered on VH1 last week. I really love the chemistry you have with Selene, your gay friends, and your parents. It seemed to me like a 21st-century family.

MC: It’s like this beautiful, queer, multicultural, and very functional family. It’s really beautiful.

GS: Can you tell me what your vision for the show was?

MC: Well, I wanted to do a show about another Asian American family because I brought the first Asian American family to TV (All-American Girl) and I then I was alarmed that there had not been another one.

GS: Race, and sexuality and gender have been really central to your work and have inspired lots of people to join comedy who might not have felt like they could be a part of it. What do you think the state of race issues in comedy is these days?

MC:
It’s a big deal. Race is still very much a factor in how much we see of you. Like I look at my contemporaries, the people I started with are people like Ben Stiller, and I feel like, considering the difference in our careers, and how far he goes . . . he’s white, he’s straight, he’s a man. I think he’s great, I like him a lot, but . . .Race is a big factor in how successful people become.

GS: With some comedians I get the sense that they’re saying we’re post-identity, post-race, they think race doesn’t matter as much because now we’re all liberated . . .

MC: No! It’s just as bad as it always was. It’s incredibly sexist, incredibly racist, and incredibly homophobic. There’s no difference. It’s not liberated.

GS: I’m wondering if you saw the pictures of the Spanish basketball team . . .

MC:
Oh, yeah. That to me is so offensive but I feel that to them it was supposed to be affectionate. That’s how you’re affectionate, by showing racism. I think that there’s such a casual attitude towards racism against Asians that exists because I feel like the Asian community at large and especially the Asian-American community is not responsible enough to stand up to it and so I feel like it’s my responsibility to stand up to it.

GS: Who are some of the comics who inspired you and who are some of your favorite comedians now, and why?

MC:
When I was growing up, probably Joan Rivers or Richard Pryor or George Carlin or Steve Martin, Whoopi Goldberg, Paula Poundstone. Major huge influence. Love her. And now Wanda Sykes is my favorite. Chris Rock. Dave Chapelle. Bobby Lee. I’m a big fan of comedy.

GS: Do you see comedy evolving?

MC: I feel like comedians are becoming political - they’ve always been political - but they’re becoming more political now, and are even invited into the political realm to talk about politics. I’m an Obama campaign surrogate so to me that’s a very exciting thing to do. And so, I think, comedy has evolved and people are taking us more seriously as social commentators. Which is really cool.

GS: This is more a personal question but is also related to your humor. In your earlier shows like The Notorious C.H.O. you talk a lot about your experimentation when you were younger with sex, drugs and being kinda self-destructive. Do you regret any of that or do you think it contributed to who you are now and to your humor?

MC: I don’t regret that. I feel like . . . I want the brain cells back. (Laughs.) That’s the hard part . . .

GS: Don’t we all!

MC: Cuz I remember I used to be so lightning fast and it was like really crazy how smart I was. And now I’m just f*ckin’ so dumb, and I can’t remember sh*t.

GS: I think that’s age, too, cuz I’m right there with you.

MC: Yeah, but it’s f*ckin’ drugs. For me, it was totally drugs. I have huge gaps.

GS: But you weren’t a huffer or anything? (Laughs.)

MC: No, but you know, I did every drug, and a lot.

GS: You were a San Francisco girl, how could you avoid it?

MC: It’s so fun, but I miss the brain cells.

GS: They’ll regenerate. I think. (Laughs.) So, speaking of San Francisco, how does it feel to have a Margaret Cho day christened by the mayor?

MC: That was April 30. That was just last April. It was really cool and I actually work with Mayor Newsom a lot, because he and I are big gay marriage advocates.

GS: And your parents are still in San Francisco?

MC:
No, they moved. They’re in San Diego now.

GS: They’re so cute!

MC: They’re really cute.

GS: Your parents seem so not uptight!

MC: Well, they have their moments of getting super-uptight. They can’t fight their culture all the time. They can be pretty uptight sometimes and annoying. But they’re super-sweet and really fun, too.

GS: How does it feel to be successful and to also remain rebellious? Do you still feel like an outsider?

MC: I’ll always be an outsider because of who I am. There’s never going to be a feeling where I feel like I’ve arrived or I’m comfortable, but I feel like I’ve created my own thing. I love performing, I love doing standup comedy, and I love writing.

GS: You’ve been married for six years.

MC: We’ve been together for like 10. We’ve been married forever!

GS: But you still identify as bi or queer.

MC: For sure. Which I’ll always be. That doesn’t change.

GS: That’s wonderful. Are there any other projects that you’re working on that you’d like to talk about?

MC:
I’m doing a show for the Lifetime Channel now called Drop Dead Diva which is a comedy/drama. I play a legal secretary which is really cool and funny. I have to cover up my tattoos in a suit and be super-vanilla which is cool and which I love. And it’s a great show and then I’m going to finish out my tour dates, and then I’m gonna see if I finish out season two of The Cho Show. (I hope we are!) But we don’t know yet.

GS: What are some things that your fans might not know about you that would surprise them?

MC: Like, I am really a dog mom.

GS: Oh . . . ! [This is where I kept quiet about my cat fetish.]

MC: I have three dogs. They’re my whole life.

GS: Silly questions, now. Either or questions: Strawberry or grape-flavored gum?

MC: I can’t chew gum because I’m such a spaz like I would bite the inside of my mouth so much and bite my tongue and then my whole mouth would be filled with blood. It’s really stupid. I’m really dumb about chewing gum. I’m not sure how to. Sometimes, I’m super dumb about stuff. The other thing I’m dumb about is I don’t know how to do the laundry.

GS: I wish I didn’t know how to do the laundry and then I could make someone else do it. Granny panties or thongs?

MC: Um, I’d say thongs. But I do appreciate a granny panty in moderation.

GS: Lindsay Lohan or Samantha Ronson?

MC: Oooh. I love Samantha. (GS: I know!) MC: She’s such a hot dirty butch. I like her a lot.

MC: That’s it Margaret, thank you so much for your time. I hope to catch your show, Beautiful, in Santa Rosa!

You Asked: He Wants Sex Late at Night

DearSugar — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I went to a bar with some friends about a month ago and met this great guy, the bartender actually. He asked for my number that night and we’ve been dating ever since. Our relationship is amazing. We have a lot in common, he makes me laugh, helps fix things around my apartment, is so sweet with my baby niece, and we have the MOST amazing mind-blowing sex – hands down, the best I’ve ever had!

The only problem is that he works really late at night, and after his shift he’ll come over, wake me up at like 3 AM, all turned on, trying to take my PJs off (and I just can’t say “no”). We don’t get to bed until at least an hour later. It's awesome that we have this physical connection --and I’m not complaining about the sex-- but I have to get up really early in the morning for work and I'm just exhausted! He does this at least 3 times a week. Since our relationship is so new, I’m worried that if I talk to him about it, we may lose our spontaneous passion. Any suggestions?

--Satisfied but Tired Tana

To see DEARSUGAR’s answer read more

Dear Satisfied but Tired Tana --

It looks like you have a case of the right thing at the wrong time. It’s great that you and your man are getting along so well in the bedroom, but if it’s going to compromise how you feel during the day (and your ability to do your job), then that’s just not going to work for the long haul.

Even though you’re apprehensive about losing the fiery romance, you’ve got to talk to him about this. As wonderful as it is to be sharing incredible intimacy like this, he’s got to respect your schedule. Maybe on those nights that he works really late, he can go back to his apartment instead of yours. On the nights that he’s free, you can spend the night together and plan to get to bed an hour earlier so you have time to "be together," and get still get enough zzzzz’s.

When beginning a new relationship, you’re always going to have to do a little work to weave your schedules together. As long as you’re both flexible and willing to compromise while respecting each other’s needs, there’s no reason why you can’t have a wonderful relationship and incredible sex too!

Source

This Week With DearSugar

DearSugar — Sat, 03 May 2008 04:00:00 -0700

What was the most trivial part of your 20s?
Check out my May Must Haves!
Does seeing your friend have a baby make you want one too?
Do you know the pros and cons of douching? If not, take this informative quiz to find out!
Where do you stand on scheduled sex dates?
Do you tend to overprotect yourself?
In Love Lauren needs some advice. Her boyfriend isn't ready to say I love you, yet she's already said it to him. Should she wait for him to be ready or cut bait now?
Does your work life interfere with your personal life?
Is sharing a bed with your girlfriends a do or a don't?
Breaking up is hard to do, so how do you handle it?
What would be worse: Having a period mishap or bathroom trouble?
Where do you stand on drunk sex?
Feel like the grass is always greener? Check out five things you forget when you're single.

Source

You Asked: Turning Things Up a Notch in the Bedroom

DearSugar — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 12:00:00 -0700

DearSugar --

I've been with my significant other for 5+ years, and well, we don't always get romantic as often as we'd like. We both work full time, have busy social lives, etc. How can we turn things up a notch?! ~ Randy Sandy

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Randy Sandy --

Excellent question, and one we've all had to ask ourselves, rest assured. Let's jump right in, shall we?

First of all, you gotta schedule it. Believe it or not, making it a priority and putting in the calendar helps. It's awkward when you sit down to plan the dates and times, but you'll both get over that when the appointed hour arrives. Trust me on this. Try it.

A little exercise decreases the stress hormones and increases the excitement hormones. If you both exercise or enjoy walks, schedule a little rendezvous afterward. And sweat can be a very good thing for the pheromone department; think about skipping the shower beforehand.

Dopamine, a chemical that functions as a neurotransmitter, loves novelty, but novelty with a slight element of fear. Do something outside your comfort zone together and then head directly home. You know each other and will have to decide whether that new thing involves racing go-carts, trying a strange food you've never had, or making out in your car in the daylight in the Target parking lot. But you get the drift.

God, I love the UK. Go here for the best Kama Sutra website on the planet. There's a "love position locator" that let's you choose the effort level for each of you individually and the overall difficulty level. Up pop the positions that match your selections. Click on the positions for instructions, visual and written, and there you'll also find how many votes this particular position has received! Look through it together, pick a few, giggle a bit, and get busy. Again, it might feel awkward being so deliberate and formal, but that fades once the romance begins.

I like spontaneity myself, so here's one if that's your speed. This game helps build tension, which can be helpful when kickstarting things. Each of you write down 5 to 10 sexual or sensual things you'd like to do or have done to you. I'm guessing you guys can trust each other not to visit a scary left field for the other? Anyway, get a 'his' container and a 'her' container. You put your little 5 to 10 scraps of paper in his box, and he puts his little suggestions in your box. Come your scheduled play date, one of you draws a suggestion from your respective box -- take turns on separate dates -- and commence with the request. Ask questions if you need a little elaboration or clarification. And no peeking at the requests beforehand!

Hit your local bookstore and visit the sex section. No Amazon.com for this purchase. You need to see the books. There are about a gazillion titles published into this category, so look through them carefully until you find one that doesn't make you squirm or roll your eyes, because I guarantee both those things will happen repeatedly. That said, I guarantee you'll find at least one book that speaks to you and provides more suggestions for keeping your connection alive this way.

One last thing: you might spend some time online at Good Vibrations. I love this place, and I think it's a great reference point for sexual exploration that's respectful and woman-centered. Books, videos, toys: you can feel comfortable that their selection is carefully chosen and vetted. Besides, all the staff is extremely well-educated and trained. Call them, ask them anything, and they'll point you in the right direction.

Most of all, Randy Sandy, have fun together and continue to love each other well -- that's the secret to all of this, of course.

Source

The How-To Lounge: Your Annual Pelvic Exam, Part I

DearSugar — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 10:00:00 -0700

I don’t know any women who actually enjoy a trip to the gynecologist, though feelings about settling into the stirrups tend to vary from mild annoyance to extreme anxiety. No matter which end of the spectrum you fall on, it’s important to make the most of your annual exam. To see my suggestions to do just that read more.

First of all, make sure you have a doctor that you like. A doctor you're comfortable with can mean the difference between a traumatic experience and an appointment that you don't actually dread going to. If you need to find a new gyno, ask your friends or female coworkers - word-of-mouth recommendations are the very best kind!
Try to get a morning appointment. It means less of a wait for you, and it’s always nice to go straight from the shower to the table. While there’s absolutely no rule that says you need to be cleaned up before an appointment, for many woman, knowing they're fresh down there is a huge relief.
Also, when making your appointment, remember to schedule around your period. It’s best to go in during the middle of your cycle, but definitely avoid the week when you expect to be menstruating.
Know the start date of your most recent period beforehand. This is a great habit to get into for all doctor appointments, but especially at the gynecologist because cervical fluid changes based on your cycle.
Refrain from having sex without a condom 24 hours prior to your appointment as semen can make a proper pap smear and exam difficult. The same goes for douching, too!

I have even more tips to keep in mind at the next visit to your gynecologist, so stay tuned for part two!

Source