TresSugar

You Asked: How Can I Say No?

DearSugar — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My teenage daughter plays sports and has since she was in grade school. Not long after she started, a woman that lives in our town asked to carpool. I was OK with it at first but over the last five years, it has evolved from carpooling to my family being completely responsible for her kids without any compensation. When asked at the beginning of a year or season if I wanted to carpool again, I've said no over and over, but before long, their kids are just jumping into our car! We live 15 miles from school so it's not like I can just leave them there alone.

School is getting ready to start in a month and I'm dreading it. The price of gas has skyrocketed and while I don't mind paying for my kid to do this stuff, I have a major problem with these kids freeloading off my family. How do I keep these girls from asking for a ride every day? They don't seem to understand "No." - Fed Up Felisha

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Fed Up Felisha,

It sounds like you have a hard time saying no, but Felisha, it's time to put your foot down. Unfortunately this woman is deficient in the manners department so I advise you to have an adult conversation with her before the school year starts. Everyone knows how expensive gas is so I'd just be very matter of fact. Tell her that you'd be more than happy to carpool, but only if she's willing to do her part. And if giving her kids a lift isn't problematic for you besides the lack of compensation, simply tell her that the only way you feel comfortable driving her children is if she pitches in financially.

I understand not wanting to be looked at as the strict mom, but you need to stand your ground. Though being the bigger person might be less confrontational than demanding what's fair, you're only doing yourself a disservice by not speaking up. The sooner you say no, the sooner you'll get what's rightfully deserved.

Source

Do You Suffer From the Do-it-all Disease?

DearSugar — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Since women hate to disappoint, we tend to take on more than we can handle, leaving us at times resentful and exhausted. Glamour Magazine recently coined it the "Do-it-all disease", and if you suffer from it, you're in luck. Pamela Redmond Satran has come up with 14 perfectly acceptable ways to say no without being abrupt or harsh. Check them out below:

I'm going to have to pass
I'd love to, but I just don't have the time
I made a resolution to start saying no more often
I don't want to say yes and then let you down
I'd love to, but my boyfriend/kids/boss would freak out if I took on anything else
Not right now
Not this year

If you want to read the rest, just read more

You caught me at a terrible moment
I can't say yes
I don't want to say no, but I have to
I'm just not comfortable with that
It's just not right for me
Ask another time
Please cross me off your list

I'm guessing that a lot of you suffer from this "Do-it-all disease", so do any of Pamela's suggestions sound doable, or are you still of the mindset that you really can do it all?

Source

The How-To Lounge: Saying No to Her Bridesmaid Request

DearSugar — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 10:00:00 -0700

It’s certainly a bit awkward and requires some major tact, but you actually can say no to a friend’s request for you to be her bridesmaid. In fact, if you really don’t feel like you’ll be a positive participant either because of time constraints or personal demands, declining her request might just be the best thing you can do. Though coming right out with “no thanks” may not be the best strategy, there are ways of refusing gracefully. To check out my tips, read more

Don’t leave the bride hanging. If you’re not going to do it, let her know as soon as possible. If you put it off, you'll just feel unnecessarily guilty, and not allotting her enough time to find a replacement could lead to a bigger headache then just being direct.
Regardless of what some bridezillas might say, financial concern is a legitimate reason for turning down the bridesmaid request. Making your friend’s wedding a special day is incredibly important but not at the expense of your own livelihood. Let her know that, budgetwise, you just don’t have the room for this kind of expenditure.
The same rule applies if you’re overwhelmingly busy. Sometimes there are just not enough days in the month, and overbooking yourself will only lead to disaster.
A great way to smooth over your refusal is by offering to take a different role in the wedding. You can offer to be in charge of the guestbook or manage her thank you notes for the bridal shower and bachelorette party.
Above all else, be as respectful as possible. Go out of your way to acknowledge the importance of her day and your desire to be a part of it.

In most cases, even if your friend is disappointed, she’ll understand. And if she doesn’t at first, give her some time. Often the stress of planning a wedding can make emotions run high, so you might find her far more understanding once the vows have been spoken.

Source

The How-To Lounge: Declining an Invitation

DearSugar — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 08:00:00 -0800

Sometimes you just don't want to go to happy hour with a friend or to a co-worker's housewarming party. Maybe the location is inconvenient or perhaps you just don't feel like making the effort, either way, all you want to do is refuse. Unfortunately most of us end up going anyway because we just can't say "no." Guilt and obligation can be brutal, but it's important to learn how to politely decline invitations, otherwise you can really run yourself ragged and end up resenting your friends. To get some great tips, read more

First of all, let the person know that you won't be going. It's far less rude to say no then to just not respond at all.
Give as much notice as possible. It's far better to be the first to decline than the tenth.
If you decline, try to make an effort to attend your friend's next invitation. If the issue of not going gets pressed, acknowledge her disappointment but don't dwell on it.
If the invitation is for a formal event like an engagement party or shower, it's a nice gesture to send a gift if you won't be attending. I don't personally love this particular bit of etiquette, but it will show the invitee that you were thinking of them even though you weren't there.
If you were planning on going, but at the last minute had a change of heart or weren't feeling up for it, it's okay to say so. I've done so before, and though your friends will be bummed out, they'll usually understand.
In some cases backing out at the last minute will result in a serious tongue lashing - we all have those friends, so sometimes a little white lie is in order. Your friends, family, and coworkers will notice if you start to make a habit of this, only do this in cases of desperation!

What are your tips when it comes to declining an invitation? Please share them in the comments section below.

Source

Do Tell: Are You a Yes Ma'am?

DearSugar — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 07:00:00 -0800

Are you a push over? Do people constantly ask you for favors because they know you'll always say yes? If so, don't feel bad, because you're not alone. But even though you tend to oblige, do you wish you could just say "no"? Ladies, we all have our weak moments, but do tell: what do you wish you were better at saying "no" to?

Source

Say What? Runner Caster Semenya on Her New Life

TresSugar — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 04:00:13 -0800

"I know who I am. I can't change what [people] say. . . I am a fighter. I never give up. And I knew I was going to get better."

- South African sprinter Caster Semenya has opened up to the media, after officials at the International Association of Athletic Federations (IAAF) publicly called her sex into question this past August. The controversial sex test reportedly revealed that Caster is intersex, and next Friday the IAAF is set to rule on Caster's case. The organization could either ban Caster from competing, require her to undergo surgery, or allow her to compete as she is.

Say What? Hero Sex Rocks

TresSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 10:30:56 -0800

"The hero sex really helps a 20-year-old marriage."

- Captain Sully's wife Laurie explains how her husband also saved their sex life when he successfully landed his plane in the Hudson River earlier this year. File this under TMI?

Say What? Portia de Rossi on Why Marriage Matters

TresSugar — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 10:05:00 -0800

"The thing about being a gay couple is that in the past you referred to your 'wife' and there was quotation marks around it. There was always that chance that people would kind of snigger about it. But now it's fact, it's law. She's my wife. I get to say that she's my wife. And that's just the way it is."

- Portia de Rossi told Oprah yesterday why marriage matters to gay couples. Portia and her wife Ellen DeGeneres got married in August 2008 and they both appeared on Oprah's show to discuss their relationship and careers.

Say What? Ex-Letterman Writer Says Hostile Work Environment No Joke

TresSugar — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 09:00:00 -0700

"Was I aware that other high-level male employees were having sexual relationships with female staffers? Yes. Did these female staffers have access to information and wield power disproportionate to their job titles? Yes. Did that create a hostile work environment? Yes. Did I believe these female staffers were benefiting professionally from their personal relationships? Yes. Did that make me feel demeaned? Completely. Did I say anything at the time? Sadly, no."

- Nell Scovell, a female writer on the David Letterman show in the '80s, on why she left her "dream job" in less than four months as a writer on the show because of the sexual atmosphere there. Sexual favoritism, a subset of sexual harassment, creates a hostile work environment for women who are not having sex with higher ranking men by creating an uncomfortable sexual atmosphere in which it appears that advancement is predicated on having a sexual relationship with higher-ups. In 27 years, there have only been seven female writers on Late Night and Late Show. Scovell's dream? "I just want Dave to hire some qualified female writers and then treat them with respect. And that goes for Jay and Conan, too." As of today, there are no women out of the 50 comedy writers writing for Late Show With David Letterman, The Jay Leno Show, and The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien.

Say What? Rihanna Speaks Up About Abuse

TresSugar — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 10:10:00 -0800

"This happened to me. . . . It can happen to anyone."

- Rihanna is opening up for the first time about the abuse she suffered during her relationship with Chris Brown. In an interview with Diane Sawyer that will air tomorrow, Rihanna explains that the chance to help other people learn from her experience has been the positive thing to come from her high-profile ordeal. She says: "I want to give as much insight as I can to young women, because I feel like I represent a voice that really isn't heard."