TresSugar

Group Therapy: Is Anyone Else Dealing With the Winter Blues?

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Since the New Year, I have been feeling down and out. I didn't go anywhere over the holidays and my family downsized Christmas. I have a wonderful job that I love, but it's not a 9-5; it's something that I have to constantly think about and it's starting to wear me out. I know that there are people who don't have jobs right now, so I feel incredibly guilty even complaining about it, but at work I feel like a robot. In the mornings I have trouble getting out of bed. I feel like there is nothing to look forward to. It's Winter, it's January, and there isn't a vacation or holiday in sight. To make matters worse, I've totally lost my appetite and am having a hard time sleeping. How can I snap out of this downward funk before I spiral into a deep depression?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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You Asked: Should I Forgive Her Insincere Apology?

DearSugar — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,
My old college roommate asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding six months ago, and I agreed. Unfortunately, three weeks ago, her mother has passed away unexpectedly. It has been hard on everyone, but especially difficult for the maid of honor; the bride's best friend and a college friend of mine. She's acted as the liaison between the grieving bride-to-be and all her friends. In the time since, the maid of honor expressed in an email to me that she was unhappy with the back seat I took during the grieving period. When I called her and told her I wasn't that close to the bride and I didn't think it was appropriate to get more involved than I already was, she got very upset, started to cry, and told me that perhaps I don't deserve to be in the wedding at all.

She has since emailed to apologize for that comment, but deep down, I know she isn't sorry. While I know this isn't her wedding or her decision, her words were still very hurtful. I know I have to at least keep up appearances through the wedding, but I don't know I can or should forgive her beyond that. Do you have any advice? - Scolded Bridesmaid Bianca

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Dear Scolded Bridesmaid Bianca,

It sounds to me like the maid of honor let the stress of everything get the best of her, and unfortunately, you got the brunt of it. I'm sure the bride is experiencing overwhelming emotion right now - the sadness of her mother's death mixed with the excitement of her upcoming wedding - but if you feel you did your part to express your condolences and be there to support her, there's not much more you could have done. Sure, there's a chance she told the maid of honor that she was disappointed you didn't take on a bigger role during this tragic time in her life, but you're right, that's between you and her. If you're concerned that could be a possibility, I suggest confronting her ASAP. Let her know again how sorry you are for her loss and ask her if there's anything else you can do.

Once things settle down, I have a feeling this misunderstanding will become a distant memory, but if not, it's completely your decision if you want to end the friendship after the wedding. I wish you luck in whatever decision you make, but remember, we can all say and do things out of character under times of stress - something you might want to keep in mind.

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You Asked: My Boyfriend Doesn't Believe in Himself

DearSugar — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend just graduated from college last Spring and is taking some time off. Right now he's taking community college classes and deciding what direction he wants to go with his life (grad school, career, etc). His parents are more than fine with supporting him - he's worked really hard, and deserves a break - so he can avoid jumping into something he hates. Unfortunately, he doesn't see it that way. He feels lazy and wants to get a job to occupy his time, but all of the jobs that seem interesting don't respond to him (it's a tough job market right now).

I try to tell him that he should take this time to pursue stuff he loves and that something amazing will come eventually, but there's only so much I can say without sounding like a broken record. I've also tried to help him find jobs (he does freelance website design, so I've gotten him a few clients) but once again, there's only so much that I can do. He's down a lot and I feel down when I can't cheer him up. What can I do?

- Cheering Him Up Chelsea

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Cheering Him Up Chelsea,

The time between graduation and before you jump into the professional world is extremely confusing and scary. In school there's a very clear path to follow, but once you reach the end, the sudden lack of direction can leave a person feeling inadequate and lost. But eventually most people find their way, especially if they're capable and hardworking.

For now, it certainly sounds like you're doing everything you can to support him even though I'm sure this is hard on you too. If I were you, I'd recommend that he start applying for internships in any of the fields he might be interested in. Not only are they a great way to discover if a particular job might be for him without the commitment of an actual paying job, but they'll keep him busy and help him build a resume, which could perk up his mood quite a bit. For someone with parents willing and able to support them, internships are a great way to make the jump from student to employee.

As far as grappling with his bleak mood in the meantime, keep doing what you're doing. Though the practical stuff is important, don't be afraid to remind him of how much he matters to you as a boyfriend, career aspirations aside. With that said, a jolt of tough love never hurt anyone. Sometimes people need a reminder that things could be worse, and trust me, in his case, they certainly can. And for sanity's sake, you both need to remember this situation is only temporary. Remind yourself of that every day if you have to and help him do the same.

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Do Tell: What Would You Save If Your House Was on Fire?

DearSugar — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 08:00:00 -0700

It's scary how many wildfires we seem to have in California these days. The tragedies always make me think about how awful it would be to go through a fire, and I start to ponder the hypothetical question of what I would save if my house were burning.

My mom often said that if she could only save one thing, it would be our family photos - though that's not as relevant today in the age of digital photography. Has your home ever caught fire? If so, you probably went the safe route and saved yourself before your stuff. But if your house were burning and you could only save one thing, what would it be?

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Dear Poll: Do You Ever Cry For No Reason?

DearSugar — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

The other day my friend told me that during her fitness class, she suddenly and without cause just burst into tears, forcing her to leave early, and obviously making her feel very embarrassed. When I asked her what had happened, she said she didn’t know. She wasn’t dealing with PMS, but it was as if at that moment she just couldn't hold in the tears. I know I’ve had spontaneous crying fits. What about you?

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Where Do You Stand? Telling Your Ex What He Did Wrong

DearSugar — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Even if ending a relationship is a relief, leaving a person or being left by someone can come with feelings of sadness and longing, which is probably why so many couples hook up after they’ve broken up. But there is a flipside to this: some people aren’t ready to let go of their bad feelings.

A friend of mine, in post-breakup mode, says every day is a battle not to call her ex. But not because she misses him and wants to reconnect, but because she wants to finally let him have it. She’s angry and ready to tell him exactly why. I think her feelings are natural, and though I understand her desire, I don’t think it’s a good idea. But what do you think? Where do you stand when it comes to offering your ex some brutal honesty in an effort to make yourself feel better?

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Dear Poll: Have You Ever Been Heartbroken?

DearSugar — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

If falling in love makes people deliriously happy, then getting your heart broken is emotionally shattering. And while there may be a lesson to be learned, truthfully I can’t really think of anything good about a broken heart. But alas, it is a part of life. So, have you ever had your heart broken?

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The How-To Lounge: Picking Yourself Up From Rock Bottom

DearSugar — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 10:00:00 -0700

This past weekend I asked you all to share a moment in your life when you felt as if you'd hit rock bottom. There were some amazing stories, and it was so inspiring to hear how some of you had made it through all the stronger. But I also feel for those of you in the midst of a low point right now, so I want to take this opportunity to share some of my advice for how to cope with such a difficult time. If this is something you're struggling with right now, check out my tips when you read more.

Perhaps the most difficult part about hitting rock bottom is admitting it. For many people, acknowledging this low point is basically the same as saying they've let their life spin out of control, which can feel very dispiriting. But if you don't admit it, you'll never be able to fight through it.
It's OK to be scared. Once you realize you need to put your life back together, the climb to the top can seem terrifying. Learning to keep trying even when you're scared is half the battle.
Fear can be very defeating, but don't give up. Change doesn't happen overnight, but if you stick with it, eventually you'll get the results you long for.
They call it rock bottom because you can only go up from there, so start with baby steps. Create small goals for yourself and as you succeed, make them larger. And of course, whenever you achieve a goal, no matter how small it may seem, take a moment to pat yourself on the back.
Finally, reach out for support from others. Obviously friends and family are a great resource, but if you can't go to them, consider a therapy group or even an online forum. Sometimes just knowing that others understand you makes all the difference in the world.

As impossible as it seems right now, you will make it past this rough patch! For those of you who have, please feel free to provide your best advice in the comments below.

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Group Therapy: Was He the One Who Got Away?

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I've been broken up with my ex for about a year now. We were together for a few years and living together. After a while things got pretty stale. I decided to move out and go on a break. After about a month, the break wasn't fixing anything and we decided to break up. We continued to talk every day and after about a month, we talked about getting back together. I wanted to take things slowly. One night I found out he was partying really hard while we were on our break, and I saw a side of him I never thought existed. I told him I needed time to think things through and make sure we were making the right decision.

Not even a month passed before he started dating someone else. I was crushed, but somehow I got out of it OK. But now after a year, I'm still feeling like he was the one I was supposed to end up with. I can't help but feel like he's the one that got away. He's been with the same girl for almost a year, and from what I see they're happy. So how can I move on? How do I get over feeling like he's supposed to be with me?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Do Tell: Have You Ever Hit Rock Bottom?

DearSugar — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 10:00:00 -0700

I often hear people refer to “hitting rock bottom” as the impetus they needed to pull themselves back up to the top again. But since we all come from different backgrounds and deal with our own set of struggles, the notion of rock bottom differs for everyone. And even though being in that dark place is never fun, often the changes that come out of it help shape the direction of life for the better. I know I’ve battled personal demons before, what about you? Do tell: When was your all-time low?

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