TresSugar

Show Your Mother Some Respect

TresSugar — Sun, 10 May 2009 01:00:00 -0700

Moms can be such pushovers. Sometimes all it takes are a few well-chosen words, like "I respect you," to make her day. So if you forgot to send a Mother's Day gift, don't despair: there's still time to send an ecard! Better yet, send one for a good cause.

The Respect Campaign, devoted to the prevention of family violence, has an easy-to-send ecard that gives you plenty of space to tell your mom - or anyone, for that matter - why you look up to her. So throw together a few elegant lines about what she taught you about respecting yourself and make your mom's day.

Do Tell: What Did Your Mother Teach You About Respect?

TresSugar — Thu, 07 May 2009 07:00:00 -0700

"Respect" isn't just an awesome song by Aretha Franklin. It's a seemingly simple word loaded with meaning, from showing respect for our elders to seeking respect at work to demanding respect in relationships. In the Respect Campaign of the Family Violence Prevention Fund, it means respecting yourself and your loved ones in order to avoid resorting to violence or emotional abuse.

So in honor of Mother's Day and the Respect mission, tell me: what lessons did you learn from your mother about respecting yourself and others?

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DearSugar Needs Your Help: My Roommate Is Crossing the Line

DearSugar — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Sleepless Sammy need your help. Her roommate has been extremely disrespectful and it's starting to affect her ability to get a good night's sleep. She's tried to talk with her roommate about it, but she has yet to make an effort to change. She's stuck in her lease until the end of Summer, so do you have any advice as to how she can make the best of this living satiation?

Dear Sugar,

I'm in law school and living in an apartment with another girl who I found on Craigslist. It's been about seven months now and I feel like she has absolutely no respect for me. She uses my stuff, eats my food, drinks my beer, and lets her friends crash on our couch without ever asking me. I can deal with these things; however, I recently hit my breaking point.

My roommate likes to sleep around and will have loud, porn-like sex even when I’m home. It's not that I'm a prude - she's entitled to sleep with whoever she wants - but our walls are paper thin and I can hear every bed creak, scream, and moan, and sometimes I can feel her bed shake through the wall we share. Her late night activities are wreaking havoc on my sleep pattern and I'm constantly exhausted. I’ve talked to her about it once before but nothing has changed. I’m stuck in this lease until August but I can't continue living like this. What should I do? - Sleepless Sammy

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You Asked: How Do I Kick My Roommate Out?

DearSugar — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My roommate moved to Seattle (my town) from Indiana at the end of June after I had secured a lease on an apartment. We had never met before, except online through a mutual hobby. She moved in time to go to an interview for a job she did not end up getting. A month went by before she found work, leaving me to pay the rent in its entirety, with the agreement that she'd pay me back once she found a job. Meanwhile, as she sat at home looking for a job all day, she did nothing to clean the apartment. I would come home from work, do the dishes, clean up the place, make dinner, and then go to bed. Rinse, repeat.

She finally got a job, and then lost it three weeks later. This was not her fault, but regardless, it has been three weeks since she lost her job and she still does not have another. Not even a minimum wage job to tide her over until she finds a web design job she wants. And yet again, she fails to do anything around the apartment.

I can't stand the fact that I'm living with someone I find to be irresponsible. In addition to the lack of cleaning, lack of job, and lack of ability to pay rent on time, I hate her dog. I walk in every night and the dog is all over me. She doesn't do anything to stop it, so I always feel like the bad guy for disciplining it. We are both on the lease. I've already inquired about switching roommates and the landlord said it wouldn't be a problem, but how do I tell her I want her out? She has no money and no job, but I'm simply miserable! - At My Wits End Emma

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear At My Wits End Emma,

Yikes, your situation really does sound miserable. While I understand helping your roommate once, there's absolutely no reason why you should be carrying the weight yet again, so it's time to put your foot down and be firm with her. Everyone knows it's a difficult time to find a job, but she's a grown adult who should have planned for this, or at least gotten a part-time job in the meantime so she can pay her share of the bills.

This woman has not been taking your feelings into consideration, and while I don't feel that two wrongs make a right, I think you should concentrate on yourself right now. Your home needs to be a place where you're comfortable, and your roommate has to be someone you trust and who respects your living space; she clearly doesn't fit that model.

If I were you, I'd just be honest with her. Tell her that it's simply not working out and you no longer want to live together. If she puts up a stink, be aware that you might be the one that has to move since both your names are on the lease. Regardless of who gets the actual apartment, it's very clear that you two are not meant to be roommates. In order to salvage your relationship (if you even want to), I suggest you broach the subject as soon as possible, because something has got to give! Good luck.

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How Much Do You Care About Your Neighbors?

DearSugar — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 15:00:00 -0700

I was hardly surprised to read that neighbors who live near The Hills house in Los Angeles are pretty annoyed about the ever-present reality show commotion. With the TV crews, paparazzi, and drive-by sightseers, the once-quiet block has transformed into a modern media circus, so it's understandable that the neighbors would get peeved.

Whether you live in a house or an apartment building, neighbors are always a minor or major consideration, depending on how considerate you are. Since I live in a multiunit building, I try to respect the close quarters and stay relatively quiet in my day-to-day activities. My general philosophy is, if I keep a low profile most of the time, the neighbors will understand if it gets a little loud from time to time when I have people over. If you live in a party house, you've probably come up with different ways to deal with neighbors. Maybe you ignore them all together, or perhaps you've become good friends with the people who live in your 'hood. Either way, what's your general philosophy on respecting and befriending the neighbors?

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The How-To Lounge: Being Supportive Even When You Don’t Feel It

DearSugar — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Often we’re faced with situations in life when those who we care about make choices we don’t approve of. Obviously if those decisions put them in harms way then we have to come forward and say something, but otherwise, our differing opinions on their lives can be taken as attacks or judgments. Whether we like it or not, sometimes it’s best to remain supportive even when we don’t feel like it. To see my tips on walking this tricky line, read more.

Remember that being supportive of someone doesn’t mean you have to support a particular choice they’ve made. You can offer love and respect to someone without approving of every aspect of her life.
Instead of consistently biting your tongue, go ahead and speak up. There’s nothing wrong with telling a friend that you don’t feel comfortable discussing a particular topic with her. And she has the right to know why you might be keeping mum on a specific topic.
Most of the time people are going to do what they want regardless of the advice they receive to the contrary, but by keeping an open dialog that communicates respect (as opposed to approval) you're more likely to not be cut out of your loved one's decision-making process.
If a particular choice does blow up in her face as you suspect it might, try to avoid pulling the “I told you so” card. I’d assume they're already well aware, but by shoving it in their face, it’ll only lessen the chances that she’ll confide in you in the future.
If you do feel like you must say something, propose your opinion in a way that reflects a personal anecdote. Use your own experiences to warn her, instead of just expounding your opinion.

While I never condone standing by and watching dangerous behavior take place, I do think that some people really do just have to learn things on their own, so in the meantime, it's best to practice patience over frustration.

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Relationship Protocol: Making Each Other Look Good

DearSugar — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 12:00:00 -0700

I recently encountered a married couple about to celebrate their 40-year anniversary, and of course, I took the opportunity to ask them what their secret to success has been. Much to my surprise they both agreed that one of the biggest factors in a happy relationship is always making sure the other person looks good. According to them, you should each be the other's number-one fan, which means never a snarky comment or embarrassing story in public. You can disagree all you want at home, but among friends and in a public setting, it’s imperative to always act as your significant other’s cheerleader.

Obviously this worked for them, but what about you? Do you always go out of your way to make your significant other look good in public, even if you don’t necessarily agree with what he’s saying or doing?

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You Asked: Am I Overreacting Here?

DearSugar — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

One of my oldest friends lives in another city. He recently came down to visit me and it was a great reunion with one small problem: he’s turned into a major pothead. He’s always enjoyed his weed, and although I don’t smoke pot, I don’t mind if he does on his own time. But when he visited, he proceeded to get high in my apartment multiple times a day.

I feel uncomfortable about all of this. I don’t like my house to smell like marijuana and I’m a little hurt that my dear friend couldn’t just enjoy our time together without having to be high. Plus, I just think it’s overall rude. I didn’t say anything (aside from a request to open the windows so that my apartment wouldn’t smell) because I do value our friendship and I didn't want to make him uncomfortable in my home, but it concerns me that he can’t go even a few hours without smoking and that our time together pretty much went to his habit. Am I overreacting? - Smoke Free Freda

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Smoke Free Freda,

No, I don't think you're overreacting in the slightest, but I'm a bit confused as to why you didn't say anything to him. Though you didn't want him to feel uncomfortable in your home, he in turn made you uncomfortable in your home!

Now that he's gone, I would call him and have a little chat about his recent visit. Don't patronize him or attack him in any way, just voice your frustration and let him know how hurt you are that he got high every day while you were together. If you feel this is a bigger problem than just using while on vacation, you might want to bring that to his attention as well, but use a caring and loving tone so he doesn't act defensive.

Though you don't mind that he smokes marijuana on his own time, it clearly affected your time together. It sounds to me like he took advantage of your carefree attitude and disrespected the rules of your home. Hopefully he'll be able to see where you're coming from and apologize for his selfish behavior so you can put this past you and move on with your friendship. But Freda, the next time you see each other, make sure you come to an understanding of what the weekend will entail. I hope this helps!

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Group Therapy: Best Friend Wars

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My best friend and I have been friends for two years now, and we had never fought until this past December. Since then she's been getting mad at me for every little thing. When I started dating my current boyfriend, she voiced her concerns (we had previously dated before and things didn't work out) and I listened. After we had been dating for about three months, my best friend started getting more aggressive in the boyfriend-bashing, and I started to pull away from her. Every time we hung out, she would tell me that I was stupid for getting back together with him because he's a jerk.

Now, after five months, we rarely speak, and the only time we see each other is at work. There have been times when I've reached out to her, but it hasn't ended well. I hate the fact that I'd rather spend time with my boyfriend than my best friend, but whenever I do, I get attacked. I'm not asking her to even like my boyfriend; all I ask of her is that she be respectful of my relationship by not bad-mouthing my boyfriend to her family and mutual friends and telling me what a person he is when he does something that bothers me.

I respect her decision to not like him - he has made some pretty dumb decisions in the past year. And I know for a fact that no other girl except for myself would have stayed with him through everything. But I still want to save my friendship. She's been someone who I always have fun with, and we've been through so much together. She's just extremely strong-willed and never ever admits when she's wrong. How should I go about addressing this issue with her and get her to stop being so difficult when it comes to my relationship with my boyfriend?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Do Tell: Do You Model Your Own Relationships After Your Parents'?

DearSugar — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Recently a friend of mine going through some serious boyfriend problems used her parents' dating experiences and 35 year marriage as a way to justify staying with the wrong guy. In her mind, if her mom and dad could work though their trials and tribulations, then she and her man could too. Though I didn’t agree with her specific situation, I do understood why she was trying to replicate her parents’ happy relationship.

So if you're one of the lucky ones to have parents that have a loving relationship, do tell, do you try to model your own relationships after theirs? Or are you just the opposite?

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