TresSugar

Before a Breakup, Try Relationship Boot Camp

DearSugar — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 10:00:00 -0800

It's normal for couples to disagree and fight from time to time. We argue about huge things like money, and little things like which TV show to watch. Sometimes if a couple isn't getting along, a little intervention may be necessary. You're probably familiar with couples counseling, but have you ever heard of relationship boot camp? It could be seen as the last shot to mending a broken connection or as relationship maintenance, like bringing your car in for its 30,000-mile tune-up.

Relationship boot camp workshops are cropping up all over since divorce rates are skyrocketing. Relationship specialist Terry Real thinks this is because people never learned the skills needed to connect to another person. In his three-day relationship boot camp workshop, he teaches the basics like how to communicate clearly and honestly, how to listen, how to deal with conflicts, and how to argue respectfully. Relationship miracles don't come cheap, though; be prepared to spend $1,500 a couple.

Is this something you'd be willing to try?

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Good Idea or Bad Idea: Going to a Strip Club With Your Man

DearSugar — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

I was out with friends earlier this week, and one of my buddies couldn't stop talking about all the couples he saw when he went to a strip club for his friend's bachelor party - I guess he was surprised by the number of women there. Though I'm not a fan of strip clubs myself - I just feel so bad for the women that are being objectified - I know many women who enjoy going with their significant others. Perhaps they like to keep tabs on their men, or maybe they genuinely enjoy it - whatever the reason, to each her own! What do you think about visiting a strip bar with your significant other? Do you think it's a good way to understand the male point of view, or do you think some things are meant for guys only?

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Is It OK to Go to Bed Angry?

DearSugar — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 09:00:00 -0800

I recently had a fight with my boyfriend about something so stupid, but since we're both stubborn, we couldn't come to an agreement, so we both went to bed angry. As I was lying in bed, trying to forget about it all, I kept hearing a little voice in the back of my mind that said, "Never go to bed angry."

What do you think? Is it a bad thing to go to bed mad? Or do you think there's some benefit to sleeping on it, so you can work things out the next day with a fresh mind?

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Is Space in a Relationship a Good Thing?

DearSugar — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0800

I'm a firm believer that couples shouldn't spend every free second they have together. It's important for each person to have other friends, hobbies, and interests. Not only does it give you time apart (which is a must every once in a while), but it also helps to strengthen each person individually, which in turn makes you stronger as a couple.

So a little time apart is healthy, but what about space? I'm sure you've said you need your space before, if someone was being too clingy or if you were constantly arguing. Can space or taking a break really make a bad relationship better? Or, is saying you need your space just sugar-coating an inevitable break up?

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You Asked: My Boyfriend Doesn't Want to Marry Me

DearSugar — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I asked my boyfriend of four years if we could get married and he said no. He said he wants our relationship to be perfect, but no relationship is perfect!

I want to feel like he wants to be with me, and getting married would prove just that. As it is, we have sex once every two weeks and I'm beginning to feel like he's just not that into me anymore. Recently I surprised him, came downstairs in only my bra and panties, and he told me to move out of the way of the TV while he was playing video games.

Does it seem like I'm just being a nag or is he just being unfair? All I ever wanted from him was to have the American dream. He gave me a promise ring but I want an engagement ring. I want something that lets me know he thinks I'm special enough to spend the rest of his life with. I know for a fact with all my heart that he is my one true love. What should I say to him? How should I explain to him how I feel about this? Am I asking too much or what?

-Ready for Marriage Mandy

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Ready for Marriage Mandy,

You are right that no relationship is perfect, and waiting for perfection could take a lifetime. When you're with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you both get a special feeling, and you just know that it's right. You're either ready for that or you're not, and it sounds like he's just not ready, so you need to ask him why.

It's also extremely important to get married for the right reasons. An engagement won't necessarily act as a proof of how special you are to him - he needs to show you that. Believe me when I say that marriage will not fix the issues in your relationship or prove that he wants you. Marriage won't change him or your relationship. It's a little piece of paper that you sign and it won't magically make someone act the way you want him to.

You've got to tell him that you need more from this relationship. Tell him that you feel like he's not showing you the love and affection that you deserve. Explain that you are in love and ready to take this relationship to the next level, but tell him why. Find out what he wishes was different and ask him if he thinks he'll ever want to get engaged. Many people have issues with marriage, so make sure you're on the same page. The only way you're going to know what your future holds is if you have an open and honest conversation about this. Good luck Mandy.

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Relationship Protocol: Do Relationship Issues Take Precedence Over Other Things?

DearSugar — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Balancing priorities can be fairly tricky even if you're single, but when you're in a relationship, things can get all the more complicated. Even a healthy relationship can be both time-consuming and emotionally intense, but when you factor in any drama or conflict, it's easy for your balance to shift. I know that when I'm in a relationship and something challenging happens, I have a very difficult time focusing on anything else until it's been resolved. Are you the same way? Do your relationship issues take precedence over other things going on in your life?

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You Asked: Can I Stop My Issues From Hurting My Relationship?

DearSugar — Mon, 19 May 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been in some really terrible relationships and dealt with some tough things in my past, so now I have a very difficult time opening up to people and really showing them who I am. I met someone about year ago, and we've spent a lot of time together, and I think, grown pretty attached to each other yet I still can't get myself to let my guard down.

Our talks are starting to get more serious - we talk about the long-term picture and plans that we want to make with each other. It's great, except that the more serious things get, the more I try to push him away. I really like him, but I find myself wanting to just run in the opposite direction. I know he's starting to feel me pulling away from him; he knows that I've been hurt before, and he's very understanding, but still, I don't want to ruin this. I love him. How can I stop my issues from messing up things between us?

- Been Burned Before Beth

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Been Burned Before Beth,

You obviously have a lot of pain that you're still dealing with, and I applaud you for trying to break your habit of running away as soon as things get serious. It sounds like you have something very special growing with this person, and I'm glad to hear that he's aware of your struggles.

When one person in a relationship is dealing with something like this, the best thing to do is keep the lines of communication as open as possible. Even if you don't know why you're scared, it's OK to tell him that you are. By letting him in on your fears and insecurities, you're also giving him the opportunity to show you that he's someone you can trust and feel safe with. It's also important to convey that your feelings for him are not in question, but you're just intimidated by the prospect of getting close to someone.

Separately, it might help to speak with a therapist in order to trace back to the roots of this fear and pain. It would probably help you in all aspects of your life, not just your romantic relationship, to retrain your mind to feel safe when opening up to others. As long as you have the desire to overcome this obstacle, you can, so stay positive and good luck.

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Sex Therapy: What to Expect

DearSugar — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 07:00:00 -0700

For whatever reason, your sex life isn't doing it for you. Maybe it started out amazing, but it's lost its pizazz. Maybe you're upset because you used to do it several times a day and now you're lucky to get to it once a month. Maybe you want to deepen your intimacy level, but you're not sure how. Whatever the reason, sex therapy can help.

If you've contemplated making an appointment, but are nervous about what may happen, here's a little bit of what you can expect.

When you and your partner begin to see a therapist, they'll probably want to see you for 50-60 minute sessions, once every week. This consistency will help to develop a closer relationship with your therapist.
The therapist wants to help you, but in order to do that she will have to ask you a lot of questions, many of which will be personal and/or embarrassing. Nonetheless, it's important that you and your partner are both open and honest so the therapist can get to know you and your situation.

What else can you expect? To find out read more.

The therapist should strive to offer a sensitive and safe environment for you to talk about your feelings and experiences. She should not push you to talk about issues you aren't ready or willing to discuss.
There may be homework involved. The therapist may make suggestions of things to try out with your partner, some of which may focus more on intimacy rather than intercourse or reaching orgasm. She'll probably ask you to discuss your feelings about what you experienced in the next session.
The sex therapist may serve as a sex educator, offering you info or materials to read so you can learn more about sexuality or sexual issues.
The therapist will also help you deal with other stresses in your life that may be contributing to your unsatisfying sex life.
If you are concerned about a physical problem that may be preventing you from sexual satisfaction, the therapist may recommend you see your doctor and get some tests or an examination.
The therapist wants to help you get more comfortable with talking about sex, so they'll do a lot of listening. They will also teach you ways to communicate your sexual feelings and needs to your partner.

If any of you have seen a sex therapist before, please share your experiences in the comment section below.

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Bad Relationships Could Damage Your Heart

DearSugar — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 11:00:00 -0700

Being in a bad relationship definitely breaks your heart, but new research is showing that it can literally harm this important organ. Bad marriages or relationship issues cause stress, and too much stress can raise your risk for heart disease.

In a 12-year study of 9,011 British civil servants (most of them married), those with bad relationships were 34% more likely to have heart attacks or heart trouble than those in good relationships.

A different 10-year study discovered that wives who kept quiet about marital problems had an increased risk of dying compared to those who voiced their opinions. Also, married men were less likely to die during that period than single men.

The bottom line of this research is that good relationships are not only good for the soul, but they keep us happy which adds to our good health. However, if the relationship is negative and causes either person a lot of stress, then it may be doing more harm than just making you sad. Working through problems with a therapist and communicating your needs and feelings openly with your partner may help to heal a bad relationship, all the while keeping your heart healthy.

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10 Reasons Why Men Don't Want Sex: Part One

DearSugar — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 08:00:00 -0700

In the beginning of a new relationship, it's hard to keep your hands off each other. Sharing all that fiery passion is what makes it so exciting, but as you get to know each other and become more comfortable, the frequency of sex usually cools down, and sometimes, your sex life can hit a complete drought. So if your man is the one who's "not in the mood," here are the top five reasons why, according to WebMD:

Medications: If your man is taking prescriptions for depression or anxiety, they may be to blame for his nonexistent sex drive.
Lack of sleep: If your man hasn't gotten his fair share of zzz's, then sleep will be the only thing on his mind come bedtime.
Hormonal levels: Testosterone is what drives your man to want to get it on, so if he's lacking in that department, don't count on him wanting to tear your clothes off. Your man can easily figure out if this is the problem by seeing his doctor and getting his hormonal levels checked.

Want to see the other two reasons? Then read more.

Identity issues: Some men have a personal crisis and start to ask important questions like, "What am I doing with my life?" This can happen if they're unhappy with their job or have recently gotten laid off. They could also have issues with their identity if their strong beliefs are questioned or if a close friend or loved one passes away. These kind of issues will understandably put sex on the back burner.
Turn-off to aspects of the sex: If your man has a hard time pleasing you or you take a long time to orgasm, he may have confidence issues or feel like sex is too much work. If he doesn't find sex fulfilling, or if he's not turned on by his partner, instead of talking about it, he may think it's easier to just not have sex at all.

Pretty interesting huh! Stay tuned for Part Two, with five more reasons men don't want to have sex.