TresSugar

Do Tell: How Do You Prioritize Your Relationships?

DearSugar — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 16:00:00 -0700

It seems like everyone could benefit from a few more hours to every day. And when you're juggling work, family, friends and a relationship, it can be challenging to make time for everyone. But, if you're like me and enjoy a few moments to yourself, even if it's just to catch your breath, how do you prioritize your relationships so no one feels left out? I have yet to master this one so do tell, how do you prioritize quality time with your loved ones?

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Where Do You Stand: Managing Your Time

DearSugar — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Juggling friends, family, work, a relationship, and time for yourself is not an easy endeavour to master. If you're one that suffers from the Do-it-all disease, finding time for everyone can be exhausting, which is why balance is key. But when your heart wants to do one thing and your head another, you can easily feel overwhelmed and resentful of those things you feel like you have to do (visiting grandma, sitting down for that phone date you've been putting off, etc.) One can only do her best so where do you stand on managing your time? Do you feel like it's important to be strict about it, or do you believe that time is precious and we should spend it doing more of what we want and less of what we should.

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You Asked: My Friends Don't Respect My Time

DearSugar — Tue, 20 May 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I feel like the people in my life don't respect me. Several of my friends and even my boyfriend are very inconsiderate when it comes to our time together. I make plans with them and time and time again, they either cancel or show up extremely late. At first, I stopped and evaluated what I was doing, thinking maybe I should take a hint - I even went as far as confronting my friends and boyfriend on the issue. I explained that I plan my day around our plans and when they don't work out or are moved around, it messes up my day. I have also tried doing it back to them but that does nothing! I don't want to make something out of nothing but I am truly offended. There are so many other things I could be doing besides waiting around for them all day and I am at the point where I am finding myself developing huge resentments against these people. I don't want to end relationships over this. Do you have any suggestions on how I could possibly handle this situation better? - Fed Up Frannie

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Fed Up Frannie,

I don't blame you for being fed up with your friends and boyfriend! Of course things come up and sometimes breaking plans is inevitable, but when it's happening time and time again, it just becomes unfair so I'm glad you've addressed this issue.

When you asked them for an explanation, what was their response? Is it just happen circumstance every time or do you feel like they're deliberately avoiding you? If you think you've done everything on your end to rectify the situation to no avail, perhaps it's time to just accept these specific people for who they are. While bailing out on previously made plans is no doubt inconsiderate, the might be doing the best they can.

Going forward, I'd simply let them know how you feel when they don't regard your time. Instead of bottling up your feelings inside, get it off your chest ASAP so you don't end up harboring unnecessary resentment - if they don't know that their actions hurt you, they won't know to stop. If things still don't change, I'd think about moving on from these relationships and aim to spend time with people that are willing to make more of an effort with you and your time. Good luck.

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How Are You Going to Spend Mother's Day?

DearSugar — Wed, 07 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Are you having brunch with your mom this Sunday to celebrate Mother's Day? Although that seems to be the most common way people spend this holiday, my mom and I have never done brunch. We're dinner people, although we do spend the afternoon doing whatever she wants to do - as it should be, it's her day! So now that we know what you all are getting your moms for Mother's Day, why don't you tell us how you're going to spend it!

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What is your Favorite Mother/Daughter Ritual?

DearSugar — Fri, 11 May 2007 08:30:00 -0700

Do you and your mother have special bonding traditions? Do you have Sunday afternoon dates with each other to get together or chat over the phone? I have a weekly sushi date with my mom, just the two of us, where we can catch up, gossip, and spend quality time together. So ladies, with Mother's Day just around the corner (this Sunday, don't forget!!), do tell, what is your favorite mother/daughter activity?

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Do You Get Excited to See Your Family on Thanksgiving?

TresSugar — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 04:00:29 -0800

Many people consider spending time with family the best thing about Thanksgiving. In our busy lives, we don't find much time to cook, eat, drink, and catch up with loved ones.

Of course, not everyone has dream families - some relatives can be rude, non-accepting, or just generally overwhelming. Since Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away, I want to know if you're looking forward to some quality family time.

Do You Like the Holidays?

TresSugar — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 09:00:00 -0800

The weather in San Francisco has been so sunny and warm lately that it's strange to think the holiday season is upon us. Now that Halloween has passed, we can expect to see decorations all around reminding us that we need to make plans for Thanksgiving and eventually start our holiday gift shopping.

Of course, the holidays aren't all about entertaining and shopping - ideally they're about spending quality time with family and friends, eating delicious dishes, and enjoying our other favorite festive traditions. Do you think we're about to begin (perhaps prematurely) the most wonderful time of the year?

Source: Flickr User Jybet

Meet Matchmaker Amy Andersen, Part I

TresSugar — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 10:00:00 -0700

I'll admit it: one of my guilty TV pleasures is The Millionaire Matchmaker. I find the orchestrated pairings entertaining and stomach-churning at the same time. Of course, there are other matchmakers hard at work without reality TV contracts.

In the San Francisco Bay Area, Amy Andersen works with 800 singles, half of whom are women. Amy's company, Linx Dating, doesn't call itself a "millionaires" club; instead it fashions itself as a service for both "successful" men and women. Of course, you have to pay to play. Amy's fee starts at $6,000 for eight hand-picked matches. $30,000 gets you 15 introductions, a nationwide search, and a cocktail party. Amy also offers date coaching, image makeovers, wardrobe overhauls, fitness training, and networking cocktail parties.

This sort of "high-end" matchmaking can be controversial, so I thought it would be enlightening to ask Amy to share her take on matchmaking and modern love.

Why do people come to you for your services?

Amy Andersen: People come to me because they are educated and hardworking, (typically) young professionals who are interested in finding a like-minded, quality match. Often our clients have dabbled in online dating (to mixed results), most have attempted the bar scene to unpleasant outcomes, and due to their success and taking their professional careers seriously, they refuse to date their colleagues. Thus, the resources shrink, and choices become limited and sparse.

To find out what qualities Amy's clients look for in a date, and to see how she would answer critics, read more.

What are the top qualities a man looks for in a woman?

AA: I would say being physically fit is way up there -and keep in mind, fitness can be wide ranging; she doesn't have to be an Ironman triathlete, just someone who cares about her health and enjoys fitness - along with being confident and happy with who she is. It's also important she has a life outside the relationship - in other words, not clingy. Being warm and nurturing is also way up there!

What are the top qualities a woman looks for in a man?

AA: A woman looks for good DNA! She wants a man who is going to be a good provider - so she looks for financial stability. Our clients are not looking for a guy jockeying between jobs and floating around trying to figure out what to do with his life. She also looks for physical appearance, often wanting him to be fit or tall. And finally someone who is a good communicator, not a game player.

What would you say to critics who think you're setting up gold-diggers with men who want trophy wives?

AA: We couldn't be more opposite of matchmakers who only represent men and simply have women in their databases. Unlike The Millionaire Matchmaker or other firms, we represent both men and women, and not just average but exceptional professionals. So many of our female clients are just as, if not more, successful than their male counterparts. A critic could speculate that men gravitate toward the network to meet a highly affluent woman! It really could not be further from the truth that we work with gold diggers. Everyone in Linx is an equal, and each client pays for the service. Thus there are not unusual expectations, or women desiring rich men, or men desiring a casual hookup.

Can money buy you love?

AA: Money can buy you the option to meet someone great, but it can’t buy you chemistry which leads to love. That is left up to two people and fate.

Come back tomorrow to find out what Amy thinks about "hooking up" and traditional gender roles.

Meet Matchmaker Amy Andersen, Part II

TresSugar — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 09:10:00 -0700

Yesterday I shared part one of my interview with Amy Andersen, a high-end matchmaker who works with 800 successful singles. Amy tries to bring together young professionals who are interested in finding like-minded, quality matches - all for a price, of course; specifically, her rate is $6,000 for eight matches. In today's installment, Amy talks about modern dating and traditional gender roles.

Is traditional dating on the way to becoming obsolete thanks to the more casual hookup?

Amy Andersen: I think the causal hookup is fine when you are in your early to mid-20s, but for anyone who has chosen a career path that is more rooted in academia and a solid professional track, they crave dating through a more traditional and old world experience.

To be honest, tons of women get sick of guys who are forgetful or, frankly, who have become terribly spoiled and too lazy to show their dates what it means to be a gentleman. My clients are absolutely relieved to hear that this network adheres to a very old world approach, one with manners and chivalry. For the men, this means opening doors, being complimentary to their dates, not expecting that they will come upstairs for a quickie at the end of the night, instead looking forward to a kiss on the cheek. For our female clients, this means allowing oneself to embrace their femininity, take a deep breath, relax, allow the man to "be the man" and the woman to "be a woman."

To find out if all of Amy's clients are into this approach, and to see what exactly Amy means by "being a woman," read more.

Are all your clients into this approach?

AA: We find that it is a common misconception that a woman who is high-powered, extremely well educated, and attractive cannot accentuate her femininity on a date or in life without undermining her business acumen and strengths. Instead both can balance one another and be complementary, not the opposite. Another great reason why it is so fabulous to be a woman!

What does it mean exactly for a man to be a man?

AA: For a man to be a man, it means taking the lead when dating. It means allowing him to be a gentleman and not "castrating" him because he is trying to be chivalrous. It means allowing him to open the doors, walk on the outside of the street, to suggest a wine he likes at dinner that he thinks his date will like, to let him feel special on the date. Men want to feel useful and that they will be a provider for their ultimate mate, so sometimes when women are so used to be overly independent, men will wonder, "Where do I fit into this picture?"

And what does it mean for a woman to be a woman?

AA: Although she might be in control in every aspect of her life, it means being gracious, ladylike, exuding her femininity, and not taking the reins on the date as she might be used to in her work life. It means talking about things other than work, it means flirting, being silly at times, and not being so serious. It means putting on a skirt or dress, wearing a little lip gloss, and being thankful for being a woman. I’m not suggesting that a woman should be submissive or not use her mind; it is quite the opposite. Our guys in Linx crave cerebral and opinionated women, but she should let her date feel that he is worthy and attractive.

What do you make of Amy's thoughts on gender roles? Stay tuned to find out what Amy has to say about her female clients and the best way to meet a guy.

Hump Day: Is My Boyfriend a Sex Addict?

TresSugar — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's new sex advice column! Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for six months, and I’ve started feeling funny about the quality of our sex. At the beginning, sex was fantastic between us. We both have high sex drives, are creative in bed, and I think we both felt that we’d found our sexual soul mate.

Lately though, I’m feeling more and more objectified by him. He texts overly sexual things to me. (That’s fine, but how about an “I miss you!” every once in a while!) He wants to do rougher things, and although I don’t mind that and even find it a turn on, I'm beginning to feel less like a partner to him and more like an object. I know he’s really into porn, he masturbates a lot, has had lots of casual flings in the past and I’m beginning to wonder if he’s a sex addict.

What are the signs? What should I do? I care about him, but I am feeling suspicious that he no longer sees me as an equal, and I wonder if, with his insatiable appetite, he might even cheat on me. I know he’s done it in the past. Help! To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more.

Dr. Glickman's Answer:

First thing - good for you for listening to your intuition and your feelings on this. A lot of people ignore or don’t listen to those early warning signs, and that often leads to a worse situation. It’s important to pay attention to them when they first show up and I’m glad you did.

I hear the term “sex addict” used a lot. To be honest, there isn’t any consensus among therapists or sexologists about what it means and there is still a lot of debate about whether someone can be addicted to sex in the way that someone can be addicted to drugs, with all of the physiological effects that can have. At the same time, it seems pretty clear to me that some people have sexual compulsions that they have difficulty controlling or working with.

Now, maybe most people outside the sexology or therapy worlds don’t really care about the difference between sex addiction and compulsion. But I think it’s important to not throw the “addict” label at people (not that I’m suggesting that you’re doing that) because it can be really triggering. In my experience, it tends to create a lot of shame and judgment on top of whatever difficult feelings someone may have because of their actions. Of course, if someone wants to use the word to describe themselves, that’s fine. It’s about self-definition, after all.

Leaving aside the question of whether your boyfriend is a sex addict, I think that the place to start is the fact that you’re not getting what you want. From what you say, it sounds like you enjoy some of the same things, which can be helpful. But if you want sweetness and loving moments mixed in with the rough and tumble, that’s a totally fine thing to ask for. Have you spoken with him about that? If so, has he been open to hearing that? And what have the two of you agreed to do? If you haven’t raised this topic with him, why is that? What could make it easier for you to talk with him about it?

Along those lines, what about the non-sexual parts of your relationship? Are you getting your needs and desires met? Does this pattern extend into those realms, too? If he’s open to talking with you and finding ways to support your relationship, great! That’s a good starting point for working through how things are for your sexual connection. But if he’s not open to that in other arenas, that’s probably a good reason to reconsider whether being “sexual soul mates” is enough of a foundation for a relationship.

Assuming that you two are both willing to work on this together, there are a few directions that you could take things.

One of the challenges that can arise when someone explores some of their sexual desires is that it can cause a disconnection from their partner, especially if they go through a phase of wanting to focus on a particular set of fantasies to the exclusion of other ways of being sexual. I’ve seen people fall into those patterns when exploring many different sexual practices, although it seems to be especially likely when rougher sex is on the menu. I’m not aware of any research on the topic, but my sense is that for some people, the heightened intensity of the interaction can make it easy to get lost in the fantasy and hard to stay present and focused on the real life person they’re with. So finding ways to connect in other ways, such as sweet text messages or more romantic sex can be a big help.

You might want to take a vacation from the rougher sex for a while, at least until you can reconnect in other ways. Being able to ask for the types of connection that work for you can be a big help. I like the book The Five Love Languages for that. The author describes five basic ways of giving and receiving love and care (words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch). He also talks about how we tend to have our preferred method and that we often get into conflict because we’re using different languages, not because we don’t care for our partners. It’s a good read, although I personally don’t care for his biblical approach and had to filter that out. You can get the basic idea on this page of his website without getting into his particular religious perspective, if that works better for you.

It could also be worth talking with your boyfriend about why he wants to have rough sex. For that matter, you might also get a lot out of exploring what your motivations are, too. There are many different reasons people enjoy any type of sex and having a clear understanding of what yours and his are could be really helpful for both of you. If you’re clear about what you want to get out of it, you’ll be much more likely to be able to create the connection that you desire. If you go that route, I strongly suggest not having that conversation during or after sex. Set some time aside for it when you’re both feeling relaxed and ready.

Finally, if none of that works for you and things don’t change, or if he’s not open to talking about it, that may be a sign that things really aren’t going to change. Take a good look at the situation and listen to your feelings. (It sounds like you’ve already been doing that.) I think that whether your boyfriend is a sex addict is less important than whether he’s able and willing to sit down with you and talk about your relationship, and whether the two of you are able to engage in the give-and-take that all successful relationships need.

(Remember, if you have questions for Dr. Glickman, send them to TrèsSugar and we'll pass them along!)