TresSugar

Dear Quiz: Are You a Pushover?

DearSugar — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 08:00:00 -0800

Remember Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, "I want it now, Daddy!" Sure, getting what you want is great in theory, but you probably end up with more enemies than friends with that kind of mentality. That's what compromise is for; however, some people compromise their own needs so often that they end up being considered more of a pushover than just easy going. Does this sound like you? Take this quiz to find out which side you fall on.

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Your roommate is late on her rent for the fifth month in a row. Now she asks if you can cover the utilities for her this month. What do you do?

You know she's broke so you oblige.

You give her the money, but tell her it has to be just this one time.

You tell her to pay or move out.

How hard is it for you to tell someone "no"?

If I don't want to do something, it's not difficult.

I find it very difficult.

It's not hard for me.

When you go out with friends, who makes the final plan?

I do; I'm the most decisive.

They do; I'd rather go where they feel comfortable.

It depends on the occassion.

After a long day at work, a co-worker asks you to stay late and help him with something. You have a dinner party to attend, but you say:

Of course, even though you're sure you'll miss dinner.

Fine, but you're leaving in twenty minutes whether or not it's done.

Sure, but he owes you dinner.

How do you feel about canceling on people?

I feel perfectly fine about it.

I'll only do it if I have to.

I avoid it, otherwise I'm plagued with guilt.

Oh Snap! Pakistan Shows Off Its Style

TresSugar — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:00:00 -0800

More color and less skin filled the runways yesterday during the first day of Pakistan's Fashion Week, an event that will feature over 30 Pakistani designers. The organizers had to push back the four-day event twice due to security fears, but at last the beautiful show must go on. Check out these gorgeous photos.

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Hump Day: I Feel Used When I Have Sex With the Man I Love

TresSugar — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"After five years of being apart, I'm now re-dating my high school sweetheart whom I love. We lost our virginities to each other, and even during those five years we continued to have sex every now and then when we were single and managed to see each other. (We went to colleges in different cities.)

Now that we are together again, we've decided to wait a while before we have sex, but that does not mean that I don't find him attractive or that I don't sometimes just want to rip off his clothes. The problem is that one of the last times we had sex (about a year before we officially reconnected), I felt like a prostitute. I don't exactly know why, I just felt used afterwards and it was not enjoyable to me at all. I think part of the reason I say 'prostitute' is because he kept making me change positions and just seemed really into it for himself. I love him and I know that he loves me, but I think I'm having trouble getting over that experience. Even now, he will ask me to dress up for him so he can masturbate, which, as his girlfriend, I would normally be happy to do, but I just get that 'used' feeling again. I feel like a piece of meat, or just an object.

Of course he senses my change in happiness and it ruins the mood. I don't know exactly why I started feeling this way and I don't know how to get over it. I'm so afraid that once we start having sex, I will continue to feel this way. What's wrong with me? Please help!"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more
First thing: there is nothing wrong with you or how you’re feeling. Whatever is going on for him, whatever his intentions or motivations, there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you feel. There’s a big difference between having uncomfortable feelings and having something be wrong with you.

Second thing: trust how you feel about this. Something in this situation doesn’t feel right to you, and whether that’s about him, you, or the two of you together, your feelings are there to tell you something important. Unfortunately, they don’t always give you a lot of useful information, but they are valuable for making sure that you know that something is going on. In my experience, the best thing to do is listen to that and try to figure out what those feelings are trying to tell you.

It sounds like you have some unresolved feelings from that first experience of feeling like he was using you. When old feelings linger, they can affect how we feel about present-day experiences. Sometimes, that’s because the current situation is a lot like the past one, and at other times, it’s because we project those emotions onto the present even when the circumstances are very different. Either way, the best approach is to create space to talk about them and figure out what you need. I strongly suggest having that conversation with him when you’re not in the middle of the emotion because that makes it easier to talk about what’s going on without getting lost in the feelings.

Since you said that you’re not sure what it was that made that so uncomfortable for you, here are a few questions that might be worth exploring:

What was it about that first time that felt uncomfortable for you? When he was into changing positions so much, what about that made you feel used? Was it how he did it? Something he was saying? If he had said or done something differently, would that have made it better for you? The more you’re able to answer questions like these, the easier it’ll be to talk about your experiences.

Also, I’m not quite clear from how you phrased it, but when he asks you to dress up for him while he masturbates, do you do that? In my book, that counts as sex and I’m wondering how that fits into your mutual decision to hold off on sex. I can totally see how a request like that could trigger that “used” feeling if the two of you are supposed to be waiting. If it feels to you like he’s pushing your boundaries or trying to get you to do something beyond your comfort zone, one of the best things you can do is tell him that you don’t want to do that. If he persists, that’s a big warning sign to end things.

It would be really easy in this sort of situation to imagine all sorts of reasons why he’s acting like this. And while any of those guesses might be accurate to some degree, I want to caution you to try to not jump to conclusions. For example, some possible things that might be prompting him to act like this could be:

Maybe he’s gotten interested in experimenting different ways of having sex and doesn’t know how to start the conversation with you about it, so he’s just going for it. Maybe he’s gotten into porn and is trying to act out what he’s seen on the screen. Maybe he wants to explore some fantasies, his or yours, and hopes that you’ll reciprocate with your ideas. Maybe he’s clueless about how these situations feel to you and thinks that you’re enjoying it as much as he does, at least until it’s obvious that you don’t. Maybe he’s being selfish about your sexual interactions. Maybe he’s hoping that you’ll speak up with ideas of things to do.

Of course, there’s no way to be sure what actually is going on for him unless you ask (and he’s willing to tell you). The longer these things build up, the bigger they get. So as challenging as it may seem to talk about it with him, it’ll be a lot easier if you do it sooner rather than waiting. Take some time to tell him how you’ve been feeling. Find out what his intentions were. Trust your feelings and keep your boundaries solid.

I know that’s all pretty vague and I wish I could give you some more concrete suggestions. But there are too many possibilities for me to be able to steer you more than that. This sounds like a really hard time for you and whatever you decide to do and however things work out, I hope you find the support that you deserve.

And no matter how you feel, there is nothing wrong with you.

Are You a Drama Queen?

TresSugar — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 10:15:00 -0700

In my younger years, I was accused of being a drama queen. Small irritations with lovers would turn into big blowups, followed by passionate makeup conversations and lovin’. I carried this intensity even into friendships, thinking that pushing boundaries would make me closer to my friends.

I have since mellowed out, and realize that it’s better to keep an even keel with friends and lovers, communicating better and valuing stability over intensity. I learned the hard way - sometimes you can push things so far, there’s no going back. Are you, or have you been a drama queen? If you’re no longer, what made you change?

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American Violet Shows How War on Drugs Is the New Jim Crow

TresSugar — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Imagine if someone with a grudge against you told the police you were a drug dealer. Officers would come to your work and arrest you. Then you'd be told that you could go home right away by taking a plea bargain. That, however, would come with probation, the loss of your right to vote and to accept federal benefits like food stamps and public housing. If you chose to fight the charges, you would have to come up with $70,000 for bail or stay in jail. And if you lost, you'd be facing 15 years.

That's the choice that character Dee Roberts has to make in the new film American Violet. The movie is based on the true story of Regina Kelly, an innocent woman who was urged to plead guilty to drug charges by her family, friends, and public defender so she could return to her children. She chose to fight the charges, and with the help of the ACLU, she took on the system.

I had a chance to see the film at a screening also attended by the filmmaker and Regina's ACLU lawyer. To find out what I learned, and to see the trailer read more.

American Violet depicts a terrifying picture of the American justice system. The district attorney wields totalitarian power over a hardworking single mother who faces shaming and unemployment after her wrongful incarceration. While she struggles with the decision to sue the blatantly racist attorney general and the police, she ultimately decides to do her part to stop those preying on her community.

Filmmaker Bill Haney was moved to make the movie after Regina's story brought him to tears. The reality that this was not an isolated incident encouraged Haney to share her story.

ACLU attorney Graham Boyd explained that drug law and enforcement practices target the black community. And when 95 percent of criminal convictions are a result of aggressively pushed plea bargain deals, millions of innocent African Americans lose their right to vote, especially in the South.

It's no coincidence the panel argued, that the so-called War on Drugs was soon declared after the Voting Rights Act was passed in the 1960s.

American Violet is now playing in select theaters. The story of a woman who took on the system - bolstered by her strong bond with her mother and four daughters - it will make you second guess the War on Drugs if you hadn't already.

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Front Page: Nursing Home Gunman Kills 8, Faces Charges

CitizenSugar — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 08:01:58 -0700

After a gunman in North Carolina killed eight people in a nursing home yesterday, police are investigating whether his estranged wife's employment there had something to do with it. The man faces eight counts of first-degree murder. - ABC News
The Obama administration pushed out GM's chairman yesterday, and urged Chrysler to form a partnership with Italian car maker Fiat if it wants more government aid. - New York Times
The stimulus package has lobbyists bustling with ample amount of work. - Washington Post
A spy network working mostly from government computers in China has been able to infiltrate over a thousand computers in 103 countries, including those at embassies and foreign ministries. - BBC News

Obama Readies Plan to Tighten Financial Regulations

CitizenSugar — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 07:22:39 -0700

President Obama wants to wield more regulatory power over companies that have the potential to damage the entire financial system. Before he heads to the G20 conference, Obama plans to show his commitment to regulation (and not just government spending), so he can persuasively push European governments to do some spending of their own.

The New York Times reports that Obama's plan would require complex financial instruments, the kinds that contributed to the current mess, be traded through clearinghouses. In other words, this would make everything more transparent. Hedge funds would also become more closely monitored.

Another key component of the oversight rules would be limits on executive pay. To find out those details, read more.

The government might require that executive compensation be tied to corporate performance - that sounds pretty reasonable. But the rules could also apply to companies that aren't taking bailout money, raising concerns of undue intervention.

In addition, the government would have the power to cancel bonus contracts similar to those given to AIG execs. Right now the government can only take over the federally insured banking component of a company.

Do you think its necessary for the government to create tighter rules of regulation, instead of just trying to spend its way out of the crisis?

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Group Therapy: Can Our Relationship Survive This?

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Recently I discovered, much to my dismay, that I am pregnant. Already being a single mother of one, I find myself confused and completely stressed out. I am in a long distance relationship and am completely committed to my boyfriend despite the geographical hurdle, and when I told him about the pregnancy, he immediately told me that he wanted to keep the baby and asked me to move in with him.

After mulling it over for a few weeks, I started to think that we actually could make things work. The problem is that after my boyfriend was being loving and supportive, and pushing for me to keep the baby, he changed his mind - he no longer wants to be a father. He says he still wants to be with me, but can we really return to our lives and the happiness that was once our relationship if I do decide to keep the baby? I believe that he would rise to the occasion and be a father if need be, so does he just have cold feet? I'm totally lost and could use any advice you're willing to give me.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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Where Do You Stand? Our Oversharing Generation

DearSugar — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 07:30:00 -0700

With Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace taking over the Internet, it's hard to escape from this oversharing generation we've created. With a push of a button, we can now track our friends through their cell phones, Twitter our life stories, update our relationship status, and tell the world whatever is on our minds. And while I think these easy methods of staying connected with friends and family are a great benefit of our time, I also think a little mystery can be beneficial to all relationships.

I know there's a lot to be said here, so tell me where you stand on our current obsession with oversharing.

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Do You Agree With Bristol Palin That Abstinence Is Unrealistic?

DearSugar — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 07:30:00 -0800

When Sarah Palin was running for vice president, it was all over the news that her daughter, Bristol Palin, only 17 years old, was pregnant and engaged to marry her high school boyfriend. Now 18 and a new mom, she's speaking out in hopes of preventing other young teens from becoming parents. In an interview with Greta Van Susteren on a recent FOX News segment, Bristol said she wants to be an advocate against teen pregnancy, and encourages all teens to wait 10 years until they're married, living in their own home, and stable in their career before starting a family.

Even though her mother is a staunch "right to life" advocate, Bristol believes that in this day and age, her mother's view on abstinence is "not realistic at all." So what do you think? Do you agree that sex is acceptable at a younger age now and pregnancy prevention is what should be the main focus in schools? Or should educators still try to push teens to be abstinent?

If you're curious to see a video of Bristol's interview, read more.

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