TresSugar

Dear Poll: Have You Met a Significant Other at Work?

DearSugar — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 14:00:00 -0700

People, myself included, are always saying that it’s best to date outside of your job for fear of professional repercussions, but when you’re around the same people day after day, it’s inevitable that connections are made. In fact, I have a friend who had never been at a new job without meeting a new guy, the last of whom she married! So regardless of the arguments against it, have you ever met a significant other on the job?

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Dear Poll: Do You Mix Business With Pleasure?

DearSugar — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 16:00:00 -0800

I've asked you before how you feel about dating people you work with, but what about befriending the people you work with? Since we inevitably spend more time with our co-workers than our friends and family, it's easy to develop strong bonds. But no matter how much you may try to deny it, we live in a dog-eat-dog world. It seems like everyone is out to better their career, make more money, and climb the corporate ladder, which makes me question if co-workers make trustworthy friends. Obviously every company dynamic is different as is every friendship so tell me ladies, do you combine your personal life with your professional one?

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Dear Poll: How Many Risks Did You Take in 2007?

DearSugar — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 16:00:00 -0800

Going out of your comfort zone can be incredibly nerve wracking, but after you get over the initial fear, it's almost always worth the risk. Taking chances and pushing yourself makes you grow as a person not only in your personal life, but also in your professional life, so ladies, tell me, how many risks did you take in 2007?

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Group Therapy: How Do I Get Over My Fear of Being Single?

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I am a young professional who just moved across the country to start a new job. I have never lived more than an hour away from home, and I moved to a city where I don't know a lot of people. My college boyfriend and I broke up right before I moved, and it was extremely difficult to lose my best friend and boyfriend all while moving somewhere new.

I know that we broke up for the right reasons, and he was not the person for me, but I just have this huge fear of being alone forever. I feel like this fear is causing me not to enjoy this move and new chapter of my life as much as I should. We have been broken up for over six months so it's not like it just happened. I also feel like I am settling for people and guys, and putting myself in situations that I never would before I started college.

I used to have so much drive and so many goals, but now I just feel lost. Being a broke, single girl in a big city away from my family and friends that I have known forever, I feel like I have lost my direction in life. I really like my new job, but there are so many other things that I would like to do, like travel and go to grad school, but I just can't afford it. I want to be that determined girl who would never settle that I was four years ago, and I don't know how to get that back. Any advice?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Ask an Older Woman: Help! My Friend's With a Married Man

TresSugar — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 06:00:00 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's question: One of my good friends has been seeing a married man for about a year. He also just happens to be her boss. When we get together, she bombards me with the details of their relationship. He tells her he's never been happier, and that he'll leave his wife for her soon (yeah, we've heard that one before!) and she seems to believe him. My problem with this whole thing is that not only am I sick of listening to her, and of course could tell her so, but I've lost respect for her. Is it wrong to break up with a friend who's doing things I find morally reprehensible? Is there anything I can do to get through to her that what she is doing is horrible for her, not to mention this man's wife?

Signed, Confused Friend.

To hear what an older woman has to say, read more
Dear Confused Friend,

Ahh, the folly of youth. For every bad relationship I bored my friends with, I in turn listened to details about men (or women) they were with who didn't deserve them. It's part of being a friend.

My best advice to you is to be honest with your friend. You don't mention if you've told her how you feel, or if you did, how she reacted. If you haven't, now is the time to start. Tell her you care about her, but you think that contributing to cheating is morally messed up, and that in the end she's probably just going to get hurt. (I guess "the other woman" sometimes ends up with the guy, but who wants to end up with a cheater?) Also, sleeping with your married boss? Pretty dumb. Do other people in her office know? This is not good for her professional life either. I'd tell her that, too, although it's hard to imagine an adult who doesn't know this.

If you really like this friend and this is the only thing she's done that makes you question her character, ride it out and hope she comes to her senses. There's only so much advice we can give people. If you've told her how you feel and she continues with this affair, that's her decision. If she steers you toward this topic when you hang out, just let her know you don't feel comfortable listening to it anymore.

Sometimes, though, if friends do sketchy things, those acts are a window into the rest of their sketchy selves. I had a friend who not only cheated on her husband once, but throughout their marriage, and I began to notice that her behavior towards him mirrored her behavior towards me and everyone else. She was selfish, narcissistic and unable to ever admit fault. We'd had fun partying together when we were younger, but as we grew older, I realized I needed to respect my friends. After a blowout fight when she said horrible things to me, I took it as my cue to get out, and I dumped her.

You're in a tricky situation, but honesty is the best policy. If you can't be honest with her, maybe you aren't really great friends to begin with, in which case slowly turning down her invitations to hang out and discuss him should send her a message. Good luck!

Some Adult Children Divorce Their Toxic Parents

TresSugar — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 10:00:00 -0700

You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. This fact of life means that many of us put up with people we might not otherwise get along with.

Yesterday's New York Times examined what happens when certain family members, namely parents, cross the line from imperfect to completely intolerable. Critical, demanding, non-accepting, or verbally abusive parents sometimes prove too toxic to tolerate, leading adults to "divorce" the people who brought them into the world.

While many mental health professionals typically emphasize salvaging relationships, Dr. Richard A. Friedman wrote in the Times column that in certain circumstances, it might be healthier to end the relationship altogether. Dr. Friedman compares cutting off contact with a parent to cutting off a limb in order to save the adult child's life. Painful, but sometimes necessary.

What is the best way to handle toxic parents? Would you avoid them, cut them out completely, or try your best to deal with them?

Today Is National Depression Screening Day

TresSugar — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 13:10:39 -0700

Some of us say, "I'm so depressed" and refer to situational depression - something happened that bummed us out. But for some people, undiagnosed clinical depression can affect quality of life and lead, in extreme cases, to suicide if untreated.

Today is National Depression Screening Day, so if you're worried you may have more than a passing case of the blues, go to this website to find out where in your area you can get free and confidential screening for depression. The screening doesn't diagnose depression but helps lead you to qualified professionals who can provide a full assessment. You can also take their online assessment questionnaire.

Sign Language: "PhD in Waxing"

TresSugar — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 07:00:00 -0700

Some skills, like brain surgery and kidney transplantation, require doctors with years of training behind them. And although I know having your nether regions waxed within an inch of ~~its~~ your life should only be handled by a professional, I'm doubting this professional needs to have a PhD in waxing. Perhaps the Brazilian has gotten more complicated since the first - and last - time I got one.

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Ask Someone Dealing With Depression: Should I Be Mad at My Friend For Telling People I'm Depressed?

TresSugar — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, someone who deals with depression gives advice to a woman who is mad at her friend for telling people in her circle that she is depressed. If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I shared my struggles with depression with my closest female friend and told her that I did not want anyone else to know about it. She decided that because I wasn't answering her calls she would call the wife of a leader in our church and ask her for my husband's cell phone number so she could call him, asking about me. My "best friend" told the woman that I was going through something serious and when the woman said, "At least she's not seeking outside help" my friend said, "Well, I don't know for sure if she is or isn't."

Why else would she call her and say those things unless her intentions were to let her know about my situation and to inform her I "might" be seeking outside help for my depression? I found out about this conversation from the leader's wife and she only admitted to it after she knew that I knew about it. She insists that she only had my good in mind.

The thing is, it was a really huge deal to me that these people not be in on it because I know that they would attack me for being depressed in the first place, and also if I sought help outside of the church. The last thing I needed at that time was some church discipline. I was really suffering! I am so mad at my best friend for saying anything; should I forgive her?

Signed,

Angry and Depressed

To hear what someone dealing with depression has to say, read more.

Dear Angry and Depressed,

There seem to be three related but separate issues here: one is your anger at your friend, the second is the question of how your church is handling this, and the third is how to actually manage your struggle with depression.

As someone who has been through a lot with both depression and anxiety, I empathize with your situation. Depression hurts. As for your friend, I think you need to assess who this friend is to you, and whether she reached out to others because she was simply worried and didn't know how to handle it. While the outcome might have been a problem, if she did it out of legitimate concern I think she may be a real friend who just handled things badly because she cares and was confused about what to do.

My major concern with what you have said is that your church community thinks there is something wrong with getting outside help. Admittedly, I am not religious and have never belonged to a church, but I strongly feel that a community of any kind that is truly concerned with one of their members' well-being will support them in what they need, and not be judgmental about what that support might be. I think it would be worth explaining to your friend that what she might have considered finding you support actually feels like discipline, and that she needs to be more sensitive to what you need.

Finally there is the question of your depression itself. I do not want to assume you are in a situation where professional help from a therapist or doctor would be appropriate, but severe depression is something you need to talk to a professional about. If you feel like you are not getting help from your friends, family, or church, you're taking care of yourself by asking for outside help. Doctors are legally required to respect your privacy, and you could ask if they would refer you to a therapist.

Far more people struggle with depression than we can imagine when we are sitting alone with our thoughts, and there is support out there for you. You may just have been going through a rough patch and not need anything further, but depression is too serious a condition not to explore your options. Don't be discouraged if it doesn't seem like you can't find the right person to help you right away, but there are also lots of great people out there who can help. As for your friend, tell her how her action made you feel, give her the benefit of the doubt, and seek some relief for your pain from professionals. Good luck!

Meet Matchmaker Amy Andersen, Part I

TresSugar — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 10:00:00 -0700

I'll admit it: one of my guilty TV pleasures is The Millionaire Matchmaker. I find the orchestrated pairings entertaining and stomach-churning at the same time. Of course, there are other matchmakers hard at work without reality TV contracts.

In the San Francisco Bay Area, Amy Andersen works with 800 singles, half of whom are women. Amy's company, Linx Dating, doesn't call itself a "millionaires" club; instead it fashions itself as a service for both "successful" men and women. Of course, you have to pay to play. Amy's fee starts at $6,000 for eight hand-picked matches. $30,000 gets you 15 introductions, a nationwide search, and a cocktail party. Amy also offers date coaching, image makeovers, wardrobe overhauls, fitness training, and networking cocktail parties.

This sort of "high-end" matchmaking can be controversial, so I thought it would be enlightening to ask Amy to share her take on matchmaking and modern love.

Why do people come to you for your services?

Amy Andersen: People come to me because they are educated and hardworking, (typically) young professionals who are interested in finding a like-minded, quality match. Often our clients have dabbled in online dating (to mixed results), most have attempted the bar scene to unpleasant outcomes, and due to their success and taking their professional careers seriously, they refuse to date their colleagues. Thus, the resources shrink, and choices become limited and sparse.

To find out what qualities Amy's clients look for in a date, and to see how she would answer critics, read more.

What are the top qualities a man looks for in a woman?

AA: I would say being physically fit is way up there -and keep in mind, fitness can be wide ranging; she doesn't have to be an Ironman triathlete, just someone who cares about her health and enjoys fitness - along with being confident and happy with who she is. It's also important she has a life outside the relationship - in other words, not clingy. Being warm and nurturing is also way up there!

What are the top qualities a woman looks for in a man?

AA: A woman looks for good DNA! She wants a man who is going to be a good provider - so she looks for financial stability. Our clients are not looking for a guy jockeying between jobs and floating around trying to figure out what to do with his life. She also looks for physical appearance, often wanting him to be fit or tall. And finally someone who is a good communicator, not a game player.

What would you say to critics who think you're setting up gold-diggers with men who want trophy wives?

AA: We couldn't be more opposite of matchmakers who only represent men and simply have women in their databases. Unlike The Millionaire Matchmaker or other firms, we represent both men and women, and not just average but exceptional professionals. So many of our female clients are just as, if not more, successful than their male counterparts. A critic could speculate that men gravitate toward the network to meet a highly affluent woman! It really could not be further from the truth that we work with gold diggers. Everyone in Linx is an equal, and each client pays for the service. Thus there are not unusual expectations, or women desiring rich men, or men desiring a casual hookup.

Can money buy you love?

AA: Money can buy you the option to meet someone great, but it can’t buy you chemistry which leads to love. That is left up to two people and fate.

Come back tomorrow to find out what Amy thinks about "hooking up" and traditional gender roles.