TresSugar

Handle This: He Wants to Try Anal Sex

DearSugar — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 13:00:00 -0700

On occasion, your boyfriend has mentioned that he’s really enjoyed anal sex in the past and would like to try it with you. You've always felt hesitant about the idea, and naturally brushed off his requests. Lately, however, you’ve started feeling as if he’s pressuring you into it. One night when you’re fooling around, he pulls away from you and says that he’s bored with your sex life. He thinks it’s unfair that you haven't tried anal sex with him; it would really mean a lot to him if you just tried it; just once. How would you handle this?

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Do Tell: Where Does the Pressure in Your Life Come From?

DearSugar — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 10:00:00 -0700

I’ve found that pressure either makes people work 10 times harder, or it stresses them out to the point where they can’t do anything at all. In either case, substantial pressure can be overwhelming and hard to avoid.

To make matters worse, pressure has no boundaries; it can enter your personal life just as easily as your professional one, and often comes from the people closest to you. So tell me, where does the pressure in your life come from?

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You Asked: Are We Compatible?

DearSugar — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for two and a half years. We now live together and both work full-time jobs, do well financially, love to travel together, plan the future (marriage, home, kids) and according to our friends, we are a great couple. I'm 24 and he is 26 and we are happy, however I've been feeling more frustrated lately about certain things. We disagree about spending money. While we do have a joint account that we use for rent, bills, and groceries, we have separate accounts for our own needs. He doesn't spend much and does not see the value of anything material - he thinks shopping for expensive things is ridiculous and feels we can do more with our money than purchasing beautiful handbags, shoes and accessories. I love fashion and shopping. I have no debt and I pay my credit cards in full. There are times I need to rein in my self-control when I see something out of budget, but I never shop beyond my means.

Another area is health. I am definitely careful about what I eat and have maintained a healthy weight since high school. I love chocolate, the occasional fries, and indulging when going out. He's the opposite. He wants to eat the healthiest foods at all times and never eats fried or fatty foods when we go out. If I cook something too high in butter or too salty, he asks if I will cook with less next time. He also pushes me to exercise so I can stay healthy. I take two to three workout classes a week, and I feel that is enough for me.

Overall, he just wants me to be the best I can be. He's a very smart person with three degrees from Stanford and a great job. He loves his family, he's a good friend, and he truly does care about me; it's just that he is critical without realizing that what he says makes me feel pressure to be perfect. He really sees it as helping me, and always asks me to help him be better in any way.

I want this relationship to work. I've thought about breaking up, but I break down just thinking about it - I love him a lot and I know he loves me too. Is there any way to make this work? What should I do? - Feeling the Pressure Pamela

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Feeling the Pressure Pamela,

I don't blame you for questioning your relationship. As we all know, no one is perfect, so when you're dating someone that wants you to be just that, it can feel incredibly overwhelming, even leaving you critical of yourself for no good reason. Everyone has different opinions on materialism, but the fact of the matter is you're entitled to do whatever you please with your own money. If you're paying your bills on time, and not dipping into your shared account or retirement funds, I don't see what the problem is. Treating yourself to nice things, if you can afford them, is perfectly normal if you ask me.

My concern here, Pamela, is your boyfriend's issues with control. It's very clear from his strict eating/working out regimen that he's disciplined and he's trying to push you to be the same way. Giving into your vices every once in a while is healthy - that's what makes life fun!

If you want this relationship to work, he must understand how you feel and what it is that makes you tick. Having such a controlling boyfriend will only lead to greater problems down the road so it's imperative to get to the bottom of these issues sooner than later. If your likes and dislikes stray too far from one another, this relationship just might not be the right fit. While love is extremely important, compatibility is really what it takes to have a successful relationship. Good luck.

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You Asked: Why Can't I Get a Date?

DearSugar — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I haven't had a relationship in over seven years and I am wondering what is wrong with me. It seems that everyone around me is either engaged or setting a date to be married, and I don't even have a boyfriend! I have dated a few guys, but I'm always the one left wondering what went wrong. I can't help but think that it must be me. I live alone, I have a profession, I own my own car, and live in a nice apartment that's beautifully finished. People keep telling me that marriage will happen for me, but I'm not convinced. And, if it does, I'll probably be too darn old to even enjoy it! And, lastly, it makes me feel even more inadequate when my mother tells me how pretty I am, but doesn't understand why I can't find anyone. Do you have any advice? I am already seeing a therapist because I think that I'm going crazy! - At My Wits' End Amy

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear At My Wits' End Amy,

There's nothing worse than feeling like you're the odd woman out - I've been there - but dwelling on the fact that you haven't met anyone will only make things worse. Finding someone special isn't easy and it won't happen overnight. You have to endure a lot of trial and error and perhaps a few broken hearts, but most of all, you have to be patient. It sounds like you have a lot going for you, so use that to your advantage - get yourself out there and meet people! As E. Jean put it, it's a mathematical certainty that you'll meet someone if you place yourself where there are high numbers of men. Football season is about to start, so get your girls together and hit up your local pub on game day. Keep your eyes open while you're at the gym, take walks in the park after work, and Amy, don't forget to ask your friends, your friends of friends, or even your co-workers to set you up - it works sometimes, you know!

While I'm sure your mom means well, be firm and to the point when you tell her that you'd appreciate it if she'd stop with the questions and pressure. The way you feel inside is bound to show on your exterior, so as hard as it may be, you must think positively. I wish I had an answer for you as to why you haven't met "the one" yet; unfortunately, and as cliche as it may sound, it'll only happen when the timing is right. Good luck.

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You Asked: I Don't Want to Get Married

DearSugar — Wed, 21 May 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for four years, and we currently live together. In more ways than not, we're like a married couple, although we don't have a joint bank account. Everyone is pushing me to get married, but I don't want to! It seems like being in a committed, long-term relationship without the pressure of marriage just has so much less responsibility and drama.

I guess I'm just happy with the way things are, and though I would never write it off completely, I know marriage isn't something that I need or want right now. But it seems like everywhere I look, my friends are getting married or expecting me to announce my engagement; I feel strange being a girl who doesn't want to get hitched. Is there something wrong with me that I'm not more excited by the prospect of a wedding?

- No Wedding Bells Bridgitte

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear No Wedding Bells Bridgitte,

I don't think I can emphasize this enough: There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! Because of the way our society works, once you reach a certain age, there are things automatically expected of you - one of which is marriage. Understandably, the pressure is worse if you're already in a committed relationship, but I'm relieved to hear that you're not letting the pressure get to you or harm your relationship.

If you're happy, enjoy it, and don't worry about the fuss everyone else is making around you. Marriage might be what works for your friends, but that doesn't mean it has to work for you - especially if you're satisfied with the way things are now. A successful relationship is more about love and respect than it is about wedding parties and engagement rings. Next time someone asks you when you're tying the knot, just tell them, "We're just planning on staying happy indefinitely." Who can argue with that?

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Group Therapy: What Should My Response Be?

Mon, 05 May 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I am 28 and single. I have been in a serious relationship for a little over two years with a man that is 31. We plan on getting married in about a year, when he is finished with law school. I am perfectly fine waiting another year but for some reason, everyone around me isn't! Every time I go to any event where I see friends (especially those that I've known for a long time) I get the same questions: "Why aren't you guys married?" or "When are you guys finally going to tie the knot??"

Aside from these being incredibly rude questions, they still catch me off guard. I want something witty and quick to say back to these people, but nothing rude. What are some good responses to this question?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Dear Poll: Does Your Work Life Interfere With Your Personal Life?

DearSugar — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 16:00:00 -0700

Although I’m sure Savvy would advise against it, sometimes it seems nearly impossible to separate professional life from personal life. I know in the past when I’ve had a terrible day at work, I’ve ended up having an equally terrible night at home. Somehow my bad mood leaves me irritable and short with my loved ones no matter how hard I try to leave my work baggage at the office. Does this happen to you too? Does your personal life suffer if you've had a terrible work week?

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You Asked: His Pressure Is Going to Tear Us Apart

DearSugar — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for five months now but we've know each other for two years. We are very much in love, and have talked about getting married one day. We are both still young, and while I have graduated college and have a stable, well-paying job, he does not. The topic of his career came up today and he asked me to choose a path for him. He says that it's not only him he is thinking of now, it's both of us, so it's only "proper" that I have a say in what he chooses as a career. He even asked me how much money I need him to make each year. Not only that, but he is already thinking about getting married as soon as we can afford it.

He is putting so much pressure on me, not only by asking me to choose a career for him, but also in planning our future so prematurely. I tell him to just take each day as it comes, and to focus on one thing at a time, but he insists that he needs to plan everything now in order to be ready in the future. I love him very much, and I am pretty sure that I would like to spend my life with him, but we have only been dating five months and I'm terrified that the pressure he is putting on us will drive us apart. How can I talk to him without hurting his feelings or our relationship?
- Feeling the Pressure Paulie

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Feeling the Pressure Paulie,

I don't blame you for feeling an enormous amount of pressure by your boyfriend asking you for such advice. It would be one thing if he was asking your opinion about two career paths he was contemplating, but asking you to flat-out choose for him is a little inappropriate, especially with regards to his finances. One of the great things about becoming an adult is figuring out for yourself what it is you want to do with your life. If he only wants to work for a paycheck, there's no doubt in my mind that he'll inevitably be unhappy and unfulfilled.

It's always fun to talk about the future, but over talking it is proving to be too much. I'd be honest with him about the way you're feeling in this relationship - sure, he might feel a little stung, but being straight forward with him is the right move. Let him know that you'd be more than happy to be his sounding board and support system, but the career path he chooses needs to be his decision. Hopefully, once you let him know how much stress you're feeling, he'll be able to back off a bit so you can move forward with your relationship and do just as you suggested - take each day as it comes.

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Dear Poll: Would You Let the Pressure Get to You?

DearSugar — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 08:00:00 -0700

So Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey haven't been together all that long, but the swirling pressure for them to get engaged is even felt by total strangers. I don't know if it's the media's perception that she's ready for him to get down on bended knee or if she's actually come right out and said it, but engagement pressure of any kind sure can put a serious strain on even the best relationship. No matter if the pestering is done in a supportive way - "You look so happy, it must be happening soon!" - it can still send anyone into a tailspin. I've never had to deal with relationship bullying, but have you? I guess what I want to know is, would you or have you ever let the pressure get to you?

Bauer-Griffin

Group Therapy: How Do I Break the News?

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 11:00:00 -0700

A while ago I met this really nice guy. We went on several dates and got along great. Things were going really well and it felt like soon things would lead to a relationship. Well, unfortunately, I made the mistake of telling my family that I had started seeing someone new and that we were getting closer. I don't get into relationships often so they were really excited for me. The next week things started falling apart and he decided he didn't want to commit to a relationship.

Now every time I see my family they keep asking me how things are going with him. The first time they asked, I lied and said that we had both been too busy to get together recently. But now more time has passed and they still want to know. How do I break the news without feeling like a total loser?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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