TresSugar

The How-To Lounge: Making Long-Distance Phone Time

DearSugar — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 14:00:00 -0700

Let's face it: Staying in touch is hard, especially if you have a big family, lots of friends, or entire time zones separating you from the people you love. But the phone is an essential tool when it comes to nurturing long-distance friendships; the problem is finding time to talk.

If you've got friends spread out over the country or the globe, there are a few simple things you can do to make quality talk time. To see my tips and add your own, read more.

Make a date. Particularly when dealing with time zone issues, setting up a specific time to talk helps tremendously. If it's someone you talk to a lot, schedule a day and time when you can talk every week. For one-off chit-chats, use IM, texts, or email to find a time that works.
Write a pre-email. If you've got obligatory job and vacation updates to get out of the way, do it over email. That way, your phone call can focus more on the sort of goofy chit-chat and gossip you'd have if you were talking in person.
Make it fun. Sometimes, if you have a lot of catching up to do, a phone date with a friend can go for hours. To make it worth your while, turn it into a virtual happy hour: Pour yourself a glass of wine, have you friend mix up a cocktail, and sip while you dish.
Squeeze it in. If you don't have time for a marathon phone call, try calling friends and family when you have downtime here and there - if you're walking home from the subway or waiting for the cable guy to show up. This can also help the time zone issue: If you're coming home late and you live on the East Coast, your West Coast friends are just finishing dinner.
Double up. If your parents are on the other end of the phone but in the same room, why not talk to them both at once? Have them get on speaker phone so you don't have to repeat yourself.

Have your own tips? I'd love to hear them, so please share in the comments.

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Ask Someone Dealing With Depression: Should I Be Mad at My Friend For Telling People I'm Depressed?

TresSugar — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, someone who deals with depression gives advice to a woman who is mad at her friend for telling people in her circle that she is depressed. If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I shared my struggles with depression with my closest female friend and told her that I did not want anyone else to know about it. She decided that because I wasn't answering her calls she would call the wife of a leader in our church and ask her for my husband's cell phone number so she could call him, asking about me. My "best friend" told the woman that I was going through something serious and when the woman said, "At least she's not seeking outside help" my friend said, "Well, I don't know for sure if she is or isn't."

Why else would she call her and say those things unless her intentions were to let her know about my situation and to inform her I "might" be seeking outside help for my depression? I found out about this conversation from the leader's wife and she only admitted to it after she knew that I knew about it. She insists that she only had my good in mind.

The thing is, it was a really huge deal to me that these people not be in on it because I know that they would attack me for being depressed in the first place, and also if I sought help outside of the church. The last thing I needed at that time was some church discipline. I was really suffering! I am so mad at my best friend for saying anything; should I forgive her?

Signed,

Angry and Depressed

To hear what someone dealing with depression has to say, read more.

Dear Angry and Depressed,

There seem to be three related but separate issues here: one is your anger at your friend, the second is the question of how your church is handling this, and the third is how to actually manage your struggle with depression.

As someone who has been through a lot with both depression and anxiety, I empathize with your situation. Depression hurts. As for your friend, I think you need to assess who this friend is to you, and whether she reached out to others because she was simply worried and didn't know how to handle it. While the outcome might have been a problem, if she did it out of legitimate concern I think she may be a real friend who just handled things badly because she cares and was confused about what to do.

My major concern with what you have said is that your church community thinks there is something wrong with getting outside help. Admittedly, I am not religious and have never belonged to a church, but I strongly feel that a community of any kind that is truly concerned with one of their members' well-being will support them in what they need, and not be judgmental about what that support might be. I think it would be worth explaining to your friend that what she might have considered finding you support actually feels like discipline, and that she needs to be more sensitive to what you need.

Finally there is the question of your depression itself. I do not want to assume you are in a situation where professional help from a therapist or doctor would be appropriate, but severe depression is something you need to talk to a professional about. If you feel like you are not getting help from your friends, family, or church, you're taking care of yourself by asking for outside help. Doctors are legally required to respect your privacy, and you could ask if they would refer you to a therapist.

Far more people struggle with depression than we can imagine when we are sitting alone with our thoughts, and there is support out there for you. You may just have been going through a rough patch and not need anything further, but depression is too serious a condition not to explore your options. Don't be discouraged if it doesn't seem like you can't find the right person to help you right away, but there are also lots of great people out there who can help. As for your friend, tell her how her action made you feel, give her the benefit of the doubt, and seek some relief for your pain from professionals. Good luck!

Conventional Wisdom: Ask a Feminist

TresSugar — Mon, 04 May 2009 04:00:00 -0700

I have a problem. I don't know what's going on, but the past three guys I dated after a while just stopped returning my phone calls and texts. They just left me in the dust! I usually blame myself. Was it something I did or said? Did we spend too much time together? But I can't even talk about it with them because the guy disappears! This hurts so much. Please help me figure out what I should do to prevent this from happening in the future.

- Sick of Being Ditched

To see how a feminist responds, read more

Dear Sick of Being Ditched,

I want to say first off - hang in there. It does feel painful to put yourself out there in the dating world and to feel rejected. We all go through it, and most of us weather it until we find the person who is right for us. I'm not going to tell you that a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, but I do know that before you can put yourself out there, you need to know who you are. I suspect there are larger issues that need to be addressed.

I would need to have more information to truly give you the proper advice. First off, I wonder how old you are, how long you dated these men, or if you slept with them or not? Even without knowing that information, I am concerned that you are blaming yourself and wondering if it was something you did or said.

Dating is not just about being accepted or liked by the person you're dating, it's also about finding out if you really like the person. You don't say anything about how you felt about them; you seem only to focus on the fact that they didn't call you back. Sometimes, if we feel insecure and seek others to accept us, we may project neediness, and people back off. I'm not saying that's what happened in these cases - perhaps they were jerks, or there wasn't chemistry - but it's something to think about.

I suggest you focus on yourself before you date again. What are your talents, your interests? What is it about you that your family and real friends love? Most importantly, what is it about you that you love? Cultivate that, respect that, and the next person you meet who sees that and appreciates who you really are will be the right one for you. When you do that, and someone isn't interested in you, your ego may feel stung, but you'll know they were probably not right for you anyway.

If you try all that and still find yourself sad and bereft because someone didn't call you back, it may be time to talk to a therapist about what underlying issues are making you seek outside validation at the expense of your own sense of self-worth.

Good luck and be strong,

A feminist

Click here to find out more about Conventional Wisdom and here to submit a question.

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Tech Dating 101: Using Your Phone While on a Date

DearSugar — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 11:42:02 -0700

Sometimes we all need a little help navigating the choppy waters of dating when tech gets tossed into the mix, which is why geeksugar and I have teamed up for another installment of Tech Dating 101. Last week, we talked about canceling a date via text, and this week we're discussing whether or not texting and making calls during your date is acceptable dinner etiquette.

Can I text and make phone calls during a date without being rude?

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

I'll make this one simple. Using your phone while you're on a date is rude - period. A date should be about you and the person you're with, trying to get to know one another, enjoying your time together, and most importantly, not worrying about what your friends are doing or who is trying to get in touch with you.

If you're on a date with your long-term boyfriend or your husband, my opinion is a little different, especially if you have kids. While I think having chats at the dinner table is still impolite, I do think checking to see who is calling or reading a text is acceptable if you're trying to make plans with other couples or if you're calling to check in with the babysitter, but taking it any further is still a no-no in my book.

However, if you're on a blind date and you think there's a chance you'll need to make a quick escape, by all means keep that phone on the table for your "emergency call" from your best friend!

To see what my girl geek has to say, be sure to click here!

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This Week With DearSugar

DearSugar — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Check out our new feature, Tech Dating 101, and find out what I think about changing your relationship status on your online profiles!
How do you feel about lending/borrowing money from your significant other?
Now that Spring has sprung, check out my dos and don'ts of bathing suit shopping.
How much do you know about unplanned pregnancies? Take this quiz to find out!
What does your Mr. Right look like?
Desperate times call for desperate measures, so would you move back home with your parents to save money?
If you've ever been to therapy, were you embarrassed to admit it?
How long do you wait before introducing your new man to your friends?
Tell me, would you rather be slightly bigger and healthy, or thin and unhealthy?
Are you a fan of phone sex?

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Where Do You Stand? Our Oversharing Generation

DearSugar — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 07:30:00 -0700

With Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace taking over the Internet, it's hard to escape from this oversharing generation we've created. With a push of a button, we can now track our friends through their cell phones, Twitter our life stories, update our relationship status, and tell the world whatever is on our minds. And while I think these easy methods of staying connected with friends and family are a great benefit of our time, I also think a little mystery can be beneficial to all relationships.

I know there's a lot to be said here, so tell me where you stand on our current obsession with oversharing.

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You Asked: Technology Is Ruining Our Relationship - Help!

DearSugar — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now, and I have increasingly noticed that he can't seem to get off the Internet, Facebook, his cell phone, or AIM. Don't get me wrong: I also enjoy these social outlets, but I know when to give my boyfriend attention. Some days are technology-free, but other times, we are often interrupted by text messages or Facebook notifications that come to his phone. I've tried to bring this up and he always tells me that he needs to keep in touch with his friends, but I find it hard to believe that he has to be connected 24/7. I'm beginning to think that this relationship is doomed by technology. Any advice? - Feeling Second Best Bianca

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Feeling Second Best Bianca,

I happen to think we are all a little too reliant on staying connected - I'm guilty of this myself - but the only way to break the habit is to make a conscious effort to change. Having technology-free days is a great start, but if you're feeling like this habit of his could actually ruin your relationship, talking with him about it and explaining your side is crucial. Keeping in touch with friends is important, but see if you can't agree on a middle ground - no phone or computer after a certain hour or no phone or computer while you're spending quality time together (especially in the bedroom!). If he agrees to an understanding like that, you have to give a little too and let him have free reign during those non-off-limit times.

Hopefully he'll be able to see how his actions are affecting you and your relationship before it's too late. Good luck.

Source

You Asked: I Don't Understand Why He's Rejecting Me

DearSugar — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

A friend of a friend asked me out about two months ago. We had known each other for a while, but we really hit it off at our mutual friend's birthday party. He pursued me and made me feel connected to him in a way I hadn't felt in a long time. Things were great for a few weeks; we talked on the phone and texted every day, went out a couple times a week, and we even started sleeping over at one another's apartments.

Then he started to pull back all of a sudden, telling me that he wasn't looking for anything serious and didn't want our relationship to affect his other friendships. This crushed me, and I have a strong feeling that our mutual friend had a hand in this. I've tried to talk to both of them about it, but I can't get a straight answer. Now the guy I was dating barely acknowledges me, even as a friend. I have to initiate every conversation and he always has an excuse for why he can't hang out. I really like him and don't understand how or why things changed seemingly overnight. I just don't know what to do - help! - Blindsided Betsey

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Blindsided Betsey,

Without getting a straight answer from the guy you were seeing, you'll never know the motivation behind his decision to pull away from you. Sure, your mutual friend could have a part in it, but that's just speculation until you get the truth from the horse's mouth, so to speak. Since he's not taking the initiative to spark conversation with you, you have two choices. One, you can let things settle down for the time being, or two, you can ask him to coffee or to meet for a drink in order to talk everything out and understand his change of heart.

At the end of the day, not all relationships work out, and if he continues to avoid you, I'd close this chapter in your life and move on. Fighting for someone who doesn't want to be with you never feels good so hopefully you'll be able to get the answers you need sooner rather than later.

Source

You Asked: Is It Too Soon to Fall in Love?

DearSugar — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I've been talking to a guy for a little over two months now. Things have been going great, but I'm away at law school so most of our conversations are limited to text messages and phone calls. We've had one visit since we met and plan on another one in the near future. We really enjoy each other conversationally, and we had amazing chemistry and passion during our visit. We've decided to talk exclusively; however, I have no clue what I'll be doing when I graduate.

Because of this uncertainty, we decided to keep things really casual until I figure out my plans, but two days later, he told me that he thinks he is falling in love with me! Is this possible so soon and with such limited interaction? I feel strongly about him as well but I'm far from ready to say I love you. Are we on two completely different pages here? What should I do? - Weary Wendy

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Weary Wendy,

Since you're still unsure about your feelings for this guy, I think you should just give it more time before making a decision, one way or the other. Use the distance to your advantage and really get to know him. If your feelings grow, you have the option to factor him into your plans after graduation, but if you feel like you're better off as friends, at least you'll know you tried.

It does sound like you are on different pages in the relationship right now, but no, I don't think it's too soon for him to tell you that he's falling in love with you. There is no written rule that dictates when we fall in love; it happens differently for everyone so don't beat yourself up for not feeling the same way. I think you should continue doing what you're doing and let this relationship progress organically. Good luck!

Source

You Asked: How Can I Avoid the Office Drama?

DearSugar — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I recently quit my job at a company that I absolutely hated because I was constantly being mistreated. In addition, there were some very shady things going on behind closed doors that I was privy to, and completely against. I announced my resignation the day I left. My boss inquired as to why I didn't offer to give two weeks notice per the contract I signed, and I told him it was because I disagreed with the way things were going down and asked that he understand and respect my decision. He agreed and said that it was okay for me to leave that day.

Here's my issue: Every week since I've left, I've received phone calls and e-mails from this company asking me to assist them in training my replacement. I understand their need for my help since I left with no notice, but I simply don't feel comfortable being a part of their company anymore. I don't want to start a war or go into further detail about why I left so how can I make them leave me alone so I can put this entire experience behind me? - Taken Advantage of Amanda

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Taken Advantage of Amanda,

It sounds like you got out of there just in the nick of time, so if you don't feel comfortable going back, don't. Your boss gave you the green light to leave without staying for the two weeks you originally agreed upon, so don't by any means feel like you have to help them train the new girl.

With that said, if you haven't already received a reference from this company, you might want to talk to your boss about getting one ASAP, as your failure to help them after your departure could negatively affect the way they view your performance. If you don't care about the recommendation, or if you've already received it, I'd simply be stern the next time someone contacts you and tell them you are unable to assist them and politely ask them to stop their incessant calls.

I'm not sure what went down there, but it's pretty clear by your reaction that it's something you need to put in the past. Lean on your friends for support and hopefully once they stop contacting you, you'll be able to move on from this bad experience. Good luck.

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