TresSugar

Where Do You Stand? Sibling Rivalry

DearSugar — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 16:00:00 -0700

Even though I'm the oldest in my family, I've still fallen victim to sibling rivalry. And while my brother and I are very different, it's that competition that often times pushes us to reach our goals, whatever they may be. Yes, rivalry has a down side too, but tell me, where do you stand on the matter? Do you think it's just a healthy part of any family dynamic or does rivalry have the ability to wedge a gap between siblings?

Source

The How-To Lounge: Sticking With a Goal

DearSugar — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 13:00:00 -0700

The New Year isn’t the only time for resolutions. In fact, I’d wager to guess that most of us are creating goals all year long. But the problem with goals is that they don’t count for much if you don’t follow through with them. If you need help sticking with your goals, then read more.

Always keep your eyes on the prize! Write your goal on sticky notes and post it all over your house. Tell your friends so they can ask you about it. The more you’re staring it in the face, the more difficult it will be to quit.
Make a habit out of rewarding yourself for a job well done on a week-to-week or even daily basis. Not only will your goal seem more feasible broken down into shorter spurts, but you’ll always have something to look forward to.
As often as you celebrate your accomplishments, overlook failures. Instead try using any missteps as motivation to keep going. If you start beating yourself up, giving up is sure to follow suit.
With that in mind, recognize that some missteps are inevitable. Life is too hectic and people are too imperfect for there not to be a slip every now and again. But if you can prepare for it, you’re more likely to withstand it.
Usually when we create a goal in the first place, there’s something that’s specifically motivating us - a promotion, new shoes, or fitting into some old jeans - but as the steps in reaching a goal wear on, it’s easy for the initial motivation to wane. Thus, you’ll be much better off if you come up with new reasons to be motivated along the way. The more motivation the better!

Good luck!

Source

What Do You Want to Do Before You Die?

DearSugar — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 07:00:00 -0700

I just came across this great website asking a very poignant question: What do you want to do before you die? The inspiration behind this project was sparked by "a passion to get people to think about (and act upon) what is really important in their lives through this simple, very straight-forward question." Nicole and ks, the co-curators, have collected numerous photographs asking each participant to fill in the blank “Before I die I want to . . .” on the white section of their Polaroid pic, and they plan to keep in touch in order to see if participants have accomplished their goals. I absolutely love this concept, so let me throw out the same question to all of you: What do you want to do before you die?

Source

What New Things Do You Want to Try This Year?

DearSugar — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 08:00:00 -0800

I'm not a huge fan of New Year's resolutions that make you feel like you're a horrible person or that you've done something wrong if you don't follow through. I'm more into resolutions that are positive and inspire you to be a better you rather than "I will stop eating sweets," or "I will try to be more organized." My New Year's resolutions always start out with this: "This year I will try x, y, and z." Here's my list for this year: I will try snowboarding, making a quiche (my friend YumSugar can help me with this one), and I'll learn how to change a flat tire. As you can see, this isn't an outrageous list of impossible goals, but it's a list of things that I think are important to learn and do.

I'm sure you all have goals you want to accomplish in your lifetime. It can feel overwhelming to have a huge list in your mind, so why not make a few small goals each year. Take a minute to think about your list, and then tell me, what three things do you want to try or accomplish by the end of 2008?

Source

Cleveland: Future Host of the 2014 Gay Games

TresSugar — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:42:00 -0700

While America's first family arrives in Denmark with hopes of bringing the 2016 Olympic Games home to Chicago, Cleveland, OH, has just been awarded the 2014 Gay Games! The sports and cultural event should attract more than 10,000 athletes, along with spectators ready to spend millions of dollars. In fact, the games can generate up to $80 million in economic impact.

The Gay Games were started in 1982 by US Olympic decathlon competitor Tom Waddell, who has since lost his battle with AIDS. The event's philosophy is that "doing one's personal best should be the paramount goal in any athletic endeavor." Anyone can participate, regardless of his or her sexual orientation or skill level, and competitors represent their cities, not their countries.

Cities like New York and San Francisco have hosted the Gay Games, but it's fun to see a less predictable location choice like Cleveland. Would you check it out?

What Is Stockholm Syndrome?

TresSugar — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 14:05:37 -0700

News this week that Jaycee Lee Dugard, 11 years old when she was abducted in 1991, was discovered living in her abductor's backyard, prompts reactions both of happiness and horror. Happiness that this poor young woman, raped and twice-impregnated by her abductor, is finally free. Horror when you think of what her life must have been like these past 18 years. How is she going to fare now that she’s been reunited with her family and will finally be able to see a doctor, and hopefully, a therapist? Clues about her mental state were revealed by her stepfather Carl Probyn after talking to Jaycee’s mother: "She told me that Jaycee feels really guilty for bonding with this guy. She has a real guilt trip."

We hear this counterintuitive detail in many cases where kidnap victims and people in abusive relationships feel sympathy for their captors/abusers, identifying with them and even bonding with them. Natascha Kampusch, the young woman who only three years ago escaped from the man who abducted her at age 10 and kept her in a windowless cellar for eight and a half years, was distraught after hearing that he had committed suicide. Some psychologists say that this sympathy is, in part, what keeps abused women so psychologically attached to their abusers.

Although it's probably impossible for most of us who have never been in such extreme situations to imagine that someone would have any positive feelings toward a person who abused them or imprisoned them, psychologists have a term for why it happens: Stockholm syndrome. To find out what this fascinating and disturbing psychological term means, read more.

Coined by Swedish psychiatrist and criminologist Nils Bejerot to explain why, in 1972, Swedish bank employees sympathized with the bank robbers who held them hostage for six days, Stockholm Syndrome can arise if the captor - in between his or her abuse - occasionally shows gestures of affection or concern, or gives them something they need. Experts say that what the victim doesn't consciously acknowledge is that these gestures tend to be self-serving, rather than genuine tokens of kindness.

Stockholm Syndrome became a household word in the '70s with the infamous Patty Hearst case. The millionaire heiress granddaughter of publishing magnate William Randolph Hearst, Hearst was abducted at age 19 from her apartment in Berkeley, CA, by a fringe left-wing guerilla group that called themselves the Symbionese Liberation Army. During her captivity, according to Hearst, she was blindfolded and kept in a closet, occasionally taken out to be beaten or sexually assaulted. After a time, the brainwashed Hearst succumbed to Stockholm Syndrome, according to psychologists who examined her, and began to sympathize with the SLA's agenda of creating a fairer society. She helped them rob a bank and later even said positive things about them to the press.

After Hearst's arrest and trial, her lawyer told the jury that she should not be charged in the case as a person who was operating in a normal capacity, of her own free will. They didn't buy the diagnosis of Stockholm Syndrome, however, and Hearst served two years in prison until Jimmy Carter commuted her sentence in 1979.

It's terrifying to think about the convolutions our minds are capable of when survival is the goal. What do you think about Stockholm Syndrome - do you buy it as a diagnosis?

Slow Sex Movement Guru: On Romance and Sex

TresSugar — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 13:15:00 -0700

"I think that when you actually have raw intimacy, it isn’t sex, it isn’t romance, and it isn’t spirituality - it's just a pure connection."

This is the first in a four-part series of interviews I had with Nicole Daedone, who is emerging as the leader of the slow-sex movement and who founded the OneTaste urban retreat center in San Francisco. OneTaste invites men and women to learn about mindful sexuality by participating in workshops, yoga, and (for residents only) controversial "OMing" sessions in which men stroke women to orgasm during daily morning sessions. To read the first part of the interview and to see a Nightline segment on OneTaste, OMing sessions and Nicole, read more.

TrèsSugar: What is the goal of the OneTaste retreat center?
Nicole Daedone: I get apprehensive about using the word "revolutionize," but it's to revolutionize the way we look at sex. I think that we've gotten extremely distant from the actual "it" that it is and that it's gotten kind of pathological the further away we've gotten away from the source of it. That's why I like the idea of slow sex. You know, in the same way that we've industrialized food, we've industrialized sex. We've lost the meaning and the meaning really is simple: it's the most elemental energy that allows two people to come together and tune into their own body at the same time, which is a pretty profound thing. I think that we've lost track of that.

TS: In the age of the Internet and easily accessible fast food sex, I could see why slow sex would be important. But I was really struck by a comment on your website when you say that romance and all the expectations around it can also get in the way. I think a lot of heterosexual women feel, "I try to have sex to connect with this person, and sometimes the man is using sex to disconnect from me." So I was curious how you think that women's ideas about romance might actually create a problem, too.
ND: My experience is that romance is, to put it in Buddhist terms, the "near friend." It's when it's so close but it's not the "it" that you're looking for - but it's enough to keep yourself comfortable. And that if you go to the deeper, value-neutral sexuality, you can have romance as a byproduct. But if you go to romance, you aren’t going all the way and you don’t get the value-neutral energy that you can use the sexuality for. And so what I’m interested in is having people go to the raw, rich, nutrient place of sexuality and then learn how to use it for a deeper purpose.

TS: So you would say that the romance part is a delusion in a way?
ND: I don’t know that it's a delusion, but I think that it can be an obstacle in that it can be misused as a means of actually decreasing intimacy. So if I have this idea about who you are and I just keep trying to stuff you into that idea, and not actually discover who you are or have curiosity, that's the biggest danger of romance, that I have an idea of what I want and I keep trying to fit you into it. I don’t relate to the parts of you that don't correspond with the idea.

TS: We're so used to pathologizing male sexuality ("all they’re looking for is sex" or something like that) that I think there is a way in which we don't think about how, for some women, "all they’re looking for is romance" and that, too, may rob them of a true experience with the person.
ND: Exactly. I think that when you actually have raw intimacy, it isn't sex, it isn't romance, and it isn't spirituality - it's just a pure connection.

Ask a Rambling Storyteller: How Do I Get Out of My Rut?

TresSugar — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a rambling storyteller advises a woman who is in a major life rut. Want to throw your hat into the ring? You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

I'm in a rut. But it's worse than that, I'm stuck because I realized that I have no goals. I am 30-years-old and in my twenties two things happened. The first thing is that I worked dang hard to get two university degrees. I picked a field that I did well in academically (journalism), but when I entered the work force I realized I couldn't hack the competitive atmosphere and the lack of creativity. The second thing that happened was that I got sick. I was diagnosed with a painful autoimmune disease that left me in pain and frequently bedridden.

When I was sick I was miserable, but the drug that I was prescribed made me CRAZY. And it made me gain weight. I was depressed and anxious and didn't want to see friends or family, I felt like a loser because I didn't want to see anyone, didn't feel attractive, and felt like a failure because I gave up stressful journalism for a super boring marketing job. So fast-forward a couple of years to today.

Today, I'm healthy. I'm off the prescription that made me nutty. My mood is great. I feel more like myself than I have in YEARS. But the thing is . . . I've spent so much time with my health as my number one priority that everything else has been stagnating. I'm in a job that I find boring, I still have friends - but now that I've poked my head out of the sand I'm feeling out of step, especially as many are now in serious relationships and have seriously good careers. I feel like I'm behind, but the thing is I don't know what to do. I'm drifting, and I'm starting to get anxious! Can anybody help me figure out how to get my confidence back and get a plan together?

Signed, In a Rut

To hear what a Rambling Storyteller has to say, read more

Hi In a Rut:

The answer to your problem lies at Ponderosa. Stay with me. I want you to picture yourself at Ponderosa. You go there because everyone says steak is very delicious, and you like delicious things, so you’ve been planning to order a T-bone. In fact, you have been preparing to eat a steak for so long that you’re sweating A-1. So you go to the restaurant, but then you realize that - oh crap! - someone has pickpocketed your wallet. So you chase the crook, and it’s exhausting, but you finally nab her and get your wallet back.

With that ordeal over, you want to sit down, but a bunch of other customers have snagged tables - and most of them are already on to dessert, those jerks. FINALLY you get a table and order the steak you’ve been craving. But when it comes out, it looks like braised mouse and tastes like a sweaty toupee. You stare at it and think, “Ugh, I don’t want this at all.”

Now, is it your fault that you were delayed by a stickyfingered crook? Or that the tables were filled by customers who started eating way before you did? Or that it turns out that steak isn’t delicious to you? I bet you can easily realize that no, none of this is your fault. So why are you being so hard on the Ponderosa that is your life?

Let’s review what you’ve told me: You were diagnosed with a painful disease, and the recovery process was not easy. Yet you managed to triumph. You thought you wanted to be the next Helen Thomas, but actually, you don’t, and that’s okay. How about giving yourself some compassion and credit for being handed more to deal with than most and handling it well? Of course other people are doing other things with their personal lives and careers. That’s because they’re not you. They didn’t beat back a disease, and they didn’t realize that they want to do a different kind of work. Different situations, different places in life, so ditch this “I’m behind” talk.

If you keep comparing yourself to others, you will never be satisfied. Ever. Stop doing that and start living each day like you’re going to kick ass - because, honestly, you’ve been given a second chance at a healthy life, and you’ll thrive by focusing on the opportunities ahead of you rather than ones you’ve missed in the past.

So, how do you regain your confidence and get going again? Whenever you start comparing yourself to others, stop those thoughts in their tracks and remind yourself that you’re on your own path. Focus on your personal situation, your experiences, and your goals. Start with what you do know: You don’t want to be a journalist, and you don’t want to do the snoozeville job you’re doing. So what things interest you? What is your passion? Could you add some volunteer work to your schedule, take a class somewhere, or otherwise follow what you like to do? Doing that will help you figure out what to do for work, and it’s bound to boost your confidence and self-esteem. That, in turn, will help you get ready for a great relationship when it happens.

Going back to the Ponderosa allusion, you might not want steak, but hey, look, there’s a huge all-you-can-eat salad bar! Approach the salad bar of life, dear reader. Sample a little of this, a little of that, and you’ll start figuring out what does taste good to you. (Just stay away from the croutons. Stale bread helps nobody.)

Signed,

A Rambling Storyteller

Poll Suggests That Obama Is Helping Race Relations - Agree?

TresSugar — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Although President Obama is reluctant to discuss his personal role in the country's race narrative, Americans do feel differently about race since he took office. A new poll shows that two-thirds of Americans believe that relations among the races are generally good.

The percentage of blacks who have a positive view of race relations has doubled since July, indicating that Barack Obama's presidency has impacted perceptions.

One black woman surveyed explained that Americans seem to be working together. She said: "Before, there was more of a separation, blacks working for black goals and whites for white goals. Obama has helped change the perception of blacks in a positive way, but it’s also the times."

Do you think Obama has helped make people more open to people of different races?

Source

President Obama to Send Personned Mission to Mars

CitizenSugar — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 09:30:04 -0700

Due to the recent positive identification of Martian water and the discovery of a labyrinth of subsurface tunnels, President Obama has announced support of a personned mission to the Red Planet. Stating that these tunnel cities could only be the work of hyper-intelligent creatures, Obama plans to dedicate $55 billion toward astronaut training with the goal of a flight and landing before the end of his second term.

Defending the expenditure as "a stimulus that will provide jobs in the aeronautics and astrophysics sector," Obama feels it will give a boost to the overall economy, recalling such 20th century innovations as Tang powder breakfast drinks.

The president also promised to share in the grueling, daily, five-hour physical workout routines of the astronaut candidates in place of his basketball workouts, for which he has been criticized (unfairly, in his opinion) for showing presidential preference to that sport.

To see video of the president discussing the plan at the G20 conference, read more.

APRIL FOOLS!!!!!! We won't be landing a man or woman on Mars anytime soon!

Source