TresSugar

More Harm Than Good?

DearSugar — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 11:00:00 -0700

To add more fuel to the teen pregnancy fire surrounding the Palin family, Jamie Lynn Spears thought it would be a nice gesture to send Bristol Palin, Sarah Palin's 17-year-old pregnant daughter, a baby gift with a card reading "hang in there." While I'm not one to judge these girls or their decisions to be young moms, I did think this was a little bizarre - they don't even know each other!

Jamie Lynn is no stranger to public scrutiny, so I have to ask why she'd turn the spotlight on Bristol and back onto herself. I could be overthinking this, but tell me: Do you think this is a situation where a young girl trying to support another young woman in the same position is a good idea? Or do you think her gesture caused more harm than good by bringing more unwanted publicity to her personal life?

Update - Turns out that Lynne Spears has denied any gifts were sent.

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Handle This: Your Friend Wants to Break Her Engagement

DearSugar — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Your engaged friend has been acting incredibly distant lately. You assume it's because she's planning her wedding, but when you finally get time together, she opens up to you after a few drinks. She tells you that things aren't going well and she's having serious cold feet, to the point that she wants to call off the wedding. You try to calm her down, but the more details she divulges, the more you're starting to think perhaps calling off the wedding is the right decision. You've grown to love her fiancé, and you remember how happy they once were, but you want the best for your friend. You don't want to give her bad advice, so how do you handle this?

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Do Tell: Have You Ever Been With an Uncircumcised Man?

DearSugar — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 08:00:00 -0700

The jury is still out when it comes to circumcising your kids, but when you meet a man as an adult, that decision was already made for him long ago. While circumcision is done for several reasons - so sons can look like their fathers, for religious purposes, or for cleanliness - medical research still wavers as to what's better. Since many are opting against it, do tell, have you ever been with an uncircumcised man? If so, was it any different from being with a man who was circumcised?

Ask an Agnostic: I Cheated on My Husband and Feel Guilty

TresSugar — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a Christian woman who cheated on her husband feels guilty and needs advice; she'll get some from an agnostic. If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I have a confession to make: I'm having an affair. I'm a good woman, and I do love my husband very deeply but I have a problem with being alone and he is not here. I have always had a problem with cheating and I have never been faithful in a relationship. I recently ended the affair but the guilt is killing me and I don't know what to do, especially as a Christian woman.

Signed,
Guilty as Sin

To hear what an agnostic has to say, read more

Dear Guilty,

I don't know what to tell you "as a Christian woman," as I am an agnostic woman and religion doesn't factor into my life, but I will tell you what I know about cheaters and cheating. It may not assuage your guilt, but perhaps it will help you to figure out why you continue to sabotage your relationships and undermine your self-esteem, and hopefully it will get you into therapy or counseling to get to the bottom of why you keep stepping out on people you say you love so deeply.

I have a theory about cheaters: they don't feel too good about themselves. I've heard many justifications for cheating, and they all seem to be variations on the theme of, "I'm being cheated, so I have a free pass to cheat." Let's say they feel cheated because they're not being paid attention to by their partner. Instead of expressing this to the partner and seeing how they can remedy it to their mutual satisfaction (or, if there's no remedy, to get the hell out of the relationship), they grab onto what they can to fill that void, their partner be damned. It's a passive-aggressive act that seems to say, "I am too powerless (or chicken) to directly confront this head-on, so I will get what I can on the down-low."

Or let's say they're jealous of their partner, who might be more successful, happier or have more sexual experience than they. Cheating for them accomplishes two things. Out of resentment that life hasn't given them what they wanted, and out of a feeling of egoic deficiency - they get a quick fix of attention from another person (filling a void inside by outside validation), and they secretly punish their partner for having what they don't.

You say you've never been faithful in a relationship, so although you almost blame your husband for your cheating ("he is not here"), you also admit you are the one with the problem. This is a good first step. So what to do now? There are two schools of thought about what you should do if you've cheated and stopped.

One school says that to tell the person you cheated on would be selfish; all it would accomplish is to put your burden on them. This school of thought says you should just suck it up and vow to yourself you'll never do it again. Another school says that you must come clean and give the other person a chance to decide whether or not they want to forgive you or work on the relationship with you.

This is a personal decision I can't make for you. For me, cheating is an (almost) irreparable act of contempt for the person you're in a relationship with. If it happened to me, I would want to have the chance to determine whether or not the person who did it was a) truly sorry, and b) sure it wouldn't happen again. I don't think I'd want someone of questionable ethics to decide on my behalf. Plus, I'd have more respect for someone who came clean even at the risk of losing the relationship.

What seems most important to me is that you figure out why, especially if you believe in the pretty rigid moral code of Christianity (especially when it comes to sexual matters), you keep on cheating? Maybe you are rebelling against this moral code. What do you lack within your marriage (but more importantly, within yourself) that you're getting from attention outside your marriage? (Maybe your husband travels a lot, leaving you alone. Lots of people are alone, though, without feeling empty inside. This is an important distinction.) Are you someone who doesn't feel comfortable confronting others, or asking for what you want? This "people-pleasing" attitude often means a lot of repressed anger, which can lead to cheating.

Whatever you decide to do, the first step I would recommend you take is to repair the relationship you have with yourself. If your actions don't square with your beliefs about right and wrong, you need to confront that first before you begin to heal your relationship with your husband. Hope that helps and good luck to you.

Woman Implanted With Wrong Embryo to Give Birth

TresSugar — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Carolyn Savage was elated when she was told her implanted embryo had taken, and she was pregnant with her fourth, and last, child. After her first pregnancy, Carolyn faced a host of life-threatening problems, and two of her children had been born prematurely. Determined to have a fourth child, she and her husband Sean resorted to in vitro fertilization.

And then they received the unthinkable news from the fertility clinic: another couple's embryo had been implanted. After consulting lawyers and the biological parents, the Savages decided Carolyn would carry the baby to term and then give it up to its parents. Although the legal option was theirs, because of their beliefs, they chose not to terminate the pregnancy. Carolyn has decided to have her remaining embryos implanted in a surrogate who will carry and deliver her fourth child.

As advanced as reproductive technology is, we have yet to catch up with ways of handling the ethical dilemmas that arise when things go wrong. What if Carolyn didn't want to carry another person's baby and decided to terminate it? Legally, the biological parents would not have had recourse, but imagine how tragic her decision would have been for all involved. What do you think about fertility advancements? Are they necessary, or should people just adopt or be content with the number of children they have?

Alabama Supreme Court to Women: No Sex Toys For You!

TresSugar — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 14:00:00 -0700

Love Stuff, a sex toy shop in Hoover, AL, recently filed a challenge to strike down a 1998 law that bans the sale of sex toys. Alas, anyone who wants to buy sex toys in Alabama will have to go elsewhere. The Alabama Supreme Court upheld the state's ban in a 7-2 decision on Friday, arguing against Love Stuff's claim that the ban violated a person's right to sexual privacy.

The Legislature argued that although you can still use your Pearl Rabbit in private, they have the right to ban its public distribution. In a statement that could easily have been written by the satirists of The Onion, the 11th Circuit stated in its majority opinion, "There is nothing 'private' or 'consensual' about the advertising and sale of a dildo."

In arguing that regulating commercial activity is not a private activity (and hence doesn't fall under Love Stuff's challenge that the law is a violation of privacy), Associate Justice Michael F. Bolin claims that the law banning the sale of sex toys is an issue of public morality. Do you see any connection between morality and the sale of sex toys? Does the court's view of sex toys and their sale seem outdated to you?

Violence Works? Would-Be Abortion Providers Reconsider

TresSugar — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 13:00:00 -0700

Some medical professionals opt out of performing abortion because of religious objections, but after the recent murder of Dr. Tiller, personal safety concerns are prompting medical students to reconsider their decision to become abortion providers.

The Washington Post interviewed students this week who say they "took a step back" after an alleged antiabortion activist murdered the late-term abortion provider. Devin Miller, 23, is the leader of her school's "Medical Students For Choice" group. She planned on becoming an OB-GYN and expected to terminate pregnancies from time to time. Now, she says, "It's very hard to be confronted with the constant negative energy and constant fighting."

Abortion is one of the most common procedures in American medicine: statistics suggest that nearly one-third of American women will have an abortion by the age of 45. But if the fear of violence or stigmatization continues, there won't be anyone to provide the procedure. Already, 87 percent of US counties have no abortion services, and in a country of 300 million people, there are only 1,787 doctors who perform abortion.

If you were a medical student, do you think you would consider becoming an abortion provider?

Ask a Buddhist: Can I "Find Myself" While With Someone?

TresSugar — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. Today, a person who believes in Buddhist teachings will offer her common sense advice to a 24-year-old looking to find herself. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

Is it possible to figure out what you want out of your life while in a committed relationship? My boyfriend and I started dating when we were 16, when we were still young and impressionable. Now, we're both 24 years old, and while we are very much in love with one another, we're both feeling as though we do not know ourselves as individuals. And while we want to figure ourselves out while being together, we have tried - though not very successfully - and it hasn't quite worked so far. So, is it possible to figure yourself out while in a relationship? Or is it best to just cut ties despite the love you feel for another and take time out for yourself, alone?

- In Love but Confused

To find out what the Buddhist has to say, read more.

Dear In Love and Confused,

Wow. Your question really hits home, and I'll try to answer it with the wisdom of my experiences and those of my friends.

I, too, asked this question when I was 24 after having been with my boyfriend, my first love, since I was 18. (Not quite as long you.) I had the 20-something equivalent of the seven-year-itch. I'd never been with another person, I'd moved in with the boyfriend at a young age, and although we had different things going on (he was older and had a career that he loved and I was in college), I felt that there was a big world out there I wasn't exploring so we could be together.

In my case, ultimately, the decision was easier because my restlessness had to do with wanting to having other sexual experiences with people. I loved him, but knew that if I stayed with him, my curiosity would get the better of me. Although it was one of the toughest decisions I had to make, and there were many doubts and tears, I didn't regret my decision to break up with him and move on.

Having said that, I also know people who have remained with the people they fell in love with as teens who are leading happy and fulfilled lives in which the experiences they have separately add to the relationship they have together. The relationship, for each of them, is a place where they not only share experiences that expand their sense of self (they travel together, volunteer together, have similar hobbies), but where, after they do their own thing separately (with their own set of friends, their own travel adventures, etc.) they can come back to the relationship without the other person feeling left out or intimidated by their partner's separateness.

This is where it can get tricky. What experiences contribute to that feeling of "individuality" as you refer to it? There are things you might not be able to discover while in a committed relationship - in my case, it was experiences with other people. Or let's say you want to travel abroad. Unless your boyfriend can do that with you, you might have to spend some time apart. Will you both be OK with being apart and being monogamous? Would you be able to take a break from your relationship, and the monogamy, with an agreement to be back together and see how it goes? Maybe counseling could help you figure out what it is exactly that feels missing, so you could experiment before you "cut ties" with this person you sound like you're really in love with. (I'm curious about what it was you tried and wasn't successful.)

Whether you met when you were 16 or 25 (or 35, 45 or 55!), the challenge of maintaining your individuality in a couple will remain. I know some people who met at ripe old ages who are in stifling relationships that end up being excuses for not exploring who they really are. You definitely have a challenge, but one that's not insurmountable. The question is, how creative can you be, how honest can you be, how flexible can you be? Try out everything you can, and if at the end of the day, you decide that the only way you can find yourselves is to be apart, maybe you can make a pact to meet up again at a certain age and see if it works?

Not losing yourself in a relationship is something everyone - of all ages - experiences. I have a feeling you two can be honest with each other to try everything out to see what works best for you. If you were meant to be together, it will all work out in the end. Good luck, stay present with what you're feeling, and be honest with yourself and your boyfriend.

- A Buddhist

Ask a Grad Student: Should I Stop Snooping On My Boyfriend?

TresSugar — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 08:30:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. Today, a graduate student will offer her common sense advice. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

Dear Grad Student,

I've been going out with this guy for almost two years. He actually blocked me on Facebook once because he claimed that I was asking too much about his updates (like his exes writing to him) so he removed me. I created an alias and became friends with him and this girl so I could see what he was saying. What I saw made me so angry, I confronted him. I always ended up apologizing because I was the one who had to admit I invaded his privacy. I deleted that account.

One day at my place, he left his account signed in on my computer so I checked his inbox and saw that he was still flirting with his ex f•ckbuddy and he was telling her things like his loins burn for her and they missed each other. He was also inviting girls for coffee and dates. I again confronted him, and he told me that some of the things I'd read he'd said during the month we had broken up. In any case, he changed his password.

Now I am using Gmail where Facebook notifications are sent, and there are still things there that drive me crazy. I don't want to be a jealous, insecure bitch, so I want to know if someone thinks I should go on snooping, or will I go to hell if I keep it up?

To find out what the graduate student has to say, read more

Dear Snoopy,

As I write this, I picture you sitting in your car outside your boyfriend’s apartment in a hat, sunglasses, and a glued-on mustache waiting to catch him red-handed with one of his paramours. I say this not to be mean or make light of what you’re going through, but to get you to think about what you have been reduced to in this relationship: you are a desperate private investigator instead of a girlfriend.

Before I address what you’ve found out, I want to say a little something about trust. It’s a cliché but it’s true: trust is the foundation of a relationship, and without it, you really have nothing. You don’t say anything in your question about what your two-year relationship was like leading up to your Facebook and Gmail investigations. Was it great, and then something he did made you suspicious? Or are you just a naturally suspicious (and insecure) person, who, during the course of her investigations, found out the boyfriend was flirting with exes and making coffee dates with other women?

In any case - here we are. You are two years into a relationship with a man who sends other women sexual messages and invitations for coffee and who has blocked you on Facebook, and you seem to be spending all of your time trying to catch him saying something incriminating. Is this really the kind of relationship you want?

If you believe your boyfriend when he says that he did this flirting when you were broken up, you need to sit down with him and have a frank conversation about your fears and doubts. And then stop snooping on him. It’s not that you’ll go to hell for continuing to snoop or even that it’s ethically messed up - although it is. You should stop snooping for your own psychological health. It sounds like you’re addicted to invading your boyfriend’s privacy in the hopes you’ll find something that will hurt you so that you can feel bad about yourself both for being potentially cheated on and also for being a "jealous insecure bitch."

If you really think this guy is stepping out on you, why not just break up with him and heal your own hurt? Your problems here are bigger than his Facebook updates. You need to feel secure within yourself before you can trust that you can be in a relationship without having to snoop to feel safe. A healthy relationship involves being with someone you trust - until he has done something to betray that trust. Then, you have to make a healthy decision either to walk out or try to make it work.

Take off your private investigator hat and investigate your own motivations and behaviors and learn what a solid, healthy relationship looks like. (Maybe with the help of a therapist?) Then you'll be able to make the right decision.

Front Page: Abu Ghraib Photos Blocked by Obama Show Rape

TresSugar — Thu, 28 May 2009 08:00:34 -0700

Unreleased graphic photographs of alleged prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib show apparent rape and sexual abuse by US soldiers. Some citizens are protesting Obama's decision to censor the photos. - Telegraph
As a judge, Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor has ruled in favor of abortion opponents. Abortion rights advocates are nervous that she might not uphold Roe v. Wade if it came before the court. - New York Times
General Motors is preparing for bankruptcy. - LA Times
A powerful 7.1 earthquake hit Honduras today. So far one person is confirmed dead. - AP
American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert is being pressured to publicly address his sexuality. - MTV
Four common myths about swine flu debunked. - ABC News

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