TresSugar

You Asked: Being Perfect All the Time Is Killing Me!

DearSugar — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar
My boyfriend is an Aries, which means that he expects nothing but the best from me and he's under the impression that I should do everything right the first time. He wants me to be perfect in every way but I'm finding it exhausting. I try to suggest that he empathize with me but he doesn't get it and as a result, he makes me feel inferior and limited. What can I do to appear more confident and self-assured? - Pushed Too Far Patricia

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Dear Pushed Too Far Patricia,

Well it's no wonder you feel inferior and limited - I would too if I had a boyfriend like that! No one can be perfect all the time, and in actuality, perfection is so subjective that you might never meet your boyfriend's ideal. The thing about being the best you can be is learning from your mistakes, so if your boyfriend doesn't understand that it's nearly impossible to do everything right the first time, every time, you might be better off dating someone that does.

Relationships are all about growing together as a couple, so if you're only left to feel bad about yourself after spending time with him, something has got to change, and fast. It sounds like talking to him isn't helping so lay down the law. Tell him that you don't like the way his unattainable expectations make you feel and that if he doesn't start to accept you for who you are, he's going to have to get used to being single.

Having self-confidence comes with loving yourself but when you have someone who's constantly pointing out your flaws, it can make it really difficult to see all the positive attributes you do have. Don't hang onto this guy if things don't change, Patricia. You deserve to be with someone that loves you and all your imperfections.

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Faking Pefection

DearSugar — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0800

I don't know if you guys caught it, but Katie Holmes appeared on Good Morning America yesterday in a rare television interview. As a fan of the pre-Tom Cruise Katie, it's been hard getting used to the very fashionable, put together, and happy new Katie. Sure, being happy is a good thing, but is it just me or does she seem a little too happy? Yes, her daughter's perfect, her husband's uberfamous, and she's rich, but come on, some things have to be hard! I find myself wondering if everything is really as it appears.

Sometimes it seems like the more excessive people are about something, the more insecure they feel. It's as if they're trying to convince themselves that they're doing as well as they wish they were. So what do you think, is Katie faking it? Do you know anyone who pretends to be happy or flawless as a way of compensating for imperfections and fears?

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News to Me: Perfectionists Are at Risk for Depression

DearSugar — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 07:00:00 -0800

I'm sure you all have a little voice inside you that says to work hard and be the best you can be, but some people let that voice take over their lives. There's nothing wrong with having perfectionist tendencies, but according to a New York Times article, researchers are worried that being too hard on yourself and others may put you at risk for mental illness.

According to the story:

Some researchers divide perfectionists into three types, based on answers to standardized questionnaires: Self-oriented strivers who struggle to live up to their high standards and appear to be at risk of self-critical depression; outwardly focused zealots who expect perfection from others, often ruining relationships; and those desperate to live up to an ideal they’re convinced others expect of them

While it's perfectly normal to want to do well at your job, if those feelings expand to your personal life, you could be at risk for depression or even suicidal thoughts. Why is that? Perfectionists can be overly self-critical, and that pressure can be too much to handle. Also, perfectionists may have exceedingly high expectations of others, which can in turn ruin their relationships.

Perfectionists can also be obsessive-compulsive - working long hours to get a project done earlier than needed, or redoing work to make it just right. Their fear of failure is what drives them to be super-human and to do above and beyond what may be possible.

Dear's Advice: If this sounds familiar to you, it's probably a good idea to talk to a therapist so you don't have to deal with these feelings on your own.

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Are You a Compulsive People-Pleaser?

TresSugar — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

We've all done it before - offering to do a favor we later regret, or overextending ourselves when really we just need me-time. But for some people (and I imagine women outnumber men here because of social conditioning), chronic niceness can verge on the pathological and actually be hazardous to the people-pleaser's overall health.

According to Les Barbanell, psychologist and author of Removing the Mask of Kindness, there are many reasons compulsive people-pleasers turn out that way. They could have had emotionally distant, controlling or depressed parents who were also possibly overcritical perfectionists. As a result, their children grew up believing that in order to win their love, they needed to do whatever it took to please them.

If gestures of generosity to other people are not measured against what a person can reasonably give, the result is often depression, anxiety, and (not surprisingly) repressed rage. In its connection to narcissistic personality disorder, so-called "caretaker personality disorder" shows its not-so-selfless and not-so-nice face: it can often cover for the do-gooder's secret ego trip. Like people with NPD, CPDers "require excessive admiration and envy . . .have an overt sense of entitlement, and . . . are incapable of forming equal and mature relationships."

When flight attendants tell parents to put their oxygen masks on before they put them on their children, it's a hint for all of us: don't take care of others before you take care of yourself - or you may pay for it psychologically and emotionally.

Is He a Commitment Phobe or Just a Perfectionist?

DearSugar — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Last week when George Clooney split from Sarah Larson, it seemed to be final confirmation that he's a bachelor through and through. Though his decades of dating have led some to speculate about his fear of commitment, new research is aiming to shed some light on men with a propensity for riding solo.

According to this Reuters story, one such man, Carl Weisman, was so tired of being deemed a player that he decided to get the facts on what makes men choose bachelorhood over married life. Surveying more than 1,500 heterosexual men, he concluded that it's not commitment they fear but the possibility that the marriage may turn out less than perfect. Here's more:

Weisman said his online survey found there are three groups of bachelors - about 8 percent who never want to marry, 62 percent [who] want to marry but of which half won't settle for anything less than perfection, and about 30 percent who are on the fence.

As we already know, worries about having a successful marriage are not limited to men, but for anyone, is the potential of ending up in a bad marriage reason enough to avoid marrying altogether? Does this confirm for you that male commitment phobes just need the right woman to rid them of their player habits, or do you think searching for perfection is just another excuse to avoid what they fear?

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Dear Poll: What Kind Of Procrastinator Are You?

DearSugar — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 15:40:00 -0800

The list below, summarized by Bill Heavy, describes the six types of procrastinators Dr. Sapadin identifies in her book ‘Its about Time! The 6 Styles of Procrastination and How to Overcome Them’.

Dreamers:

These procrastinators desperately want life to be easy and free from pain. They retreat from the real world and live in their heads, where everything is vague, nonthreatening and cozy. They cherish the notion that they’re special, that they don’t have to play by the rules.

Worriers:

The worrier prizes security above all else and pays a steep price for it. He has a narrow comfort zone and paralyzes himself with anxiety when faced by risk or change. He suffers what Sapadin calls "anticipatory anxiety" and endless stream of "what ifs" about hypothetical situations, all with negative consequences.

Defiers:

This class of procrastinators resents authority but expresses the rebellion covertly. Ask a defier to perform a task and he’s likely to say, "sure, I’ll do that". Then he "forgets" what he promised, or delivers work that’s half-done, late or both. In relationships defiers put off meeting their partners’ needs in much the same way. This withholding stratagem gives them a sense of power, but their co-workers and lovers feel manipulated, used and betrayed.

Crisis-Makers:

Most of us do our best work under some kind of time constraint. A crisis-maker goes out of the way to create drama, going from one behavioral extreme or the other. He underreacts to a situation and then overreacts with a big shot of intense work to meet the deadline.

Perfectionists:

Basically, a perfectionist's self-esteem is on the line every time they do anything. Often they are idealists who are unrealistic in their use of time and energy. "That’s because perfectionists see everything in all-or-nothing terms," says Sapadin. "If the task they’re working on is a failure, it stands to reason that they’re failures too." Deep down, the perfectionist fears nothing so much as not measuring up.

Overdoers:

Like the perfectionist, the overdoer doesn’t seem like a procrastinator because he’s always busy. He’s a people pleaser, the guy who never says no to taking on more work. In his struggle to do it all and feel self-reliant, he has no balance of work and downtime, drudgery and fun. The personal and the professional. He also disappoints the people he wants so desperately to please because he has taken on more than he can deliver.

For each type, Dr. Sapadin offers suggestions for change and action. I've given the book to several friends, and it's a great starting point if you're ready to move past this habit.

Where there is the possibility of control in our lives, it's very healing to grab it and run with it. So, which type of procrastinator sounds like you?

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Gordon Ramsay: The Early Years

GiggleSugar — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Hell's Kitchen's Gordon Ramsay is famous for being a perfectionist and a windbag with anger management issues. This video imagines him as a child - and what a charming, foul-mouthed, abusive little child he is!

Dear Poll: Are You a Control Freak?

DearSugar — Wed, 21 May 2008 16:00:00 -0700

For me, the feeling of being out of control is one of the worst feelings in the world. I wouldn't call myself a control freak per se; I just don't like surprises! Unfortunately, some people view control freaks in a negative light- calling them power trippers and know-it-alls - but I don't consider it a personality flaw in the slightest. Control freaks get the job done, and they are perfectionists who always have their Ts crossed and their Is dotted - what's so bad about that? So ladies, where do you fall in the control department? Would you consider yourself a control freak?

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Out With The Old, In With The New

DearSugar — Tue, 29 Aug 2006 10:16:08 -0700

Dear Sugar
I recently started seeing a great guy that makes me laugh. He says and does all the right things and I am really happy right now. This is my first serious relationship and I don't want to blow it. The problem is that I have an ex-boyfriend who I've remained friends with since we broke up. We don't have sex or even kiss anymore but we go to movies and museums together.

Since I've started seeing my new boyfriend my ex has made some weird comments about how he doesn't think I belong with this guy. There's nothing wrong with the new guy and we have lots in common ... so I think my ex is just jealous.

I know I should let him go as a friend but every time I bring up that we shouldn't hang out anymore, he starts saying I've changed. He thinks that I'm just doing what my new guy wants. So, to prove him wrong I relent and we continue to hang out.

Yesterday, my ex came with my roommie and I to get coffee. While she was on a phone call outside, he held my hand and asked why we broke up in the first place. I told him that I think he's immature. He told me that I was a perfectionist and that we argued constantly and decided it was better to be friends. I know it's stupid to even still be his friend, but I'm confused and I don't know what to do.

Struggling Stephie

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Dear Struggling Stephie
Yes, your ex is jealous. He doesn't want to lose you for good and seeing as you are super happy in your new relationship now, he's decided to give it a shot and see where you stand on dating him again. That's why he was holding your hand the second you were alone together, and that's why he's trying to plant ideas into your head that you and your new man aren't the right fit.

The only reason that he called you a perfectionist is because you told him he was immature. You basically rejected him straight away. Now that he's put his feelers out there and they've been clipped off, you know where you stand in your friendship with him...and now you can also understand why it's difficult for guys and girls to be friends...someone usually gets hurt.

Be straight with him. You obviously enjoy his friendship, but as soon as your new man starts vibing him, you are going to have to make a choice. I would have a nice heart to heart and ask him if he wants to remain being friends - just friends with you.

Ask him If that's something he can handle. Also make sure he understands that being your friend means being supportive about your new relationship that you are very happy in. Give it some time and see if he's still around. If so, then you've got yourself a buddy. If not, then you know he really wants more.

As far as being confused, here's my advice. I don't think that you should give your ex another shot. Remember that he's an ex for a reason . Give it a go with the new guy that makes you laugh and that so far "says and does all the right things." Let go of your old baggage and enjoy falling in love! It's the highest of all highs.

GiggleSugar Reader Spotlight: Schaianne

GiggleSugar — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 15:00:00 -0700

It's that time again, readers. It's "get to know your fellow GiggleSugar readers" time! Meet Schaianne, Emergency/911 dispatcher by day, married step-mom and Sugar sites addict by night! (Okay, I'm exaggerating, and I don't know her shifts!!) Man, with a job like that, no wonder she needs to stop by GiggleSugar and look at cute animals and weird pics!

GS: What's your motto?
Schaianne: "Do unto others as you'd have done unto you" basically. Other than that … I'd say "Life's full of idiots – try to steer clear!" - myself NOT included, of course! LOL

GS: Where are you from?
Schaianne: Long story short : I was born in Friedburg, W Germany but live in Virginia now. I grew up an Army Brat, if that explains it. Maybe one day I can convince hubby to move, but looks like we'll be here a good long time. Ehhh, not a BAD thing, I guess.

GS: What do you do?
Schaianne: As in work related? I am an Emergency/911 dispatcher at my local sheriff's office. I have been dispatching for about 7 years total now. I routinely deal with fire departments, rescue squads, police/sheriff, game warden, animal control, jails, after-hours electric/water, Social Services, and, well, you name it. As you can imagine, the stress of this job gets to you sometimes and that's one reason I love my Sugar sites!! They provide some well needed respite from the seriousness and aggravation of my job! I'm also a part time stepmother - well, it's never JUST part-time, y'know ... she's always in my thoughts and plans even if she's not here physically. I think it's one of the hardest job ever!

GS: How would you describe your sense of humor?
Schaianne: Hmm, according to my partner here at work … lacking, haha! Seriously, strange & twisted I'd have to say. I find a lot of stuff funny that most people don't , thanks to being a dispatcher for 7.5 years – it's our defense mechanism. By the same token, though, I cringe while watching "America's Funniest Videos" and the like. People getting hurt usually just makes me think of dispatching squads to them. I'll find stuff funny at work that outside of work I wouldn't.

GS: What's your favorite GiggleSugar post?
Schaianne: Hmm, too hard to choose just one – but I like the WTF?! posts best.

GS: Who's the cutest funny man and funny woman?
Schaianne: Ummm, Michael Keaton and Brett Butler, I guess. I've never really thought of it.

GS: Who are your favorite male and female comedians?
Schaianne: (Wow, super hard questions here … so difficult to choose! There are so many great comedians out there!) Gene Wilder and Lily Tomlin are way up there, in my opinion.

GS: What's your favorite comedy of all time?
Schaianne: I love A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum. It's older, kitschy, and gasp--a musical! It's hilarious!! I have to thank Mr. Winn, my high school Latin teacher, for introducing me to it! (I don't like many of today's comedies – Napoleon Dynamite did NOTHING for me.) As for favorite comedy show, I LOVE "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" Those guys are GREAT!

GS: If your life were a comedy, what would it be?
Schaianne: Probably "Grace Under Fire."

GS: Do you look like someone famous?
Schaianne: I don't think so. No one's told me so, anyway.

Schaianne's Free For All: Well, I'm 35 years old (will be 36 in Sept!!) and I've been married 18 years. Family and God mean everything to me, which doesn't coincide with what my job demands at times. I dislike conflict but WILL cause waves if I feel no one else is going to stand up. I'm half German and therefore am very opinionated and a bit of a perfectionist! I have recently learned to say "NO" … wow, now to learn not to feel so guilty when I say that, haha! All in all, I'm pretty laid back … just don't mess with one of "mine" – then I'm a momma bear! Lastly, I LOVE to laugh. I think laughter is one of God's greatest gifts to us! One reason hubby and I have stayed married as long as we have is his ability to make me laugh … even when I don't WANT to, haha. He's the best! And, thanks for taking an interest in little, ole me.

Thanks, Schaianne!

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(Schaianne looking pensive, Gene Wilder, Brett Butler, Michael Keaton, and Lily Tomlin)