TresSugar

You Asked: Their Friendship Hurts Me

DearSugar — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 12:30:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my fiance for two years now. He is the absolute love of my life, so when he recently proposed, I didn't hesitate to say yes! Before we dated, I dated his best friend for four years. My ex and I were broken up for close to two years before my fiance and I got together, but it still ended their friendship.

They have recently started to talk and become friends again, but it's causing quite a rift in our relationship. My ex could quite possibly be the biggest jerk in the world - he was threatening, jealous, and emotionally abusive toward me, and I don't want him in my life in any way, shape, or form. My fiance, on the other hand, thinks that their friendship is separate from our relationship, but it has already affected our otherwise perfect relationship. I don't want to seem unreasonable so how should I handle this situation? - He's Causing a Rift Ritta

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Dear He's Causing a Rift Ritta,

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship is going through some turmoil right now, but I'm sure your fiance has really missed his best friend throughout the years, so I'm not all that surprised that they're trying to rebuild their relationship. Instead of letting him taint this exciting time in your life, open up to your finance and explain how you feel.

Since you can't tell him who he can and cannot be friends with, you guys are going to have to come to a middle ground. If you need closure from your ex, now is the time to get it, but if you're not ready to go back to that time in your life, ask your fiance to respect your needs and understand your position. I can see how this could cause a rift in your relationship so keep the lines of communication open and ask for whatever you need to feel comfortable about their friendship. Good luck to you.

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You Asked: Is It Normal That He Kept Pictures of His Ex?

DearSugar — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

When I broke up with my boyfriend, I was devastated. We were head over heels for each other but things just weren't working out so we ended it. At one point when I was trying to get over him, I threw away all the pictures I had of him and us, all the CDs he made me, and anything that reminded me of him. I've completely moved on and I'm actually married to someone else, but I recently found pictures of my husband's ex-girlfriend in a desk drawer. I know that everyone moves on from past relationships differently, but is it normal that he still has photos of this girl years later? I understand that she was an important person in his life, but why does he need reminders of her now that he's happily married to me? - A Little Annoyed Amber

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Dear A Little Annoyed Amber,

You're right, everyone moves on from past relationships differently, so while purging all your memories of your ex worked for you, it sounds as though your husband doesn't share the same sentiment. If these pictures make you uncomfortable, bring it to your husband's attention. Ask him why he's holding onto reminders of her, but realize that keeping old memorabilia might not have anything to do with you or your relationship. Sure, it might make you feel vulnerable, but remember that we all have pasts - the good, the bad, and the exes. Open the lines of communication around what you found and how it makes you feel, ask the questions you need answers to, and hopefully you'll be able to keep it all relative. I hope I was of some help.

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Relationship Protocol: Do You Compare Your Current Relationship to Your Past?

DearSugar — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

As far as sharing relationship histories with each other, I tend to believe that some things are better left unsaid. But just because you're not saying it, doesn't mean you're not thinking it. Considering your past relationships in contrast to your current situation can actually help to illuminate the good things you have now or the ways you've changed. On the other hand, there seems little reason to dwell on the past when you're building your new relationship in the present. So ladies, once you're in a new relationship, do you put your past out of your mind? Or do you find yourself naturally making comparisons between your current relationship and your previous ones?

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Dear Poll: Have You Ever Dated Anyone Who's Turned Out to Be Gay?

DearSugar — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 15:00:00 -0700

When we're young, most of us know very little about ourselves, let alone what we want out of our relationships and from our sexuality. So in our earliest relationships, it make sense that we're still in the process of discovering who we are, which is why I don't find it at all shocking when people mention that one of their exes later came out. Has this ever happened to you? Has someone you dated come out as gay, or straight as the case may be, after the fact?

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Do Tell: Are There Any Sexual Encounters You Regret?

DearSugar — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Sex can be a very impulsive act - I mean, that’s where some of the fun comes from - but that kind of passionate spontaneity can also lead to second-guessing later on. I’m a person who likes to believe that everything happens for a reason, and any mistake is just another lesson learned, but there are still things I regret. We can't take things back, but wouldn't it be nice if we could have a few "do-overs"? So ladies, do tell, which sexual encounters do you wish you could just delete from your permanent record?

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This or That: Long Distance or Baby on the Way?

DearSugar — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 13:00:00 -0700

You’ve met the guy of your dreams. He’s funny, smart, kind, and totally into you. After meeting through a mutual friend, you enjoy the most romantic date ever the very next night. Towards the end of the evening, when he says he really wants to pursue things with you but has something he has to tell you first, you’re immediately worried. Would it be worse if . . .

This: It turns out he’s only in town for a few weeks visiting family? He actually lives 2000 miles away with no plans of moving in the next year or two.

Or . . .

That: He’s single, but his ex is pregnant with his child? He wants to make a great dad, but that means putting his relationship second.

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You Asked: Do I Want My Ex Back?

DearSugar — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I dated someone for almost three years until he started to feel less for me. We thought we solved it, but a week later we broke up. We continued to hook up afterwards, but it didn't take long for him to date someone else. Eventually I did too, and I love my boyfriend more than anything, however I still think about my ex sometimes. We talk and see each other every once in a while. I've held onto all of his emails, cards, and gifts and whenever I go through them, I get very emotional and think I want him back. Does this mean I still want to be with him or is he just my first love that I won't ever forget about?

- Past Pleasures Paige

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Dear Past Pleasures Paige,

I don't think it's at all weird to harbor fond memories of past relationships or a specific ex, and there's nothing wrong with caring for an ex and being in love with your boyfriend, but if the longing for something else is affecting your current relationship then perhaps it's time to put the past to rest. Stop lingering through all the remnants of your old relationship and avoid hanging out with him for a while. Try to refocus your energy on the present and making new memories.

If after all this you still find yourself wanting your ex more than your boyfriend, perhaps it's time for serious reflection away from both men. Realize that in the end, it's not so much a matter of whether or not you want your ex back, but rather if you truly want to be in your current relationship. Only you can decide what's right for you, so listen to your instincts above all else.

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A Do or a Don't: Introduction of an Ex

DearSugar — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 15:00:00 -0700

While I definitely have a penchant for curiosity, I also know when to draw the line. And when it comes to a budding relationship, many things are best left in the past. It’s true that meeting a new love's ex love may satisfy my prying mind, but in the end it only leaves me wanting more or feeling inadequate. Do you agree? Or do you think getting some insight on an ex is actually a good thing? Have you had any telling experiences when introducing or being introduced to an ex?

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Relationship Protocol: A History of Cheating

DearSugar — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 12:00:00 -0700

While the majority of you may be skilled at keeping history right where it belongs, there are certainly some things from the past that once known, require a lingering thought or two, like children from a previous relationship, a traumatic incident in childhood, or cheating.

Though I don’t think the familiar catch phrase “once a cheater always a cheater” is necessarily true, if I found out that a significant other had cheated in a previous relationship then I would be concerned. But perhaps I’m just paranoid, so what do you think? If you knew he had cheated before, would it make you think differently of him? Or would it have no bearing on your current relationship?

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A Do or a Don't: Taking Relationship History into Account

DearSugar — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Though it's nice to believe that when you meet someone new you’re each starting with a clean slate, the truth of the matter is, you’re both bringing your own mix of good and bad past encounters to the table. When it comes to love, a person can't help but approach things with her own experiences in mind.

Then again, if you find yourself falling for someone, it’s only natural to give him the benefit of the doubt even if his history might tell you to run for the hills. The line between what we know and what we feel is always a difficult one to balance and never without its risks. So ladies, what are your thoughts? When we’re interested in someone, should we always take relationship history into account? Or should the past stay in the past?

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