TresSugar

Dear Poll: Did You Lie About the Weight on Your Driver's License?

DearSugar — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 16:00:00 -0700

Whether we like it or not, body image plays a role in our life. In fact, weight problems can bring out cattiness among friends and reveal our deepest insecurities, which is why it’s not uncommon to learn that so many women lie about their weight on their driver’s license. I guess we feel better when the real number isn’t staring us in the face. So is the weight on your driver’s license what the scale says it is?

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Dear Poll: Do You Care If Someone Hears You Have Sex?

DearSugar — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 16:00:00 -0700

Sex is extremely intimate, but it can also be loud, and I’m sure many of us live in close quarters with other people. No one wants to abandon a fun romp in the sack because of other people, but alerting the neighbors to your sexual habits isn’t all that fun either. Since there’s some admittedly noisy ladies out there, and because we all know that serious sex can make for a squeaky bed, let me ask: Does it bother you if other people can hear you getting it on?

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Do Tell: What Are You Paranoid About?

DearSugar — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 13:00:00 -0700

It's completely normal to be insecure from time to time, but do you ever get paranoid thoughts? If so, you're not alone. According to a recent study, paranoia is no longer a symptom of mentally ill individuals, but rather a common feeling of the general public. An unusual study that was highlighted on the mental health Web site PsychCentral, created a virtual tour of a London train ride for 200 volunteers. They wore headsets and encountered computerized avatars of people riding this train, reading the paper, and occasionally glancing at the volunteers. While most of the individuals thought the virtual avatars were friendly, 40 percent actually felt at least one paranoid thought during this tour. Sure, the people that suffered from low self-esteem were more likely to suffer from paranoid thoughts, but the study proved that worrying about what others think, or assuming the worst about strangers is more common than not.

Since having paranoid thoughts from time to time is part of what it's like to be human, tell me ladies, what are you paranoid about?

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You Asked: Why Is My Boyfriend So Paranoid?

DearSugar — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend is convinced that I am out of his league and that I'm going to run off with somebody "better" than him. The truth is he's is the sexiest, most intelligent, kind, generous human being that I know and have ever known. He treats me like a princess and he's just totally amazing. No matter how many times I tell him these things though, he doesn't seem to believe me. He worries that I'm going to leave him and that I'll get bored of him. What can I do to make his paranoia go away? It's really starting to get to me.
-Getting Annoyed Gretta

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Getting Annoyed Gretta,

Having an insecure boyfriend can't be any fun. Since he's so paranoid about you leaving him, something tells me he's either been cheated on in his past or grew up in a broken home as a result of cheating. He's clearly very sensitive so the best thing you can do is give him as much positive reinforcement as possible through your actions and your words.

Since you'll be asking him to open up to you, it's important for you to do the same. Let him know how draining it is for you to constantly have to boost his confidence and that it's starting to take a toll on your relationship. There's only so much you can do so urge him to open up and talk to you about his suspicious and paranoid behavior. His actions are most likely coming from fear so I hope you can get to the root of this problem before it's too late. Good luck to you.

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jealousy

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 03:58:58 -0800

hey so i've been with my new man 3 months now. things are going great- REALLY great, i've never been this happy

problem is, my ex was so controlling... I was used to sharing every little detail of my day, and hearing all about his. now i'm still acting this way with my new guy, worrying when he doesn't tell me every little thing he's done. this is causing issues as he's starting saying i need to stop being so paranoid. i really don't want to lose him but i don't know how to keep it simple and go with the flow. any suggestions?

Uh Oh! Counterfeit Condom Factory Discovered in China

TresSugar — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 07:00:00 -0800

Condoms might top the list of things that should never be counterfeited. Unfortunately, there may be as many as one million ineffective knock-off condoms on the market in China right now.

Four people were arrested this week at a factory allegedly producing and selling condoms that provide little to no protection against disease or pregnancy. What's worse? Authorities said they found "bare-chested" employees using vegetable oil to lubricate the condoms that they then packaged without any sterilization. Whoever came up with this fake factory sounds like they were fulfilling some sort of bizarre fantasy.

This story is scary enough to make someone outside of China paranoid. If you're freaked out, just make sure you never buy condoms labeled as "Jisson, Durex. Rough Rider, Six Sense and Love Card."

Ask a Southern Belle: Am I Paranoid or Is He Cheating on Me?

TresSugar — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. To help Sick Sommer who isn't sure if she's paranoid or if her boyfriend really is cheating on her, a Southern Belle will offer her common sense advice today. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

I have been in a relationship with this guy for three-and-a-half years. For the most part, our relationship has been pretty good. However, over the past five or six months, I have developed a fear of him cheating on me. Ironically, I never had this feeling at any earlier time in our relationship.

I have come to believe that the reason I have developed this fear is because a couple of times over the past few months, I have caught him lying to me about drinking with his guy friends and dipping (two things that he knows I don't approve of). He told me that the reason he lied about those things is because he didn't want me to be upset with him. Since he lied to me about those things, I feel like he might be lying to me about cheating.

Fortunately, he has never given me any reason to think that he is cheating, and he tells me all the time that he loves me so much and that I am the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Even though he tells me all of these sweet things, I still don't trust him and I often accuse him of going behind my back with other girls. He reassures me he would never do that and often becomes very upset that I would think he would hurt me like that. It seems like all day, every day, I constantly think about what he is doing, who he is with, etc. I have literally made myself sick from worrying so much and I am afraid it is going to cost me my health and relationship. I don't know what to do!

- Sick Sommer

To hear what advice a Southern Belle has to give, read more

Dear Sick Sommer:

Well bless your heart!

When I was a young woman, I heard a story about a little girl walking toward a bridge. She encountered a snake who asked for her help in crossing the river. The girl demurred, saying, “You are a snake; you will bite me.” The snake told a sad story about being misunderstood and promised to do no harm. The trusting girl picked up the snake and carried him across the bridge, whereupon he bit her. She cried out, “You promised you would not hurt me! Why? Why?” As the snake slithered away, he said, “You knew what I was when you picked me up.”

In light of this little tale, ask yourself a couple of questions. Have you had this fear of being cheated on with other boyfriends? If so, perhaps you are sabotaging this relationship with your accusations. Or, have you picked other guys whose bad habits you immediately tried to fix? Why, after three-and-a-half years, do you not have trust in this man?

People, as snakes, rarely change, no matter how much their partners want it. The question of trust may only be in your mind, but if you cannot trust this guy after three-and-a-half years and he is still doing things of which you do not approve, one of you might want to slither away.

Signed,

A Southern Belle

You Asked: My Dream About Him Cheating Has Me Paranoid

DearSugar — Mon, 05 May 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for a year now and things have been great. But a few months ago, I had a dream that he was cheating on me. Ever since I've kept getting these unfounded ideas in my head that he might be doing things that I don't approve of. Recently my paranoia turned into serious jealousy when I found out that there were going to be strippers at his soon-to-be brother-in-law's bachelor party.

I expressed my concern and he decided not to go even though his sister and brother-in-law were disappointed, and his parents told him that they thought I was being too controlling. Then recently, he made a joke to his brother about checking out other girls, but I still felt a little miffed and told him so - my dream kept echoing in the back of my head. He said that he would never act on it, but that he didn't think it was a big deal to notice a pretty girl.

I totally disagree with him, and find that kind of behavior very disrespectful of me and our relationship. Now he thinks that I'm overly jealous and that I don't trust him at all. I really don't want to be controlling and harsh, but I do want him to respect my feelings. I just can't get this dream out of my head! All of these issues never existed before, and now they won't go away. How can I control my jealousy and paranoia?

- Paranoid Dreamer Delia

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Paranoid Dreamer Delia,

I consider dreams more of an expression of our own anxieties and desires that hide back in the farthest reaches of our consciousness, rather than some kind of crystal ball that reveals the future. Most likely, the dream about your boyfriend has brought up a lot of insecurities that you already had but weren't able to acknowledge. Jealousy is completely natural, but when it starts to negatively affect your relationship and your emotions, it's time to take a step back.

To move past this terrible dream, I'd start focusing all of your attention on the reality of your situation. Just as your dream doesn't become real simply because you had it, your boyfriend casually glancing at a pretty woman doesn't make him capable of infidelity because you're feeling notably more paranoid than usual.

There's nothing wrong with expressing your concerns about the bachelor party, but it's important to also acknowledge that your boyfriend chose to disappoint his family in order to avoid hurting you. I think that shows a great deal of respect for your feelings and your relationship. The more you note the way the emotions around your dream are affecting your relationship and blocking you from thinking about things rationally, the easier it will be to properly react to a situation.

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Do You Think You're Emotionally Intelligent?

TresSugar — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

In some ways, this is a trick question, because if you're not emotionally intelligent - defined very broadly as someone "particularly good at establishing positive social relationships with others, and avoiding conflicts, fights, and other social altercations" - you might think you are anyway!

But October is Emotional Intelligence month, and it seemed a good time to remind people, as Emotional Intelligence author Daniel Goleman claims in his book subtitle, that "it can matter more than IQ." We've all known the brilliant boss or friend who had a horrible temper or little ability to empathize and couldn't figure out why, in the case of the boss, no one ever stuck around for long, or, in the case of the friend, people had to break up with them they were so toxic.

Some traits of emotional intelligence?

1. Having the ability to accurately perceive emotions in oneself and others.
2. Using emotions to facilitate thinking.
3. Being able to understand emotional meanings, being sensitive.
4. Being able to manage emotions.

So if you're paranoid everyone's out to get you, or that everything someone says is a perceived slight justifying angry outbursts, but nothing you say or do should bother others . . . you might need a higher EQ. (Some believe this can be worked on, others say it's inborn.)

You Asked: I'm So Paranoid

DearSugar — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I have been married for over a year. We have a sturdy relationship except that I'm very insecure about a particular ex of his. When we first got together, they were still friends and he flirted a little with her when he saw her. Since then, he's managed to practically tell me everything about her: how much she pays in rent, her car payment, and many other details that only someone very close to her would know. Every time we're out in public I can't help but notice that he constantly seems to be looking around as if he's waiting for her to walk in.

I used to not be so paranoid! What is wrong with me? This is driving me emotionally crazy. I can't talk to him about any of this because he tells me I'm acting totally irrationally. What can I do?

- Insecure Ingrid

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Insecure Ingrid,

Regardless of whether or not you're just being paranoid, the fact is that you're having a difficult time coping and that alone requires deeper digging. First of all, your husband needs to address your concerns rather than just accuse you of being irrational. Something about his relationship with his ex is negatively affecting you so much that it's damaging your relationship - it should be an easy task for him to simply stop mentioning the details about her life.

As far as what you can do on your own, try not to assume the worst - don't let paranoia turn a simple glance into something more than innocent. If you can work on toning down your suspicions, it will give you the opportunity to listen to your gut - our instincts are the most valuable tool in a relationship if we can just learn how to trust them. If you're still convinced something is going on or if your husband refuses to acknowledge your worries then I would seriously consider seeking the help of a therapist before things get out of hand. Talking it out with a professional may help to reveal specifically where your insecurities are coming from and let you see the whole picture more clearly.

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