TresSugar

Do You Face Your Pain Head On?

DearSugar — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 13:00:00 -0700

In the October issue of the UK's Harper's Bazaar, Liv Tyler opens up about her breakup with Royston Langdon. Her extremely candid interview shows the grieving side of Liv as she admits to struggling through the pain and loss of her five-year marriage. As we all know, breakups can be devastating, but Liv is being brave and facing her reality head on: "I am trying to just let myself feel it. I think you have to mourn and you have to feel that pain."

Although it's much easier to run from your problems, it won't make them go away so I applaud her for taking the high, yet heartbreaking road to her healing process. How do you typically deal with heartache? Are you of the same mind-set as Liv or do you avoid your problems at all costs in hopes that they'll just fade with time?

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Does This Reality Go Too Far?

DearSugar — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 08:00:00 -0700

My new favorite show, Intervention, is gaining popularity by the second. It's the show I can't wait to discuss with my friends the next day and even though the people depicted are troubled and in dire need of help, I'm fascinated each and every episode. Of course reality TV isn't anything new, but this documentary takes the reality to a whole other level. A recent article in The New York Times said it best: "Nothing on television matches its freaky calculus of exploitation and good will. Cameras follow the addicts as they shoot up, freebase, panhandle and score."

Though I feel a little voyeuristic watching these people inflicting such pain on themselves and their loved ones, knowing that the end of the hour will lead to a happy ending - out of 102 addicts profiled on the show, only two have declined treatment - makes me feel a whole lot less guilty. So if you're a fan like me, glued to the TV every Monday night, tell me, is Intervention taking reality TV too far or does it make you realize all that you have to appreciate in your own life?

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Sunday Confessional: I Want to Leave Her

DearSugar — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My girlfriend and I are both 24 years old and have been together for nearly four years. Two years ago we were in a terrible car accident together. I was driving at the time, when an oncoming car swerved across our lane. I walked away with chronic back problems, but my girlfriend was critically injured. She spent two weeks in the hospital, where she had multiple surgeries to fix her broken arms and legs. She did eventually recover, but she has a very bad scar that runs the entire length of her face; she looks like a different person.

At the time, I struggled with extensive amounts of guilt over what had happened to her. I did everything to be a good boyfriend while she recovered; I worked closely with her through her rehabilitation and was always there for her. Once she was doing better, we started focusing on our relationship again. We've been making it work, with ups and downs of course, but overall we've been happy. However, in the last couple months, I've found myself longing for something else.

I care about my girlfriend deeply, and I think that we'll always have a connection, but I don't love her the same way I used to. Based on a few conversations, I know that my girlfriend and our families assume that we'll marry because of what's happened. I don't want to abandon her - she still copes daily with her appearance and physical pain - and I don't want to disappoint our families, but I'm just not sure that's what I want. Can I ever be forgiven if I walk away from this relationship?

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You Asked: How Do I Get My Husband to Express His Emotions?

DearSugar — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been married for about a year and a half. When we first started dating, my now husband got a kidney transplant as a result of an accident he had some five years before. He has told me the overall story - he fell from a tree and not only suffered kidney complications but also had trauma to his back for which he's had numerous surgeries, but yesterday after I asked more details about it, he got defensive and said he doesn't like talking about it.

I just don't know how to react to that. In general, he has a really hard time talking about things that I consider important, and I guess this is only the tip of the iceberg. I have opened up to him about my own issues and feel that if he is avoiding that subject, it will just keep hurting his confidence and self-esteem (he had to drop out of college temporarily afterwards). I want to support him and love him for who he is. Am I overreacting? How do I approach this again?

- Communicator Caila

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Communicator Caila,

While opening up and expressing your feelings may come easily to you, you have to realize that it's not so natural for your husband. As frustrating as it may be for the rest of us, some people are just not comfortable vocalizing emotions that may bring up feelings of sadness or, in your husband's case, pain. Though I tend to agree that avoiding these issues will only make things worse, you can't force him to talk about something that he doesn't want to.

What your husband went through and continues to go through is traumatic. Learning to live with physical pain, as I'm sure he deals with, can take a toll on a person and requires a certain level of understanding from those around them. Thus, instead of pressing the issue, make it clear that you're ready and willing to listen when he's able to talk about it.

It's perfectly reasonable to let him know that his inability to open up to you is hurting you and making you feel cut out of his life, but know that change overnight is unlikely. This is probably something you'll both have to work through over time and with each other. Start opening up the lines of communication about smaller issues that you encounter. As he learns to express himself and trust you as a listener, he might be more inclined to delve into some of these darker memories.

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Teen Romance Is Rife With Abuse

DearSugar — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 15:00:00 -0700

A surprising and fairly depressing article from Reuters earlier this week examines two recent studies on adolescent romantic relationships in conjunction with physical and emotional abuse. Both studies, one online survey completed by Liz Claiborne Inc. and the other conducted by Christian Forke of Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, make references to the high rates of violence in preteen and teen relationships.

Clairborne's study makes a strong connection between abuse and early sexual activity, while Forke's findings iterate that emotional abuse can lead to other kinds of abuse later on. As noted in the article:

Forke found emotional violence - which includes verbal abuse and subjecting a partner to controlling behavior and put-downs - was the most common type of violence at all ages, especially before college. Forke surveyed students at three urban colleges and found nearly 45 percent had experienced relationship violence before or during college.

Abuse is never OK, but when coupled with youth and love, I imagine it can be especially damaging, specifically in regards to future relationships. While I certainly hope none of us experienced abuse as teenagers in love, I wonder: Did your early relationships affect your future or current relationships? Were your youthful love affairs positive or negative experiences?

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Relationship Protocol: Have You Ever Accidentally Injured Each Other?

DearSugar — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 16:00:00 -0700

When you're a kid, getting hurt is inevitable; you run, jump, fight with your siblings and wrestle with your friends. As adults, our play is usually more relaxing and less agressive, but I'm sure most of us still engage in some roughhousing with our significant others every now and again.

Just like our parents warned us as children, as soon as people get rowdy someone's likely to get hurt. And the physically closer you are to someone, the more chances you'll have of accidentally injuring them. To me, the only thing worse than hurting myself is inadvertently hurting someone else, so tell me, have you or your significant other mistakenly injured the other when goofing around?

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You Asked: Where Did This Come From?

DearSugar — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Just today my boyfriend broke up with me out of left field and he won't even tell me why. I didn't do anything wrong apart from love him and care for him. I don't know what to do. He won't return any of my calls or answer any of my text messages. We were fine two days ago and now this. Please tell me what I can do! I'm really hurting right now and feel so lost. - Stunned Sadie

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Stunned Sadie,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're hurting right now. Breaking up is hard, but it's even harder when you don't have the answers you so desperately want. Since he's gone radio silent, the only thing you can do is wait. I know that's not the answer you want to hear, but it's really the only one I can offer. Pestering him and clogging his voicemail or text inbox won't make things better, but if you feel like you just have to get some things off your chest, I suggest typing him an email or writing him a letter explaining how you feel. Once you've done that though, don't make any more attempts to contact him - let that be the closure you give yourself until he's ready to talk.

We could sit here all day and speculate where this suddenly came from, and as cliche as this may sound, only time will tell. Since you say you've only loved and supported him, something tells me this is an issue that has more to do with him than you, but again, I'm only speculating. While you wait for more to be revealed, try to lean on your friends and family for support. Do all the things that have been on your to-do list and keep yourself busy. I can only imagine how hard this must be for sure, so please treat yourself well. Good luck.

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Group Therapy: The Big O or The Big Ow!?

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 03:00:00 -0800

This is a tad embarrassing, but everyone here is always so open and helpful, I thought I'd give it a shot and ask.

When I'm with my guy, he does everything in his power to make me orgasm - there is nothing this man won't do to please me, however when I get close to the brink of wonderfulness, it starts to hurt and I have to tell him to stop. It's not a mind-numbing pain, but it's pretty uncomfortable. We use lubrication and this only happens during manual stimulation (the only way I can have an orgasm). How can I get this to stop so that I can orgasm without saying ouch?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Dental Anxiety: You're Not Alone

DearSugar — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 16:00:00 -0700

Who likes going to the dentist? I don't like going whatsoever, and I even asked my dentist if she likes to go and she admitted that it's not always fun, but it is necessary. So we force ourselves to go, but many of us may not like it one bit.

Some people on the other hand have such severe fears and anxieties about going to the dentist, that they won't even go. Here are some common reasons people won't go to the dentist:

Fear of pain.

Fear of needles.
Fear of the Novocaine and going numb.
Fear of NOT going numb - what if the Novocaine doesn't work?
They're worried about what may or may not happen - fear of the unknown.
Fear of the drill and things near their mouth and brain.
The scraping and drilling sound.
Bad past experiences.
They're worried about receiving bad news.
They're embarrassed or ashamed of their teeth and worried the dentist will make fun of them.
Fear of gagging, choking, or throwing up.
Fear of panicking or crying.
The cost. Even with dental insurance, the bill can be excruciatingly high.

If these sound familiar, you're not alone. Many people suffer from dental phobia or dental anxiety so much that they refuse to step foot in an office. This can be detrimental to a person's pearly whites. Want to know how to get over your fears? Then read more

If you are paralyzed by the mere thought of going to the dentist, there are a number of things you can do.

Identify what your specific fears are and try not to dwell on them. Then you and your dentist can figure out ways to deal with them.
Find a caring and compassionate dentist that makes you feel comfortable. Explain all your fears and map out what your perfect dental visit would be like. Get recommendations from friends or co-workers for dentists they like.
Some dentists may recommend that you take anti-anxiety medicine (like Xanax) the night and or a few hours before your visit. It will help you to feel calm and relaxed.
Your dentist may also recommend Nitrous Oxide. It's a gas you inhale that puts you in a state of ultimate relaxation and contentment. Just like with the anti-anxiety meds, this method won't do anything for pain, so if you need to be drilled, you'll still need to get a shot of Novocaine, but you may feel less anxious about it.
Another option is IV Sedation. You basically get anti-anxiety drugs administered into the bloodstream. You'll remain conscious and be able to understand and respond to requests from your dentist, but you may not remember much of what happened while you were in the chair. Time will feel like it passes quickly, almost like you were asleep.
If you are literally crippled by the anxiety, you may be a candidate for General Anesthesia.

Being fearful of dental visits is not at all uncommon, but at some point you will need to face your fears. You can't go through your life not seeing a dentist, and the longer you put it off, the more problems you can have. I hope these ideas help.

Source

Group Therapy: Having trouble getting over it.

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 14:00:00 -0700

This really attractive guy pursued me for a good 2 months before I agreed to go on a date with him. As we began to date I knew I was having a really great time with him but was holding myself back because I was afraid to like him. After a month and half into dating, I finally accepted the fact that I did like this guy and began to let my gaurd down. That's when he began to retreat. Sure enough, after 3 months of dating he called it quits.

I was pretty shaken up. I had tried to protect myself from being hurt and apparently didn't entrust my heart to the right person....again. So here it is 4 weeks later and I'm still upset. I'm having a hard time dealing with the rejection. I don't know what happened, or how it happend. One day things were great and the next they weren't. I'm usually fine during the day, but at night I get upset all over again and just wish he'd call me or come back.

Any advice on how to deal?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]