TresSugar

Hump Day: Where's My G-Spot?

TresSugar — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I have decent enough sex with my boyfriend, but I don't always have an orgasm. I've heard that if my G-spot is stimulated, not only will I have a better chance of having an orgasm, but that it will be more intense. Is this true? Where is the G-spot?"

To hear Dr. Glickman's answer, read more.

Let’s start with a little anatomy.

The G-spot is a relatively small patch of tissue that you can find by inserting a finger into the vagina and curving towards the belly button (upwards if you’re on your back). Many women report that the G-spot is much easier to find if they’re already turned on because it engorges with blood. In fact, some women and their partners find that the G-spot can go from impossible to find to quite prominent during arousal. So start off with something that definitely works for you and then try adding G-spot explorations.

The G-spot surrounds the urethra and some folks find that stimulating it can feel sort of like needing to go to the bathroom. You may find it helpful to go to the bathroom before starting out so that you’ll know that your bladder is empty. Also, some women have discovered that G-spot play can result in female ejaculation. While scientists disagree about female ejaculation, we do know that it’s not urine and is chemically similar to men’s prostatic fluid. This makes sense, since the G-spot and the prostate are quite similar. If you’re concerned about it, put a towel down first so you can relax and enjoy the ride.

As far as whether G-spot play will rock your world or not, I can’t make any promises. Some women adore it and would never choose to have sex without it. Others find it uncomfortable or say that it just doesn’t do anything for them. As always when it comes to sex, your mileage may vary so don’t get stressed out if it doesn’t do much for you.

OK, so how do you actually do G-spot play? First, it may be easier if your boyfriend is the one wielding the fingers. It can be a bit awkward to try to reach it yourself. Some popular techniques include the “come-here” motion, making circles, tapping, stroking, or the “windshield wiper” movement. It may also be more fun if he’s pleasuring your clitoris at the same time, perhaps with his other hand or his mouth. Or you could use a hand or a vibrator on your clit.

If you want to use a toy for the G-spot, try something with a curve or a prominent head since those shapes makes it easier to hit the spot. Here are a few popular ones. Or you might enjoy one of the ”Rabbit” style vibrators.

For more detailed information about the G-spot, I’m a big fan of the DVD The Expert Guide to the G-Spot as well as the book Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot.

If you’re looking for ways to increase your chances of having an orgasm during intercourse, you might find that some G-spot fun as a warm-up improves your odds. Even if G-spot play doesn’t result in an orgasm for you, if it increases your pleasure and arousal, that will probably make it easier to have an orgasm when doing something else. Or you could have a G-spot orgasm before having intercourse, if that works better for you. You could also see if using a vibrator or your fingers on your clitoris during sex does the trick. After all, 70 percent of women report that they need some clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, so you’d be in good company.

Hump Day: I'm Self-Conscious About Receiving Oral Sex

TresSugar — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Today's Question:

"I'm very self-conscious about my body, and that extends to receiving oral sex. I like to give blow jobs to my boyfriend, but I worry about smelling and tasting good so I rarely let him reciprocate. I wonder if I never get satisfaction when I let him go downtown (he has to practically beg!) because I can't relax enough to enjoy it. Any advice?"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more

First off, the vagina is self-cleaning, as long as it's healthy. I mention that because I want to make sure that it's very clear that all of the myths about the vagina being dirty have more to do with sexism and sex-negativity than anything else. That was a bit different in the past, when women's medical needs weren't really addressed and things like yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis went untreated. At the same time, if you ever suspect that your scent has changed, that can be a sign of these or other conditions and it's worth getting checked out by a medical professional.

But assuming that there isn't anything like that going on for you, you definitely have my sympathies. Worries about our bodies and how our partners perceive us is a serious mood-killer. And the irony is that our partners often either don't mind or actively admire exactly those parts of our bodies that we're worrying about!

From what you've written, it sounds like your boyfriend has no problem going down on you. After all, if he's begging for it, it's probably something that he's into. How does he describe your scent or taste? If he's just as enthusiastic about that, maybe that can help you reframe how you feel about it. As the saying goes, we each have our own tastes (sorry for the bad pun, but I couldn't resist).

Try taking a shower before having sex. If you do it together, then it becomes part of the warm-up instead of a chore. While it may not be strictly necessary, if it helps you relax, there's no reason not to. Just don't overdo it with the soap. The vulva (the exterior female sex organs) is covered with sensitive skin and some women find that washing too much can be irritating. And don't get soap inside the vagina - it can be irritating or even set off a yeast infection if you're sensitive.

It might also help if the two of you approach oral sex as a pleasure in itself, rather than worrying about whether you'll have an orgasm from it. Set the bar a little lower for a while and aim for discovering ways that it can feel good for you, even if you don't have an orgasm. Make it a science experiment and have him try different techniques so you can discover how they feel. One great way to do that is for him to do two different things, such as sucking your clitoris or making circles with his tongue for a little bit. Then you decide whether you liked A or B more. It's a fun way to explore new sensations and keep your focus on what you're feeling, rather than worrying about your scent. If he needs some ideas for things to try, Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Oral Sex is a great DVD on the topic. Or check out Violet Blue's book Ultimate Guide To Cunnilingus for a fun read.

It could also be helpful if you ask your boyfriend for some positive reinforcement afterwards. After all, you're moving into an edge of your comfort zone and you deserve some hugs for that. When you're ready to move on from the oral experimentation, you'll probably feel better about it if he tells you how much he enjoyed it and that he's glad that the two of you are trying it out. If he goes too far and starts seeming pushy about it, that could backfire, so a light touch is better. But that's a really good way to make sure that you end on a positive note.

I hope that this helps. I know that it can be really hard when exploring out things that feel uncomfortable. It's a good idea to stretch enough to give it a serious try without going so far that it's too much. Take it slowly and remember - you want it to be fun!

Would You Show Your O-Face For an Alt-Porn Website?

TresSugar — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 13:00:00 -0700

Years ago, I was approached by a filmmaker who asked if I wanted to participate in a documentary he was doing about (get ready for it!) what people's faces look like when they're having an orgasm. "You can either be alone while I film you," he told me as I looked increasingly wary, "or you can bring your girlfriend or boyfriend in to 'help' you. It will just be me and the camera."

It was, alas, an offer I could refuse. But the idea of capturing someone's face at the moment of orgasm hasn't gone away. Beautiful Agony is an alternative-porn site that recently hit its five-year anniversary. "Sexy doesn't need to be obscene" is one of its philosophies, and what started as an experiment has turned into a full-on website "dedicated to the beauty of human orgasm."

There's no nudity (only video footage of heads and shoulders) and most of the videos are accompanied by a "confessional" interview where the O-face contributor talks about masturbation, sexuality and sexual secrets. Is this something you'd be interested in participating in?

The Slow-Sex Movement: An Introduction

TresSugar — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 11:15:00 -0700

You may have heard of the slow-food movement that started in Italy to counteract the rise of fast food, promote locally grown produce, and encourage meals made and eaten with care. A similar movement is taking hold in the sexual arena: the slow-sex movement. It borrows ideas from many Eastern practices like Tantra and Buddhist mindfulness but with a modern twist.

No, the slow-sex movement doesn't advocate having sex very, very slowly (although that could be one method of engaging in it!). Rather, it seeks to remind people in a pornified world, where the pressure for an ideal body or the "right way" to have sex, has taken them away from the foundation of sex: connection (with your partner and your own body), intimacy, and pleasure. (Based on some of your responses to our recent posts on orgasms - sexual pleasure can be particularly difficult for women.)

I recently had the opportunity to sit down and talk to one of the most vibrant (and controversial) voices of the slow-sex movement - Nicole Daedone, who runs OneTaste, an urban retreat center in San Francisco. (There's also a branch in New York City.) At OneTaste, women and men can learn about mindful sexuality through classes, lectures, or living at the center. The New York Times describes it as a "co-ed live-in commune dedicated to the female orgasm." Residents engage in morning "OMing" sessions in which women - naked from the waist down - lie in curtained rooms while fully clothed men stroke them to orgasm.

These mindful sex "research partners" and their practices could be easily laughed at or dismissed, but put your preconceptions aside and read the series of interviews with Nicole I will post in the next few days. I can't wait to hear what you think of it all!

Hump Day: How Do I Know If My Orgasm Is . . . Right?

TresSugar — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 10:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's new sex advice column! Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

For years I thought I hadn't had an orgasm because I expected it to be similar to a man's. I also expected that when I did eventually have one I wouldn't question whether or not that was it because it would be so great/pleasurable that there would be no doubt whether it had happened. My biggest obstacle to get over is that I stop either myself or my partner too soon because it becomes too uncomfortable/sensitive and I just don't like it. Any advice would be appreciated. To find out what Dr. Glickman's advice is, read more.

Dr. Glickman's response:

Many women have had similar experiences, so I’m glad that you asked the question. There are many elements to sexual pleasure and each person is different. As a result, there are lots of women whose sexual responses don’t do what they may expect, especially if they’re comparing their experiences with men’s orgasms.

Quite a few women find that sexual stimulation, especially clitoral stimulation, can become too intense. They often report that changing what they’re doing can keep the fun going without overdoing it. Think of it like switching from eating something spicy to something a bit milder to give your body a chance to catch up. That’s a useful comparison because many people tend to think that stronger sensations are always better, but it’s not always the case. Some people like spicy food and others don’t. So if you find that slow and steady gets you there, go for it!

Figuring out what works for you can be a bit easier with some solo exploration since it takes the pressure of a partner’s expectations out of the picture. If you’re looking for ideas, I really like Sadie Allison’s book Tickle Your Fancy because she offers lots of tips in a fun and friendly format. She also talks about using toys, lubricants, and fantasies so you’ll have plenty of options.

If you want to explore things with a partner, you might find it helpful to explain that your body can get overstimulated and you need to change things up every so often. That’s when it can be helpful to be able to describe what you like since your partner won’t be able to always guess when you need things to be a bit different or what you’d like to do.

While feeling overstimulated is certainly one piece of the puzzle, I think it’s important to recognize that there are many women who haven’t had orgasms for a number of reasons. Becoming Orgasmic is an excellent book that’s designed to help women figure out what their particular barriers are and how to overcome them. Women who have experienced orgasm but who’d like to have them more consistently or more easily can also get a lot out of this friendly step-by-step guide.

Got more questions for Dr. Glickman on Hump Day? Send 'em to TrèsSugar!

Sex-Ed Pamphlets: An Orgasm a Day Keeps Doctor Away

TresSugar — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0700

Sex ed in the UK isn't all about STDs and birth control. A leaflet being handed out in schools by Britain's National Health Service hopes to educate students on the pleasures of sex.

With the slogan "an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away," the material reads:

Health promotion experts advocate five portions of fruit and veg a day and 30 minutes physical activity three times a week. What about sex or masturbation twice a week?

One of the officials behind the leaflet says that instead of encouraging teen sex, the message could prompt youth to delay having sex until they're sure they will enjoy it. Maybe with the failure of a teen pregnancy prevention program that actually increased the risk of pregnancy, Britain is ready to try just about anything when it comes to sex ed.

While encouraging daily sex might be a little extreme, I find the positive attitude toward sex refreshing and I hope it will encourage responsible and fulfilling practices among teens. What do you make of it?

Losing Your Orgasm Virginity

TresSugar — Thu, 28 May 2009 08:30:00 -0700

Thanks to the new book Thanks For Coming: One Young Woman's Quest For An Orgasm, the topic of the elusive female orgasm is back in the news. Maura Altman, the author of the book, lost her virginity at 17, but didn't lose her orgasm virginity until 26, when she finally decided to buy a vibrator.

The 377-page overshare inspired a lady writer over at the Daily Beast to one-up Maura by sharing that she didn't have her first orgasm until the age of 30 - so, ha!

Both these women experienced a gap between when they lost their virginity and when they reached climax because they had an aversion to masturbation. Once they got over it, newly purchased vibrators almost instantaneously took their orgasm virginities.

When did you lose your orgasm virginity? Anyone out there still waiting?

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Dear Poll: Are You Able to Have Multiple Orgasms?

DearSugar — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 13:30:00 -0700

Let's face it, reaching the big O isn't easy for everyone, which is why it's so unfair that many women have been known to have more than one during a single sexual escapade! Something tells me it's not all that common though, so let's vote - are you able to have multiple orgasms?

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During an Orgasm, a Woman's Body . . .

DearSugar — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 09:00:00 -0700

We have sex to feel connected to our partners and to express our love, but for most of us, the main reason we're getting it on is for the amazing rush of pleasure we feel once we reach orgasm. It's an indescribable feeling of bliss, but have you ever wondered what happens to your body physically when you climax? If so, then keep reading.

Once a woman becomes sexually aroused, her heart begins to beat quicker, she breathes faster and she'll tighten various muscles all over her body. Her breasts will enlarge slightly and her nipples will become erect. Some women's faces, necks, or chests will become flushed (a sex flush) and her clitoris enlarges.
She'll notice that her vagina creates a natural lubricant which makes sex smoother and more enjoyable.
Her labia will flatten out and open up and the inside of her vagina will lengthen and widen (preparing for you know what). All this happens because blood rushes to the pelvic area, which is called engorgement, and creates a pleasurably warm sensation in that area (I'm sure you've felt it!).

We're just getting started, so to find out what happens next, read more.

As arousal continues, everything becomes even more enlarged and all the changes mentioned above become more pronounced, yet the woman's clitoris actually retracts under the hood and gets 50 percent shorter right before she climaxes.
When the woman reaches orgasm, her skin will flush and muscles all over her body will continue to contract. Blood pressure, heart rate, and breathing rates will continue to rise.
In the vagina itself, she'll feel rhythmic contractions in the outer part of the vagina, in her uterus, and anus. The muscle contractions actually have a purpose - they help to suck semen higher up into the vagina, making it easier for sperm to swim to your egg and help you get pregnant. These intense pulses happen about once every second. Mild orgasms have three to five pulses, and intense orgasms have 10 to 15!
The uterus, labia, and clitoris then return to their normal size, and the woman feels extreme muscle relaxation. At this point, some women may be able to respond to further stimulation so they can have additional orgasms.

So ladies, did you learn something new?

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5 Tips For More Satisfying Masturbation

DearSugar — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 09:00:00 -0700

OK ladies, you might want to bookmark this one and save it for when you're in the privacy of your own home!

With that said, I know not all of you are in relationships, and even if you are, there may come a time when you need to, um, satisfy your urges. Like I've said before, I don't think there's anything wrong with masturbation, but I realized that I've never really talked about it in much detail. I've given you tips for enhancing your sex life with a partner, so here are some tips for reaching the big "O" on your own. Learning how to orgasm alone is not only pleasurable and a great way to relieve stress, but it can also help you figure out how to have an orgasm when you're intimate with someone else. If reading these tips makes you blush, it may make you feel better to know I was blushing too while writing them!

To hear my tips, read more.

Set the mood the way you like it. Dim the lights, turn on some calming music, light some scented candles, and make sure you're not in any rush.
Have a variety of sex toys on hand. They come in many shapes, sizes, speeds, and materials, so not only is it fun to try them all out to see which kind you like best, it's also nice to have an array in your nightstand drawer, you know, since variety is the spice of life!
Play around with temperature. Keep a glass of ice water on your nightstand and periodically dip your fingers in it, or cool off your sex toy in the fridge. Heat is also an arousing sensation, so use some warming lubricant, or place your hand on a heating pad for a couple minutes.
Water isn't so great for intercourse, but it can be outstanding when you're alone. In the shower, you can use an extendable shower head that has a variety of speeds, or if you have access to a hot tub, point the jets in your direction!
Find your G-spot. If you're not sure where it is, ~~Mapquest it~~ here's a diagram. Some women experience orgasms like they've never had before by stimulating this area inside them.

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