TresSugar

Study Suggests Opposites Don't Attract

DearSugar — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 10:00:00 -0700

Opposites attract, right? Paula Abdul said so, but as it turns out, she may need to rewrite that song! A new study shows that when it comes to finding a long-term partner, people look for others who share similar characteristics.

In the study, 760 people were asked if they preferred someone who complemented them or someone who resembled them, and you guessed it - they wanted to be with someone who was more like them. These findings supported a previous study that showed sharing a similar personality was more important than sharing similar attitudes about religion. So although you may be attracted to someone who's different, it often times doesn't develop into a serious relationship. Have you found this to be true?

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You Asked: My Boyfriend and I Are Opposites; Should We Break Up?

DearSugar — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been having some issues for a few years now. He is not attentive, he is an extreme control freak, and he is very judgmental. I am the complete opposite. I do anything to see people happy, I don't like to feel controlled, and I am the least judgmental person you'll ever meet. This is obviously tearing us apart - we argue five out of seven days of the week.

Recently, I have become increasingly interested in my co-worker. He is amazing, sweet, caring, attentive and funny. He has told me multiple times that he really likes me and would love to take me to dinner. He respects that I have a boyfriend and that I denied his dinner proposal, but in the back of my mind I really want to take him up on his offer. I love my boyfriend, but I am not in love with him at all anymore and I really think that this man can show me the world. What should I do? - Stuck Sophie

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Stuck Sophie,

It sounds as though you're mentally checked out of your current relationship, and with good reason, he sounds like an unhealthy partner for you. I'm glad to hear that you haven't accepted your co-worker's advances while in a relationship with someone else, but the fact that you want to is just another indicator that it's time to end things with your boyfriend. Though opposites can attract, it doesn't sound like he is bringing anything positive to the table.

Once you sever ties and grieve your relationship, explore the possibility with this other man, but in the meantime, I don't see why you can't deepen the friendship you're developing. Breaking up is never easy and I know how tough of a position you're in, so the best advice I can give you is to follow your heart and gut instincts. Good luck to you.

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Group Therapy: Engaged and in love. With another man?

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 10:00:00 -0700

So. As it goes I was in a relationship with another man I was head over heals for when I met my fiance. We (the first man and I) were two peas in a pod, we both wore many hats, but always seemed to have a matching pair. He was the guy I could totally be myself with. I could be athletic, cowgirl, biker, bookworm, adventurer, gardener, carpenter, chef... We shared a love for life and adventure I have not found anywhere else. We could do it all together and have nothing but smiles! When I met my fiance I asked this first guy is he was interested in being an official couple, or if I met someone should I persue that? He said he was not in a position to be in a relationship, that between his job and his starting company he didn't have time... So I persued this other man - or at least allowed a relationship to progress. We fell quickly in love. He was everything I never wanted to date. He was younger than me, in the military, we are complete opposites. But it seemed to go smoothly and I was blown away with emotion and love. Now that the dust has settled, as many of my friends said it would, I realize we are so SO different and rather incompatible in too many ways... And engaged to be married this coming spring!

I keep thinking about the guy that I left in the dust. The more things my fiance and I face together the more our differences are showing - and pushing us apart. I am a very positive person, he always believes the worst. I like to go for a drive and see what we find, he wants a schedule and gets annoyed if we don't keep to it. I am usually late, he is 15 minutes early and my tardiness drove him so crazy that I am no longer late (yes THIS is a good thing I know). He needs a big breakfast, I don't eat till noon. I'm a night owl, he needs 8 hours. I like to spend time with friends, he would rather stay home. I am a very social person, I have a lot of friends and wish I could see them all more. He has a few close friends that he talks to every now and then, and would rather not go to any of my social events. I wear jeans with holes in them, he will throw out a piece of clothing for a stain so small I can barely see it. I save everything, he throws everything away. I have more patience than most people, he has a one inch fuse. I watch soap operas, he watches CNN. I like a good bottle of wine, cosmos with friends or beer at a backyard BBQ he doesn't drink, then watches what I drink. I'm all for differences, but we have so little in common. We have very different ideas about what is a good day, what is a fun time, what is relaxing... We are like Dharma and Greg!!

I feel like things keep popping up reminding me of the man I left behind. It seems like everywhere I look there is something that reminds me how easy life was with the last guy. Who by the way was much more distraught when I told him I was engaged than I expected him to be. But I told him last November. Now it is August and still he permeates my mind and heart. I fell in love with my fiance for a lot of reasons, but they don't seem to be enough to keep us smiling together now. What should I do???? HELP HELP HELP! Wedding on the way!!!! And I can't picture it anymore!!! I can't help but think Dharma and Greg only work on TV. Not working so well here...

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

Are You Attracted to Your Opposite?

TresSugar — Tue, 26 May 2009 14:43:59 -0700

You might scratch your head when you pass a beauty with a geek (or Paula Abdul with that cartoon cat), but genetics can help to explain the mismatched pairing.

A new study claims that people are subconsciously drawn to partners whose DNA is different from their own. Why? The diversification is most likely an evolutionary strategy; offspring tend to turn out better when there's a greater variety of DNA to choose from. In the case of a beauty and a geek, their kid would have a better chance of being hot and smart. (One can only imagine how cute Marilyn and Joe's children would have been!)

While scientists maintain that opposite genes are good for reproduction, untrained people have long claimed that two opposites can complement each other in a relationship. Everyone wins, for example, when one partner loves to cook, while the other one gets pleasure out of doing the dishes.

Are you attracted to your opposite? Have you ever been a Republican dating a Democrat, a slob dating a clean freak, a jock dating an unathletic partner, or an atheist dating a believer? Do certain "opposite" characteristics cross the line into deal-breaker territory?

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Dear Poll: Do You Believe That Opposites Attract?

DearSugar — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 16:00:00 -0700

I’m sure we’ve all heard that opposites attract adage. It's true that I’ve seen my share of people come together who seem like polar opposites, but for the most part, people seem to be attracted to people they can talk to about similar interests and experiences. I may not find this particular dating rule of thumb true, but do you?

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Dear Poll: Are You More Similar or Different From Your Crush?

DearSugar — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 13:00:00 -0800

We've heard it before, opposites attract. But most relationships begin because both people had a lot in common. So which is it? I wish I knew! I don't think there is any right way; it all depends on your style so which way do you lean?

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What Is Most Attractive About The Opposite Sex?

DearSugar — Wed, 03 Jan 2007 16:15:52 -0800

I know what you are going to say. You can't choose just one body part or trait, it's the whole package, but I beg to differ. The thing that most stands out when I look at a cute boy or girl is their eyes.

Since eyes are the windows to the soul, I get a great reading from a person by looking directly at him or her. Do you ever notice that someone's eyes can actually smile at you, warm your heart or completely turn you off? What do you find most attractive about the opposite sex?

More Kids Are Coming Out in Middle School

TresSugar — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 14:00:00 -0700

The middle-school version of ourselves probably had a blurry idea of the adults we would become, but some kids are proving that we knew a lot more about our identities than we thought. With no doubt about who they are attracted to, more and more kids are coming out as gay or bisexual before they make it to high school.

An article in this weekend's New York Times Magazine examines the trend and reveals that many of these kid are coming out before they've ever dated or kissed anyone of either sex. They just know they don't want to date the opposite sex.

The piece profiles Austin, a gay 13-year-old from Oklahoma. To hear what Austin thinks about tweens and teens coming out and the reactions they get, read more.

Austin's experience went something like this:

Austin doesn’t have to play "the pretend game," as he calls it, anymore. At his middle school, he has come out to his close friends, who have been supportive. A few of his female friends responded that they were bisexual. "Half the girls I know are bisexual,” he said. He hadn’t planned on coming out to his mom yet, but she found out a week before the dance. “I told my cousin, my cousin told this other girl, she told her mother, her mother told my mom and then my mom told me," Austin explained. "The only person who really has a problem with it is my older sister, who keeps saying: 'It’s just a phase! It’s just a phase!'"

"It's just a phase" is probably a common reaction to the idea of middle schoolers coming out. But since we would never question a heterosexual adolescent who announces that he or she likes the opposite sex, should we question those who say they're attracted to the same sex? What do you make of all this?

It's Complicated: How Women Determine Facial Attractiveness

TresSugar — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 14:00:00 -0700

It's no surprise that how women determine facial attractiveness is complicated. Unlike many men who may give a woman's body a once-over, and then look at her face, deeming her attractive or unattractive, women, when checking out a man's face, tend to evaluate it on two levels, according to a study that was just published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.

The first level women use to evaluate men's faces is sexual: they zero in on features like the jawbone, cheekbones, and lips. Then, they look at the entire face for how pleasing the overall aesthetics of the face are.

Researchers set out to prove this dual-process theory by asking two groups of 50 heterosexual women to look at pictures of men's and women's faces.

The first group was given pictures of men and women and told that some of them would be hypothetical dates (sexual) and others hypothetical lab partners (aesthetic). They rated them as attractive accordingly.

For the second group of straight women, they were given the same images, but the faces were split in two with the upper and lower halves shifted in opposite directions. Even with the opportunity to view female faces sexually (that is, feature by feature), the women still rated the attractiveness of female faces aesthetically, and their ratings correlated with the hypothetical lab partner ratings of the first group. When images of men's faces were split in two, however, their rating's correlated with the hypothetical date of the first group, that is, sexually.

The next stop for researchers? Figuring out how cultural differences and hormones play a role in the mechanics of female sexual attraction.

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Meet Matchmaker Amy Andersen, Part II

TresSugar — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 09:10:00 -0700

Yesterday I shared part one of my interview with Amy Andersen, a high-end matchmaker who works with 800 successful singles. Amy tries to bring together young professionals who are interested in finding like-minded, quality matches - all for a price, of course; specifically, her rate is $6,000 for eight matches. In today's installment, Amy talks about modern dating and traditional gender roles.

Is traditional dating on the way to becoming obsolete thanks to the more casual hookup?

Amy Andersen: I think the causal hookup is fine when you are in your early to mid-20s, but for anyone who has chosen a career path that is more rooted in academia and a solid professional track, they crave dating through a more traditional and old world experience.

To be honest, tons of women get sick of guys who are forgetful or, frankly, who have become terribly spoiled and too lazy to show their dates what it means to be a gentleman. My clients are absolutely relieved to hear that this network adheres to a very old world approach, one with manners and chivalry. For the men, this means opening doors, being complimentary to their dates, not expecting that they will come upstairs for a quickie at the end of the night, instead looking forward to a kiss on the cheek. For our female clients, this means allowing oneself to embrace their femininity, take a deep breath, relax, allow the man to "be the man" and the woman to "be a woman."

To find out if all of Amy's clients are into this approach, and to see what exactly Amy means by "being a woman," read more.

Are all your clients into this approach?

AA: We find that it is a common misconception that a woman who is high-powered, extremely well educated, and attractive cannot accentuate her femininity on a date or in life without undermining her business acumen and strengths. Instead both can balance one another and be complementary, not the opposite. Another great reason why it is so fabulous to be a woman!

What does it mean exactly for a man to be a man?

AA: For a man to be a man, it means taking the lead when dating. It means allowing him to be a gentleman and not "castrating" him because he is trying to be chivalrous. It means allowing him to open the doors, walk on the outside of the street, to suggest a wine he likes at dinner that he thinks his date will like, to let him feel special on the date. Men want to feel useful and that they will be a provider for their ultimate mate, so sometimes when women are so used to be overly independent, men will wonder, "Where do I fit into this picture?"

And what does it mean for a woman to be a woman?

AA: Although she might be in control in every aspect of her life, it means being gracious, ladylike, exuding her femininity, and not taking the reins on the date as she might be used to in her work life. It means talking about things other than work, it means flirting, being silly at times, and not being so serious. It means putting on a skirt or dress, wearing a little lip gloss, and being thankful for being a woman. I’m not suggesting that a woman should be submissive or not use her mind; it is quite the opposite. Our guys in Linx crave cerebral and opinionated women, but she should let her date feel that he is worthy and attractive.

What do you make of Amy's thoughts on gender roles? Stay tuned to find out what Amy has to say about her female clients and the best way to meet a guy.