TresSugar

You Asked: Should I Continue to Pursue Him?

DearSugar — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 12:30:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've known this guy for about three months now and in the beginning of our quasi relationship, he was really sweet and attentive - I could really feel that he liked me. But since then, he's been really hot and cold. One day he acts like he really cares about me, but then the next couple of days he's less responsive and it feels like he's completely lost interest. I've tried talking to him about the way I feel but he just reassures me that nothing is wrong. I don't know if I should let him go or keep trying to make things better. What should my next move be? - Trying to Make it Work Talia

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Dear Trying to Make it Work Talia,

Being in limbo while in a relationship is never a comforting feeling, and since he claims that everything is alright between you two, you're going to have to trust your female intuition on this one. If you don't think he's committed, or even all that interested, you need to decide if what he's able to give you is enough to make you happy, but before making a decision one way or the other, I suggesting having another heart to heart with him.

If he's still not forthcoming with his feelings, and if you continue to feel unsure, I'd say it's time to move on. If he opens up to you and expresses his feelings, give it a little more time - he might just want to take things slow. Whatever you do Talia, make sure you're not selling yourself short.

Source

Do Tell: Are You Turned Off When He's Interested?

DearSugar — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 07:00:00 -0700

It's a fairly common dating affliction; to be turned off when someone shows their interest in you. I suffered from it back in high school, but I know many people who continuously struggle to stay intrigued once they've caught the object of their affection's attention. Of course being pursued feels great, but what I don't think people understand is that the feeling of being desired doesn't necessarily go away because you've made a connection with someone. So do you suffer from this frustrating dating pattern, or does having someone interested in you make you actually like them even more?

Source

You Asked: Should I Give Up Already?

DearSugar — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I met a new girl through my job - she orders supplies through our company. Initially she did all of the flirting, asked specifically for me every time she came in, and even mentioned that she could tell I had been
working out. The last time she was in the office, I asked her for her number, and she immediately gave it to me and asked me for mine. After about three days, I finally decided to call her; her phone was off at the time so I was forced to leave a message. Two days passed and she still hadn't called back, so I called again and left another message. Another two days passed, and again there was no response. I called one final time and her phone was disconnected.

Three weeks passed, and I had accepted that she really wasn't into me, but then she called my job looking for a particular item again. She told me the reason she never called was because she lost her phone and she had just gotten her replacement. I got her new number and called her later that night. She answered and told me that she was hanging out with her friends, and she would have to call me back. Two days passed, and I called her again. This time she was at a birthday party and she couldn't talk. About a week ago, I called one last time, but she couldn't talk because she was busy.

I'm so confused because she seemed so into me every time she came into the store, but as soon as I started pursuing things, she started acting strange. I want to know what changed, and I'm tempted to ask her if she ever comes in again. Why would she suddenly act differently? Should I forget about her and move on?

- Persistent Paul

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Dear Persistent Paul,

While it does certainly sound like this woman was giving you some mixed signals at the beginning, I think now it's safe to say that she's made her intentions, or lack thereof, pretty clear. The truth of the matter is that if she wanted to pursue a relationship with you, at the very least, she would return your phone calls, and in all likelihood, even stop what she's doing to spend a few minutes talking with you.

As to why she happily handed over her number and asked for yours in return if she didn't intend on following through, I can't say for sure. It's very possible that she thought you were cute and enjoyed flirting but didn't want a relationship. Or she might have met someone else. Either way, I'm sure you can find someone much more eager to be with you. Keep in mind that a good indicator of interest is a returned phone call; if someone can take the time to call you back, they obviously want to take a few minutes more to get to know you better.

Source

Relationship Protocol: What New Interests Have You Adopted?

DearSugar — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 13:00:00 -0700

As a relationship develops and your life begins to blend more with your significant other's, it’s likely you'll find your interests expanding to include some of his. At first it might just be a matter of exposure, but after a while his hobby can turn into yours, and vice versa. But the same goes for habits. I’ve seen plenty of night owls turn into morning people when dating a morning person or a health nut start appreciating the junk foods that her significant other loves. Ladies, what about you and your man? Have you guys picked up any of the other's habits or interests?

Source

Follow TrèsSugar on Twitter!

TresSugar — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 03:59:00 -0800

Do you want to stay on top of cultural trends, love and sex advice, and just plain pop culture fun? Interested in my real time reaction to breaking news? Then follow me on Twitter! Just sign up or log in to your Twitter account and follow TrèsSugar by clicking here. If you're new to Twitter, it's the best way to find out what TrèsSugar has cookin' at all times. Come and join our conversation!

The Dark Side of Cute

TresSugar — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 15:00:00 -0800

Kittens in casts. Babies nudged to laugh every five seconds. Stuffed teddy bears left at killing-spree sites. We are so surrounded by the tyranny of cute that even multibillion-dollar corporations have cute names like "Google" and "Twitter," and the uncute business of insurance is represented in ads by a cute lizard with an English accent. (And yes, I too am guilty of spreading cuteness.)

What's up with the cute? Writer Jim Windolf has had enough and decided to try to get to the bottom of what he calls the "self-infantalization" of Americans. His conclusion? There's a dark, manipulative side to cute. If you want to know what it is, read more.

In Daniel Harris's book Cute, Quaint, Hungry, and Romantic, he says that there's a hidden sadism to our love of cute, citing the barrage of images of cats falling, puppies slamming into mirrors, and even babies trapped in high chairs being prodded to laugh.

"The process of conveying cuteness to the viewer disempowers its objects," he writes, "forcing them into ridiculous situations and making them appear more ignorant and vulnerable than they really are. Adorable things are often most adorable in the middle of a pratfall or a blunder." In other words, they are cute insofar as they are helpless, and we, conferrers of cute, are all-powerful.

Becoming cute, conversely, is one way of disarming opponents or critics. It's not incidental, argues Windolf, that the cult of cute in the US emerged during the Bush years, when "the American image went from that of protector to invader, from defender of human rights to aggressor on the lookout for loopholes in the Geneva Conventions." Cuteness then, according to this theory, "came about as some sort of correction, as a way for us to convince ourselves and our friends that we're not as bad as our recent national actions have made us seem." (It reminds me of smiley emoticons at the end of passive-aggressive email messages and instant messages. In this case, American cute is like a ginormous cultural smiley face emoticon tacked on the end of dubious actions telling our allies we're not all that bad.)

Windolf traces American cute back to Japan's kawaii culture, which got huge 10 years ago but actually emerged at the end of WWII after it was "humiliated and emasculated." If you're interested in political and cultural psychoanalysis, I suggest reading this long essay. But whatever you do, remember - ~~sometimes a cigar is just a cigar~~ sometimes a cute kitten isn't just a cute kitten.

Source

Behind the Iron Curtain: Was Sex Better Before the Wall's Fall?

TresSugar — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:13:52 -0800

Life may be better since the fall of the Berlin Wall, but is sex? It was at first. Prostitutes came in vans, porn was everywhere, and sex shops opened like wine bars in a gentrifying neighborhood. Yet interest waned throughout the '90s, and nostalgia set in for "love as it was before."

Before, men and women didn't need porn to get excited or toys to orgasm. What did they need? Imagination, says former relationship columnist Jutta Resch-Treuwerth, and they had it. Poll after poll shows there was lots of "imagination" behind the iron curtain. On average, East Germans lost their virginity earlier, had twice as much sex, and had more orgasms than their Western counterparts.

So what made sex so "gut"? Find out after the jump

Hump Day: I Have Little Desire to Have Sex Anymore

TresSugar — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

“When my husband and I first got married, I was so in love with him that we had sex what (for me) seemed like a lot (a few times a week). But now, three years into it, I feel like my baseline libido, which never was much in the first place, has flatlined. I simply have no interest in sex mentally or physically. My husband keeps asking me if there’s someone else, but in reality, I don’t want sex at all - with anyone. I’m worried he’s going to leave me, this is causing so many problems between us. Any advice?”

To see the answer, read more

It’s pretty common for sexual frequency for couples to lessen after a couple of years. It’s not always just the stereotypical “things are becoming routine” situation. Shifts in hormones can occur as time goes by and those shifts can affect sexual desire. Lots of people have a low interest in sex for any of a number of reasons. It’s not necessarily a sign of any kind of problem and if that has been your pattern for a long time; that may be simply how your sexuality is.

Do you consider your lack of interest in sex a problem? If you do, you might want to see if there are any medical issues causing it. You could have low testosterone for example. While we generally only think of it as a male hormone, women also have some testosterone in their systems and it’s often related to interest in sex. Sexual desire is quite complex and sometimes, the answers aren’t as easy as that, but it could be worth exploring.

Whether you think that your low desire is a problem or not, it sounds like your concerns center on how you and your husband talk about it and what his and your expectations are. Differences in desire can be one of the more tricky relationship challenges and almost all couples face it at some point or another. When you consider how much we (as a culture) equate sexual desire with relationship health, it’s no wonder that many of us feel a lot of pressure around it.

While I would NEVER suggest to anyone that they engage in sex that they don’t want, the two of you might want to explore other ways to connect physically. After all, it doesn’t have to be sex or intercourse. For example, would it work if you gave him backrubs? What if he masturbated while you help him or ran your hands across him? And are there ways that you would like to receive physical contact? As another possibility, are there ways in which the two of you could make room for him to get his sexual needs met, such as giving him solo time at home for some self-pleasure?

Whether you find your low desire a problem or not, you could also find a sex-positive therapist. One of the most helpful things that a therapist can offer is tools for talking about tricky topics and a safe space to do it in. Plus, sometimes an outside perspective can be really helpful. There are plenty of great people who know about sexuality issues and lots of them can be found on the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Anyone in their directory has passed a rigorous certification process, which gives them the foundation to be as helpful with sexuality topics as possible.

Ultimately, the best advice I can offer you is to be honest with each other about what’s going on for you and how you each feel about it. With that as the foundation, the two of you can start looking for new ways to be together that work for both of you.

March Madness: Take It or Leave It?

DearSugar — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 11:00:00 -0700

Guys and sports often go hand in hand, but it's sometimes fun to be a fair-weather fan, especially during March Madness. Who doesn't love a little friendly competition when there's so much possibility for surprises? Some women, though, like to let boys be boys - they'll gladly use that time to do their own thing - but I'm curious to know how many of you are actually interested in this college football mayhem. Will you be watching? Did you fill out a bracket? Or are you completely oblivious like I am?

Source

Sex Once Every Two Weeks?

Tres Community — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 14:03:31 -0800

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

Sex once a week or every two weeks - is this normal? I feel like my boyfriend has lost interest in me. I've tried to spice it up a bit, but I don't know what else to do! I talk to him, and all he says is that I take the fun out by asking and nagging him about it all the time. So I try not to say anything and then nothing ever happens, or after a week or so he just wants oral. We have some of the best sex I've ever had and I'd be fine having sex daily - I'm so attracted to him! We live together and have for about a year now. Sometimes I wonder if that takes the spice out of it. I try to not just be a roommate though and to still be the girlfriend I was before. He just isn't very affectionate either; maybe that has something to do with it. I find it difficult to try to turn on someone who I can't make out with anytime of the day or touch him without him freaking out. What is his deal?! Do I dare say anything about him going to the doctor for Viagra? He's only 26!

There's lots of fun stuff going on in our community - join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!