TresSugar

Group Therapy: Is This a Rebound Relationship?

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 04:00:00 -0700

I recently started seeing a great guy. We've been on a couple of dates and things have been progressing really nicely. He always calls or texts after we see each other to tell me what a great time he had and to ask me out again. Recently, however, I found out that he ended a relationship with his former girlfriend of three years just a couple of months ago, which leaves me fearful that I'm being used as a rebound girl. In my last long-term relationship, it was months before I was ready to meet new people. Also, I should probably mention that we met online - he put himself on an online dating site just weeks after ending it with his last girlfriend! I haven't asked him about her at all because I don't want to pry - we've only seen each other a few times and I don't think it's my place to ask, but is two months really enough time to get over someone and move on with someone new?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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Where Do You Stand: Being Naked in a New Relationship

DearSugar — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

As annoying as dating can be, you can't deny that it's also equally exciting. Nothing beats the anticipation of having your first kiss, and of course, moving on to other fun pleasures in the bedroom. Sharing your body with someone else is a very special experience, so I'm wondering, how do you feel about getting naked when you're in a new relationship?

Are you shy at first, but then quickly warm up? Or are you the kind of person who is completely comfortable in her skin and can bare it all with no qualms? Maybe you're a little hesitant and you wait for the other person to get naked first, or does being naked make you utterly uncomfortable no matter who you're with? Share your feelings in the comment section below.

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Group Therapy: Is He Coming on Too Strong?

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 11:00:00 -0700

I went on a date with a new guy, and I really liked him. But since the date he has called me everyday, just to say hi. I actually like that he calls me, but the issue is that every time he calls, he tells me he was thinking about me and wants to know if I was thinking about him. The truth is, I do think about him often, but sometimes I feel like he is coming on too strong, and shouldn't just be asking me that. In the past I have tended to date guys who don't give back what I give them. I haven't been accustomed to having someone who calls me just to tell me they were thinking about me.

Is this normal behavior and I just don't recognize it because I am not used to being with the good guy? I really do like him, and he seems mature compared to most of the men I have dated in the past. Am I just so used to having to fight for attention that I don't know what to do when I get it? Any advice?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Do Tell: How Long Does It Take You to Fall in Love?

TresSugar — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 10:00:49 -0800

According to new research, it's usually a man who says, "I love you" first. Yes, somebody actually studied this. The researchers reasoned that in general women have a more realistic view of relationships, and are thus, less likely to get carried away early on. On average, it takes a man about seven months to fall in love, while it takes cautious women a whole eight months. If you've ever been in love, how long did it take before you knew it?

Women Buy the Underpants in the Relationships

TresSugar — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 14:00:00 -0800

When it comes to a man's underwear, not only do women have a strong preference, they also have a lot of influence. New research shows that men purchase their own underwear for only 17 years of their entire lives. During the other years, it's either their mothers or significant others who do the buying.

If men have no one to do their shopping, they usually wait to buy new skivvies until they're starting a new relationship. So it might help to hint to your new guy whether you prefer boxers, briefs, or boxer briefs (in fact 54 percent of TrèsSugar readers prefer boxer briefs). And if you're looking for a place to meet an available man, you might want to hang out around an underwear department - according to the research you can predict whether a man is looking for a partner by the number of underpants he buys. (I may take their advice - if those guys look like David Beckham!)

Have you ever bought underwear for your man?

Have You Ever Ended a Relationship Because of Your Family?

TresSugar — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 11:00:00 -0700

If you've been watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey, you might feel bad for housewife Jacqueline. Her sister-in-law Dina is no fan of Jacqueline's friend Danielle, a seemingly harmless but lost single mom with younger boyfriends and a sordid, perhaps criminal, past. And Danielle is no fan of Dina's.

I can tell Jacqueline doesn't want to abandon her friend, who has few people she can trust, but she also doesn't want to be on her sister-in-law's bad side. On last night's episode, Jacqueline revealed her temporary solution: she's imposing a no trash-talking-my-family rule while she's in Danielle's company. Still, I think it won't be long before Jacqueline has to give up her friendship with Danielle if she doesn't want to risk a riff in the family.

Have you ever had to implement the blood-is-thicker-than-water rule and end a relationship - romantic or platonic - because of your family's objections?

Photos courtesy of Bravo

You Asked: Should I Befriend My Frenemy?

DearSugar — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 12:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I created a Facebook account sometime ago and came across an old friend. We had a tumultuous relationship and she often times didn't see anything wrong with calling me a friend without treating me like one. She was selfish and rude to me. She hurt me too many times so I ended the "friendship." I was devastated, but I realized neither she, nor her friends accepted me in the first place. She seemed hurt as well, but had other people she could rely on.

It's been three years since our breakup and since my social life is currently in despair, I've been considering trying to rekindle a friendship with her. I'm nervous that I'm making a big mistake and I really need some advise on this. What do you think I should do? - Friendless Francis

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Friendless Francis,

Despite the fact that your personal life is in the dumps right now, I'm confused as to why you'd want to reconnect with someone that didn't appreciate your friendship when she had it. Your relationship sounded very one sided so while you might feel lonely, befriending her again might cause you more harm than good. Of course, the choice is yours, but I'd really weigh the pros and cons of rekindling this friendship. Meeting new people isn't always easy, but if you make yourself approachable, I don't see why you can't create new relationships with people that do accept you. Good luck.

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New Rules of Marriage?

DearSugar — Thu, 22 May 2008 11:00:00 -0700

Whether you're dating, planning a wedding, or already married, I'm sure you've gotten a lot of relationship advice from other married folks. If they've listed off any of the soft rules of marriage, you might want to do some new research. On a recent segment on The Today Show, Rosemary Ellis, the editor-in-chief of Good Housekeeping, shared some new and improved rules of marriage that you should check out below.

Old Myth	New Rule	Explanation
Never go to bed angry.	Sleep on it, but before you roll over in a huff, give your partner a six-second kiss.	If you're blood is boiling and you're frustrated with your honey, duking it out all night won't help. Though kissing before you go to bed won't necessarily solve your problems, it will remind you of your special connection so you can talk about it the next day with a clear and level head.

Want to see the other myths? Then read more.

Old Myth	New Rule	Explanation
As you get older, sex isn't as important.	There's no reason you won't grow more sexually connected.	The more comfortable you feel with a person, the more confident you'll be to ask for what you want and try new things.
As a marriage grows, you'll realize that you've grown apart and fallen out of love.	Marriages don't run on feelings - in order for them to thrive, both partners need to do their fare share of work.	Working through your differences and talking through your disagreements and issues will make your relationship stronger.
Couples who stay together have a lot in common.	It's actually the couples who don't have a lot in common who are often happiest.	You don't have to love doing everything together all the time as long as you do set aside time to be together. Also, having different interests is a plus because it'll keep you happy and secure as an individual, which can only benefit your relationship.
Every guy has a midlife crisis.	It's actually a "reinvention," and women go through it too.	Everyone's life goes through change. Maybe your career takes off in a different direction, or your children leave home, or a parent passes away. The first half of your life is different than the second half, but the second half should get better!

I don't necessarily agree with all of these "new" rules, but what about you? Is there some merit to these news ways of thinking about marriage? Share your thoughts in the comment section below.

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Hump Day: I Have Little Desire to Have Sex Anymore

TresSugar — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

“When my husband and I first got married, I was so in love with him that we had sex what (for me) seemed like a lot (a few times a week). But now, three years into it, I feel like my baseline libido, which never was much in the first place, has flatlined. I simply have no interest in sex mentally or physically. My husband keeps asking me if there’s someone else, but in reality, I don’t want sex at all - with anyone. I’m worried he’s going to leave me, this is causing so many problems between us. Any advice?”

To see the answer, read more

It’s pretty common for sexual frequency for couples to lessen after a couple of years. It’s not always just the stereotypical “things are becoming routine” situation. Shifts in hormones can occur as time goes by and those shifts can affect sexual desire. Lots of people have a low interest in sex for any of a number of reasons. It’s not necessarily a sign of any kind of problem and if that has been your pattern for a long time; that may be simply how your sexuality is.

Do you consider your lack of interest in sex a problem? If you do, you might want to see if there are any medical issues causing it. You could have low testosterone for example. While we generally only think of it as a male hormone, women also have some testosterone in their systems and it’s often related to interest in sex. Sexual desire is quite complex and sometimes, the answers aren’t as easy as that, but it could be worth exploring.

Whether you think that your low desire is a problem or not, it sounds like your concerns center on how you and your husband talk about it and what his and your expectations are. Differences in desire can be one of the more tricky relationship challenges and almost all couples face it at some point or another. When you consider how much we (as a culture) equate sexual desire with relationship health, it’s no wonder that many of us feel a lot of pressure around it.

While I would NEVER suggest to anyone that they engage in sex that they don’t want, the two of you might want to explore other ways to connect physically. After all, it doesn’t have to be sex or intercourse. For example, would it work if you gave him backrubs? What if he masturbated while you help him or ran your hands across him? And are there ways that you would like to receive physical contact? As another possibility, are there ways in which the two of you could make room for him to get his sexual needs met, such as giving him solo time at home for some self-pleasure?

Whether you find your low desire a problem or not, you could also find a sex-positive therapist. One of the most helpful things that a therapist can offer is tools for talking about tricky topics and a safe space to do it in. Plus, sometimes an outside perspective can be really helpful. There are plenty of great people who know about sexuality issues and lots of them can be found on the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Anyone in their directory has passed a rigorous certification process, which gives them the foundation to be as helpful with sexuality topics as possible.

Ultimately, the best advice I can offer you is to be honest with each other about what’s going on for you and how you each feel about it. With that as the foundation, the two of you can start looking for new ways to be together that work for both of you.

Ask a Party Planner: Should I Date Outside My Religion?

TresSugar — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

This week, a party planner offers advice to a woman unsure about a new love interest. After you read her answer, be sure to check out our Group Therapy group where I found this question.

Today's Question:

I'm a single 32-year-old woman and I am under immense pressure to get married from my family and community. I have been single for two years since my last relationship, and four months ago I met this guy and started dating him. We quickly got close and we really care for each other. He wants me to be his girlfriend now, however there a few issues with us - he is only 28 and from another religion. If this goes anywhere, then we are sure to face opposition from both our families. We are from cultures where our families mean a lot to us.

We have talked about this being a long-term relationship, but we have yet to figure out if we will end up married since it's obviously too early. I'm wondering if I should date other guys while we figure this out. I really don't want to, but my friends warn me to not put all my eggs in one basket, especially when he is four years younger than me. I also worry that our religions will come between us in the future.

What should I do? Date other guys, or be his girlfriend and see this through?

Signed, Unsure

To see the party planner's answer, read more.

Dear Unsure,

It seems like there are two issues here: first, his age, and second, your religions. Let's discuss.

I think you should not worry about his age. Twenty-eight is old enough to be in a serious, committed relationship if that's what he wants. Like you said, it's early in the relationship, so you can't predict whether you two are going to get married. But there is only one way to find out - by dating him exclusively.

As for the religion issue: this is something to seriously consider. But I think you need to figure out if you're willing to date someone with a different background - is it worth it to you, not your family, to work through the inevitable obstacles (like choosing how to celebrate holidays, or how to raise kids)? As for your family, I think that they will be more supportive than you think. If you're happy, they should be happy for you too. And you say this guy really values his family, so I think it's great that you found someone who thinks his family is important - just like you do.

If you really like this guy, it's worth giving it a chance. Good luck.

Signed,
A party planner